One Dish Thanksgiving Dinners for Seniors
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Hard to get Mom and Dad to join us now they are both more comfortable at home. They both have limited eating, dont chew well and don’t do sugar well. So the full turkey dinner doesnt work any more, but I want them to enjoy the day and a special dinner. Last year my leftovers were left in the refrigerator for days and it was just a waste of my time to have gone over with them in the first place…suggestions?
Yes…here you are this works great for me. These ideas come from your kitchen after you have cooked your dinner, you use your own left overs and then take the dishes to the elder/senior family member’s home to reheat. It tastes great and I have done it many times and the senior is left with a good dinner and no mess or fuss.
- One Dish Thanksgiving Dinner for Elder As you are picking up your holiday dinner grease a glass square baking dish and put some stuffing in it, then add in some cranberries, a small dollop of mashed potatoes, a big scoop of green bean casserole, some cut up turkey both white and dark, and stir in some of your gravy. Stir and spread out. Now top it with bread crumbs and parmesan cheese. This is their dinner, its a casserole with all the goodies in it already. It can be heated in the oven or microwave and give them a great dinner….add in a separate container of gravy to put on top of it and U have an easy pick up and two nites of yum.
- Toasted Turkey Sandwich & More: Slice left over turkey and put into zip lock and make a good loaf of bread in your bread maker or buy a nice loaf at the bakery. This bread is like an oatmeal type that is dark and crusty. Slice bread and put mayo on each side. Break up the turkey with your fingers so it is easy to chew and cover one side of the bread with turkey…on the other side of the bread put a tbsp of gravy and spread over the bread like U did the mayo. Keep it open face and put into broiler or toaster oven and heat through…I like to toast it so both sides of bread are heated and toasted. Remove and before you close it up to serve spread some cranberry sauce (the jelly type) thinly over the hot turkey. Cut and serve this marvelous hot turkey sandwich
- Pasta Dish for Picky Eaters: Take over some gravy and turkey left overs, small amount of green bean casserole and stuffing. Prep a small amount of pasta in boiling water. In another pan stir fry the cut up turkey and small amount of green bean casserole and a couple of tbsp of stuffing. When it’s heated, add in some gravy like you would any sauce. Drain the pasta and put the stir fry and sauce over the top and you have a nice pasta dish with the great taste of Thanksgiving that is easy to eat and nice as left overs.
- No Crust Pumpkin Pie: This is nothing fancy…it is the pumpkin can recipe that makes such a nice pumpkin pie – dont forget using Splenda instead of sugar is just as good and you can not taste the difference. The different twist is that you do not use a crust. You butter the pie plate and then put in 1/4 cup of corn meal…over the sink you roll the pie plate till it is dusted with the corn meal and shake out the rest in sink. Then you pour in your regular filling and cook it as you would any pumpkin pie. This is all you need, it is easier to eat, faster to make and can be cut and served warm or cold…with whip cream…Total yum here so know I have made this for years and it works every time…I am just a Libby pumpkin pie girl and proud of it.
I take over the dinner ingred and make it right there. I start with the pie and it is cooking as I do the dinner. Buy the time they are done eating the meal the pie is hot out of oven and I cut a tiny piece and top with whip cream…they get to have a little smell of Thanksgiving in their house too. If they have no kitchen then you take it over all pre-done and ready to hit in microwave or stove top. Seniors do not have smell or taste as they get older so a little more salt is a must so they can taste the food. Obviously you can do this the day after the holiday or in the evening of the holiday. I have found my sisters and I like to take a break and make the trip to moms to visit and enjoy some time with her. Plus, it gave us another excuse for a second piece of pie!
Happy Holidays….francy
How to Visit Seniors on Holidays
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorswithspirit.com
Here come the Holidays…Thanksgiving and all the winter fests that each of us follow. You are exhausted and have loads of family to visit. Divorced parents have two different families to add to their list of visits and often 2-4 sets of grand parents. But holidays are for all family not just the ones that are easy to visit. The older grandparent, the ones without money, or without a fancy home, ones that no longer are legally connected to you…still have feelings and love in their heart for grand children. To visit can be very hard to do both with little time and emotions. Here are some tips to bring families together in a way that they can enjoy it, not dread it:
Rules of visiting, fast and fun:
- Visits do not have to be long or include a dinner. They can be short and sweet, it”s your demeanor and up energy that makes it fun.
- Calling ahead and saying: “We are so busy this season that I was hoping I could stop by and pick you up and join us for a nice family movie and then some ice cream after.” You will have an experience with the family, but the time will be in a movie not talking or arguing. After, the treat is ice cream not a fancy dinner or the time to have someone get upset. Just friendly and fun. This works so well, you have to give it a try…Kids love it, have time for Great -Grandma and many time older grand parents haven’t been to a movie in ages.
- A drop by with gifts of love. Have the kids help you make easy sweet bread or cookies and put them in zip locks decorated with hand-made Holiday Cards. Dress up the kids and then give the grand parents a call, tell them you are on a tight schedule but you want to stop by and say a holiday HI and give them a hug. When they say sure…do just that…have kids go over and take pics of grandparents and kids together, give them the cookies and have the kids do a song if they are old enough. Then after 20 minutes it is time to leave and move on to an older auntie or neighbor. Short and sweet.
- Dinner at Grandma’s. If you have dinner at Grandma’s planned and there is family tension come prepared. Bring toys for the kids and a family photo album for you. Come with a small hostess gift to give and something easy to add to the dinner. Even if it’s candy in a candy jar, a pie from a high end bakery, or home-made something…bring and join even if you have not been asked to do so. Gifts for older Grandparents are really photos and related items. They want to see their grandchildren, so make sure the kids are dressed up and have had rest so they do not over act up at the dinner. Eat dinner, stay for dessert and then leave. That is how it is done and a little email or card in the mail to say thank you can be sent or pre-done and left on a table for them to find after you have left.
- Keeping your self and kids busy is the key to a dysfunctional family. Bring a movie for the kids to view or a DVD to watch a movie. Bring toys or a game for them to play. Keep yourself busy with doing the dishes for the family after dinner, the kitchen is often a good escape from angry talk around the table. Bring a small craft project like knitting or crochet and just sit quietly when all swirls around you. Or take a deep breath of fresh air with your kids with a walk around the block if the house is getting to filled with drinking or arguments. Make your time at the dinner short and kind.
- Dressing up for holiday parties may seem silly to you. But showing the hostess that you respect the time that it took to ready their home and buy food and gifts is important. Make sure you’re the one with the manners.
- Bringing gifts can be very small…a nice candle even from the dollar store is always enjoyed and any craft project that the kids do is enjoyed by grand parents.
- Visiting Older family before the holiday during the week so you can leave the actual holiday for your own family and celebrations.
- Talk to your children before you visit older people. Tell them that you expect them to be polite and actually talk to their grand parents or older family. Show them their toys and be kind and polite. After the visit if they are good, you will take them for a treat. It is not the time for children to have an emotional fit when they are visiting a senior on a rare visit. Feed them before they go, dress them well, get them involved in the handmade gift or card and let the visit be fun and short.
- It all revolves around you. Why are you the one to visit in the busy part of the year? Why do you have to buy extra gifts for people you hardly know and never talk to? Because older people deserve to see and enjoy their family. It is not their fault that they can not drive over and say Hello often. These visits are often the only visits they have during the year, they are special to the senior. Please respect that and make it only 20 minutes of your life that can be with a smile and enjoyed by all.
Hope these ideas help. I know the pressure of holidays can build and build and visiting older family is just one more thing on your plate. But take a moment to remember it may be the highlight of the elder’s holiday, it may make them feel like they have value and worth in your family. They may feel their grandchildren are all they have in their life and your visit could have more value than you could imagine.
Please go and visit my website for other ideas to help care for seniors www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you and blessings on your holidays, francy
Low Carb Recipe Cauliflower Fall Soup That’s Super Yummy
Low Carb Cauliflower Fall Soup
Easy to make, great taste and low carbs…perfect fall soup
by francy Saunders www.seniorcarewithspirit
You know when you diet it can get very boring after a while. No matter what type of dieting you do, you miss your old fav foods. I am overweight and I need to lose a lot of weight. As a care giver, I tend to stay in the house and not exercise. I do run up and down stairs, I do usual home chores but in between care giving I am tired and tend to sit, not move. My weight is serious stuff since we know that it can make so many changes in health so I have chosen to do a low carb diet. It works well for me and I have done it before with great success and can stay on it for a long time period. The problem, I get bored….so I try to replace favorite foods with something that is just as good but in low carb. I made this soup because I love and miss potato soup. My mom did a great German Potato soup so this is along the same lines.
I used a large soup pot and started with three pieces of bacon cut up in small pieces to brown. I chopped fine 1/2 of an onion and added two stalks of celery cut thin. After it browned a bit I added to the pot the one head of cauliflower all pulled apart and flowerets in the pot, then I added a grated carrot.
I put three cups of chicken broth over the contents and I let it steam and bubble. I salted and peppered and put garlic powder in the pot and just let it cook down to soft and tender. I then turned down the stove and macerated the cauliflower down to smooth…I could have done it in the blender or the hand masher would have been OK too. Now, the next thing I do is add a tablespoon of butter and 1/c of whip cream (U could use milk) but it all stirred together and it was ready to put in the sausage. I like to use chopped hot dogs (about a cup) or other sausage….it adds a great bit of protein and taste. I also put in a shake of tarragon and dried parsley and all together reheated it.
Served it with dollops of sour cream and chopped green onions and we were all shocked at how good it tasted. It was simply just as good as the potato soup that I grew up with and I was so happy. Low Carb food is hard to do after you have gone through a few months…so I am so happy to report this is yummy…please try it - you will be pleased. francy
Scones Easy Recipe Treats for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Most care givers are busy, tired or very young and many do not know how to bake. Yet a Senior in Care loves the taste of homemade and that means they eat so much more when you take time to do a little baking. I try to think of things that are easy to make and seniors will be happy to eat…so give this one a try. Lots of seniors lose their taste for food as they add more and more health problems to their lives, if you can add a tasty treat instead of a boring microwave heated dinner–you will see a marked improvement. NO, you do not have to bake on a daily basis, but easy bake items once to twice a week give the senior a tickle to their taste buds. You can add a fun pick me up for your family and your senior in care…with this easy breezy recipe
For me scones are a part of my heritage. I live in Washington state and over 100 years ago our state fair began in Puyallup, Washington. A company called Fisher was trying to sell their flour and they wanted to advertise it by selling something good to eat, easy to bake at the fair and have folks talking. Scones were what they decided try and it was a winner with hundreds of thousands sold each year. All these years later we still all go to the fair craving a few of the delicious fair scones that we remember from childhood. You can buy the fancy package to make the scones at home…but the easier and quicker way to enjoy them is to use quick baking mix. You know like Bisquick…but now I use the quick baking mix from Walmart its cheaper and just as easy and yummy.I keep the mix in a large plastic bin so it stays fresh and I can use it for easy baking anytime. Even when I am using another kitchen while I am care giving…the baking mix is on the shelf ready for me when I need it.
This mix takes very little prep and very few ingredients so you will find even a person who never bakes a thing– can make this and enjoy the flavor. You will have to look around your own or the senior’s kitchen a day before to see what they have on the shelf, but it is usually easy to find stuff. Now I make them like they do at the fair, nice and fluffy, filled with butter, raspberry jam and a hit of whip cream inside…it simply melts in your mouth. You do not want to make a big batch because it’s a “eat them while fresh” type of thing. If you have leftovers share them with other seniors in your neighborhood. I have wrapped them and left them on door knobs of neighbors to have them call back raving about the taste. It’s nice to have a thanks but it is so easy you will see that the praise gets embarrassing.
First you start by making sure the oven is empty. Unused ovens often hold pots and pans, so clear it out and set the rack in the middle and then dial the oven on button to set the temp at 400. Let that get hot as you prep your recipe and it will be just right when you’re ready to bake. You will use a regular bowl and need a cookie sheet, or something like it to bake it in. All stoves come with a baking dish with rack if you can not findanything like a cookie sheet, you might find it in the senior’s kitchen look under the stove in the drawer, it will be there. You just need a large baking dish or sheet and you can spray it with a Pam like spray —> make sure you spray it over the sink so the floor does not get slippery.
Now that you have all the support stuff ready it is time to put the recipe together. You’ll find this so easy to do. Find a bowl and open the quick baking mix and dip out 2 cups of the mix. You will add 1/4 cup of sugar to the mix and toss it with a couple shakes of nutmeg. Crack two eggs in a smaller bowl and use a fork to stir the eggs to mix them and then add them into the baking mix you have in the bigger bowl. Use your fork and mix until the mixture sticks together into a ball…it will be a little wet but dont worry.
Now, spread out a big piece of wax paper on the counter, or you can use a linen towel. Put the ball of dough in the center of the wax paper and push down on the dough so it is in a flat circle. Now start to fold over 1/2 of the circle onto the other and push down. Use the wax paper to push it down so you dont get your hands to0 sticky. Now you just repeat this action so you are building up the layers. When the scones bake they will rise and have yummy layers. Fold over 1/2 of dough onto itself and push down. Till you do this four times. Now press the dough down, push it into a circle again and then down to slightly flatten it out with the wax paper on the bottom and top until it is in a round that is about six inches across.
Cut the dough like a pizza into about 6 sections and pick them up with a spatula and place them onto the greased baking sheet. Keep them slightly apart because they will rise and expand as they bake. Put 2 tbsp of butter (covered) in the microwave for just a few seconds (10-15sec) to melt and then spread over tops of the sections. Sprinkle lightly with more sugar and sprinkle over the top with just a hint of nutmeg. Bake for about 6-10 minutes OR until light golden brown. Turn on the oven light and keep an eye on them so they dont over bake but they will be thick and they will need to get golden brown to be done all the way through. Take out of oven and place on a new piece of wax paper. Let it sit for a min and get the fillings ready to go. I love the taste of raspberry jam, but any jam, jelly or if nothing on shelf even syrup would do. Slice the scone open just enough to push in some butter that will melt on contact and then use a small spoon to slide in the jam and when that is done- stick the Reddi Whip nozzle in the opening and give it a short shot of whip cream.Oh my, now smell…it will knock your socks off so good
Serve with hot tea or coffee…it is so easy and yet so good. The smell just wafts up as they bake and the melting butter, jam and whip cream make it look so good. They’re served in small wax paper bags at the fair and everyone walks around eating them by hand. But I like them on a plate with a fork so I can enjoy every bite.
Come on how easy was that…it will smell wonderful, taste good and bring back memories of tea time with your mother when you were a child. It is so yummy that I’m leaving this computer and going to the kitchen to make a batch myself. Enjoy your home-made warm and sweet treat! Boy is George going to be surprised! francy
You will find more ideas of how to care for the seniors, your spouse and your parents in my Senior Care Workbook 101. It was written for those of us who are not nurses and still have to give care with quality to our family members. You will find it on the products page www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Help My Parents Can Not Take Care of Each Other
by francy Saunders www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My dad is 82 with mild dementia and osteoporosis and my mother is 80 with heart problems and weakness. They simply can no longer care for their own needs without my help. I have increased my time with them up to 2 hrs a day but I am at the end of my ability to care for them. We have no money for a retirement home and I do not know what to do? I have three siblings, all male and unable to give care and so I am on my own here.
OK, if there is simply no money (I understand they are in a smaller and older home) Here are some steps to help you out:
- Make sure you have your name on the Health Care Directive for both of them. This is a form that is filled out and it then goes to the notary so you can make decisions legally for your parents.
- Remove your attachment to your parent’s home and look at it with an eye if you were going to sell the home tomorrow. Walk through the house and mark down what has to be done to ready for sale. Heavy cleaning with older folks living there unable to see dirt or move furniture or refrigerators to get things cleaned. Walls need paint, wall paper needs to be removed, bathrooms need painting and new faucets, updating and kitchen needs declutter? Write it all down in a notebook. Edit down their things no longer used as much as you can and still keep your parents feeling safe and cozy in their home. Changes are hard for elders so make them with ease and in a quiet manner.
- Now, think about getting a reverse mortgage, that’s a way a lot of families are dealing with monthly income. Call a reverse mortgage place and have them come and look at the home and explain all the benefits and downfalls. That is what they will do. They will make a flat fee for doing the paperwork on the mortgage and it is done through the government, so you can feel free to take their time and ask questions. It means it is a way for your parents to get the money they have invested in their home out each month. Then when they pass the home is sold and if there is anything left it goes to their heirs on their will.
- Call a local real estate person and ask them to simply come and view the home and evaluate it for you. They will do this with the hope that you will use them as an agent when you choose to see the home. Also ask them if the home is rentable as an income instead of selling, they will know the area and give you guidance.
- Call the Veterans Association, if one of your parents has served in the military and see where they are on the health care coverage. You will find it’s a sliding scale according to the time and type of service they served. If the Vets will help with care you can enjoy their services and save some money on care.
- Call their Medicare supplement insurance company and tell them you need them to send you a booklet on the outline of what care their plans are providing. Then you know where you stand with money for services for your parents. Twice a year you can change Medicare supplement insurance companies, you may find that now that your parents are in a higher need of care, there is other insurance policies that will cover more of the costs. Make some calls and study the Internet on this issue, it can make a big difference in money spent.
- If they have attended a faith center call and ask what type of community care they provide. Often large faith centers have seniors that will give you an hour or two a week, a dinner program, or in home visiting program. It all helps.
- Ask about Meals on Wheels in your parent’s area, this program is delightful for seniors that no longer cook. You can supplement the extra pie or cookies, take them extras on the bigger meals you cook at home and still have the meals in the freezer for your parents to microwave. If they no longer can cook or reheat, then that option will not be there for you.
- Call the state welfare and ask for a booklet on what type of care they provide for seniors with small incomes and they will send you information on that form of help. This is really important, because once you know what money you have to work with you can then move on and hire help accordingly. Lets say the state will only give you food coupons, that means a couple hundred a month on their income that can be spent on care givers not food. It is a good thing to ask for help, it is there for elders and it has been paid for by your parents in their taxes for years. The state may also pay you to care for your parents so your own time with them could be increased with an income or other care services could be added.
Now that you know about their money income it is time to add to your in home care assistance or to a more traditional adult care home, or assisted living facility.
- It is not easy to keep a couple together in assisted living if they have different types of care required. Dementia has a staff trained to handle emotional problems and health side problems. Health care for mom takes care givers that are trained for challenging medications- those are two different care giving situations and it may take time and extra looking to find a facility or home that will fulfill both care issues. So start to call today, if you think your parents will need a spot to go to in the next few months. There are waiting lists in many facilities and you want to be prepared not stunned when the time comes to take that step. Even if you think it will be another year, talk and get on waiting lists.( This is what I do for my income, I help families find those facilities and make their senior’s transition into them. I do not charge the family a fee.)
- If you are going to be staying on as their care giver you have to know it will be a more time consuming effort than what you are giving now. You will sit down with your brothers and have a talk. It is no joke, this has to be an adult conversation about your parents, without your parents in the room. So you can be free to speak of their health challenges and let them all know that things are heating up and growing out of control for you personally to care for them. Many family members respond to money rather than time. So explain it will take a min of $10 up to $25 dollars an hour for in home care. If they need only 4-5 hrs a day that is $100 a day…that can add up fast and then show them your parent’s income. This is how people look at problems. To sit down and say, I need help is not enough – show them, the needs, the time,and the money needed — that is what will shake them into understanding the problem.
- Tell them your options, you have now done your home work so show them the different ways that care can be given and afforded. Then ask for their support, not their help. If they have not helped in the past, they will not help now. But ask them to support you with additional money each month, even if they give you $35 a month that could buy the Ensure that your parents drink everyday, or the Depends they use, or help with a bath lady each week. Every small amount is appreciated and the commitment has to be long term. The bath lady has to be paid each week if they give the money or not. Make decisions on reality not promises.
- If the house is going to be sold to pay for your parents care, then you ask the family to help you ready it for sale. You may not be able to remodel or update, but you can clean. Just take one room at a time, clean out closets, give things to family and good will, do not put yourself through big yard sales, they are to hard on you. Giving time and care is overwhelming, do it with thought about your own health.
- Paint as many rooms as you can to give it a low key color update. Use colors that are popular in your area. Update little things like lite fixtures in the bathroom and new faucets in the kitchen. Use the inexpensive vinyl tiles that you can easily put down over old vinyl floors, remove carpets if the house has wood floors and polish the floors. If you plan your actions over the next two months with help from your brothers on room by room, the house will look fresh and clean and update the yard to make it have nothing junky outside and just a clean lawn and some bark on the flower beds. Then you will be able to get the most for the house without remodel prices.
- You will need to keep your parents calm while you are doing this so if the project is big ask a brother to take one or both of your parents for a weekend so you can do the work without them worrying over it all.
- If you are not going to sell the home right away, still do as much of work as you can as you go along. The day of selling the home will be close in the future and work has to be done now or then.
- You will need to call an in home health care service. They have trained nurses, PT, OT, nutrition and bath ladies. They also handle the care giving with light housekeeping, cooking and tending care givers. All trained, bonded and ready to help you with chores for your parents. What you can not do, they fill in. This is easiest way to get help. You can add a few hours a week at first, a bath lady is my favorite pick and then increase as the need and finances are there for extra help. They are also ready to be your back up if you are unwell and unable to attend to your parents needs. They will come to your home and do a review and then you set up a plan of needs.
- If you choose to directly hire someone to cover for you each day, make sure you do a background check and call the references, you want a quality person to care for people you love. Horror stories can be avoided with doing a good check on the person’s prior job abilities and people skills. No smoking, drinking or drugs are allowed by any care giver so let them know that from the get go. Ask your Tax Person how to make the payment to the person you hire on your own. A service takes care of all taxes and pays your caregiver for you. I you hire a person on your own, payment for the person is up to you. Remember to ask if the care givers are a tax deduction for your parent’s taxes too. Remember if your parent or parents are in your home, they can be your own tax deduction for their care.
Now, I have a workbook that was designed for family members to read and use if they have never had any training in caring for a seniors. You will find my book under Products page of my website www.caregivingwithspirit.com. Its called Care Giving 101 Workbook and you can download it as an E-book or as a printed workbook sent to you via mail. That will detail the basic care giving needs and how to handle them for you as time goes on. I have both health and Alzheimer’s tips in the workbook. Its been a great help for many who are facing giving care to parents and or spouses.
Hope this all helped you – you can find me on Twitter @seniorcaretips and this wordpress site has many older blog entries that you will find helpful as you add giving care to an already busy life with your own family and job. I also have a talk radio site that is fun to give a listen – its an easy click from my website…thank you for your time and blessings on your giving care.
Please do send me emails if you have a question on care, I am happy to help. francy
Where Do I Go for an Early Alzheimer’s Check
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My husband is in the final stages of prostate cancer and I’m afraid I am getting Alzheimer’s. I’m forgetting treatment times, medication details and all sorts of other things. I have to write everything down and then I forget where I put my notebook. I am so worried, I need to be together in my mind to help my husband. How can I get tested for Alzheimer’s and get on one of the pills they advertise on TV?
I am so pleased you came to me to ask this question. I am going to list all the basics of Alzheimer’s Testing and early onset information for you so you can look it over and see what you need from the list. But before you read that list, I want to hover for a moment. Spouse care-giving is one of the hardest jobs on earth. I am not making that up, it’s a 24/7 job that requires every ounce of your mind and body to give loving care. Your husband is now entering a hard time of treatment and that means you are too, so your body needs rest, good food and maybe a good blood testing to check your hormones and thyroid. Memory is very stress related, so please give yourself a good check up and see what your own body says as well as what your mind is doing. My Georgie has Alzheimer’s and I can get so tired and confused with his meds and his care that I often feel that my own mind is slipping. It’s a normal way to react to stress, so please get your general doctor to take a look at you and tell the Doctor what you are going through so they can help. OK, that said, here we go with Memory Testing 101
Here is a review of Memory and Early Alzheimer’s Testing Information:
- The type of doctor that treats Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s is called a neurologist and you will find them by asking your own primary doctor for a referral. Both of those conditions intertwine and need a specialist to really diagnosis properly. You want to go directly to a neurologist for the Alzheimer’s Memory Testing because the testing changes and updates and the specialist keeps up to date with the new additions to the testing and treatments.
- You want to have what is called a Memory Test. This is a test that is designed for different memory conditions and consists of word reviews and small memory tests. What is nice about getting this test done is that is gives you a baseline. Just like when you go and get a glaucoma test, diabetes sugar level, or a prostate test and they use the pressure or count of the blood for the “baseline” for those conditions. Then as time goes on they can see how fast you are moving through and beyond the baseline in the months or years to come. My Georgie felt his memory was bad and we did a memory test for two years before the doctor felt he was within range of treating with medication. The doctor was able to see if Georgie was moving fast or slow on his decline in memory function. We are very lucky to have the Seattle Veteran’s Hospital Memory Clinic treating us with the latest information and medications.
- You will find Memory Testing Clinics in your area, you can look it up on Google for your home area or just go through your own primary doctor to find one or use the neurologist that he suggests as a testing site.
- Poor memory, fuzzy thinking, or a senior moment (as we say) can all be related to many different situations. Like you, a person can be under a great deal of personal stress and it’s causing your brain to simply overload. It can be physical due to hormonal, thyroid, low blood sugar, or other medical conditions. So you want to really talk to your primary doctor about it. So do not get overly worried about Alzheimer’s – that is not the only reason for memory loss.
- Never let any doctor talk you out of your own feeling about your body. You are now an adult, you have lived in your body for years, you know what you can and can not do. A temporary problem has a reason and may just relieve itself when the pressure or current situation lessens. But all in all - YOU are the one that feels your body. If you feel like your mind is not responding then ask for a Memory Test. There is no harm done to get one. If you feel your memory gets worse in six months then make an appointment with the specialist.
- If your doctor gives you tests and you are fine and you pass the Memory Test with flying colors then think about taking some of the mind testing puzzles and exercises that they have now to keep your mind growing. The cells in your brain do grow back and you can keep them growing by expanding your knowledge and your skills. Its time to take up that knitting class, or get back to doing woodworking, or needlework, or doing puzzles. There is travel and lectures and fun movies and the History Channel on TV. Keep your brain working outside of what you do on a daily basis. Even if your job is very detailed, or high powered, do something different to build new brain connections.
- Many experts believe strongly in exercise for help with the brain functions. Yes, a daily walk does it all, good for the heart, the brain and the body…so force yourself to walk with a dog, a friend or take a simple senior exercise class 2-3 times a week. (By the way…senior is over 50 not 75 it is just a change of time and body not the end of life)The difference may shock you. You do not exercise just for weight reduction, you move to keep everything moving!
- Do not be afraid to take time to read about supplements that help with senior aging and Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and such. You will find chat rooms on the Internet that are filled with seniors that have different conditions and just want good long life and they discuss different supplements that work for them. Remember good nutrition does not cost an arm and a leg. Good food and good supplements can be price shopped just like anything else you buy.
- Breathing and sleeping. They are killers if you ignore them. Starting your day with a get out of bed- big cat stretch and then taking three deep, really deep breaths and letting the oxygen get into your brain- can change your life. That’s why so many folks are doing Yoga and Tai Chi, they are easy to learn and specially designed for seniors and people with back and other problems. So do not say NO to something new. You can check out a Yoga for Seniors CD at the library for FREE to see what it’s like and then join a group at your local Y or senior center to get moving.
- Sleeping is simply a must your brain needs five hours of continual sleep to repair itself each night. That really is not a lot of sleep. So if you are just laying in bed or watching TV for hours during the middle of the night go to your doctor and talk to him about it. Being stressed, lonely, or having physical pain can cause lots of us to sleep less, that is why they have medications to help us out. Don’t be so stubborn that you ruin your health – go to a doctor and talk about your changing body, because your body will change you know.
- Eating what you want or what your body wants? It is always hard to talk about what goes in you and what comes out. But the truth is food has to feed your body not just your whims and it has to come out of your body to remove the toxins. So if you are having a few too many chips and to few poops…talk about it to your doctor. So many people are embarrassed about their bowel movements or their urinary problems, or their late night eating…and that embarrassment causes colon, prostate and diabetes conditions. Funny how your memory could be related to your bowel movements, but toxins do awful things to our bodies, so getting your body checked out is what an adult person does. It has nothing to do with you it has to do with your body function and your medical history and your family history, too.
- Hormones are for guys and gals and having a panel run when you see your doctor is really smart. So is the check up of your allergies. As we age our allergies can change and they make a difference in how our body works, how we should be eating and just the quality of life issues.
- So, all of this just for memory? Yes, because the secret to Alzheimer’s is it is not just a memory problem. It was my Georgie’s emotional changes that tipped me off that something was really wrong. After all we had been married for years and friends for years and suddenly he was arguing with me over nothing, debating any topic, short-tempered, angry at his own lack of abilities that come with age, treating me totally differently then he had for all our years of marriage. That was my clue that something had to be checked and when the neurologist checked him out for the third memory test and then I told him of Georgie’s emotional upsets…the doctor gave him a medication for stress. Not a medication for memory. The doctor told me in early stages of Alzheimer’s stress and upset about the loss of memory and abilities is the greatest change, so Zoloft came first. Then he moved on to treat with memory medication.
- Medication for Alzheimer’s is not found in a TV ad. It is not that easy. Those are ads for drugs that may or may not even effect the memory. Our doctor would not even prescribe the well known drug you see on TV, he said he had no response to it at all. What he said was that Alzheimer’s is turning into a condition that has new drugs often and a cocktail of drugs or medications will be used for the next few years until they find a medication that can effect all the different aspects of the condition. For instance Georgie got a shuffle and I was so worried about him falling, the doctor gave him a higher medication level and the shuffle was gone. It is not just memory, Alzheimer’s effects many different parts of the body. The cells change and the communication between the cell changes so the different medications are designed to treat one problem here and one problem there. Each patient has different issues and their bodies display different response to medications. Thats why each patient will have a combination or a cocktail of different medications that can pin point their own problems. But the sooner the Memory Test is done and the emotional review is revealed the specialist is able to suggest medications that can slow down the pace of Alzheimer’s as well as other related conditions.
- Don’t be afraid of memory loss, it hits all of us…but don’t ignore it. If your family has had problems with memory than it is even more important to take a look see and get an Early Memory Check-up.
Thank you for your email and I hope this review helped. I’m always happy to help guide someone to a place for information and there are so many special groups that are supporting Alzheimer’s patients and families. You will find them on Twitter, Facebook, and any browser will guide you to places to review the medications, the test studies, and the support groups. Joining a test study is a great way to help yourself and others move the cure of Alzheimer’s forward. You are never in harm when you join test study groups they are always open with what they do for you and with you when you enter the study. They usually are found at your larger Universities that have Medical or Research programs.
Please join me on Twitter @seniorcaretips and visit my website for more information at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Elders Need Cheer Sessions
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My mother seems to be going into a deeper depression. She seems to be recovering physically well from her last small stroke, but she is just not herself. She feels down and not involved with everyday life. I am having a problem with her paying attention to what the day is or what food she wants to eat. How can I bring her around?
I am sure you have spoken with the doctor about her depression, that is a part of the brain that is also effected by the stroke and special medications can be prescribed to help her with her mental state. As the brain repairs it has to be exercised just like you are doing with her body. So you will have to make sure you participate in her emotional wellness as well as how well she walks or talks as she recovers. Even if you are talking to her over the phone each day, or in person, you will be doing a few things that will involve her mind and emotions so she gets back into life with her body and mind.
Here are some tips:
- Your interaction with a recovering stroke victim is in the morning or in the afternoon after food and a nap. So you get them fresh, it will be up to you to arrange your own schedule around that time frame.
- When speaking to the senior, use an up tone in your voice so they can see a difference in an everyday conversation, and an animated conversation. As you would a very young child of two or three, use words and facial expressions that include smiles, laugh, questions, and surprise.
- Prepare yourself with a list of things to talk about and always start with the day of the week. Endless days mean losing interest. “Hi Mom how is your Tuesday morning going?” That is a good way to begin, not to challenge her with a question that she can fail at the answer like “What day is today?” – Start with a positive statement that will inform her. Then go over what you know to be her usual Tuesday tasks. “I know you will be doing your wash this morning do you have it in the washer already? NO, well you can do that when we hang up and today is your day to see your friends for cards. What are you going to wear? –who is going to pick you up? OK, good well you’re going to have a busy day. I will let you go so you can finish your washing and getting dressed for the girls. I will call you this afternoon, when do you think you will be back home again?”
- Taking information you have and making sure it is restated and then adding questions that are easy for her to answer is how you begin. When you call back in the afternoon, you will ask about her food for that evening and suggest a TV show that is coming on that you want to watch and you will call her just before it begins to remind her so she doesn’t miss it. Ask if her wash is in the dryer and how the card party was with the girls, stretch her mind with asking about what she ate and who won at cards. Ask over anything new with the girls. Get her to talk about things that are up front in her brain. Bring out more than yes or no answers, with an upbeat voice again, ask about what the girls were wearing or where they went for lunch. Push her brain, push it in the direction that she has always had interest in, but know when to be calm and listen.
- When she does something more the normal daily tasks, make a big deal out of it. Let her know you are proud of her. “Wow, mom you did the wash this morning, had lunch out with the girls and then you came home and went over the floor in the kitchen? You are really on a roll, good job” – “You have gotten so much done and I have just been here at work all day, I’m impressed.”
- When you go over to visit and you see the house in a mess…remember her mind has to learn how to organize again. So roll up your sleeves and get one room done at a time. Find small clear plastic boxes that are easy to carry and fill them up with like items and then use a large print label maker to mark them. Just like you did for your toddlers when they had so many small toys, cars, crayons remember? Now it is your mother’s time to organize, vacuum bags, filters or parts in one box. Candles and matches in another. So when she is missing something and in a huff looking for it, she can open a cupboard and read the box. It helps her mind relearn how to stay organized and find things instead of being stuck inside a swirl of a mess.
- When the mind is healing from a stroke or other trauma, or in the middle of dementia the home needs to be clear and clean around the senior. If the front room or kitchen was covered with small items art or otherwise, pack them away for a while. Tell the senior you are clearing it to prepare for the room to be painted and we will go through the box and get things back in place after the painting. Then remove the box to a place in the garage or storage area. Look around the room and see it with an eye that could get distracted. Look again, what needs to be in the room and what is just extra clutter for the brain?
- Example; lots of seniors have a full wall of photos of grandchildren and family members right by their TV chair so they can see it. If you look again at that wall, it becomes a maze of endless photos that have been added to over the years. So, how about picking out three or four pictures that the senior loves. Take down the older pictures, fill the holes in the wall and repaint and then put up the four larger photos in a row…so it is easy on the mind’s eye to focus on the pictures not to just see a jumble of frames. It will calm the senior’s eye and make it easier for them to rest while they are in their favorite chair.
- Asking your mom to help you, is a great way to help her recover her old self. What did you two always do together, maybe you cooked together, or sorted clothes in the kids room, played golf, walked, or painted walls, pictures, or worked in the yard together. Plan in your mind a task that is no longer than two hours and ask your senior to help you. Have the task all planned out so the beginning and end can happen in a short time. Together you work and together you get it done. You can stand back and admire the great result together, you can talk to others about how your mother helped you finish the task when you are so short on time. You become her cheer leader over a simple task, but it gives her such a feeling of accomplishment.
- Let go anything that no longer brings her pleasure. The brain in trauma, stroke recovery or dementia is simply changing, so if at one time your mother loved to bake cookies and now it is a chore. Let that part of your mother drop away. She will fill the void with a new enjoyment she has changed and changing is what we all do. This change was just more sudden than others.
- Anger is an emotion that will come to you and to your mother on her recovery. My husband has his dementia moments and out of those comes so much personal doubt that anger is his way to express the confusion of his brain not responding as he wants. Often stroke patients Even those with TIA’s or baby strokes- can find words are lost to them, actions are lost, rituals are no longer there, lifetimes of interest on certain subjects have faded…it will take your own personal patience to deal with this. You can see if you can easily move them back to the once loved interest or change it into a smaller and less stressful experience. My husband used to love WWII books and would read them endlessly, now he is unable to remember enough to read, so I have gotten him into the Military Channel on the TV. It’s the same information it just comes to him in a way he can absorb and enjoy it easier than reading.
- Even in days or times of anger…you have to stay calm. You have to back away and give them time to defuse and then re-enter and change the mood or the thought pattern so the day can go forward with joy, not stuck in anger. It takes a lot of creative thought on your part, but being there to cheer them on, will allow them to heal in a positive way instead of simply retreat on a daily basis.
I know you have had to do a lot to care for your mother. Stokes can happen in clusters, just as your mother gets well, she could be hit again. So make sure her meds, supplements and her food keeps her as protected and even in body chemistry as possible. You are the person that will give her life a guidance to calm and joy…you are giving her a gift of more than care, you are gifting her with true love. Thank you.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
How to Deal with Elder Losing a Child or Pet
francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: I care for my Aunt. She is 87 and her two children live out of state. News has arrived that her daughter has died unexpectedly and I am wondering how to handle this when she is already so confused?
Thank you for sharing this question, I just had a similar event with a death of a daughter of a dear friend that had lost his wife within the last couple of years. This is always a hard emotional challenge and then you add age and health challenges and you are in a pickle trying to give support.
Here are some tips:
- Even if someone is in a coma, I tell them gently about sad news. I remember years ago a couple we knew were in a tragic auto accident and the husband died and wife was gravely wounded. Their son sat next to the mother while she was in a coma and told her that her husband has passed. He did it with such gentle words and asked her to just relax and know he was there by her side. Months later she told him, that she did not remember his words but she did know that her husband had died when she came to and she felt he had been with her as she went in and out of her unconscious state. Giving her the choice to deal with bad news while she was so ill is a scary thing, but keeping real life from someone that is alive is pointless.
- Be gentle with words, using a soft but consistent voice and keeping your emotions down is important. Everyone cues off of the person they are with so if you are upset, they will be upset.
- Get a picture of the person that has passed and take it with you when you speak of the death. Hold it up for them and let them absorb the feelings or memories that they have of the person. If they are suffering from dementia, take a childhood picture and an adult picture so the elder is able to grasp onto either memory.
- If memories are lost, then remind them. Tell them a little story about their life and include the person that passed>Like: “Auntie, when you were young you were married to a nice man and you had two children. One was a daughter Megan and she grew up to be very pretty, smart lady and loved you very much. I am sorry to tell you that your Megan is gone, she died today. She will not be coming to see you again. Do you understand? Do you have a question for me?” Let them express how they feel. They may remember and be upset or not connect at all. It will all flow, but to give them honor you do not hold back news of life.
- If they go into a very agitated state, then you want to call the doctor and tell the office what has happened and ask them for assistance. Many times doctors will prescribe just a few pills to help a person get through two or three days of extreme tension while they are processing their grief.
- If the person forgets about the death in times to come, that is fine. It is up to you to inform them, not remind them on a daily basis. Maybe their mind can not remember, or maybe they choose not to accept the loss. Both of those things are fine for an elder that is unwell.
- Let others in the family know the extent of grief the elder is feeling. They may not express their grief to a visiting friend or relative, but you as there care giver see the grief in their actions and response and you know that things have changed even if they are not expressing that change verbally. So, quietly inform the family or visitor before they engage in conversations.
- Many times elders want to talk about their own dealth when there is a passing of a friend or relative. This may upset the family but it is very normal and you need to let them talk it out. That is the key, let the elder set the tone of the conversation and you follow their lead. Guiding them to as much positive thought patterns as you can with your return conversation. Always leaving the conversation on an up note about the future of that day or an event that is coming up. Just do not rob them of feeling sad, nor rob them of feeling it is OK to look forward to another day or week of their own life.
- I remember my husband trying to comfort me when I lost my sister telling me her medical accident was for the best because she would have suffered with cancer and this had removed that future suffering. It was his way of being kind, but it upset me. A death is a death, it does not matter if it is an accident, a health concern, a suicide or an older age event. It is still the end of someone’s life and grief needs to honored. Do not try to make the death have a reason, just leave it as it is. A child lost, is lost, no matter what the cause. Honor and respect the sadness a parent will have and will carry for the rest of their life. Unhappy feelings have to be felt and it is good to know and let them just be.
- Allow the senior to grieve give them space and time. I always bring out a picture of the person or pet that has passed and place a candle in front of it and light it on the day of the death and then in the evening for a week or two. It is not meant to be a ritual of faith, it is just a ritual that allows the person to express their grief and remember and honor the passing.
- If the elder is very involved in their faith then notify a local chaplain and ask them to visit. Let them have time alone, even if they are in a place of confusion, let the faithful and long heard words of prayers be said for the elder. Let their mind absorb the ritual of faith and let it comfort them. No matter what their chosen faith a lifetime of prayer comes back when they hear old prayers or songs.
- Attending funerals, this is simply up to the family to judge. My mother had lost so many friends by the time she passed at 100 years that she was unable to go to memorials any longer. They were just to depressing for her. I actually went to the memorial of her last dear friend’s passing on her behalf. Mother was happy that we were represented and she was able to process the dealth on her own without the large crowd of strangers at the memorial. I filled her in on the service and gave her a picture of the flowers and the memory booklet that they gave to me. It was a good way for her to experience but not get herself so involved she became ill.
- Do not under estimate the feelings of an senior or elder with a pet. Often when they lose all of their family or spouse they turn their love and whole inner support to a pet. This make the pet like a family member and dear loved one to the senior. Honor the pet as you woud a person, for they are thought of like that by the elder.
- Life without my sister has never stopped being sad. She has been gone twenty years now and you would think I would have tucked it away. But often I find tears on odd occations over her memory. Mother was the same way. There is no time limit to grief, some process fast and well, some accept the loss because they have experienced so many losses in their long years of life. Some grieve a pet more than their spouse. There is no rule…there just is.
I want to thank you for your time with your Aunt and your tender concern over her well being at this time of loss. It is a gentle miracle that she has you there to be with her. Some times its just knowing that someone is there with you that cares that will make the difference in the healing a broken heart. You are there and you have given her that support and I honor you for your caring touch.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
How to Bring Grandma Into Your Home
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I have decided that Mom just can not keep living on her own and in a state of worry each day. Her health is not ready for nursing care but I know she needs to be looked after more than a drop by each day. How do I tell my husband and kids and where will I put her? I live on a thin budget and I am worried.
Now this is a problem that I can help you with because I did the same thing and I have helped so many others do the transition smoothly. Here are my ideas and tips:
Moving Elders into Your Home Tips:
- After discussing it with your spouse and getting their approval, you call a family meeting. You will not be asking their approval, but informing them of the situation and letting them know a new arrival means there will be changes that might not be the most enjoyable. Depending on the age of your kids, let them live in the elders shoes, explain why the change, why the elder is no longer safe in their own home that way the family has a base of understanding that this decision is how we treat and care for family. You make room for children when they are born into the family, you make room for elders when they retire into advanced family care.
- Make it clear to your family and to YOU that this is a change that is not going to just go away or get old. This is a commitment on your part and your elders that life will be together through thick or thin. If money gets low, or someone gets unwell in the family, or a move has to be made- the elder is now a part of your family and will be with you for good or bad family times. That is life making room for an elder is a serious decision that once made is made, not changed because of an argument. You do not throw out babies or elders because they are extra work or a pain to live with…so think this step out very carefully and inform all; that this is a commitment of heart and honor on both sides.
- Set up some rules of the house so every one can work within a fair basis of comfort living. Kids do not invite friends for an overnight if Grandma is using the living area for her bedroom. Things will change, but the changes do not have to be huge, just considerate on all sides.
- Plan your elder’s living area. They need their own room, even if your children have to share a room, that is better than an elder sharing a child’s room. If no extra bedroom is there, then take an area that can be shared like the dining room. Put the big table in the kitchen, living area, or storage. Put up a day bed that can be used as a sitting area during the day. Always give privacy from public areas, you can hang a curtain or a bamboo shade to enclose the privacy for the senior.
- Try to bring the senior’s favorite things with them. A good sitting chair, a side table for bed and chair, a little desk or bookcase, favorite books, family memory photos, jewelry, special mementoes and art that can be incorporated into your home. This is the time for them to distribute family things to their children and grand children, not at their death. Do not rent a storage unit. If your elder is going to move in with you and it does not work, they will be in a care facility with little space, so there is no going back to an apartment living for the elder, this is a life change, not a try out.
- Paint the area to match the elder if you can. If your home is high energy color reflecting an action family….lower the tones for the elder so they can relax and rest in their space.
- Decide on the bathroom the elder will use. You might have them use a half bath and just take a weekly bath or shower in the kid’s bath. Always make room for their personal products. A basket with their bathroom items tucked on a shelf makes their things private. Young kids do not understand false teeth or Depends. Make sure your family respects the privacy of the elder and no teasing takes place, bathroom humor is not appreciated by a person making a big change in their life.
- Keep elder drugs in a place in the kitchen or laundry area. That way it is away from the kids and in a place that can be sorted and the weekly pill try can be filled as well as meds reordered correctly.
- Use a closet in the hall or a rack in the laundry room for elder’s clothes, plastic drawers can be purchased for clothing. Sort over elders things and take clothes that fit the lifestyle they have now, not the clothes they wore ten years ago when they were active or working.
- Keep the elder with their friends as much as you can. If they go to a faith center away from you, take them back to the faith center once a month to connect. If they have a favorite Senior Center or exercise group try to keep them there or let them visit and replace those activities close to your home. Elders need to know their life has just moved, not changed or gotten lost. Emotional problems often stem from elders losing their friends, spouse, home and all connections…so work on keeping them as connected to their long established lifestyle.
- If your elder is into gardening and you are not, let them at it, get them started redoing your front yard and enjoy that the elder is giving back to the family. If the elder loves to cook, let them do a dinner during the week or make the lunches for everyone each day. Figure out how to use their talents with your needs and make room for change on your part as well as theirs.
- Hearing impaired does not mean shouting or loud TV. It means getting them a headphone remote for the TV so they can hear it, or putting on the text feature to run text on the bottom of the TV screen. It means turning down music to a normal range and take time to talk facing the elder not on the run.
- Careful walking with elders that may trip means removing scatter rugs and use double side carpet tape on larger rugs. It means making sure there are lights to see well in the public rooms and dogs that are trained to love not jump up on people. Think safety. If your kids are older you may have left those safety thoughts behind a long time ago, now get your mind going again on what your elder needs to be safe walking around the house.
- If the elder wants to make alot of calls, get them a cell phone and let them learn how to use it. Then they can call on their own phone without worry about family phone time. Get them their own TV if they need it and a radio or MP3 player with a head phone for music and talk radio listening.
- Do not be afraid to ask the senior for money to add to the family income. They can give you a couple hundred dollars a month for food and utilities, even if they are on a small social security income. They can pay for their own personal needs and medication products, specialty foods and clothing, too. Just be fair, do not take all their money and think they will not reflect emotionally to it.
- If your senior is part of your family…then you can take them off as a tax deduction. Ask your tax person how to do this before you take that action, but it can help you financially to do this. You can also get help with their house sales investment of money, or reducing their bills. Get help so you do not have to worry about funds for their care, talk to senior care consultants and let them help you with the legal part of your relationship. Remember their home sales will have to pay for their care for a long time, so be wise with the money. It is hard when you are limited on funds to care for an elder, but it can be done with advise.
- If the senior is unable to pay for their own medications ask the DR for help with pharmacy company programs. If you need to put the senior on state medical do so, they will pay for the medications and pay you to care for your parent if they are in need of more than just light care. Get a review, be in the know, so the money you spend on your elder is wisely spent.
- Make sure your senior has someone to talk to about you and your family living. A faith center person, a neighbor or other family member, that is a third party, should make a monthly visit. Get the elder to talk about their life. They may be afraid to say what upsets them, or they may be filled with upset and anger and need to vent it to make their life easier with you. Emotional health is often not understood until you live with someone, a doctor can also medicate to calm an elder, if you explain your concerns in a letter to him before your elder’s next appointment.
- Everyone has odd behaviors even you…so learn to live and let live, small things you have always done may need to change, that is not the end of any one’s world, it is just a change to make life easier for all parties. That is what makes living as a family work, you all have to adjust and talk and love and make changes to make sure each of you can enjoy life together. But elders find change upseting and hard and younger folks can adjust to change much easier, so that should set the tone when making family decisions.
Perfection is not the goal with a senior living with their family. But kindness on both sides is a must. Do not be afraid to have someone come in and talk to the family about problems, questions, ideas or concerns. Talking things out helps everyone. There is your way or the highway is not the way with a multi-generation family. Every one has to make way for privacy and for kindness for each other. Often the experience of grand parents living with children changes the child into a more understanding and caring adult in years to come. That means when it is your turn to need help, your own children will be more open to giving you loving care in your own older age.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one,
blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
NO SLIP/SLIDDING FOR SENIORS
Dear Francy: My Aunt has fallen twice, that I know of, around her home. She’s unstable and refused to use a cane. What can we do to keep her safe and in her home?
First you have to make sure she has an emergency cell phone to wear around her neck. She needs to know how to use the phone and the best thing to do is get a family cell package for you and add her cell onto it. Make sure you train her how to use the phone; repeat the basics many times so she can just press one button for 911 or another to call you for help. If that is not available, have her sign up for an “alert” service. You will find your local hospital usually has one and/or there are many companies nationwide. Ask the alert company where they are located and how they contact you when she presses the button for help? You want it to be very easy for her to use. If she falls she may be unable to move around to get her usual phone. (Important for anyone living alone: put a phone in the bathroom with the emergency numbers programmed into it. Lots of falls and heart problems occur in the bathroom area, so it is best to have that covered. )
Then do a walk around her home. Remove all scatter rugs and if she has large Oriental style rugs, use carpet-double sided tape and make sure the rugs are secure and can not be moved or caught by a heel. Check all the tables in the area, if they are unsteady remove them. Table top walking is the first step when people get unstable in their walk. They hold on to whatever surfaces they “think” are sturdy places to grab. But a table can come down on top of someone so easily, so make everything that she might use as a crutch is strong.
Move her furniture so there are easy pathways through the house and to the bathroom. You might want to introduce a night chamber pot system. You can buy or rent them and they are very strong and work in their bedroom at night and then the chamber pot is cleaned and kept out and placed over the toilet during the day. (This would require someone to check up on her daily.) You can purchase hand rails for the wall in the bathroom, on the bathtub and by her bed. All of these things give her a steady place to reach out and find assistance to steady herself. Get a few plug-in night lights and put them in areas that she might walk in the dark. Have a flashlight by her bed; if the power goes she will still be safe.
Make sure her glasses are up to date; vision can cause distortion when walking. Ask her about dizziness, lots of medications can add a slight dizzy side effect. They will feel this when they go from a flat, lay-down to a sit up or a sitting up to a standing. If they take it step by step and let the inner ear adjust, the dizziness will not interfere with their balance. Dizziness can also be from high blood pressure, so talk to her carefully and see what changes make a difference; she may have to take the issue to the doctor.
Finally, a cane is used to assist a person when they have pain in their legs, like a bad knee or hip. If someone is truly unsteady, a walker is really what is used to keep them balanced. If they feel weak or unsteady a cane can do little…but a walker can really help them. Plus, the new walkers provide a place to carry things around and you can even get them with seats to rest. If you try to carry coffee and use a cane, you’re in trouble. So, its best to get a walker…ask her to come and look them over and buy it on the spot. Once you leave her alone, she will venture out and use the walker in private. So make sure you have the walker set for her height and have her walk through doorways and around the house to make sure the path is free and clear.
I was very open and firm with mother about this issue, because she did not want to use a cane nor a walker. I told her that if she was unable to walk around her home without falling, that meant she would not be able to continue living where she wanted to live. I was firm on that point and she used her cane right away and of course it made a difference. But about a month later she complained about not being able to carry things around with her. So, I went out and got her a walker. She used it “at home only” at first. After a while, it went where ever we went. Mother was very careful and never broke a bone, but falling is what eventually forced her out of her home. So, this is a point to be open and honest about.
Please visit my home page for more information on senior care-giving and do leave me a question you may have and I will do my best to answer – Thank you, francy
Cheer Weekend Blues for Elders
Dear Francy: My mother is so bored and in a blue mood, can you give me some tips to help?
When you’re home bound or very restricted in your comings and goings…it is very hard to distinguish the days of the week. The importance of days is very high for emotional well being, so a weekend should be reguarded as important to a senior as it is to family member with days off.
Since the TV programming is never very bright on the weekends, this is the time to make sure a movie is on hand. Either borrow one from the library, have the senior do a Netflix account or just rent one, but movie night on Saturday is really something fun for the senior to enjoy. You can take turns with an older movie one week and a newer release the next. If the senior is living with family members, this is the night for everyone to come to the senior’s room for the movie, it gives the senior a feeling of connection. Make sure there is a treat to eat like; easy to make popcorn, or Cracker Jacks from a box. Take a break halfway through the movie for bathroom time and then enjoy. It will be a nice uplift for the senior and the caregiver. (Also a perfect time to invite a family member or friend over to enjoy the movie, it will not seem like such a boring thing for them if there is a movie in the mix.)
Sundays may no longer mean a trip to church or out to breakfast. No matter, church services can be found all over the TV and you can even order services from their own faith center and they will be delivered via a CD. Having a special breakfast or brunch is a lovely tradition for Sundays. Adding a larger breakfast with pancakes or waffles, a special sweet roll or other favorite along with their usual eggs make the meal something to enjoy. Always serve it with a nice linen napkin or fancy towel on the tray and use better dishes than the usual everyday set.
A great way for the caregiver to enjoy the weekend is to look forward to something different. Maybe arrange a visit from a family member, or have a friend bring over a pet (bathed and pre-fed so they are calm). Just a short visit is the best and having some cookies and coffee to offer the guest makes the senior feel like they are really entertaining again.
A walk, even if it is to step outside and sit in the sunshine for a few minutes. A wheelchair ride down the block and back or putting a chair by an open window or sliding door…so they feel they have a different view than everyday.
Traditions, once set, make good friends. Maybe its a round of cards or a quick game. Maybe its having their nails polished or a nice bath with extra care given to their hair. The senior can make a call to a relative they enjoy and talk to them about their week or something happening in the news.
Helping the senior have weekend traditions, makes them feel there is meaning in their week and days don’t just melt into days. Keeping a clear difference between something easy but special to do on the weekend compared to the weekday, allows them to look forward to the weekend, not dread it.
Many care givers have their seniors work on photos and memory books on the weekend. That allows them to talk about their past and family that is no longer with them. Other crafts are often prepared and the project finished with the senior so the attention span can be short but fun.
It doesn’t take money to accomplish a fun weekend for both the caregiver and the senior. It does require some pre-thought on the subject and setting plans that can enhance the living experience of you both.
Please visit my home page for more information on senior care-giving and do leave me a question you may have and I will do my best to answer – Thank you, francy
Help I’m Trapped as My Parents’ Caregiver
Dear francy; I have no idea how I was appointed my parents sole caregiver. My 2 brothers live out of state and my sister is just 10 miles north, but they never call or visit and someone has to care for my parents that both have advanced health issues. I feel trapped and guilty that I feel that way!
Well you’re talking to a gal that understands those feelings and you would be shocked to learn how many families do this to one of their siblings. It’s just the way of the world but you do have ways to handle it. Let’s talk about them.
If you get along with your family members then call a meeting and lay out an agenda to talk about. Nothing will change on the care side, I assure you. But you might be able to have them each help in their own ways via finances. If they can afford it, they could help with the cost of a care giver for a couple days a week, or just a bath person to lessen the burden you have. You need to have a break so you can be strong for you and your own family…so push the need for a couple of days of care and have the information on the costs ready at hand.
If your family is financially strapped you can have them do something smaller but will make a big dent in your working budget. Like they could cover the cost of protein drinks. They are $2-$4 per day and can add up quickly, if someone would take that cost over for each month, it would really help. Then there are urinary products (Depends) that are very pricey, special diet foods like extra fruit or juices, add in the occasional new undies, socks or night clothing needed and you have smaller investments for each of them and a slight relief for you. Don’t forget all the medications both over the counter and prescribed of all kinds, this is usually the largest budget expense. If you are ready and prepared with a list and the prices, so your family could pick and choose what level they are able to help, it would lower the strain of the care giving for you and allow them an easy out.
Make sure you get both of your parents to sign a Power of Attorney for medical so you can make all the decisions. It is one thing to have family not giving daily care, but anther when they arrive at the hospital in an emergency and tell you what needs to be done for your parents. Get that covered immediately.
If you have to sell your parent’s home to cover their care needs – you will have to be ready with a plan. I serve as a Senior Family Consultant for clients and I run meetings like these to disapate the anger and frustration. My secret is to have all the answers on the table in front of everyone at the meeting. Find out what the cost of alternative care is and price it out. Tell the family “if” there is anything left at the end of the your parent’s lives, then you can divide the remaining estate. But for now; your parents are the issue not the future investment of your siblings.
Finally, make sure you keep a small notebook with a general listing of things you do. Write down the mileage you spend coming and going and doing shopping and doctor appointments. It can be a very impressive investment with the rising price of gas. Someone may be able to help you with that issue each month, or you may have to take it out of your parents income to cover your costs. To do that, you need to show that you are helping them, not taking from them. You need to be given a replacement of funds that you personally spend and have a substitute caregiver to relieve you. This way, your siblings can “see” your investment in time, energy and money and it becomes clear to them that they too have to step up and help.
If your meeting is well run, some sort of pressure is usually relived. They may have long running family issues that intermingle with the meeting, but all in all, they will be facing reality and know that if nothing else they can give you respect for your time and loving care towards their parents. Be prepared, many times, the meeting does nothing but stir up anger. That is not your intent and you have to force yourself to be the manager of the situation and try to stay out of the negative issues and bring people back to the immediate problems on the table. If you feel you can not do that, hire a professional Senior Family Consultant and find more information on that on my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Or ask a trusted friend of mature age to help you with the meeting.
Be aware that promises are promises, ask right away what they can do and how they can pay for it. Could they transfer a hundred or two into your parents account each month? Could they give you a gas card or Drug Store or Grocery store gift card with a few months on it for you to use. Go over the ideas in your mind and have them written down and ready, so when the meeting is over, it is really settled, not tabled for another six months.
Giving care is a very lonely and loving thing to do. Until someone is in the position and lives the day to day, it is hard to understand what a challenge it is to all parts of your life. That is why I have my website, the Dear Francy Q&A postings and try to provide tips for caregivers. Your parents deserve good care, if you’re the one that has to give it to them, you need to find ways to keep yourself healthy and happy while you’re taking this journey.
If no one else has thanked you lately I would like to take the time to do so right here. Sometimes, just a hug and a thank you can change a hectic day into a place of calm. Please visit my website and find more information on giving care and getting help for the many situations that pop up while parents or older loved ones are making that progression through health challenges and on towards their life’s end. This journey have so many turns and has no set time, so you may think that you can not really do the job at hand. That is not true, you are strong enough to help your parents through their journey with love and dignity and you will see that long the way, you grow by leaps and bounds.
Please come visit my web site at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Send my your questions and I will try very hard to answer them all.
Thank you, francy Dickinson
Boomers Running Out of Care Giving Money
Dear Francy; How can I keep caring for my mother when my budget is not covering my family costs, let alone what I need to care for her?
You need help. If you have a parent or other family member that needs care and does not have the funds for the care…you will have to reach out to your community for services. It could be as easy as adding food stamps or as complicated as going on state assistance.
I was faced with those issues when I had my mother come and live with me. We had our house payment, and budget on our income and then she had her special medical needs, food needs and medications all resting on her small social security check…we needed help. So, I asked for it. I found a gal at the nursing home that my mother had gone to for recovery after the hospital and she pointed me in the direction of the state assistance in my area. I was very nervous about applying for help. I felt embarrassed, but you have to work through that because life has to be addressed and you’re the only one that will make that forward motion happen. So just force yourself to make that call.
First they send out a case worker that just puts the information together and decides if the senior qualifies for care. I had to have mother’s Power of Attorney to do the work for her. So we got a very inexpensive software program with family law and did a Power of Attorney agreement that printed right off my own printer. We went to a bank to have the notary stamp done. Then it was off to the bank to collect anything that would be of help from her lock box. I got all of that and proceeded to fill out the paperwork.
Yes, there was a lot of paperwork but you know it was not as bad as you think. I just went through it step by step. They needed proof of income and that was a couple of month’s bank statement. They needed to know her doctors listing and her medication listing. They wanted to know if she owned anything and my mother did not own property. But, even if they do own property they can still get assistance so do not worry about that. Fill out the paperwork and follow their advice.
Once the paperwork was done, they toured my home and made sure she had a comfortable area to live and that it had a way to escape in case of fire and a bathroom and such things. It has to be clean and easy for her to use. I had taken two bedrooms and made one for her sleeping and one for her sitting room. I had filled them with her personal furniture and things and then she had the bathroom all to herself. There was a door to the outside right by her room and a good alarm for fire.
They looked over my kitchen and made sure that I could keep it clean. They interviewed both myself and my husband to make sure we did not have problems with drugs or drinking and that our lifestyle would provide room for mother’s care. That done.
Now, they went down to Mother and gave her an interview. They sat there with a laptop and asked her all sorts of questions. Was she happy here, was she in need of any thing. What was wrong with her health, how well did she walk and they would watch her as she answered the questions. They rated her on a curve over each question. Did she respond, could she understand, could she hear, could she eat, could she bath herself, could she dress herself. All of these questions were to determine what kind of care she needed. They would asses that and put hours of service on it so they knew how to give her care.
Next came me and they interviewed me. Did I want to care for her? If yes, was I willing to take some basic nursing classes to get certified by the state to give her care. I said; Yes.
The first case worker left and a week later we received the second case worker this one was to welcome us to the program and teach us how to use it. They got her on a medicaid card for medications and showed us how to order them. They got her on a special doctor listing and how to use her medicare along with the medicaid. They helped us over one hump after another. It was worrisom, yes, it was a lot of work, yes. But, it was so worth it. A nurse and physical therapist came to evaluate her and they were both helpful and understanding.
Mother’s care case worker came over to evauatie us and introduce herself. She came over about once a month and I could call her any time. So, when I had a problem, I called her. Example: mother was found to be low on her protein intake. She was having problems with her teeth and they would have to come out and she was going to get false teeth. Until that process came to an end, mother was unable to eat well. I had tried to fed her things with high protein but it was not enough. I tried to give her protein drinks but they were not enough. So, I called her case worker and she got a special protein drink for her and it was then delivered once a month and I did not have to pay the out of pocket for that product. Those were the things that made the difference between mother living with us or not.
It is the little expenses that add up and if you can not find help with the state…then talk to your extened family. You may find each person could help you with one or two small items each month that will relieve the strain of the expense.
If you have to go out and work and leave your senior at home. Make arrangements with other family members and neighbors in case of emergancy. Have a calling system in place and have the home all ready for emergancies. Leave food and water in a safe place. Make sure the commode is handy if they have problems with walking to the bathroom. Just think it out and you will be surprised how much you can do to ready the day for care. If she is on state assistance they can provide the check-in care for her and that really makes things easier for you.
If you have to have someone come and check on her once during your work day. Ask a young neighbor who is at home with her children. She will enjoy trading time with you for baby sitting on the weekends or the evenings. Or she will be thrilled with a home cooked meal each week that you can deliver in exchange for her services.
Be open to ideas and ways to share with others. Maybe a senior neighbor would come over for a check-in each afternoon. You could exchange rides to the store and food for dinners or special supplies that they might not be able to afford. There are always ways to get it all done.
Have a sit down with your family and explain your concerns and worries. Let them be a part of your time and money challenge. Do not keep it to yourself…ask others to help you. Keeping quiet will do one thing. It will make you “sick”. Many caregivers get sick over the many stresses that family and care giving parents - bring into their lives. So do not allow that to happen to you. Talk about it to your family, friends, church, boss, etc. Let people know you are doing your best and you are open to suggestions and any support or support services they may know about.
There are people right in your area that are senior service trained…reach out and ask them for help! Remember you are loved and appreciated. I know that often times those words get lost among the chaos, but they’re true.
Thank you for all you do and please come and visit my website for more information and support. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Best wishes, francy Dickinson
“If there is anything I can do, call me” – Elder Care
Dear Francy; Both of my parents are now in adult home care. Lots of people ask me what they can do to help…and I don’t really know what to say?
That hit a heart note for me. I would have loads of folks ask how they could help with my mother’s care and I would feel the same. So much to do, but so little to offer to others. So, through the years a few things have come up to help others be ready with an answer.
One of my clients had a dad at home with her. She would send an email each month out to family and extended family about her father. At the end of the message she would always include something her dad had asked for that month. Once it was a new electric razor, he wanted an lighter one that was cordless and held a charge so he could shave from his chair, not have to stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom. She would ask anyone that could make that dream come true to call her before purchase, so the details could be discussed. It worked like a charm. One of his older grandson’s went out and looked around for just the right item, called and talked it over with his Aunt and made the purchase. He came over with two cold beers and he and his grandpa had a great time visiting, and reading over the how to’s on the new shaver. Good times had by all, just because she was able and thoughtful enough to share her Dad’s needs and the family responded. The next month she thanked the young man in the next email and asked the family if anyone was going out to buy plants at a nursery. Her dad had been an avid gardener and missed it so. Back came a reply from an older neighbor and she told him her dad was embarrassed to go out because of his prostate condition that required him to use the bathroom all the time. The neighbor said no problem, he would make it a short trip – just enough to get some air and see some plants. She talked to her Dad and told him to wear one of his “Depends” type of products just for that occasion so he could relax and he said, OK. Off he went for a 90 minute trip to the nursery that he talked about non stop to anyone visiting – all the rest of the spring.
Another client had an aunt in a care facility. Each time she visited her aunt there were new things that she needed her niece to bring to her. The client would write them down. If anyone asked her what they could do, she would look up her list and share a couple of things and ask them if they wanted to cross them off the list. They always were amazed at how organized she was and they always responded with great help and in a timely manner.
People, friends, family, neighbors want to help you through any kind of life changing situation. They just have to be guided as to what to do. Something as simple as; “We need a Wed or Thursday afternoon or evening visitor for 20 minutes – could I put you down on the list for that this week?” The person is able to adjust their busy calendar and do a friend a kindness. It makes winners all around.
You do have to be prepared, you do have to think over these things and know that your life has changed so you need to be even more protective of your time and your money spent. Have a small calendar handy in your car or purse. Have a list of “needs” for your senior at the ready. Have a list of “enjoys” too. Maybe the senior has a strong heritage from another country or part of the US. They may be craving a special honey ham from Kentucky or sauerkraut from the local German deli. Let people know, the senior always loves it when they get a little taste of home. Maybe there’s a special movie that they always enjoy, or a book that they have read over every few years, or music that they truly enjoy. If you have a few of those things handy, how easy it will be for you to come right back to anyone that enquires about how they can serve you or your senior.
If giving is rewarded – you have to give others a chance to “give”. Responding with an “Ok”, or a “thank you that was kind, but we’re OK”…is simply silly. You are not OK, you are in the middle of a very difficult time and allowing others to help you, is what caring is all about. Let them care for you, and your senior and then you can be fresh and happy to give your senior your “up side”.
There are more tips and information on my web site, please come and visit. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com I would be pleased to hear your questions and see if I can be of help. If you know anyone that is giving care to their family members, spouse or friends…please share my tips with them.
Thanks for your time, francy Dickinson
Clear it Out and Make it New for Senior Care
Dear Francy; I am helping my mother in her own home and she has it filled with stuff that I am not suppose to “touch” How can I get rid of this stuff?
Not easy, is it? I always make projects like this as upbeat as I can and that starts with you. You have to have a good attitude and “think” update not sort and throw. Lightly talk to her about going through the memories and making notes on things so her grandchildren will understand what things meant to her. Let her think about the project. It will seem so overwhelming that she will not want to even start it. When you’re unwell, old piles of magazines and rooms full of storage are just one more horrible reminder of old age.
Next you set yourself up for one visit a week to tackle a room or part of a room. You might start with something safe, go through the cupboards in the kitchen. You can get rid of old food stuffs and sort through pans and dishes that she no longer needs. Take a few boxes and mark them with the grand children’s names (or whom ever she is close to) and begin to give a little bit of this and that to each box, plus one for Charity. Do not mark it ”throw away” Let her feel it is all going to a good home. Old kitchen items may seem used, but they can be special to some folks. Just go through the cupboards and move the dishes she will use on a daily basis down to where she can reach them. Maybe it is time for her to use her “good” dishes for everyday…and get rid of the collection of plates she might be using now. Change the shelf paper to fresh and new. Clear and clean up the drawers and let her feel it’s done for her convenience. Not to mention how helpful it will be for the grand kids to have kitchen things to use. Always praise her step by step, it is a hard thing to say goodbye to little memories and she needs to feel that its worth it. Best to have a little treat to eat during breaks and talk about all the nice old memories, that will make her feel this is worth the stress.
Then you begin again in the bathroom. Go over the old towels and throw them out and bring her a couple of sets of pretty new towels. Clean up the place as you move around and make sure the drawers are fresh and clean and then make sure her tooth products are easy to use. You might want to get her an electric toothbrush to make her tooth brushing easier and better. Throw all old medications and over the counter stuff away and make labels for things so she knows what is where. As your memory is stressed, things are so confusing, make it easier by getting it all sorted and ready to go. If you have someone that would come in and give the bathroom a new paint job, do it. If you have some loose caulking around the old tub or shower, freshen it up, that is easy to do. Getting a new faucet will make the drips go away and little things like the newer light bulbs that are power savers lets her feel, “green”. So the point is, you clean but you update slightly and make her “feel” its special. A few new towels and a shower curtain…can make it feel so good to her. Remember remove all scatter rugs and bathroom rugs, those are waiting to trip her. I like to put a phone in the bathroom, that’s where loads of folks fall or get sick and to have a phone by the toilet makes it so much safer. Oh, and don’t forget to put in handrails after you paint, one by the toilet and one on the bath tub, or shower area.
If you’re going to go through an older bedroom that is now a mess of storage boxes — tell her you need to have the room clean and clear in case you or a friend has to stay over night with her. Go through the closets and give away the older clothes to charity, make sure you express the need for clothing in times of trouble for other people to use. Do not talk about garage sales…you are stressed enough and so is she, just gift things to the Universe and you will both feel better. Change the bedding and once again, buy some new sheets at a discount house so its all fresh. If you can do it- paint the room when you’re done and always keep in mind, that neutral colores are best. They will ready the place for sale if that has to happen down the line.
Her bedroom should be last, it’s always hard to go through personal things in someones bedroom. Better to start in the kitchen, dining and living room. Giving away or marking paintings and collectibles with names of who will get what in times ahead. Then go to the bathroom and hall closets, on to the spare rooms and other storage then back to her immediate sitting room and her bedroom for last.
Remember as she ages, her clothing habits will change. All the old long gowns and cocktail dresses can be given to some cute young neighbor that will love the retro style. Her night gowns and such will be used more and her casual and comfort clothes will be her daily favorites Leave a nice dress or two for family functions, all else can go out and if you get a lot of pressure, tell her she has a gift card coming to get her something new. You will find that changing the hangers in the closet so they all match and cleaning out old shoes and purses will free up space and allow her to feel fresh again. You might have to bring in an air filter for a while, lots of dust can bother folks with lung problems.
I suggest you do all of this with an attitude that it may take a few months to go from project to project, so be brave and dig in. But and this is a big “but” if you think you do not have time to finish an area, then wait till you do. The finished projects, clean, clear and fresh paint will give her confidence that this is a project that will free her of worry.
I put all the pictures and things in a big plastic storage bin. As I went over for visits we would go through the bin and mark the pictures to scan in the scanner so the family can enjoy them. I put post a notes on the back with little notes of who and what was happening in the picture. Then I put as many as I could in photo albums around the living room, so visitors could look up their childhood pictures and have something fun to talk about with Grandma!
Now, that this is done, you can rest assured that when time comes for her to make a move out of her long time home, most of the work is already done. I have a TIP for making sure the family feels they all got remembered equally. Take your digital camera with you and as you gather together little remembrances for family and friends bring the box to the dining room table or floor and lay out all of the contents and flash a picture. That way, when you are finished and any one says…they got more, or who got that? You can print up a page of pictures with the names of the received collections and everyone can see that you were fair.
Newspapers and magazines…have to go. You will have rodents if you keep such things around the house. So make sure you call ahead and have a family member with a truck ready to take a load of stuff to the dump. That way it is out of sight and away – no dropping things in the garage. Once the house is clear, its time to steam clean the floor and finish the painting. Get it ready to sell in your mind…and allow your mom to enjoy the fresh clean surroundings while she lives there, instead of after she leaves. New throw pillows in the living room, new covers for the dining room chairs, re-potting old plants in new updated pots and you have a new start.
Good luck, since I have done this job over and over again for senior friends and family…I can tell you that its nasty but really rewarding. Pain of change leaves when the senior sees the fresh new rooms clean and clear. When they open closets with just a few coats leaving room for guests to use the closets. See through plastic containers with labels to reminds what is where makes life more organized and easy. The seniors daily life takes on a new kick for them…so don’t give up or give in. It has to be done.
Just remember, keep your energy up and your voice tone up. Make hard decisions something you joke about not argue about. You can always have a box marked “wait and see” and they can place things in it and think over them. You will see that once the project takes on a forward motion that “wait and see” box will be emptied and on its way to a new home.
Please visit my website for other tips that will help you through the care giving of your loved ones. It can be lonely out there all by yourself. Let me help you with ideas to keep you going and your senior happier and well adjusted www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks francy Dickinson
Nothing Ever Happens Here Elder Care Loneliness
Dear Francy: I am at the end of my rope, my family never comes to see my Grandmother, not even my own Mother. I am it for her, what can I do to make them see she needs them?
Well here we go. You can get creative, because you have already turned blue asking them to come – that has gotten you no where. I asked until my voice was raw. People are busy, they have other lives, they love their Grandmother, but they feel they do not have time to spend in a visit. They think they will have to stay long, go during the day or early evening when they have so much going on…so, change their mind in another way.
Come up with some creative ways to lure them in to visit her. Tell three of your relatives that you are recording some of your grandmother’s thoughts and memories to give to the grandchildren. Then ask them if they would come on (and you actually pick a nite and time) to help you with the project. Most family members want to be a part of something that will be handed down and they will have a “reason” to come and visit. Your job? Just have a tape recorder on and let the visitor run the interview. You can retreat or have it all ready and not even be there for the event.
Divide your family up into Months of the year. In your own mind put a name of a person on each month and then call them and say. I have a favor to ask, Grandma’s doctor has asked that she have more visitors. I wonder if I can put your down for this month on the ___ at 6PM after work. You would only have to stay 20 minutes or more if it fits your schedule. But I need to get this done so the doctor can see that grandma is being helped. You will find that family members respond to doctors far faster and with more concern than they do you.
Have a party. This is fall…there is Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Plan an event in the main dining area of her care facility. Or in her own small home or apartment. Just serve a cake and tea and coffee. Halloween, you can ask the family with children to stop in the saturday evening before Halloween so Grandma can see their outfits and they will have a little treat. Obviously you want some candy in a bowl for them. Usually families will be off to parties on that Saturday and it will work great for the kids to have their costumes on and for a quick picture to be snapped. Fun for the kids, great for Grandma. Tell them if they can not come for some reason, call you so grandma will not be disappointed. Plan a Thanksgiving or Christmas gathering on a Sunday night before the actual event. Once again, have cupcakes or such and drinks and just say it is a “Family Open House” and you will be looking forward to seeing them. Let them hear; “Since Grandma will be all alone on the holiday we can give her our attention early to make her feel loved and remembered.” That usually does it for the guilt factor…and as far as I am concerned in the case of senior loneliness…guilt works.
If no one comes, bring their stories to her. Make a few calls and find out who is doing what in the family and then on your visits, update her with family as well as your own news.
Make your family and friends, her family and friends. Make sure the staff of the care facility know you care, bring them cookies and place the plate in your grandmother’s room. If they want a homemade cookie, they need to pop their head in the door. Be breezie and friendly to them, so you know she gets that kindness in reflection of your interest. Bring your own friends with you to visit. Maybe you have a guy or a gal that you are with all the time, ask them to stop in with you and make a quick visit. Let them tell her some stories of their life and keep the conversation on upbeat things, not her own personal health issues.
Finally, if you have a pet, let it visit her. It is amazing how a senior will react to a cat on their lap for a few minutes, or a dog demanding head pets. Be sure to clean the animal before you bring it for a visit. And keep it on a lead even a cat…so you can easily handle them if an emergancy presents itself on your visit.
You, you get a star, not that you visit your Grandmother for stars…but you do get a hug for your caring. It is hard to understand others that do not have the same caring spirit on their side. But that is just how life is some of us are care givers and some of us are not. It is hard not to get angry or upset about others not showing love in a way that we do. Nothing can be done about it, all you can do is what you are doing now. Visit, talk, share, care and know that the universe will somehow find a way to repay you for your kindness to a person that has given so much to their elder.
Please visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and get even more tips to help you with your senior care issues.
Thanks for reading, francy Dickinson
Senior Care at Holiday Time
By Francy Dickinson
Dear Francy: I am going home for Christmas and staying with my mother who is in her early nineties. She has care help and she wants me to stay at her place so badly. Should I book a room at hotel or flip for the couch?
I think you’ll find the time with your mother is better than ever. She has her needs met and you can review how the care giving is going. She has you at home with her and that is her blessing for the whole season. Go ahead and rent that car so you both can get out and about, but stay with her – it will pay off for years to come in your memory.
Just remember to keep calm. Life around a senior is a different world. They can tire easily, sleep at a drop of a hat…so only plan one event per day. If you want to go out for lunch, make it a late one and then do a little drive around to see the lights with her. If she wants to do some shopping; go out right after breakfast and go to a place that she can get lots of different things, like a walmart, so there is less in and out of the car. Let her buy you something and you get something for her. Giving is what the holidays are about, no worry about the faith base you each have, just enjoy the gifting. It may be your last time together…so make it joyous.
If you want to take her something make it fun. Maybe buy two pairs of pajamas that match with a holiday theme…and you can have one for yourself and one for her. Just silly things, that would make anyone laugh and feel like they are having an overnight party, instead of a difficult guest situation.
Make popcorn or have pizza..things that your mother would not make for herself. It is all part of just doing what feels fun and being friends together. Even if the pizza and spices are not on her diet, life is short…go for it. And if you need to have a glass of wine together do it. But do not go to her home and sit and drink a box of wine, that can be done in your own front room not hers.
Let her talk about her problems once. Then each time she retraces her stories, pull her away from the negative by injecting a question. “Mom, who was that lady that you used to go and take ceramics class with?” Let her think on it and get away from the little things that have consumed her life lately.
Tell her about your life, but in terms that will settle with her. I find that to tell the full story may result in seniors worrying about a small issue for ages after you leave. So, keep life real…but upbeat. Bring pictures, let her see your friends, children, grandchildren, your home, your business or office, your new car, your new backyard update or your last vacation. Bring your laptop and keep in contact with your family back home and show her a Google Earth of her house and your house. She will be thrilled.
Little things, if you can not think of a gift how about a monthly one. Maybe cover her TV costs. Seniors only have their TV, how about you ordering DishTv or paying for more movies on her cable? Maybe get her a new TV set that is easier for her to use and see.
Bring a label machine. If you would spend an afternoon just labeling things in large print it will make for so much less stress when she is looking for something. She opens the cupboard and there are your signs, rice, sugar, or first aid, or light bulbs. Hey, change her light bulbs, make them all “Green” and show her how that will save her money every month.
Go green add a water reducer to her shower and make sure her shower chair or bench is working for her. Get her into using body wash and scrubies instead of bar soap and wash clothes. Flip for a maid, have them do a great 1-2-3 on the house if it is looking a little sad. Get some new couch pillows to brighten up the room, or a new lap throw to give her a change.
Call some old family friends and you begin the conversation and wish them well on the holiday and then pass the phone to your mother to say a simple hello. So she can reach out and enjoy old friends and voices from her past.
Make sure she is getting the news from upbeat places. Some stations on the radio and TV are very limited in their views and can be depressing. Find a radio station and mark it on the dial for her and explain about a neutral TV station for news so she keep up but doesn’t get down on news.
When you leave, leave you behind. Let her feel you were there with your kind words and loving laugh, your friendly manner and your forgiving behavior. Old wounds, old words, old arguments…let them go. Ignore them if they come up…life needs to have frequent updates and reboots, just like your computer. Make your update time with your mother, something to smile about.
Perfection, over planning, over doing, over spending - all of that is yesterday. Today its just you and your mum…having a laugh together. You both need it.
Hope you find this helpful and please visit my website and get more tips on caring for seniors. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Happy Holidays from francy Dickinson
Visiting Old Men at Holiday Time with Spirit
by francy Dickinson
Dear Francy: I visit my Dad and my Uncle, both at the same nursing home, twice a week. They are both in a rut, angry and never have a pleasant word for me. I try to talk football or something in the news but they just do not respond. Come on – a suggestion please!
OK, here it is…think snow! Hey Christmas time is the perfect time to just be. Not to try to be anything but you. I would suggest a trip to the large hardware store and get some outside decor for holidays. Buy the long extension cord and the two deers and a tree that lights up and then place them on the lawn where your Dad and Uncle can enjoy them at night, or where the whole place can see them in the evening during dinner. That will light up the place and make both the guys feel special that you were the one to do the work!
Take them a few catalogs and give them a gift certificate for each so they can buy a gift for you or each other. Just because someone is sick or confused does not mean they do not want to enjoy the holiday time, if they are given a way to do it.
If they can go for a quick zip around town to see the lights…get it in line. It may take a little time getting them warm and tucked into the car, but the drive around town and to the drive through for ice cream or a hamburger will give them a lift like you would not believe.
There are fun new picture displays that you can load and they will be continually turning the pictures around like a slide show. How about flipping for one and load it with old pictures and new pictures.
Do you have a dog? If you know they love animals…give your dog a bath and take him in with a bow around his neck and have him carrying some great home made cookies. Lots of men in adult homes like to have a nice “drink” each week. As a matter of fact some places have an open bar on Fridays just for that purpose. You can always bring along a couple of beers that you three guys can enjoy together. (Obviously ask the home first so the rules are OK with with the liquor.) I have asked doctors about this a few times and each of them have said that in less the situation is really difficult - a drink to celebrate is not going to put anyone over the edge on their meds. It simply needs to have common sense attached to the event.
Bring in your computer and show them Google Earth and let them see their old homes and your house and their friend’s home on the screen. This is so much fun for seniors. I have been going over older homes that they lived in years before and they love the online visit. Now that Google has the drive by curb camera view, it is really a kick.
Take in one of your friends and play a game of cards or dominos. Do it all together and make it a “guy night”. What they love about this is the feeling they still have value and life is still fun. You can take in your DVD player or small computer and watch a movie together. You bring the popcorn and they get to watch a special you saved or a movie they would enjoy. I find anything in the second world war era is a joy for guys. They love to review that history stuff, and they love “how to” shows. It may be hard for them to follow a full game of football, but you might find a good review of twenty years ago on the NFL channel that will hold their attention in little snippets.
Most of all…just go. Even if you sit there and do your email, you are there. Let them know, “I am here because I want to be”.
By the way…picture albums, picture books, and old magazines with things they love to talk about are perfect for a quick review while you’re there. Guys love cookies, if you don’t bake - ask a lady in the neighborhood, at work, or from church to make you some old fashioned cookies that guys love. She will know which ones really hit the button – you give her a five and she makes cookies…easy exchange!
Hope this helps…I know they may seem like nasty old men, but they just need to have someone giving them a good – bad time – and they will turn around. Do not take the words personally, they’re in the now and their life is reduced to the four walls around them. If you come and just let them see a glance of the world outside with your ideas and things to do together…it will brighten them up, even if they do not admit it! Part of being an old guy…is having fun with a frown on your face. It makes life more of a challenge, but they’re worth it. And if you are visiting twice a week…you are worth it too!
Thank you for your care to the seniors in your life. Please visit my website and enjoy other ideas and tips www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Enjoy your holiday, francy Dickinson
Elder Care in Your Future
by Francy Dickinson
Dear Francy: My parents moved to the beach six years ago. It was so much fun for them to be free of the city and have the easy beach atmosphere at there fingertips. Now, they have health concerns and the travel to the nearest town is not close, got suggestions?
Boy is this a difficult topic. You live all your life for retirement and make the “big move” and then a few years later reality starts to settle in and it is often not pleasant. I have family that moved to a small town that they just loved. They bought a small cabin just for two and it was perfect, until their health concerns took a down turn and the weather, distance and cabin itself are now concerns.
If the move has been made here are a few choices. They can keep the beach or retirement home just as it is and buy or rent a small place in the city. Hopefully, close by you so they can receive their health treatments or simply come in when the weather is bad. One of their children could give them a room or a part of the house to stay in on a “visiting only” basis so very little money has to be spent. That way they still have their special place and privacy, but have a haven when they need it. This will promote any extra worry and keep them calm and yet start to move them back into the city in small doses so if they find they are alone, or too unwell to be on their own…the move is easier.
Lots of families find that their one time summer or second home turns into the retirement home. That is such a terrific idea…but being practical about aging and what can happen in years to come has to be a part of the picture. So to keep someone safe while they are living more than a close drive away take down some of these suggestions.
Make sure the house is senior proof while the couple is young. Before they need it, add those extra bars in the bathroom, the hand held shower head (low flow). Make sure the stairs to the house are easy to climb, better yet, “no stairs”, or have a power lift put on the wall to assist them in years to come. Get a bed that supports older backs and is easy to climb out of in the middle of the night. Make sure their kitchen table and chairs are easy to use and comfortable as well as their TV viewing chairs. Lazy-boy style chairs may be the best for some, but weakened arms make the hand held release hard to work. Think about how high the cupboards are in the kitchen and if all the appliances are easy to use and will save money on utilities as their income gets strained. Remember to have a landscape that is easy care, or part of the monthly upkeep. Check the roof, a twenty year roof is great until you live 25 years and it has to be replaced with a limited bank account. The open room concept is a great one until you have to heat it, check out the heat exchange and be aware of rising prices of heating in years to come.
Driving may not always be something that seniors can count on, so is there transportation close? Exercise keeps all of us moving even into our 80’s & 90’s – is there a gym or exercise room close by? If they are going to be in a summer area in winter, will they be safe? Protection is key when living into your later years so make sure it’s a part of the plan. What about phone or emergency life line services? Get a plan, keep the cell phones on their person at all times - then any fall or health problem can be solved with a text or cell call.
There are way to many tips to give in a blog, so I did an e-Book for you to enjoy. Just go on over to my web site and get the information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com- Thank you for reading and send me your questions. Blessings, francy
I Feel So Old – Elder Care Tips
by francy Dickinson
Dear Francy; My mother has lived with us since my father died two years ago, lately all I hear from her is how old she feels. How can I help her see her beauty through the wrinkles?
I don’t know why people think that getting older means you stop being who you have always been. You are just older, that’s all. But then you talk to people and they will tell you (even in their late fifties) that they are getting old.
My mother was in her late nineties when she said; “francy, some times I walk past a mirror and I catch my reflection and I wonder who that old woman is? Then I remember, its me!” Seeing yourself in a mirror is never fun when you age, but keeping up with beauty routines, exercise and fun activities make it easier to keep your self image high.
When I married my husband, almost 30 years ago, I asked him to please use a simple moisturizer each day. At the time he was OK with the idea, but did not want to share it with anyone that he was putting on “Oil of Olay” every morning after his shave. You should see him now, he is in his 70’s and looks like he is in his early 60’s. I am so proud of him. When he is around other friends his age, they all ask him what his secret is and always laughs and says…a younger wife!
Moisturizer is a must, even if someone is around the house and make sure it has the ”SPF” in the moisturizer. You can even use the glow moisterizers to give an older face a little color. Clean skin + moisturizer + lip stick = FEELING GOOD.
My mother watched all of her friends age and pass away before her. She took note of lots of things that they did to rush their own passing. One of the things she would talk about is that the minute they let their hair go all grey they would age in their personality. She saw it over and over again. That does not mean she thought harsh black, brown or red hair was the answer to youth. But some sort of light coloring of the hair would give their skin and their personality a boost. Mother kept color on her hair until her passing at 100 years.
Nails, I did mother’s nails a week before she passed. They were so pretty while she laid in bed and felt so horrid. Her family members would come to visit the little lady and see her unwell, but those lovely nails flashing on the bed clothes. Some times, you have to endulge yourself in little ways to get big rewards. If a monthly visit to the nail shop to have a mani and pedi done gives a person a smile and a feeling that they are still involved in the world…then tell her to “go girl” enjoy!
If someone has always loved clothes make sure their bed wear is fun and colorful. Just because you are stuck in a smaller world at home or in a care center, no one has to stop being the fun young girl inside. I had my mother change every morning into a daily house coat that was pretty and she even wore a necklace down the front. It made her feel dressed, even though it was designed for comfort and ease if she needed help. She would dress when we went out to doctor’s appointments. My motto is no pajama bottoms when you go to Walmart…dress, even if it is a simple outfit and easy shoes, it is dressing and making the person feel good.
Something new; I made sure that my family knew when my mother needed a lift. I would tell my niece that grandma was in need of a new pair of slippers, I would tell my nephew that she needed a petite size 10, house coat, that had a front zipper, in a pastel color. I let them know what she needed and made it easy for them to buy it. They would visit and she would get a little gift and both of them felt good about it. When people say, ” If you need anything let me know”. That means that you have to let them know.
Places to go, if your mom is inside and always by your side…time to find a senior group close by and introduce her to other seniors. Losing a spouse is very hard to go through and many times it takes strangers to bring out the words that she needs to say. She would not want to hurt you by talking about your Dad and his passing, but another older gal at a card table or exercise class would understand.
Funny how old means different things to us all. Maybe old means no one has told your mother how much they love her and how cute she looks, like your Dad used to do on a daily basis. You might try to make sure you joke with her about how smart, cute and sweet she is as often as you can so she can get that loving input that small talk can give all of us.
Thank you for caring so much about your mom. I started this process of working with those that give care to seniors because I felt so alone when I was doing it for my own mother. I hope I can be here for you with other questions and please go and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Blessings, francy
Angel on Board for Senior Care
by francy Dickinson
Dear Francy; My Aunt is like my mom…a very sweet lady that raised me and now she is in a care facility. They have a weekend or afternoon visiting program, so she can leave and return to the home. I would like to bring her home to my place occasionally should I mention it or keep on visiting her?
I just want to take a moment and go over what you have already told me, you are caring for your Aunt. Not a mother or father, not a grandparent but an Auntie…how kind of you to give her more then just love, but your time.
Now, the answer is…why not. What I would do is take come time to sit down and run by a few rules of the road for yourself. Just write a few things down; would I need special food or care items? Could she move around my place easily or need someone or/thing to help her walk or transfer? Do I have children that would upset her? Do I have a place that she can sleep and be quiet for a nap? Is the bathroom equipped to care for her needs? Do I have a plan of what to do if she becomes ill while on a visit? Will my pets be a problem for her? Is my place all one level and warm and/or cool enough for her? Would I have a hard time taking her back to the care center?
Now that you have thought about those ideas and talked them over with friends and family…you can make a clear decision. That is all it takes a day trip to your home for a nice afternoon, dinner and movie and back to the care center is a great start. A pick up after dinner one evening and back to your place for a stay over, breakfast and then lunch and she goes home for afternoon rest and dinner at her care center. Then the weekend get away that can be enjoyed by the whole family would be the next step. Baby steps is what we all need on all levels of our lives.
No it will not bother you to take her “back”. Remember her care center gives her total care- 24/7. You could not do that unless you want to quit work, want to put your children second to her care, give up your privacy and use all of your nursing and care giving knowledge. See what I mean? We all do things on the best level we can. You going and keeping your Aunt in your circle of family by visiting often and even thinking about bringing her home every couple of months is really what every senior who is in a care facility wants. To be loved and you are just the angel that she needs.
Always be honest with yourself about the needs of you and your family and then work in the needs of your Aunt. That alone will be kind. Taking her small gifts of reading materials, special treats and just time with you is enough to send anyone living in a room all day…over the moon! The next best thing to do is go over and sit and do your work in her room. The laptop will work in the care center as it does other places. You sit and get work done, she will watch TV and know you are there for her.
Life does not have to be fancy or complicated. The very best times we all have to remember are usually quiet, intimate times of two people reading their books in the same room, or watching a movie together, or working around the house and checking on each other, or watching your children do homework while you do dishes. Simple stuff, makes life worthwhile…just keep working on the simple and the baby steps and you will be surprised how happy your Auntie stays.
Please join me on my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more tips, e-books and other help through your care giving time. Thank you for sharing and blessings, francy
No Money Left to Help Mother!
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I got the notice of losing my job yesterday. I have a month before I am without a job and I have no idea where to start. I give my mother $500 a month to go toward her living expenses, what will she do?
You are talking to someone who was giving her mother $600 a month to pay for her drugs when my husband was retired and I was working part time. I have been there and it is so upsetting to have to go through all of the care issues with your mom on top of your own financial worries. I understand but lets just review some ideas.
First, you have to be open and honest with your senior about your job loss. No money is no money and it is pointless to ignor it. You can let her know that you might be able to spare $50 or $100 a month but you do not know how things are going to be on unemployment. Tell her you are worried and yet you feel that something will come along and you are willing to look for work and/or get retrained.
That said, how can you help her. Well first of all, most states have reduced income, senior food stamp programs. If her money can go towards rent or bills and the state can give her food each month -it would reduce stress.
Medications can be free. Here is what you do, you talk to her doctor about making sure all of her meds are generic and that will keep the costs down. You make some calls and find the drug store that can give you the smallest charge for generic, Target, Walmart, Costco have great programs. (by the way, you do not need membership at Costco to use their pharmacy) If you still have a couple of expensive drugs that are not generic have the doctor give you a form to fill out for the maker of the meds. The drug company has a program that if you are on a low income they will actually give you the drugs each month. You will have to fill out a background check, you just call the maker of the drugs or check their website and it will show you how to fill out the forms to qualify. A budget has to be provided to show your family member is really on a low income.
Senior services; each area has senior services that are different. Sometimes different faith groups have support for their seniors. Call and find out. I know that one of our local churches has a high school group that does weekly work in the community for seniors. Like moving lawns, taking out trash, fixing loose steps or painting. Find out what your family member has in their area and sign them up for help. Having your mother pay for a fix it man is expensive and this could save a lot in the long run.
Need a new stove or washer? Our area has a Technical school that runs a repair school. I had a cousin that was in dire need of a new frig and when I called the school they were happy to deliver a repaired refrigerator to her home-No charge. They even said, thank you to me. They were looking for people financially challenged- to give away their repaired appliances.
Heat is very expensive. Take a look at what they have to heat their home and see if a change can be made. Maybe a simple visit from the furnace man could update the system a little bit. Old coils can be replaced and the furnace cleaned and it will give out more life and cost less. Maybe you can turn off the central heat and use a newer space heater that is easy to use and safe for seniors in one or two rooms. Buy a new wall mount heat control, you do not need to have a new heater to use a new heat control. It will be able to program the house on your senior’s awake schedule and keep the heat at an even level. Remember to turn down the hot water dial on the tank and wrap the pipes so cold weather will not freeze them.
Buy flannel sheets and one of the new electric blankets that can sense when the body is cold and move the heat around to that area! Get a good light throw for the senior’s lap while watching TV. Update their wardrobe with warmer clothes. Get them some good fleese instead of old light sweaters to keep their shoulders warm. Balding heads make senior men cold, give them stocking caps for inside and fun baseball caps for outside. Summertime means heat and a possible health issue for seniors, replace their ceiling light with a ceiling fan, watch the thrift shops for one, or check the box stores for sales. The new fans can really make a difference in the temp of a small home or apartment.
Change their light bulbs, that can be pricey up front but can save up to 40% in monthly electric bills! Start a program that you cook two larger dinners a week and take the left overs to your mom. That will break down her need to cook and to spend on food.
If there is an extra car in the garage, give it away. No one should be paying for insurance, gas and upkeep on two cars if they are driving less and really just need only one. Or if they are not able to drive they need to sell or gift their older car to the Universe and let it go.
Your senior maybe used to going out for lunch, movies or other treats that no longer are in the budget. Make sure they are connected with a Senior Community Center or Faith Center that will feed them once a week and give them a great day of cards, bingo or small trips – FREE. Life needs to be fun, but fun can be adjusted to a smaller budget.
I hope these ideas have helped, because I know the worry that so many families are now facing with their own income reduced and then the reflection of that onto the care that have been providing their elders. I bless you on this and please visit my website for more information and tips on care giving. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Mother will not eat…Senior Care
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mother simply will not eat. She tries, she says she is hungry but I can not get her to eat, or finish her food. Suggestions?
I understand the “I’m not hungry”. I will tell you one of my stories. My mother had gone into the hospital for a short stay and on her arrival home she asked to have a private talk with me. I knew that was not going to be good. She had lived with my husband and I for about 2 years and mother was a quiet lady that did not relish talk.
I entered the room and she said she had enjoyed the use of the menu system for ordering her food at the hospital. She wanted me to set up a “menu system” for her use at home. I was stunned really, not knowing if it was for real – it was for real. Then I just laughed and told her that I remembered when I was little, that if we did not eat the food she prepared we went without food! So, I understand both your feelings of concern and your mom’s appetite problem.
First, add a nutrition drink today. Now, they’re not cheap, but they are one way to add protein no matter how much she eats. I thought I would save money and buy a high end protein powder to add to milk and juices. That did not work, mother did not absorb it into her system. So, I found a low sugar drink that was vanilla flavor and I would just add a little juice, fruit or another flavor to it each day. Key Tip – Keep it cold, it tastes better that way.
Then think back to what you were served when you were young. That old fashioned food may hit the spot for your mother. Remembering Hobo stew, potato soup, split pea soup, au gratin potatoes, casseroles, jello salads,grilled cheese sandwiches, home made biscuits, apple butter, butter milk, etc. Things that today’s cooks tend to not prepared because of high fat or sugar content, that what you want o re-introduce into your mother’s diet. You will find her helping you if you ask her about her favorite meals when you were young. That palette of hers was developed when she was a young person, so take her back to those times with a weekly placement of the older menu of foods. Does not have to be daily, just weekly will do just fine.
Make sure you use plenty of salt and spices. Older people tend to lose their sense of smell and taste. So put a salt shaker on her tray or on her table where she eats, that will help her make things “taste” right.
Don’t be afraid of sugar. Most older people get sugar cravings. My mother wanted her candy and I kept it in a covered candy dish for her at all times. She would have a little in the evenings and I encouraged it. It made her happy, gave her a lift and cost very little to keep her satisfied.
Mom would have a craving, KFC or maybe Chinese food when that happened I would make sure she had those on her table. We did not join her, we just went out and got a nice chicken dinner for her as a treat and she loved it! Mom had to have her hamburgers and my husband would bring them home about once a week for her. He always bought a small fry and she would eat the fry first while it was warm and then have her burger. She would be sooo happy. One less meal for me to make and one happy camper = nice evening.
Change her meals around. Maybe a larger breakfast would work for her. She would have all the food in the morning with her pills for the day and then a small lunch and dinner snack. Maybe almost a dinner type of meal for mid-day and then just a snack for dinner. Adjust her up and exercise schedule to her meals and she may be able to eat them with more gusto.
Give her a choice. This is how I do choices. I look in my refrigerator and I see that we have a small amount of lasagna left over from a couple of nights before (or frozen from the dinner last week) and then our current night’s meal that I am planning to prepare. I would go down to mother and say, “Mom do you want lasagna tonight or would you rather have stir fry with pork?” She would then have a choice and feel like she was making the “menu” decision. I on the other hand was simply stating two meals – one that was already prepared and the other was the night’s dinner. The choice was hers to make, but mine to choose.
Stand-by’s. Mother loved those toasted strudels that you can buy frozen. When it was a bad day, I would pop a strudel into the toaster and make some fresh coffee and she would be pleased with the selection. See if you can find a stand by – that way when you are not feeling well, tired, stressed or just out of it in general, you have a release valve of something easy to prepare that she will eat and enjoy.
If you push all of this away and remember you have stepped up and given your mom a safe haven living place. You are concerned enough to worry over her well being and want the best life she can have at this time for her. You are the one to be praised, you are holding down a whole lot of living and your constant juggeling is noted and appriciated by me and those that love you. Keep caring and keep being kind to yourself and your own needs. Keeping you strong and well centered in your mind, will give your mother a continued good life.
Please come and visit my website and find other ideas for your care giving www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Thank you for your time and questions, francy
Caregiver for Senior Exhausted-Family Still Needs Dinner!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I have spent a whole week caring for my parents down with colds. They are determined to stay in their own home for a couple more years and I am exhausted. I drive home thinking I still have the family to feed, the kids to do homework with and a very understanding husband that could use a little attention, too. How do I keep this up?
You have to stay strong to be the one that saves the world, even Wonder Woman got sleep, ate properly and made it through chaos on a daily basis. So lets see if we can come up with a few things that make you at least “feel” like you have more power over your life.
Parents that live on their own have to know that they do not get full time care from their family. Make a plan in your mind and then share it with them.
–>On Monday; I will be at your place to get the house in order and do the shopping. We will eat light that day and I will only be with you for three hours.
–>Tuesdays; I will come over and make a few dinners for the rest of the week and get the kitchen in order.
–>Wed; I’m staying home, if I have to run by to check on your meds I will not be there more than 20 minutes.
–>Thursday; is our appointment day and all outings will only happen on Thursdays with little to no exception. While we are out we will have lunch on the road to give you a treat and then back home. This may be a week with no appointments or one with a few appointments but we will work through and get this done. Dinner that night will be one of the pre-pared dinners that were done on Tuesday.
–>Friday; is a “just come over if there is a problem” or I will simply check medications. In and Out.
–>Saturday, is a family “comes with me day”. The kids and husband come with me and we all have things to do. The kids spend 30-60 minutes visiting with grandparents. The husband tackles a simple project from the senior’s “honey do list” and I do the med check and any left over small chores. We are out in 1 hour.
–>Sunday is a day for MY own family…if I have to check meds I do it fast and without delay. I do not even leave the house before 1PM because Sunday, is my sleep in day and day to have a slow cooker meal for the gang. Once back home, I have the day to just be mom and wife.
This is just an outline to give you an idea of how you can do most of your parents care giving on your terms. The terms you set, not theirs. If they have to get up early to have you there…do it. You can go and check meds and then come home for a nap while your own family is at work or in school. You change your pattern to include slow cooked meals, one night your husband cooks and if your kids are older – they do their own laundry and folding.
Things that have to be dropped are; no more outside chores for you. A garden crew has to do your parents home and yours. If you have a teen, that would be the teen, doing two houses in the summer months. It may mean money from an already tight budget, but you have to “live” through the care giving time…not come out of it so unwell it robs you of your own future health. If your parents can afford a weekly gal to do the hard cleaning – get one, if they do not want to spend the money – to bad. They will do it, if you sit down and be honest with your own family needs.
If you are a working person…then you have to simply limit your time to your parents to no more than 2 hours, early morning or each evening with two days a week that you only stay 1/2 hour. You have to be strong about food prep. If you can simply cook at your own home and add more food and get an expanded dinner that will include two more portions, do it. Doing cooking at two homes is nutty. The morning meals for your parents should be something they can fix in the toaster. There are lots of frozen toaster designed foods that will have to fill the bill and then add a boost with an energy drink. They may complain about food changes, but once again, fight for it. They have to know that their lives change too. You are all working together as a team, you are not their employee. Their afternoon lunch is something they can do with a sandwich and soup or left overs. Then you deliver their frozen entrees a couple of times a week that require them to simply take off the top and heat in the microwave. Buy the bagged salad greens and have other veggies pre-chopped in zip locks and their salads are easy for them to dump in a bowl, to go with the meals.
Laundry is hard to do in two places but a must. You can really keep that time down with newer appliances. If you can, get a dryer that will dry quick. Make sure the lint filter is clear inside the house and outside, to make the drying speedy and use smaller loads. Get one of those new Swifters (wet/dry) for the floor at your parents home. It’s easy to use and requires little fuss. If they have an old vacuum, put that on your list to replace, make clean up as easy for you, as you can.
If your kids are 11 and above have them come over once a week and “pay” them a small allowance to help you clean. One can do the the kitchen and go over the counters with those bleach wipes and do the floor. One can do the trash and scoot the vacuum around, while you do the bathroom and have a load of wash going. Everyone gets to learn and understand that supporting and giving care to family is simply what we do. It teaches young people to honor those that are older and in need and to give time as well as humor to their grand parents. If they are too small, they can spend a couple of hours doing homework at grammy’s kitchen table while you work…that way they get the whole family to surround them with love.
Your golden rule? “I come first.” Not an easy rule for mothers and wives, but one that has to be firmly in place for “all” of your family to survive these few years of total chaos. You get to eat what makes you feel healthy, not what your kids will like. You get to watch TV programs that relax you in your small amount of personal rest time. You get to take a nap and not be interruped. You need to stop and get yourself your own hamburger and then go home to prepare a regular dinner for your family. Why? Because doing little things for yourself will keep you going. Depression can set in at a the drop of a hat, you have to give yourself treats and time snipets. To keep you mentally up, means you get to set rules that will benefit your own needs.
Best of all…you need to try hard to laugh at all the crazy things going on around you. Remind yourself, this is not “your” life, it’s just a time of extra care giving that has to be done. You have not done anything to deserve exhaustion…you simply have to force yourself to sleep and know that for a while you will be in this whirlwind. When the time comes that your parents are gone, you will take a deep breath and start your own life over. Maybe a mani/pedi day, maybe your hair done day, maybe a do nothing but sit in your own back yard and drink pink lemonade day. But for now, be strong on your limited time to give and be kind to your own personal needs. You come first!
Please go to my website and read more ideas to get you through the hard times of giving care www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you for your time that you give to your parents. I know that care givers can feel very lonely at times, so know I am supporting you from a far…francy
Short Term Care for a Senior in My Home
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My Uncle has discharged from a care center with a broken hip, he can not go home yet. I am the only family he has and I have no experience caring for anyone before. Where do I start?
Probably where I started, you feel trapped, scared and overwhelmed. But you have to take a deep breath and simply get through it all. The first thing is to talk to your family, your friends, those that are around you all the time and let them know the change is for just a few weeks or a couple of months until he heals enough to live alone again. Let them know you have no idea what the process is, but you intend to make this as smooth for all involved as possible.
Go to the care center, or call his doctor’s office and ask to talk to the nurse about home care. Have the nurse (not a doctor) tell you what care will be needed. It will probably just be making sure there is a clear path for his walker, an exercise program for him to recover well, good food, and blending into your daily home routine. Make sure you take notes.
You will need to get a list of all his medications and ask what each pill is prescribed for. That way you understand what is what and when the medications need to be taken. This is really important, even if your Uncle is sound in mind, you need to be in the know. Some meds are taken with food, others not, some meds need morning or evening and most seniors that have had a few weeks of intense care are out of the habit of doing their own meds. I always get a nice big pill box from the drug store and sort the pills for morning and night once a week. This way, there is no forgetting what has been taken. As a young person taking vitamins may be a hit or miss for you, but for your Uncle daily meds taken on time, make healing and emotions stronger.
Check with him about his clothes, maybe you will need to buy a few new workout clothes that are easy to get on and off with a bum hip. You can do this at Walmart and for under $50 he would be suited up for comfort.
Check the TV program for the “Sit and Be Fit” exercise show that is usually on each day. This is a requirement to stay in your home. Your Uncle has to progress and exercise is the only way to do so. He will also need to have a few Physical Therapy appointments so get those on the calendar and also his post nursing home doctor appointment. Just tell yourself you will do all the appointments on one day a week. That way a minimum of your time is running around.
Sleeping is hard if you do not have a special guest room, then just ask your Uncle to flip for a “high end” blow up bed that once again can be purchased at the local discount store. Get the kind of bed that is raised with two sections so he can easily get in and out of the bed. Do not get anything that he has to dip down to climb into, he will not be able to get out of it without your help. Do not give up your room or your routine, make him adjust, it will make him want to be back at his place even sooner! Put the bed up in the dinning area, by the TV and the bathroom but not right in the main area of home.
Go over your bathroom procedures, when he uses it, what bath to use, his shower time an requirements etc. Let him know you want the toilet seat down and used towels in the laundry basket. Do it at the beginning of the stay, not when you get annoyed.
Do not worry about food, whatever you eat, he will eat. Just make sure you do eat three meals a day. If you are going off to work, feed him breakfast before you leave, leave the sandwich in the refrigerator and have a couple of bottles of water by his TV chair. Do what you can before you leave, like ask him to rise and get breakfast and his morning meds, close up his bed and get him started on the exercise video or TV show before you leave the house.
As he gets better, I always like to give people things to do. When mom was so weak she could hardly walk, I would bring in her laundry and have her fold it from her chair. It always made her feel good to “do something”. So maybe it is asking him to walk out to the post for the mail each day, make sure your dog is put out in the back yard once or twice during the day, have him take a look at a light that does not work, or a faucet that leaks and just let him do some simple chores that you need and he enjoys.
Children do come first when caring for seniors, but they also have to be taught about respect for being quiet in the home and keeping chaos down to a dull roar. No special things have to happen during his stay. Your kids do not have to have sleep overs in the living room or friends in after school. That is not a “family need” so those things go on hold until the visit is over and you can all go back to what is normal for you as a family.
You may have to have more of meals than less. If you are living alone, having rice, potatoes or side dishes with dinner are rarely done, but when you have a family or a guest a full meal is required for people to be full and feel good about their food. You can soon find out his needs in small treats, like cookies or chips and just indulge him, as you see fit.
Life does not stop when you are in hospital. So ask him if you can go and retrieve his bills and mail and get some of this financial things to bring back for his review. There is nothing wrong with asking him for money to help with his stay. A good friend just had a gal stay with her and the next month her heating bill was huge. That can happen with older people, they need warmth. Just be open and tell him you are on a budget and more food and more electricity has to be added and therefore you will need his help with a couple hundred dollars to cover it. Be kind, you do not have to make a million caring for anyone, but covering costs is only fair.
Make a date that the stay will be revised. Tell him you understand that another three weeks will do the trick if he exercises and works on getting strong again. You will then re-visit his progress again at that time, because you can not offer your home on any long term basis. But you are pleased to offer it for his recovery and it will be fun to get to know each other better and have some quality time together.
Make use of the time you do have together. Maybe you can spend a little time after dinner having him tell stories into a recorder about past family members and events. Those type of stories are always enjoyed by all in years to come and it will make him feel good remembering old times.
Time to heal and time to go back home. Always give a senior the review of what is happening in the next few days. You do not want to worry anyone with a week’s activities at a time, but letting them know that today, tomorrow and the next day - this is what is going to be happening is important for them to plan. If its time for him to go home, start with asking him what he thinks he needs in his refrigerator when he gets home? Would he like you to freeze up a few dinners for him to start with- and so on. This way he is thinking home. Tell him you will have him go over to his place a couple days before he actually moves home to do some washing and cleaning and getting things in order and then he will be ready to make the change.
Taking care of someone can be really rewarding. Any new step presents fears and I totally understand those because I had them too. But my time, living and caring for my mom is stilll something I look back on with good memories. Not to mention, I feel like I became a person that has more patience and understanding of others. Not a bad thing to happen along life’s journey. Please visit my web site and get more tips www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, for your kindness in giving to your uncle. francy
Gardening Over for Senior in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My sister is a life long gardener who has severe arthritis and is now unable to dig in her yard. She is heart sick, she looks outside on a daily basis to complain about what should be done. How can I help her adjust?
Gardens are such private things to folks. Some are barely kept, some are loved to lengths that are hard for most of us to understand. My sister was just such a gardener, she passed in her mid-50’s, leaving my mother, living above her, to look out in the garden and lament about it’s disarray. Mom was in her late 80’s and simply could not keep up with the complex gardening that was needed to keep everything in order. So, I have witnessed this sad event and a garden “going to sleep” that was how my mother described it. It was like losing my sister all over again because that yard had been transformed by her spirit and hands.
First, making an “easy care garden” in close to the house - maybe a quick step to get your sister back to the earth. I’m sure you have seen the small raised beds. You take a bit of land and build a raised bed that is maybe 4ft square and have a seating bench all around it. So she could sit and reach out to plant and tend a small amount of area at a time. She could scoot around the bench or take a daily spot to dig. Remember the many special garden tools designed for challenges can be of great help to hands that no longer are pliable. Small veggies and bloomers could at least make her feel that she was still connected. The raised bed could be close to the house and really block the view of the rest of the garden that will be “going to sleep” with no care. So it would settle her mind on what is in the now, not what is being lost.
Too much? Add some containers and have her pot them up and just do a daily watering. Once again bringing color closer to her reach than watching the large garden.
Too much? Have her plan a way to break the garden down to a minimal area that can be kept with a garden service or someone in her family. That would mean taking out plants and clearing it down to just the larger perennials and spreading thick mulch to keep down the weeds. Think of this as clearing out a house when a senior has gone to a care facility. Have someone come and dig up plants and have your sister “gift” them with little tags telling about their history to friends & family. You could even put up a sign in the front of the house and say, “garden plants FREE for the digging” and have others that love to garden come and dig them up. She would know they had gone to a good home and be calmer about the change. Then her view would be just a landscape that was easy to tame and care for by others.
If gardening has been her life…she may have to make a move at this time, to a place that would benefit her health challenges and leave it behind. Some times – you can not hide the hurt and the constant reminder of something dying or changing in your life. Everyone is different. Some widows/widowers find that staying in their long time home that they shared with their passed spouse is more comforting. Some find that the memories are just to strong and they have to start a new. If that is the case with your sister, remember, moving to a new spot in life is easier the younger you are at the time of the move.
Retirement apartments and communities always have small spots to garden on a limited basis. A small balcony or patio can hold lots of potted containers and keep anyone busy watering. It may seem silly to think of a younger person “retiring” to a community but health challenges are only going to increase, best to get the big move done and sit back and enjoy life. Using all of who you are for the new beginning of your life. Doing different things than you did before. She might find that friends around her for card games and shared outings will soon replace her many hours of gardening to her own drummer. Better than sitting in front of the TV all alone and adding depression to the constant pain of arthritis.
Making changes is never easy. That is not the point, nor is the idea of not affording it or where to go. Those things can be ironed out. Learning to “think” - I am going to be living for many years and I have to figure out the best place for me to do so, with my obvious challenges. That is the hardest part to tackle. Once the brain changes gears to thinking a new life pattern, that pattern falls into place. Its just getting your mind around change that is always the hardest part.
Even the strongest personalities resist change. Even the greatest dare-devils of their age, feel fear to the unknown future. Your job is to try to think of creative ways to present things to your sister, in a loving manner, that she can think over and choose to take action on – or leave on the table.
Getting older is never easy, but being a gardener does not go away. There are wonderful conservatories, public and private gardens and garden shows to attend. Wheelchairs and scooters are always welcomed at those places and keeping her involved in what she loves, but in a different form, is just as lovely.
If she is able to speak well, you will find that the Internet has “voice blog” sites that are free. What that means is that she could do a twice weekly mini- talk show on the net. She could talk about the time of year and ideas of how to tend to the listeners’ gardens. She would be handing down a lifetime of experience instead of mourning it’s lost. Creative ideas keep us going – that’s your only duty – to keep the ideas coming and let her choose something that fits her love and her abilities.
Blessings on you for caring for your sister, please visit my website www.seniorcarewithsprit.comand get more tips for senior caregiving.
Thanks, francy
Senior No Longer Wants to Do Household Chores
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My husband is very ill with a heart condition. He no longer holds a job and is not able to do household chores of any kind. How can I keep him busy?
Well, first of all…all members of a household have to contribute to the home. You just have to get creative about how to keep him involved and not let him fall into the “watch TV all day” world. It will take him and you down to a new low and no one needs to be there.
At meal time, have him set the table. You can keep the flatware in an easy carry basket and the napkins in rings on top. He only needs to take the basket to the table and make place settings for each meal.
You do his wash, take it in to him in the living area and put the basket on a stool and have him do his own folding. If he has to do a walk each day, make sure its to the mail box, with or without you, getting outside is a must. It gives him something to look forward to – or complain about.
Now, there is the problem – complaining. It would be so much easier for the care giving spouse, just to do those small tasks. They get done in a flash when you’re able to multi-task. But guess what? No way. You have to “think” up little things that your senior can do and then make them a must. A job is a job. If you need to put toilet paper out in a bathroom, you hand him the rolls as he leaves his chair for a bathroom break. If its time for garbage, you ask him to carry the small and light trash bin from the bedroom or the bathroom to the kitchen for you. If you are sorting through the bills, ask him to open them- throw out the garbage mail and have the bill and the paid envelop ready for you to put on your billing desk. Keep him involved in your life together. No matter how unwell, little things can be done.
You make the coffee/tea and put the serving pot on the table with the cups and ask him to pour. You have him shine the silver for you – he can do that sitting at the table. You can have him use a small bowl at the kitchen table and peel the apples or peel the potatoes. You bring over the junk drawer and have him sit there and sort and clean it.
You can ask him to find programs for you to circle in the TV section or record on the DVD. And by the way, anyone who watches TV all day, does not get to choose programs at night when you are finally resting and ready to watch TV with them.
Have him gather his clothes for tomarrow and put in the bathroom to ready for his morning shower. Have him mark off his medication or fluid intake. Get him involved in anyway that his limitations allow.
My husband has dementia, he is still able to do projects around the house if they are simple. Like vacuuming, but he does not like it. So there is a fuss each time he does it. Now, I could give in and do it in a 1-2-3- fashion…but I do not. I know that he needs to be involved and I just wait him out. Sooner or later, the vacuum goes on and he gets it done so we can have lunch together! Food is always my draw card for this sort of thing. But really, I now do everything else and as time goes on I will do even more for him. I have to force myself to be strong to keep him busy and be a part of the family life.
The hardest part of care giving is being creative. I say it over and over again. You are tired, you are stressed, you have your own life, your own meds, your own problems and now you take on the whole ball of wax for someone you love. You have to keep strong and make them respect you and the household. Life does not stop because of illness. Weeds have to be pulled, lawns have to be mowed, floors have to be cleaned, dishes have to be done. So, find a place that your senior can do this task or that and make it easy for them by gathering the needed tools into one place. Then set the rules and go for it.
I appreciate what you are dealing with in your care giving to your husband and I thank you for your ongoing gifts of love to him. Please visit my website and get more care giving tips to keep you in the know www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Stress is Overwhelming for Alzheimer’s Caregiver
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy- I’m embarrassed to say this – I care for my husband that has Alzheimer’s and I’m feeling like I am losing it. We have no money for a fancy care center for him and yet we own too much to get assistance. Can you help?
I am right there with you. My husband has Alzheimer’s too and I often feel like I have lost my own mind. I have to work at home, I write and do my senior care consulting as much as I can so I can pay bills and the house payment. I have a large home that needs repairs before it is sold and a very limited income and it all just seems overwhelming on a daily basis. But all of this chaos is not his fault and I still see him as the man I love and married over 30 years ago.
So the only person to keeping the dishes spinning in the air…. is YOU and ME.
Lets talk about you and me for a change and not our husbands.
* I start my days with a personal building energy time (prayer if you like, or meditation) It keeps me feeling safe. I do it as soon as I feel awake and before I move for the day. Just me and my own personal thinking time before I rise from bed.
* I run through my own day and what I have to achieve. Then I think of a few things to keep my husband busy while I finish my own goals. If I need to go out or do something in depth, I may have to have a family or friend come over – but usually I stay home. There are day care centers for him, but they’re pricey and I try not to use them too often. I get all of that in my mind and then I keep it to myself. You do not want to start the day with negative things and putting to much information in your spouse’s mind What daily plans that used to calm him, now overwhelms him. So I am the master of the day.
* I get up and make sure breakfast is made for us “both”. I make no exceptions to this. I eat, he eats and takes his meds. My husband has a special emotional pill and brain pill that need to get into him with food. He has to take them about an hour before they work. So, for the first hour I keep him calm. I often feed him breakfast in bed and then his pills. I then get dressed and then it’s time for him to get up and start his day.
* I am now quite protective of my time. If someone wants to come and visit – I set the time to visit, not them. Where once I was perky and friendly – I am now very careful with my time. What will tire me or upset him, is it worth the visit or the outing? I get to decide, my family gets to live with it. And they do, they support me and understand. But I had to lay the rules down, I had to be the bad guy at first, not a fun thing to do.
*Old traditions are now changed. We used to travel, go out to dinner, go to charity events and hit the movies or plays. Now, we stay home and watch PBS specials and he watches the military channel! I used to receive flowers and special gifts for holidays and some times just because he cared. Now there are no gifts of remembrance from him. I now give him special things and buy my own flowers. But I do buy flowers and I did buy my Christmas gift online and when it arrived I kept it in the delivery box and put wrapping paper on it and put it under the tree. As he asked if he could buy me a gift, I would point to the box and say…”You did!”
* When I feel really stressed I stand up and walk away from the situation to another room. I take three very deep breaths and then I try to think of my Kodak Moment. That is a little thing I have been doing for a long time to take note of life’s little gifts. As I go through my days, I see something sweet around me and I take a picture of it in my mind. Like waking up with my sweet husband by my side and our two dogs hugging in close to him and our cat at the end of the bed. All of us together in a place of safety and sleep. Or, when I am driving and I see some squirrels run across the road or cute little children climbing off a school bus, I hit the snap button in my brain’s own little camera. So, when I am need to do a mini-mini escape from frustration and stress – I can pull up some of my brain pictures and think about them and be grateful.
* I make a plan to escape once a month. If there is a special museum show or a free summer concert in the park. I make that our “get out day” I take a small picnic a couple of chairs and my husband and I drive to the event and have a really nice time. Short, simple, something for each of us.
* Now, this is the hard part. I made a decision that my husband did not need any further medical treatment for the usual check-ups that we all have done. If he has cancer or a cold that turns into phneumonia it will be how he passes. Because dementia does take your mind first, but it may take a long, long time to take the body. I do not want him floating in a state of confusion for years. So, I am turning it over to a higher power to decide what his passing will be. But I am not going out of my way to keep him in perfect health as I have been for the last 30 years. This was the hardest thing I have had to do so far, just making this decision and now sticking with it tore me apart.
* You may find me poking fun at my husband for his non-functioning brain, or singing a song that comes to my mind, or watching only happy movies, or talking to friends that have fewer problems in their lives, or reading a Daily Word, or writing a daily journal, or just being goofy. Because I can not stop being me – a blonde is simply a blonde and there is nothing I can do to stop that. Ditzy and strange, but I can still give him love and care better when I allow the me inside to still be there.
* If there is food that I am craving, or a book that I want to read – I carve out time for me too. More and more he is just watching TV, so I am able to do my work during the day…at night I curl up to him and put my headphones on and listen to music and read a book while he is watching his favorite show. It comforts me to be close to him.
*If there is an argument I pull back and stop. There is nothing to argue over now, I am making the decisions right or wrong. All the years of sharing and compromise are gone, now it is me that has to decide and hope that my actions will bring us both to a better place in all things.
*If I become frightened of my decisions or of the ever changing moods of my husband – I deal with it with tears. I do not allow myself to think ” be brave no tears” – No way, I am brave, but I do have tears and loneliness and that is OK. After a good cry on my own, I work through it and come out ready to tackle another challenge.
* I do make plans for “after my husband” – I do not think this is being cruel to him, I think of it as being kind to myself. I will say to myself; “when things are over I will make a trip to the ocean with my sister and just rest and enjoy the dogs on the beach.” It gives me a feeling that “the end”, will not be “my end”. I need to feel that to keep my spirit strong.
* I try to care for myself as much as I can. Everyone tells you to take it easy. When you deal with any heavy care giving you can not “take it easy” but you can eat and drink water, and get check ups and take your meds on time. You can walk in place or do Yoga – you can have a journal and express yourself – you can eat chocolate and laugh.
* I hope that some day…no one will understand our frustrations. I hope this horrid thing of dementia, cancer, brain disorders, diabetes and such are long gone. I hope that a wife can enjoy her husband until the last breath instead of spending years giving him intensive, 24/7 care. But, for now…you and I both know it is only us. WE are the ones that will take them through to the end, we are the ones that can do it. We have been strong our whole lives and now we just have to be strong again, but for two. I spend my day telling my husband, ” I love you”. I guess I just don’t want him to forget that too. But it comforts me, every time I say it – I feel safe for a minute. Feeling safe is what we have to hold on to, even for a moment.
* You can do this, spouses do this all the time. We are all tucked away in homes here and there around the world, but we are all going through the same feelings. Click into a support group, click on my webpage and my online radio show and keep your spirits as strong as you can. You are gifting your spouse with more love than you ever thought you had. You are not leaving him alone, you are standing by his side and you are doing it with your head held high and a smile. Because pioneer men and women have it in them.
Visit me at www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more tips and ideas of how to be creative in your care giving. Blessings on you…francy
Senior Does Not Want to Take So Many Pills
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: My Dad is constantly telling me he has too many pills. I just do not know how to handle this, do I actually take some away?
I am right with you, my mother and my husband said the same thing. If you think about medications they do add up. Then you add in a supplement for joint pain, a small aspirin, stool softener and before you know it, you have a mess of pills to swallow. So, here are some ideas.
* First I have all the medications on a listing on my computer. I put the pill type, the strength, the amount of pills per day, the doctor, what it’s for and then the time of day to take it and if it needs food. I am very good about keeping this listing up to date, so I can take it with me to any doctors office instead of a bag of pill bottles and present it at the hospital on emergency. It takes a little while to get it done the first time, but then it is just a simple update and you can save the file on your desktop to remind you.
* I have a morning and night – large pill container for my husband. But when I cared for my mother I had a huge container that I got through the hospital…she had 24 pills each day to take and I needed to give them to her four times a day. You will find these containers at the drug store or the pharmacy at your local hospital. They are a must!
* Once a week I go through my printed listing and check off the pills as I fill the container. I have to cut some of the pills and add supplements and such, but I do that once a week. Since most of my husband’s pills have to be taken with food, I make sure he has eaten before he takes the pills. I use yogurt, or pudding, applesauce, a bagel, or a cookie! Whatever works to get his stomach ready.
* Older people are generally not water drinking people. We all have so much water each day to flush our systems and we think everyone drinks a few glasses, not so! So, the best thing to do is to buy a juice like cranberry and put a small amount in the glass and then put in the water, so it gives it a bit of flavor.
* There are different ways to encourage people to swallow pills. You can have an Occupational Therapist help you with this if you get to a point that swallowing is a problem. They are great at getting pills to slide down older throats!
* In our state laws (Washington) state a care giver can not put a pill in someones hand or mouth. They can only present the pill in a container and watch to make sure the patient takes it. But that rule does not pertain to a family member, so you do not have to worry about it. I personally take the pills from the pill sorter, twice a day and put them into a small bowl that I have and leave the lid of the pill sorter open. That way, if my husband forgets to take them or I forget if I gave them, I can see at a glance that I did hand out the “Tues Morning Pills” because of the lid. Then my husband takes them.
* My husband’s dementia means that he rarely remembers what pill is what and why he is taking them. So I printed out a copy of the pill listing I have done (see above) and I have it in a plastic cover. Each time he asks to stop taking some of his pills I hand the plastic sheet to him and say, read this and tell me which one you want to stop. Once he reads what each pill does, he says well I guess it’s OK. This happens a couple of times a week for us. Hopefully your Dad will only need one review of the listing to see each pill has a purpose.
*The argument my mother gave me in her advancing 90’s was…I am going to die of something, why take pills? I would show her the list and tell her. “If you stop taking your heart meds or blood thinner and you could have a stroke or heart attack, so be it. But, what if the result is not death but you are so weakened that it keeps you from talking - or your heart attack means you are in a high care nursing facility for months or years?” That always did it for her, she would then understand that the reason for the pills was not just to live, but to live with dignity.
* Now, when you get to a point that hospice takes over care for someone that is 6 months or so out from passing. They will lower the pills down to the ones that keep someone from pain and remove the ones that do all the background work. They do it with a doctor and they adjust the meds in a way that makes the patient comfortable and pain free. So that changes the goals of the medications, but it is done with a doctor overseeing the process.
* Mother’s doctors really did not know much about treating a person in their late 90’s. They were scheduling her for routine breast tests and bone density test, etc. I stopped that stuff. We did not have to run around the town to find out if she had problems with her body. Obviously problems happen when you are advancing towards 100. She did not want to go through surgery or extra treatment for anything at her age. So, the tests were out. That made the time at the doctor’s offices much easier for both of us. Those are things that a simple “health care directive” will guide you.
* If you do not have a Health Care Directive, get one. You need to be made aware of his wants on his care and his death. You can get very inexpensive “family law” software that has basic wills and power of attorney rights for your to fill out and print. (Or buy a form at the office store) Have this filled out with both of you, get it witnessed with two people that are not related and then get it notarized by a bank, insurance or reality office. This way you are legally able to make decisions for your dad if he is confused or unwell. It does not give you the right to work with his financial end…that would be a full power of attorney. That would be between you and your dad to decide. Best to get this part of your relationship over and then you can concentrate on making medical and care decisions that you know he would want made on his behalf.
Good luck on the pills…hope this all helped and please visit my website to get more tips and information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Terminal Seniors Need Memories
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: My dad is only 72, he was so active, now he is facing the end of a battle with colon cancer. Depression has set in and I do not know how to lift his spirits. Do you have suggestion?
Yes, memories. When you are facing the end of your life and all seems lost, it is time to turn around and see what is behind you. The friends, the loved ones, the stories of childhood, teen years and early parenthood. The travels, the mistakes – it all needs to begin to tumble out and let him sort through it. You can be the one to open this door and let him know its OK to look back and talk about what was and to release the worries about what will be.
Most folks that face death will discuss things before they pass. Some might say; ” If I die, I do not want a big fuss funeral like Harry.” Then out of the blue their own death happens. This has been reported on by many family members of those that have passed with accidents or sudden death. It is strange to feel they just had a moment in time that opened them up for a possibility.
The others know they are passing they may avoid any talk about death and just ignore their spiral downward. Sometimes it is their personal fear, or the worry over those left behind, that they need to hold on as long as they can to care for family or friends. So, it is even more important that family allow them to discuss things without any judgement. You will find Hospice has many different chaplains that are trained to help the patient work through their thoughts on their own death. These chaplains do not have to be involved in faith, they are trained to do this process with anyone’s belief system. It is just that most of us want to talk about death with a stranger, so we can be open and not judged or hurt feelings in the discussion. So make sure you have someone that can come and encourage those discussions. Hospice is the best option I know of for the end of life care. If you choose other ways - invite a trained counselor into to your home to talk to your dad.
Now, about the memories…that is where you can shine all on your own. Memories help everyone work out thoughts in their minds. I find that almost all of my seniors that I have shared the journey to their passing with – talk about their past with great passion.
I start by asking them where they were born and what their parents were like. Then I ask them about their home and neighborhood. All of this begins the road to stories of young childhood, old friends long forgotten and times that have changed so much over the years.
Each visit I bring up a new topic and try to slowly walk them through their life. “What high school or college did you attend – were you in the military.” If they are shy, I will ask to see their pictures from that time. “Do you have a high school annual, pictures from boot camp or foreign travel shots as a young person?” I just take it easy and as I work, clean around them, tend to them - I encourage them to talk. I try to keep the TV down or off while I visit and just ask them questions in a soft manner. You rarely have to push, the words and memories start to unlock and soon they are rushing out.
You can have a recorder ready if you want to remember something. You can call a family member if they get stuck and wonder what ever happened to old Harry. You can make sure the family recipe for Apple pie that he was talking about suddenly appears in front of him with a piece of apple pie. It is up to you to be creative, but I assure you it can be very special listening to a life progress.
Bad times, sad things they come up and you have to watch some pain in the memory. People they lost, battles, jobs, money they lost. Life is never a picnic for anyone. But just be the observer – no judgement is needed. Allow them to talk and to cry or to laugh, or to just go quiet with their own thoughts.
My mother went through this and in the process by birth was talked about quite extensively. I was the baby of the family…the whoops! She talked about how sad it was for her to finally get her kids in school and her life back and then to be pregnant again. She then went into menopause after my birth and there was depression and a life of raising a very active child. At first, the conversation hit my heart. I was thinking how I always thought she loved me and wanted me and now I find out, I was just a pain for her. It effected me more than I knew because I am still processing it all after a couple of years since her passing. But, I allowed her to talk through it without my comments. I let her tell me her inner frustrations that she had to share and get out. They hurt, they were not pretty on my end. But, it was a process that she had to go through to get things laid out in front of her before she passed.
I do not think there is anyone ready to kick the bucket! We all go out screaming and fighting in one way or another…but we can settle into an ending that is more peaceful with memories. We can see that our life did have a lot of very special times, people and love. We can see that the bad times and feelings are gone and now faced again and tucked away. We can move forward through the physical pain, worry and fear and see that we had purpose and we leave an imprint.
Leaving an imprint, is really important to take note of when you go towards the ending of your life. Allowing your feelings and memories to be sorted and put to rest allows the terminal patient the ability to stay in the moment and be relaxed and ready for the journey.
It may be an emotional ride for you and your father…but facing the memories and the inner fears of death will make the final steps lighter for you both. I know that facing the end of your father’s life and being a caregiver for him, is very hard. You are going to remember this time all of your life, so just take it step by step and do not let your fears keep you from his side.
You can and are doing your best and that is all that is needed. Nature takes care of the rest. Please visit my website and review my CD on death and dying called, “What is at the End of Your Rainbow” – www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you for all you are doing for your dad. francy
Keep Seniors Clean!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parents are caring for each other in their own home, I go over every other day. The mess is driving me nuts, its like they do not even see it. I try to pick up here or there and they both get upset. Got tips?
Yep, I have tips. Remember when you were in your early teens and your room was a mess 24/7 and you mom would say – “Just because it’s Saturday you do not get to go out before you clean your room.” – Remember? Well, you’re becoming the mom, for them now and you get to make the clean-up rules. Life can not be dirty for seniors, they will get unwell, get depressed, take a fall over the piles of papers and have rodents infest their home with food stuffs piling up in garbage cans.
* If they have money – that does not mean wealth, just enough money for comfort. Then a twice a month maid service is best to start. Take your budget and call a few services and ask them how much time you would get for the money you have available. These places are bonded and their staff is not going to take things from the house, they are trained to clean fast – in & out. I always concentrate on the kitchen and the bathroom, those are places older people can not see well enough to keep clean. Then if the budget allows the living areas can be dusted and vacuumed. But you at least know that once or twice a month, the kitchen and bath have been well cleaned and the garbage taken out and the place will feel so good to your mother.
* If the cleaning service is too much, there is another way. You can find a gal in the neighborhood or your faith center that is either a retired lady or a young mother trying to stay home with her kids. Ask them if they are open to cleaning the house for your budget amount. You will find that they will do just as good a job, and do it for less. The problem, can you trust them with the safety of the house? Just remember, teenagers come with friends that can break and enter homes. They can see money or jewelry that is easy to take and they take it. So, if you stick to an older gal that respects things and is known by your parents or you, or a young mother that simply wants a few dollars for extra gas money…you should find them OK for the job. But, any time you have people in the home, you need to do a quick removal of anything big that could be taken. So, tell your mom the jewelry is going in the lock box at the bank. Your father’s watch is there too and when they go out to a fancy funtion (which I bet is very rare these days) you will retireive them.
* The best way to deal with the current mess in the living areas is to tackle it while they are out. Much less fuss. Rule one, nothing gets thrown out. You simply put all the newspapers and magazines in a container for the recycle and place it in the garage. It has to be in the garage, not in the house. So, if your dad wants to walk all the way out to the garage to get the recycle, he will think twice about it. Then you dust and move the furniture for a good vacuum. You may want to bring your vacum over so it has plenty of suction. Then you make sure you add something, like flowers on the table tops – just stop by the grocery store and get a mixed flower bouquet and put it in little glass containers on a couple of the tables in the living area. That will perk it up and make it all look and feel good.
* If you see they have pill bottles all over the place, that has to change. Bring them into the kitchen and divide them up with your mother’s in one basket and your dad’s in another. Then see if they have daily pill sorters. If not, you need to run out and get one for each of them and put their name on each one with finger nail polish. Most drug stores will use different colors for couples so they can keep their pill bottles separate. If this has not happened use a rubber band on all of your dad’s pill bottles. That way they can easily see the difference between them. This way; pills are sorted and arranged for taking twice to four times a day – once a week. This means the actually pill bottles stay in the baskets in the kitchen up on a safe shelf (away from the sink – where the steam can get to them) You then can sort the pills once a week on one of your visits and they can have their daily pill box right next to their chairs in their living area.
* Wash – the clothing thing is hard for older people that get unwell. Some times they have an accident and they have soiled things and that is embarrasing. But, that is even more important to make sure the dirty clothes are in containers, not on the floor. This is important to keep the spread of germs down to nothing in their home. So, you will have to make a space for their dirty clothes in their bedroom and the bath. I got a very large garbage can with a swinging lid that was cylindracal and put in the bathroom. I lined it with a very light plastic bag, so all I had to do was pull out the plastic bag a couple of times a week and keep those things going in the washer while I was doing other things around mother’s home. I had to buy a timer…so when I left and the drier was still going -I would set the timer and put it by her chair. She would then go and get her clothes and do the folding and the process meant we both shared a little of the work and it made it easier for my mother to live on her own a few years longer.
* I understand that papers and tools and gadgets have a place in the living area – when that is the only room someone spends their time. So, what I did for mother was buy a couple of baskets that were easy to pick up and empty, or take out to the work area to retrun tools or sort through papers. It make it easy for mother and I am sure it will make it easy for your parents. You will see that they will throw things in the basket and forget them. So, your cleaning them out, will not be a big deal on your visits.
* Walking around and spraying the channel changers, the wall switches, the oven handles, the telephones and cell phones and gettting those germs down to a minimum is just part of your visit once a week. As you get older, its a little like younger children, hands get dirty and germs start to migrate all over the place. This way, you have it under control. Let them be bothered, let them complain, just keep poking around and getting little things done here and there and you will find they will give in and relax and start to understand they raised a clean freak!
* Each season, do something that moves them toward a cleaner place. You might want to add an air cleaner to the living room or bedroom. That makes a huge difference for allergies and lung problems. You might want to add a water filter on their sink or just a little one for their daily water intake. Then the spring means you clean up their bedroom and get under the bed and change the mattrass and the fall means you clean the filter to the heater.
It does take you being creative but if you have a schedule, they will follow it and understand. So, instead of feeling bad, you simply have to take a mother stance and say, “we do this because I say“.
I know that you do not want to walk all over your parents, but this is an important time. If they are both unwell, they need you to keep them in their home. If they need you, they need to follow your lead and keep their surroundings clean and clear. They have to be able to walk and use their walkers, so that means no throw rugs or garbage on the floor. They have to be able to shower on unsteady legs. That means a good shower seat that they sit on outside of the tub and then move over into the tub and use a hand held shower. If you need to buy and put one in, you can do this on any current shower head. Get the hardware to expain the process and use low flow water heads to save on their water bill.
*Take things down from the tall cupboards in the kitchen and keep the used items close and easy to reach. Clean out the bathroom and get it up to date with new products and new towels. Make the house a place they enjoy and see as updated and fun, not as a place to protect against change. It will take your mind to think of ways to ease them out of old behaviors into to new ones. But you can do it. Keep a smile, keep yourself up and happy on your visits. Everytime a fuss is made, you just say, “I am doing this to keep you both safe in your own home, and this is what I need to do”. Being a strong daughter or son is not pleasant, but it is simply how the world changes when we age. Using love and creativity is the key. Making them laugh over newspapers that are two years old, making them not even know you have slipped a laundry in the wash and cleaned up the refrigerator when you put away the groceries you bought. That is how it is done, sneaky, but with lots of love.
Thank you for all you are doing to keep your parents safe and tucked into their home for a few more years. Please go to my website and enjoy other ideas that may be of help for you and if you get to a place that you need an advanced care center for your parents, let me know. I have a free service to help you with that too. www.seniorcarewithspririt.com
Thanks, francy
Traveling with an Alzheimer’s Senior
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I am going to take my older sister on a garden tour trip to Canada, this spring. Any suggestions?
As long as you are with her – there should be no problem. I would always get travel insurance. You never know how fast her condition can change. She may be in a comfortable spot with her dementia at this time but life can change. Just be sure you’re covered financially if you have to cancel.
Get a good ID Bracelet with her name and your cell phone number. If she gets lost, a good person can easily call your cell phone. Give her a cell phone to wear around her neck. My husband has one with him all the time, but he often forgets how to use it. Write on the back “push 1 to call Sarah” so she can remember how to call you, if she is confused. Make sure others around you know she has memory challenges. That way they will take note if they see her alone and walking away. They have GPS units that you can put on her wrist and then have the receiver in your purse. If she goes a missing, you click it on and find her blinking on the screen. It does have a range, so put on your own antenna and remember to keep her by your side or with a few minutes range at all times.
Most doctors that treat dementia of all forms; ask the care family not to make any changes around the patient. The familiar keeps dementia seniors comfortable, calm and functioning well. But if you are traveling with her and she uses you as her safe key for comfort there should be no problems.
I know many people that take short trips with dementia patients and they have had nothing but fun times. It’s always good to remember you are not going to leave her for a moment. Not even in the room to take a nap. You can never plan on her movements on her own. She could wake in a strange room walk out the door and you would be looking for her all over the place. Think of what you would do with a toddler and how you would not leave them, well that is the idea for the dementia/Alzheimer senior.
I know from a friend that was a flight attendant - the amount of people that literally dump grandma at the airport with a ticket in her hand. The senior is guided to the gate and then just pushed along with others through to the flight, but on the other end, who is there? Usually the family has had enough and is sending grandma on to another sibling. That is NOT how you treat a person that can go into confusion at any moment.
My friend said the flight crew is nervous all through the flight with worry over the senor’s safety in an emergency and they often have to escort off the plane and sit and wait with the senior for the family to show up. Sad stuff.
I am guilty. When my husband was in early stages of dementia/Alzheimer’s he went on a trip to visit his kids in California. We had NOT gotten a diagnosis of his dementia at that time. He had been forgetting things, showing odd behavior and expressing anger but it was early days, yet. So, he got a ticket from his son and he was ready to go.
Now, as a life-long traveler (my husband owned and ran travel agencies for over 35 years) he was ready to hit the road on the drop of a hat. But, I did notice he was confused and upset about packing. Boy that really threw me, because my husband had always been the packing genius. I would take forever to pack and he would pack in 10 minutes for 3 weeks in Europe! His behavior was strange enough that I packed for him, that time. I dropped him off, with time to spare, at the airport with cookies to eat before the flight, kisses, goodbyes and drove off. He made it through to the plane and the flight was on time. He then got off in Reno and he called me right away, ”francy, I just can not remember why I am here?” he said.
I was a mess of worry over the call. He son did pick him up on time and no other words were spoken about the trip but positive stuff. So, I calmed down until two days later. The phone rang again, “francy, I have just called Kittens and asked her to come and get me. I have no idea how to get back to Jo’s place”. He had taken the car to drive into town and look around while his son went to work and he got lost, lucky for us, his daughter drove to met him and get him back to the house right away. Her immediate response saved the us all from a lot of pain.
That was that for me. I made a pledge that he would not travel without me, again! I was so happy to see his smiling face when he got off the plane and walked out of the gate area. He was filled with happy stories and yet, he knew his life had changed. He even asked me to make an appointment with the doctor, he accepted the fact that he needed help. It was the beginning of a big change in our lives and I am just glad I got him home safe. He could have gotten so lost driving around the mountain area of Tahoe City.
The problem with dementia/Alzheimer’s is that you never know what confuses someone. Some place or thing they have done over and over through the years, suddenly slips out of their mind and they lose their place. They can use the remote control for the TV on a daily basis and suddenly start to push buttons in frustration. They drive to the local store and then forget why they’re in the parking lot, they start to put oil in the car and then walk away and leave the car there with the oil bottle still tipped upside-down in the engine area. It is so strange to watch their minds change and so you can not count on any normal or usual action to take place.
The confusion of getting off a plane and not knowing what direction to walk to the baggage area. That could set them off and they would wander down and around the airport for hours. The confusion of sitting at a different table having lunch and you go for the salad bar and they just get up and start to wander off.
Then they have a few days of total calm and awareness of their surroundings and you think “Oh, things are OK now.” But you have to accept that things are never going to be better now – ever. Their minds will slowly get worse and you just have to change your life to fit into their new life. So, treat them as you did your younger toddlers, keep them in eye’s view.
Keep your sister right with you and then the trip to the store or the beautiful Canadian gardens will be fun and enjoyable for you both. Thank you for such quality care of your sister, she is a lucky girl to have you. Please go to my website and get other tips on all senior care issues. I also have a great FREE Senior Care Placement Service that will help you make a decision on future advanced care for your loved one. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
By the way, I have a dear friend that specializes in trips & cruises for seniors and those with challenges. To visit her website go to my web page and click on the links. Linda is a dear gal and will give you excellent care. She was a terrific care giver to her mother, with Alzheimer’s for many years so she has been there. She has traveled the world and is an expert in group and personal tours. Plus, she is a very nice lady and you will enjoy having her help you with all your travel needs. Her web site www.travelingcougars.com has her phone contact information. Just give her a call and see if she can really add some zing to your life with a little safe travel!
Please go and enjoy the rest of the Alzheimer blogs on my Dear Francy blogs and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comto get more information. Don’t forget, when you get to the stage that you need care facility help for your loved one, please contact me and let me help you through that process with our Loving Memories – Senior Care Facility Placement Service that is FREE for you to use.
Thank you, francy
Boomers Are Stressed Over Senior’s Medications
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy;
I am going nuts over asking my wife if she has taken her pills. I get them ready before I go to work and she is unable to take them on time, even when I call to remind her. I need more ideas!
This is the way that dementia starts to tug at the mind of caregivers. It’s the little things that are so important and so hard to handle when you repeat and repeat and get no reaction. So let’s go through some of the guidelines of medication and see if we can give you some peace.
First, you’re only required to “try”. That means a good college try. Try everyday to keep the medications in her life as stable as you can. There is still a world out there and you have to live in it, go to your work and care for the rest of your family. So just take a deep breath and try. The consistent attention that you give your wife is much like what you had to do when your children were growing up. Frustration is high, disappointment is high, and worry is high for anyone caring for a patient with emotional or brain dysfunctions. It’s just what we have to do. As you know, I care for my husband with Alzheimer’s, too….so this pill is a big deal for YOU and for ME.
The importance of medication for dementia/Alzheimer’s seniors is really critical because the emotional pills keep them stable; the brain medication is designed to keep as many brain functions as possible – working. Taking two sets of pills in the morning will only confuse and upset the senior and omitting even one set of pills will change their personality and may do damage to the brain. If you remember from your doctor’s talking to you about the brain – it actually loses power when someone over-doses, gets upset, gets ill with a high temperature, infection or high confusion-stress event. It can take weeks to months to build brain functions back from those various events.
Since the brain on dementia/Alzheimer is now slowing down in growing new pathways – they may not recover. They will just go downhill faster. Brain trauma is one of the biggest recovery problems for the young solders coming home, wounded in the war. They have young healthy bodies and they’re able to slowly build up their brains again. They can make up for the brain functions that were lost and build new ones at the same time. Now it may take them months or years, but the function of their brain is always in a forward motion healing itself. The older senior – does not have the building brain power at that level anymore and has an actual block with the workings of dementia/Alzheimer’s condition – those seniors are in trouble. A step back is really two steps back and never forward again.
That means it’s up to us to help them remove the stress events, keep them from getting unwell, and keep their medication intake as close to schedule as possible. So, let’s review the steps to take to make the medication preparation easier:
Medication Preparation:
- All medications, their strength, their name, the reason for taking them, the time to dispense, amount of pills and if they are taken with food – should be written down. Go to your computer and take time for a complete listing. Keep it right on your screen as an icon (save to the desktop) and update as you get new Rx’s. Add the supplements you are using, too. So you have a clear pattern of what pills to give and when that anyone can read and understand. Write it for someone else to read and it will be clear to all care givers and professionals that will need the information in the future.
- Most patients start with morning and night routines, but this may go up to four times a day. You need to have a good sized pill sorting/container. Go to the bigger drug stores and find a container that is right for your use. I now have to keep this container in my own bathroom, in a drawer, away from my husband’s sight. He will see it and think he has to take his pills at any time of day or night. So, I now have them tucked away.
- I keep the pill bottles in a basket and sort through the pills once a week and make sure I have them all in order. I re-order new meds if they are getting low and I buy new supplements. I use Turmeric and high B vitamins, a joint supplement and Omega Oils (salmon oil) if you want to know about those – do a Google and find out the different supplements that people are using to help with dementia. Remember all of the supplements are in addition to their medications. I fill up the 7 day supply of pills for morning and night and then I can relax over that part for the rest of the week. The big basket of pills containers goes up on a high shelf in my laundry room. (my husband does not enter that room)
- I take the pills from the weekly container – twice a day and put them in a small dish and hand them to my husband. If I am not there I have him take them before I leave, or I now have someone else give him the pills. If I was going to be gone for a day or two- I would have a friend in the neighborhood or a family member come and give him the pills. My husband is just not able to do it any longer without help.
- I have been asking him – “Did you take your pills?” for a year now! But, that is a silly thing to ask someone that cannot remember if they have taken their pills…they may remember they took them the day before or last night so the memory for them is not reliable. At first we would leave the lid of the morning open to check on during the day. That got too complicated and he doubled up his meds too many times. This new way of just dispensing the medications works best for me. I did the same thing for my mother’s care. I treat the pills as if I have a toddler in the house; they are put up on a shelf or in a room that they do not go into – for safety.
- Caution; in many states putting pills in someone’s mouth or putting mediated cream on their skin is not legal. So you have to know the rules for your area of care. If you are a family member the rules do not apply, you can administer the medications. I still, put them in a small bowl and he takes them with fruit juice & water. I now watch him do it twice a day. His Alzheimer’s pills have to be taken with food – I have bagels, yogurt and applesauce ready at all times. He has taken them on his own without the food and that results in heart burn or sick stomach – when that happens I know he has done something off the grid and I check the process out right away.
Trust your own mind. If your wife says something and you hear it but think she is misinterpreting things – check it. Go and look – see if the pills are gone or two day’s pills are missing. See if she can find the car keys and then change them to another spot. Take a note from what she says, she may be saying something important but in a form that your ear does not hear. So, retrain your ear to hear her meaning not her words.
I get upset over meds. I try so hard to get them right and it hurts me so when something goes wrong. My upset is Ok -I need to be a person with feelings, but to overdue the upset is wrong. That’s when you pull the senior in the pool with you and that can be harmful. Just like you used to do with the toddler, be firm and clear about the mistake and then leave it.
Have your wife take her morning meds before you leave the house. Ask the doctor to change any afternoon medications to something that can be given on a time release or morning only basis. (Because she will not take the meds on her own) Then you give her meds after dinner and that is that. Life has to have solutions and that is as close as you can get. If the meds require four times a day, getting a helper to come in and do it for you is a must. You can trade a retired person in the neighborhood for doing their lawn or having them over for dinner once a week. Think of ways to make it work, without a big expense.
Medications can make such a big difference in dementia/Alzheimer’s seniors that it’s worth the worry and the work over the process and I applaud you for your “good try”. Just keep plugging along, the path may be long and lonely, but the reward is your wife’s peace and quality of life. Thanks for all you do and please visit my website and get more information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Sign up for our newsletter while you are there!
Thanks, francy
Red Carpet Treatment for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parents downsized to a small home, they’re both health challenged and they have no money to go anywhere! How can I bring more smiles to their lives?
Perfect day for smiles when we are talking about Awards time on TV, the top Dog Shows are in the spring, Derby Day will come in May and then Tiger Woods is back on the links, again. There are always special movies, special events and something fun to watch or be involved in – you just have to make it special.
Bring you or your family over to their place with pizza and popcorn and watch the TV event with them. That way it’s a special night that you all enjoy together. No worry if you know nothing about horse racing or opening day of baseball, it’s the event that counts.
If you have time, give your mom a facial while you watch the red carpet interviews. Talk about the dresses and the pretty girls. It does not mean you have to see all the movies or know the award winners, it’s just the event that makes the night fun. How about all of the girls from grandma to grand daughters get their nails done while you watch TV. A girls night -
Your dad can have his time in the sun, there are pay for view games, fights and sports events you and your husband or friend can make it a guys night out. Make or buy an apple pie and serve it warm with vanilla ice cream and you will have all generations of the guys in your family - happy as can be.
Summer means there’s lots of summertime fun events. Free fun at that. I love concerts in the park, we have a small community near us that has a terrific 4th of July parade that is so small and reminds you of the old days with the kids following on their bikes or walking their dogs. I love it!
There are community events, small market days or flee markets set up in each community and even great ice cream shops to get that old fashioned ice cream cone.
Life does not have to be pricey. Dinner out can be fried chicken from your kitchen, or from the grocery store deli section. Potato salad and pickles are all you need…with some old fashioned bottles of cream sodas or root beer. Drive down to the lake or sea shore and have a nice picnic. If your parents are no longer able to get out and walk…then just stop by and get hamburgers off the dollar menu and drive to a place with a great view and eat in the car.
There are still drive-in movie places here and there…they still allow folks to have a good time. It might not be easy for those that have to use the bathroom a lot, if that’s the case rental movies are the best.
I recently had my sister and her husband over and we watched a movie that reflected the time when they were growing up. We all laughed and had a good time together over a simple movie. I served a good dessert and the evening was really very nice.
I have friends that have movie night with about three couples, once a month. They bring a potluck dinner and take turns ordering movies. Simple, low budget enjoyment with friendship kicked in to make it even better.
Outside BBQ’s in the summer make it fun for the grand kids. Older people just love to watch young people so buying that blow up wading pool for Grandpa’s back yard will keep the kids busy all evening. Just do what you like to do, but do it with them.
Yes, it does take more of your time to carry around things from house to house. Yes, the kids may throw fits to go away from their computer games for an evening, but a twice a month visit that’s filled with enjoyable things for everyone is not a bad way to encourage family nights.
For many years, my mother had Sunday dinners. All of my sisters and their young families would come and we all enjoyed the full family together for good food and great visits. There is nothing wrong with a once a month gathering of family at your parents home, with you doing the cooking. Your parents can look forward to the event and the family can still have those memories and family ties that make for healthy realtionships as kids grow up. Even if it’s a tight squeeze, its the food and family that count.
Once a year, on Queen Victoria’s birthday in May, my girlfriends and I used to go to our larger city (Seattle) and have high tea.We would dress up, wear hats, gloves and even tiaras and have a grand time. It was so much fun. You can re-create that sort of thing in the back yard with your sisters, daughters, nieces and your mother. Life can be fun with little things, it may seem crazy and take time & energy on your part - but fun is fun. Money does not have to be a stumbling block to enjoyement!
Thanks for taking time to care about your mom and dad. How lucky they are that they have you to keep them smiling. Please go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand take a look at the other senior care tips that I have for you. Remember, if you’re thinking about placing your parents in a care facility of any kind – I have a FREE service that will help you make those decsions and find just the right assistance that they need its all on the web site please do visit.
Thank you, francy
Cats for Good Elder Health & Care!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mother lost her dog over a year ago, she misses it so, but her health is keeping her from taking on a new dog. Should I push a new dog or not?
I am so into this – my mother had her dog with her until it passed (at 19) a few months before she did (at 100). So, I totally understand the connection for a senior and I think its vital to have relationships and responsibilities for seniors of all age and abilities.
A dog needs attention and a daily routine. That means that the senior can give them loads of loving and it keeps both the senior and the dog on schedule to feed, pet, groom and exercise.
So, if there is an enclosed yard -right off your seniors living area that they can release the dog for them to go potty and get some run-around time, yeah. If the senior is still able to walk to the mailbox and can take the dog with them, yeah. If the senior can reach down and fill the water bowl and feed the dog, yeah. Then go ahead and encourage them to get another dog.
There is never a replacement for a pet that we have had for years, that’s a loss that will be carried for a very long time. But giving an older dog, that’s on the small side, a new life with a senior - is such a blessing for them both.
Good news, there are lots of senior programs that give money towards or waive the adoption fee at local shelters. Check them out with the larger dog food companies and call your shelter and ask them if they have a program for seniors. Our shelter has a person that will handle the adoption. She takes down the seniors needs and abilities and then she starts to look for a dog. When she finds one she calls and you can then go and visit. You will find this service really helpful. She will get a dog that may not be able to adopt into a younger family, it maybe older itself and has come from a senior that could no longer keep it. So the matching is important and all you have to do is some homework and get the ball going, there are so many people in the adopt a pet world that want to place animals to good homes. Allow those professional to suggest what’s best for the senior. Even though a life time of larger dogs has been enjoyed, it might be time for a small dog that takes up less room, less food and spends more quality time on the lap or sitting next to the senior.
You can also go online and actually look at the pet. Most shelters have pictures of all their pets and it’s really enjoyable to take a look. My mother wanted a very small dog and she loved schnauzers so it took us about six months to find one. We had to drive to a nearby town to adopt it, but it was a perfect match. She enjoyed that dog for over 10 years and the dog was older when we adopted it. About one year before mother moved in with us, she shared with me that I would have to take the dog to my home. She was having problems getting it outside on time and it was doing it’s business in the house. Her little dog stayed with me and visited her often and then was re-united when mother came to live with us. It was a nice trade off.
Do not worry about the animal when your mother is unable to care for it any longer.The shelter will simply help to re-adopt it out and/or you or one of your family may take it in for the few years it will have to live. Dogs and cats really do re-adjust to a new owner, just like us it takes them a while, but living in a loving home is what they need.
Now, what happens if the senior is unable to do all the running around that is required for a dog. Well, this is when an older cat walks in the door and takes over your seniors heart! Even if your senior has not been a cat person, this is the time to get a cat in the house and find out how enjoyable they can be for seniors. First, you do the same thing as you did with the dog adoption. You call or visit your local shelter and tell them what is needed, tell them about your family member and what their restrictions are and they can find a cat that will adapt to those restrictions.
Make up your mind that the cat will be an indoor cat, that’s older - those are the ones that have trouble with adoption. So the match is so much sweeter when the senior knows they have saved a pet, not just gained a pal. Hopefully the shelter has a senior program for reduced or free placement of cats and you can go online and look up cats just as easy as you can dogs. I like the Short haired American cats that do not have that long hair, so the house does not need to be cleaned so often. The shelter will tell you if a male or female is best for the senior and then take them home.
Make sure you have a good cat box. You can get cat boxes that clean on thier own, or you can buy “scoop” cat litter that has ordor reducers in the mix. Since the senior may not be able to clean the litter, you will have to have it set up to be cleaned every two or three days when you or another family member comes to visit. Put up a reminder in the kitchen to all visitors, asking them to please clean the litter box if they are visiting. Most folks find this just a task to do, so do not worry about handing it over to a visitor. Or, a younger person in the neighborhood would gladly do the cleaning for $5 a week. It is up to you how to handle it. But this is really the only issue that has to be discussed because unlike dogs – cat take care of their own needs.
The food is easy. You buy dry food designed for the indoor cat. You will find that it is wise to buy a container for the food at the get-go. In the pet stores you will find a tall plastic container on wheels with a good lid and you can pour the food into the container and the lid snaps down. This way if the container has to be on a porch you are not alerting rodents or others to eat the cat food out of the bag and the senior does not have to lift the big bag to fill the dish. They just scoop the food out of the rolling container into a container that is large enough to hold a few days of dry food and will fit into the cupboard. The feeding time is easy to do.
I like to buy the smaller cat food cans and give my cats 1/2 a can of food with some warm water every other day. This will keep the cat drinking plenty of water and that’s what they are to do if they are in doors all the time. Water does need to be fresh each day, but the senior can keep the water and the dry food dish up on a counter that is not used by food preparation. That way it’s easy for the senior to keep the water and food filled.
No other food can be given to a cat, no people food is allowed and the cat will adjust their own eating pattern to what their body needs.
A good bed is required and I always have a couple of those. Every room needs a place for a cat to sleep. You can find sheepskin type fabric at the pet store. It comes in a large roll. You just cut it in half and put the fabric on the back of the couch by a window or on a foot stool and the cat will find their way to curl up and enjoy it.
I like to get cats that live alone toys. Little balls and small mice like toys filled with catnip will keep them busy and the senior will enjoy their chasing the toys around the room. There are long feathered toys that he senior keeps by their chair and flips at the cat for the all important chase time.
The scratching post is a must. I would suggest the larger posts if you can afford it. If not, you’ll find a corrugated paper one that can be placed on the floor and sprinkled with catnip. I use catnip on my scratching post, all the time, to entice the cat to use the post, not my furniture and to play.
Furniture does not have to be ruined. Cats can be trained. I roll up a newspaper and when a cat starts to claw the furniture I hiss out loud and hit the newspaper roll on my chair arm. The noise will ward off the cat and the behavior is soon out of their routine. But you do need a place to scratch so do not forget those posts. Deterring sprays can be purchased too. But in all my years of cats and dogs, my furniture has never been a target, I simply stay on the cat until they understand that is not a good idea. A spray bottle of water can be used if the senior can not move around easily.
Cats will take about two weeks to settle into a pattern. You will never have to worry, if you just talk to them in a calm tone, and look at them when you are talking they will soon understand the kindness and respond. They will be on your lap or close to you…or they will just come and visit you when they want petting. Either way, it will adjust to the senior and the cats needs, I have never seen it fail.
A presence in a home of a pet is so important. A senior has had a life full of children, spouse, family, friends, work friends and neighbors. As they age the house becomes quieter and people pass in and out of their lives. Loneliness is a huge reason for unwanted illness and depression. Just to have a companion makes such a difference.
I have my cat sitting in front of my computer screen bathing herself as I write, so I know the quiet sweetness they give to people.
Remember, even though the senior may feel like they are too old to have another pet. No one is too old for love, too old for a cat to curl up on their lap or a dog to give them a hug. This is how a senior stays attached to life, they need interaction. Pets will help with that and finding one that is just right for your senior is a task I would hand over to the professionals at the pet adoption center. Maybe it will be a bird or a tank of fish – the senior can find things to care for and interact with that will add to their quality of life.
Thank you for lifting the care of your mother to a place that has more than three meals and a safe home, but a home filled with love. Please visit my web site www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more information on topics and remember that if you need to find a special home that will provide a more assisted living contact me. I have a FREE service that places seniors in care facilities of all kinds depending on the seniors needs. I take the worry and work out of a difficult decision.
Thank you, francy
Develop Your Psychic Abilities for Senior Caregiving
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parent’s home is so quiet when I visit. They have the TV on mute and just watch the screen, they rarely talk and visiting them is really kind of creepy. I think there’s something wrong but I cannot put my finger on it. Any suggestions.
Yes, you are doing a great job with your assisted living care. This is the type of thing we all need to do. Be alert to changes and even if the changes are not alarming, they signal different things.
I called our neurologist this morning and left him a message on a change in my husband’s behavior with Alzheimer’s. I want the doctor to know, so he can up his meds or make a change. The change in my husband, is light, but it caught my attention so I am reporting it. My husband is replacing his words, that means he is not remembering some of his speaking vocabulary. He is also saying “I’m sorry” all the time. That means that he’s upset at his behavior and that could be a depression issue. I just report these things and the doctor then takes the steps to change medication if he feels it’s important enough.
So, you found the house too quiet. This is really a normal thing with those that are hard of hearing. They do not like to wear their hearing aids at home. ( I know it does not make sense but they all do this behavior) They say all the noise is just too distracting for them. It’s like not wearing their glasses and then they stop reading.
I understand the TV on mute with the words running across the bottom of the screen. But I would ask them to have it on low, having background noise is what keeps our brains working well. Not hearing words will change their speaking pattern so get them to go a head and have the noise in the background.
Make sure you call each day once or twice and talk to both of your parents. Many times the woman talks and man starts to get quiet. Then make sure they have at least a once a week outing to be around others. The senior center will have something that will catch their interest, or their faith center. They do not have to go to church on Sunday and be around all those people, but they can go to church during the week to a class of 20 or less, or a functions like a dinner and just enjoy the event. Take them out shopping or out to a dinner (even if its at a burger joint) get them out of the house and chatting with you.
Another good thing is to have a local young person come in to do chores. You could have kids to do the lawn or light weeding and have your dad be in charge of watching over him. You could have a young teen girl clean the kitchen or bathrooms only and your mom would supervise. Remember to choose those young workers with care, you do not want to have your parent’s things taken or a friend of theirs come to the house to rob them. Always talk to the parents first and find out if they have done chores before and if the parents will oversee their time with your parents.
If there is no one to interact with, you will find seniors pulling away from life and finding comfort in their own silence. Your job is to think of a few ways to shake the comfort up and return your parents to a more mentally and emotionally active life. Visits to the local library is great too, even if they just read the magazines, it will give them a nice outing to think and talk over
Ask them to take a walk together everyday. That may be hard for one or the other, but together they can walk around their neighborhood, over to the mail or around the block. You simply ask each of them privately and tell them the other spouse needs the outing and exercise. They may not do it for their own good, but they will do it for their loved ones good.
If they can do it, add a pet to the home, or have your children come over when you visit to add spice to the mix. Even if they complain the kids are too loud, don’t take notice. Life is too loud, they have to get back in it to remember how busy and loud the real world is for us all.
There are also charities that need help. If your mother does sewing or handiwork of any kind there are charities that need throws and quilts. If she likes to bake - your local Ronald McDonald House (family housing for hospital support) or Fisher House (military family quarters) would love home baked cookies. So would the firemen at the local firehouse. If your dad does chores, ask him to go over and get him hooked into a charity that needs their door’s oiled and the faucet drip fixed. Or if he likes to play chess, cards or pool, the local veterans’ home will enjoy his visiting energy for those that can not leave their rooms. Charity and community service is to be done all of our lives, not stop at retirement.
Just keeping your ear and eyes open. Listening to your heart and knowing when there’s a change. Then respond with a thought of what that change is and how you could use your creativity to make the change for the good not the bad. One step back can be turned around to two steps forward if you trust your inner voice and act on your “psychic” or “intuition” of how to give care to your parents.
Good job on your part and I hope you will visit my website and read about the many tips and ideas I have there. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Remember if your parents need more assisted living needs and have to move out of their home, call me. I have a FREE Senior Placement Service that will help you find just the right match for your seniors needs.
Thank you , francy
How To Take a Break from Senior Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I am simply too tired to face my dad this morning. I am sitting and doing computer stuff trying to ignore the morning things I have to do for him. I feel so down-
Ok, down is just what you need to feel. I remember starting to hate the sound of the door bell - that mother used to call me when she needed me downstairs. It’s a very, very normal way to feel. You give and give and one day, you feel like you have nothing left to give.
Think of ways to break the cycle. How about a week off? Did you know that you can take your elder care parent and put them in a care center for a week of care? Yes, this is just a great service and it needs your time to make a few calls and find a place close by. The money will come from him, some times the insurance or veteran’s plan pays – other times your dad will have to pay through his income. It is just a week and they have special rates.
They will take your dad and give him care all week, he will get out and around others and have a different view of the world. You will take a break and just sleep in, or go away to visit a friend or family member. You can even borrow a weekend beach cabin of a friend.
You can tell everyone you are away and just be quiet and sleep. Or you can go out with friends and reconnect. You can rent movies and do Yoga, or you can go out to eat and shop. A break is a break.
If you are working, you can just go home and be quiet at night instead of all the extra work. If you have children, you can make sure they are busy all that week with visits to friend’s houses or watching movies. If you have a spouse you can go out and spend some time together. What ever you want, you do so you can feel like you went on a cruise, not that you worked around the house or garden to get caught up. That is not on the plans for the week, you need change for your own good, not more work.
If you cannot do the care week with your dad, you can call a relative and ask them to come and visit and give you a break. If I get snowed under with things, I call my husband’s sister to come and visit and she has been very kind about coming up from Oregon and giving him some attention away from me. George has a few friends that come over to visit him and that removes me from the care for a few hours too.
Do not be afraid to ask for help! Everyone understands your tied down with the extra care of a parent that needs lots of attention. But do they need lots of attention? My husband will do what I call, take to his bed. He simply sleeps all day and then I have to make sure he has food and medications. I let him do this for a day, but then I push him to get up and do a chore for me (even though the chores are often not done, it is a reason to get up) and I have him sit in the living room. I ask him to make my tea or make me a peanut butter sandwich. He does and he stays busy and I can get my writing done. Some times you need to be creative with things for the senior to do. Even if they do not cook, making peanut butter sandwiches, or microwave leftovers or set the table or mow the lawn…can give them a feeling of being needed that will increase their Independence from you.
Men tend to push our buttons and need more care than women. So, do not fall for the I can not move, I need a treat moan. Tell them there are brownies on the top of the stove ready for him to cut and you would appreciate one with a glass of milk. Then you have to walk away. He will think it over and soon the lure of brownies will draw him into the kitchen and he will make an effort to care for you.
After all, you’re still his little girl. Don’t forget to act like one every once in a while, so you can keep him active and moving and doing things that help the family as a whole.
Thank you for all you do for your dad – I hope you can think up ideas for vacations of the mind as well as the body. For a day off here, a few hours there and a week of respite for you both. Please visit my website and review more tips for care www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Remember if you need to place your father in a care center I have a free service that will help you find just the right place for him. You can find the information on the website.
Thank you, francy
Senior is Ready for a Move, Yeah!
Dear Francy; Mother just told me she was ready to sell the house and move. She is on such a budget that she wants out. I live out of town and she wants me to do the house move. Now what?
OK, a couple of things to note. Do not say, no…just tell her you need to budget your time. You will give her every other weekend for the next two months and then the house will go up for sale. She has to get her name on a listing for a new home and tell them she will actually be ready to move in 90 days. Yes, the house may not be sold, but she will be tucked in her new place and on her way to her new life. Make the time frame larger if you like, but set a time frame.
Keep these ideas on your list:
* Have her pick out about six pieces of art work for the walls of her new place and the rest goes to he sorting piles. Have her pick out one box of books that she loves, the rest goes to the sorting pile. Have her decide if she really wants to do the hobby she always wanted, has she done anything on the hobby since she retired? If not…off it goes to the sorting pile.
TV-Antenna Change Over For Seniors
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I can not believe I have to pay so much for the box to get the new signals. No coupons are available and my mother is just glued to her game shows! I was thinking of going cable – got ideas?
There are so many ads for cable and Satellite to take care of the new TV signal problem. But really think it over, if your parents are in a place that they can adjust to more channels great. The problem is, they are probably in a rut and they love being there. They have their local shows that they watch in the morning, the talk shows, the news, the game shoes, a late afternoon re-run and then evening news. A special show each evening and the TV gets turned off and they start all over again the next day. The box maybe $40+ but it’s a one time fee.
Cable and Satellite are a monthly fee and your parents may not even watch the huge array of channels that are broadcast. So, talk it over with them, if they like life as it is - keep it simple - go for the converter box.
Now, if they love special movies, history, food channels, or the guys love the military and history channel and etc…then that’s another color all together. Then you know that a simple package with the local cable may be just the ticket to give them even more pleasure during the day.
Ask the cable company if they have special senior packages? If they are offering a year of reduced rates, ask them what they will be the second year? If they are $15 or so a month and then the fees and rental box that would be about $25 per month for the first year. The second year they could jump to $50 and your parents will be so into their new shows they will not want to give it up. So watch that budget!
My mother wanted her local baseball team and that was on cable only, then she loved the food channel and the old cowboy movies. Strange as it may seem, she just loved them. So, I was pleased to do the extended service for her. It was easy for us, I just added another DishTV Box to my billing and that was that.
By the way, if your parents are using a small TV, go shopping in the second hand shops. Since so many people are getting flat screens these days, they have the larger, older model TV’s for just a few dollars at many of the thrift shops. They work great and many are just a year or two old at below $50 a set. It will be just as nice for your folks to have a bigger screen for hardly any investment.
Also, remember if they have a big collection of video movies, keep that video recorder for them. It’s not the time to update them if they love their movie collection!
By the way, perfect gifts often come from the PBS channel in your area. They have terrific DVD’s of programs of all kinds - you can find them on their website. The thrift shop has loads of videos for sale at just a dollar or so a piece. So, shop around and see what would make them happy. Don’t forget to include the local library in your search for video and DVD’s for your parents viewing. They have a terrific collection, you just need to get the items back on time!
Thanks for being so kind over your mother’s viewing and keeping her happy and in the loop. Lots of seniors have still not figured out the airways are going to change in June and they will be so disappointed when it happens. Please do go to my website and visit all the information for giving care at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Tips for Senior’s Care Facility Room
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: The care center has a room for mother that is very small. She will be there long term, now. What should I be taking?
Keep it very simple but very representative of her personality. Just because she’s in a smaller room, does not mean she has changed who she’s been for years.
- Ask the center what can be done with the walls. You will find all sorts of products to hang things now, without leaving a foot print when you want to leave the room. Go to the hardware store and find out what is available and how much weight it holds.
- Make sure each item is carefully picked for memory, family or friend importance and function.
- Just because each room has a bed and chair, does not mean you need to keep that chair in the room. You can add a chair that she has used for TV viewing at home. But, make sure the chair she uses has all the function that is needed. Easy to clean, easy to get in & out of, easy to move around. Do not take up the room area with a big chair. Remember one of her dinning room chairs can be tucked into the room for a visitor.
- Her clothes go into plastic bins. You or a family member keep the clothes bins ready for her. Here is what you do. You sort out underwear, socks, comfort day clothes and sleeping clothes. You make 2-4 plastic bins of these items. You take the first bin to the care center and then hold the others. Every month or two you switch the bins. So she gets a variety of her clothes on a minimum amount of space in her small room closet. You can do a special soak in Oxy Clean to really get her under things clean from the facility. Remove any clothes too stained to use again and re-pack the bin. This way she is in a flow of all of her clothes not just a few items.
- No jewelry of value can go to the care center with her. It will go missing. So, this is the time for her to put notes on her special jewelry and give it away or give it to you to hold until grand children are old enough to enjoy it. She will have her wedding ring on and that should be noted on the inventory for the care facility and a picture taken of it for insurance. But this is also the time for a few fun pieces of jewelry to be put into a zip lock, so if she has friends in, she can put on a big fake ring, or a necklace just for ”girl” fun.
- A small plastic 3-drawer unit that sits on top of the counter can be used by her sink. One drawer will have her tooth paste, floss, neosporin cream, eye drops and aspirin cream. The second drawer will have her lipstick, blush, face powder, tweezers, hearing aid case and extra batteries. Third drawer will have deodorant, talcum powder, small spray fragrance (simple like vanilla) All of this in a small space right by her sink. The drawer by the sink can now be free to hold her hair brush, her false teeth cleaning container and larger items. I like to always use Sonicare tooth brush and keep it plugged-in in a safe place.
- Above her bed is where all the action takes place. Have a white board for you to write messages to staff or visitors. Dietary notes, sleeping pill reminders, 20 minute visits please notes. etc.
- The space that she sees from her bed, directly across from the bed is the space for her bulletin board. Go to the box store and buy a cork board and then you use that to cover with material and ribbons in a crisscross pattern. That way you can put up pictures of the family, or from the grandchildren etc. Now remember to write names on the pictures so the staff can easily say to her. ”Oh, I see this is your husband Dick and that you were married for 48 years! He’s very handsome.” That is the response you want from the staff or visitors.
- Put a large print out of your name and phone number on the phone itself and add #9 or what ever has to be dialed to call out. Tape it to the phone, so she does not have to remember all the numbers. No cell phones can be used at the care facility, they go missing.
- Buy a basket with a handle and put all the things in it she needs on a daily basis. Her lip balm, her nail file, her eyeglass cleaner, her throat lozenges, small hand cleaner, hand lotion, mirror, eye shades, memo pad with pen, small scissors and little pocket calendar. This will be on her small bedside table and can be grabbed by staff and put out of the way in an emergency. Clean it out and re-stock it on each of your visits. Make sure she can reach it and lift it.
- Her eating tray-table drawer will have her eye glasses, her small radio/mp3 player and headphones and small Kleenex.
- If she is into art, bring one piece to hang in the room, if she loves figurines, bring a small shelf to hang and few little things that have little value - to display.
- Large print books and magazines, an easy to use remote control for the TV all make it easier for her to pass the time. Print out a small one page, large print page of 10 most used phone numbers and names and have it laminated with her name on the top.
Too many tips to put in one post…so go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and see more information. If you or anyone you know needs to place a loved one in a care center. Please
visit my site and contact me. I have a FREE Senior Care Placement Service. I started this so everyone can find good care with kindness for their family and friends.
Thank you, francy
New Care-Giving 101 Workbook by Dear Francy
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I just got your new updated Care-Giving 101 Workbook. I downloaded and printed it out and it’s been such a help. Thank you so much. It’s like you reached in my mind and came up with all my own Q& A’s – Great ideas on care and thanks for all of your Dear Francy Tips -
Thank you! I’m excited, I just felt I had to update the first printing with all of the information that has come from our Dear Francy questions.
I wrote the Workbook so any one giving care could go through the sections and find information that would hit their own hot buttons.
I use my own experiences with years of giving care to different people and places and found it fun to share stories with all of you. You will see pictures of family and friends as well as care ideas and workbook questions for you to review.
I have a large section on Alzheimer’s Care Tips and a good section on how to care for the care-giver. Boy is that important. Keeping the care giver strong and well so the senior can receive top notch care is vital!
I know you’ll find a lot of answers to your questions on care. If you are just starting or have been caring for a parent, family member, friend or spouse you will find information that will walk you through the bumps that can pop up.
Please go to my website and click on the Products Page and you’ll find the information on the New Care-Giving 101 Workbook. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
I have done the workbook in a bound spiral workbook you can order by mail. Or if you want it right away you can order the E-Book version in PDF format. You will receive that through your email. All you have to do is decide on the format and then click the Paypal links and it’ll be out to you in no time.
Thanks for all of the nice words so many of you have sent to me…I am excited to have something new to offer all of you. I know you will find it helpful.
Blessings, francy
Say NO to MRSA and the ER!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My Dad is 78 with no major health challenge and yet he was in the ER three times in the last two months. Should I be worried?
YES – ER rooms and hospitals in general are ripe with bacteria and all other infections like staph and MRSA…everyone is exposed. If you walk in the door with a low immune system, infections out of range or exhaustion, you are open to all the bugs that float around the high care area. The goal of a care giver is to lessen the reason to go to the ER or hospital. If your dad is living alone, it’s time to go over to his place and have a talk with him about his health and his home. If he’s with you or in a care center then prevention is the key. You do not want to turn small symptoms into large problems. You have to learn how to put on your care giver antenna and be on a constant look out for small early clues to health problems.
One of our dear, male friends, in his mid fifties - ignored a skin condition and tried to self treat it without a doctor’s visit. It got infected, he then had to go to the ER and was exposed to MRSA. This is what we all have to avoid.
My mother was home from a four day stay in the hospital over a blocked bowel and I was worried about her home care. I asked the doctor for an in-home nurse to help me. You’re allowed the service from Medicare plans. The nurse that came to help us was simply the best. She had been an in-home nurse for years caring for seniors and knew all the tricks of her trade. The amazing thing was she was open to sharing information on care with me. Her twice weekly visits during that month, helped me in giving care to mother for years.
Her secret ? Stay away from the ER at all costs. Yes, major health issues have to be addressed and the ER is there for emergency. But it is not there for back up to ignoring symptoms and not visiting doctors. What she wanted was for me to keep mother on a calm line of care and not experience her health as up and downs – just center line calm.
Some ideas to toss around in your care of anyone, including yourself;
- Nasty as it seems to many new caregivers – older folks have problems with their bowels. So, instead of fighting those problems you learn to deal with them instead. Many side effects of medications like antibiotics can cause constipation or diarrhea. The tip is to discuss a stool softener with your senior’s doctor. This is taken each day to simply soften the stool to make it pass easier. The doctor will suggest the proper amount to be given and this is an over the counter pill that is inexpensive but very helpful. On the other side; the slightest sign of loose stool should be combated with Imodium (Loperamide) pills, designed to stop diarrhea. This has to be done soon so the senior does not get worn down and sick over the condition.
- The best thing to do is what I did – just talk it out. I sat down with mother and said; “Mom I know that your bowels are your business, but I have to know how you feel each day in order to help you keep on a even keel. So, everyday I’m going to ask you if you had a movement and if it was unusual in any way.” We just talked over how important keeping this function was to keeping her out of the hospital and she was willing to work with me. I always moved the conversation with her health into a team concept. Together we can figure this out and fix it. Both of us talked about this team issue and it worked for us.
- Many remember care of young children that repeatedly had ear infections or asthma attacks in the middle of the night. A frightening thing for any parent. Learning from those long nights of waiting in the ER parents soon found ways to avoid it. They would adjust their child’s food intake, add good rest time, immune system boosts and general preventative care . Soon, with those combinations and the doctor’s care ideas the ER room visits went down to a minimum or stopped. Senior care is very similar.
- Boost the immune system. Add a nutritional drink each day for anyone with a high stress situation or advanced years and health issues that might bring down the ability to fight small infections off.
- NOTE: Let the family know that visiting grand parents means everyone is feeling well and not bring germs into their home or room area. I put up a reminder sign on mother’s door, ” If you feel like you have a cold coming on – do not enter!”
- Do online research for extra Vitamin C – E and supplements like the wonderful Emergen-C drinks. Remember to give it to them in the morning so they do not disrupt their night-time sleep.
- Add 100% real- squeezed fruit drinks (individual size) that you can find in the refrigerator section of the market or health food store. Orange juice with pulp (not from concentrate) squeezed fresh – apple juice, carrot juice with celery and some of the anti oxidant drinks like blueberry etc. Buy them and serve them every other day to help build up the senior’s system so they’re able to fight off the bugs.
- Rest is not just naps while watching TV. I had mother start to take formal naps in the afternoon. After about a year of her telling me she never took naps – and yet each time I went into her room she was asleep in her chair. I put my foot down and told her a one hour nap in bed where she could really rest her body - was on the list. She adjusted so well to this she looked forward to her afternoon nap. She was then able to enjoy the rest of her evening and still get a good night’s sleep.
- Consistent food. If your dad is living on his own…is he really eating? They say they are, but are they? Does he still cook, if so what does he cook? Check out his refrigerator for left overs. Do you need to have a meals on wheels type of program in place? If he’s with you or in a care center, is he eating protein or just toast and desserts? Find out and adjust his intake of food to good food that keeps him strong. High in protein and veggies and low in fat and sugar.
- Is he keeping clean? Have you cleaned his home and gotten those germs off the counters and faucet in the kitchen and the bathroom? Is his area around his favorite TV chair clean and not harboring old food stuffs? Get it vacuumed & change the vacuum bag so you are dealing with clean all the way around. Use those pop-up bleach clothes to go over the surfaces that he touches each day.
- Give him hand sanitizer for his chair side table and remind him to use it. Yes, he will hate your pushy behavior…get over it. You’re a team and often one team member has to push the other to make the right actions to keep them well.
- If his resistance to casual flu and colds is really down – ask about how to boost his immune system on his next doctor’s visit. If you do not normally go with him to the doctor, now is the time to start. Tell the doctor you’re concerned and you would appreciate knowing more about flu shots, shingle and pneumonia preventative shots. Take the doctor’s input and then read about it on the net and then you can make an informed decision on which way to go with this. He may have other health issues that are causing the sag in his immune system and the doctor can do tests to make sure the senior’s system is not fighting against him.
- Shingles is a nasty way to find out you are under too much stress and your immune system is out of whack. The age for this condition is getting younger and younger…and no one wants the pain of shingles. Look it up on the net and find out what to look for in symptoms. That way if your father says he has a rash, you need to get on it right away and get him into the doctor. Let your dad know what to look for, so he can be prepared if anything appears different on his body.
- The in-home nurse shared with me weakness in seniors means they develop bad bathroom habits and that can lead to urinary infections. I know, this is another unpleasant thought – but this is reality for all of us as we age. So, remember, if the senior starts to display strange behavior or says things that seem out of character for the senior – take note. This infection often comes on without pain and is not noticed until the infection fills the system and the senior has to be hospitalized. Read about it on the net and understand what to look for so a doctor’s visit can be scheduled instead of a trip to the ER.
I know, there is so much to go over. I have written a good Care-Giving Workbook 101 to address lots of other care issues. You can find it on the Products page of my website. It’s available in spiral workbook style to mail to you or E-book PDF format emailed to you so you can read and print it on your own. I know you’ll find lots of tips in the material I’ve gathered. Please visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on Products.
Thanks for all you are doing for your dad- francy
Spend Your Saint Patrick’s Day with Seniors
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My next door neighbor is in an adult care home and I’m thinking of him. He celebrates his Irish heritage very strongly and I miss his house draped in green lights for St Paddy’s Day. Should I go and visit him when he’s in the last stages of cancer and I’m not a family member?
YES! Go, you will find him so happy to see you - especially when you walk in the door with something fun for St Patrick’s day. My uncle was an Irish nut and celebrated his heritage all year long, but right around the day of green, I would bring him something special in the care center. Never feel like you can not visit a senior. Visiting is for friends and family and very rarely do they close down the room to just a couple of family members.
- Adult Care Homes are really just like a family home. But the rooms are taken up with people that can no longer live on their own or do not want or need the feeling of a large care facility. He will have his own room so just go over and ask to see him. They may limit your stay to 15 or 20 minutes and I think that’s a reasonable time frame for all visits to seniors in care.
- I would look through your pictures and find one with you and he or take a new one of your family, the animals that he knows, you might even go and have everyone sit on his old home’s front steps. Something fun, something easy…it will give him a smile.
- There are door decorations and everything green you can imagine at the Dollar stores right now. But my favorite is the little dolls that play the music and dance. I got one for my Uncle and he put it in his walker and took it out to the dinning area to show the rest of the guys!
- There are foods that you can bring, cookies that have green icing and green health drinks! Just be who you are and go and visit and talk about your life. Do not talk about his cancer or passing unless he brings up the subject. What he wants is an escape from his normal daily routine and you are the perfect escape for him.
- If you are a guy…you can call the Adult Care Home ahead of time and ask if you could bring an O’douls beer to drink with your male senior friend. They have a very small alcohol base and it would be fun to buy a couple green glasses at the Dollar store and do a toast to Ireland.
- If you have some money in your pocket a wonderful gift is the “Over Ireland” DVD, or video that you can buy from PBS, you may be able to check it out of a library or find it cheaper - used on eBay. This is a fabulous fly over of Ireland and he would be thrilled to watch it often. Most Adult Care Homes have a main TV room with DVD and movie night, so the players will be available for your use.
- The next thing is the music. There are loads of CD and cassettes that have Irish music and that would be a fun way to leave him smiling.
- If your senior is in a larger facility then just make sure you call about the video/DVD player and the music player, you may have to pick up a cheap CD player and leave it for his use. Remember any time you do that, look at the thrift shops they often have older players available and the headphones are at the Dollar store.
- If it’s a lady, senior, you’re visiting they would love a shamrock plant. (I have one in my kitchen window all year long and we call the plant itself Uncle Bill, in honor of my uncle that was so proud to have been Irish.)
- There are loads of green throws that would also do as a nice little gift, they make so many in fleece these days that are inexpensive and would brighten their days.
Most of all…it is just the fact that you tell him – I miss your green lights…so he knows that he has made memories of his life as he faces his own passing. It is a good thing to do for people.
A friend of my husband who used to work for him, called him the other day. She had heard he had dementia and she wanted to tell him she cared. She had been in the travel business with him and had stayed in long after we had left the field. She was facing the end of her travel career in the next few months and she was thinking of my Georgie. She called and was very kind to remind him that he had taught her all she knew about travel and it had given her thirty plus years of income, travel, friends and a wonderful career. She wanted him to know she appreciated all the things he did for her. That was very kind of her, she is a kind person, but she may not realize how much my husband needed those words. He is facing so many challenges with his Alzheimer’s and feels he’s getting so dumb and forgetful. – We all are trying to remind him of the many good things he accomplished in his life. So if your senior had dementia, remind them of good things in the past that is what they will remember – the past.
I appreciate your kindness towards your neigbhor and how happy he will be to see your smile. Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and enjoy the rest of the information I have there for care givers. I would appreciate you remembering if you or a friend of yours has a senior that is in need of a placement into a residency or care facility- please think of me. I try very hard to review the seniors needs and find a place that’s a good fit.
Thank you and happy St Patty’s Day – f
Supplements are Duct Tape for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My mother is getting so weak that she does not even want to sit out with us and have dinner at the table. Should I push her to interact socially or should I just let her rest in her room and deliver the food?
BOTH – there will be days that seniors are weakened from a doctor’s visit or a cold and they should just take it easy. Your line in the sand is that your mother is there to live with the family, not get total careby the family. So she has to participate in the daily events of the home just like all the rest of you. But what the key is to your message “getting so weak” that is not a good sign. So, that takes you to make a change.
Weakness comes from inaction as well as health problems. Let’s review some ideas to get her up and out of her room again.
- Exercise is a must for anyone, especially an aging senior with health challenges. You’ll have to take over this routine for a while. I like to start with the “Sit and be Fit” TV show on your local PBS station, or you can get the video/DVD’s from the library, too. They are very simple exercises that you do from a chair. Tell your mom she is required to do the exercises if she wants to continue in your home. You are unable to move her around and so her mobility is a must. Do the first couple of days with her and she will be off and running. You may have to get the show on the TV but she will take it from there.
- Get her to walk the hall and around the house each time she goes to the bathroom. No walking across the hall and her thinking she has exercised. They do this at the care center, too. Go to the bathroom, drink a small glass of water and take a walk…over and over again. Then her legs and arms start to work again.
- Breathing too heavy. Then tell the doctor on the next visit and tell him she is low in energy and seems out of breath. He will put her on a breathing machine to exercise her lungs and give her some meds to make her breathing richer. Or, he will check for her oxygen level and see if she needs to use it a couple times a day. Breathing is a big deal. If doctor says her breathing needs some work, then go to the library again and get a meditation and breathing tape and have the research librarian help you. This will teach your mother to do a series of deep breathing exercises to re-oxygenate her brain and keep her calm at the same time.
- Weakness can also be in her diet. If she’s eating less she gets less minerals and supplements. Many seniors now take Vit D as a supplement along with a good female, senior supplement. Do a little research on the net and see what’s happening there. Google in “weakness in seniors” and see what comes up. Now the rule; when you work with the Internet you read and read and then buy at your local health food store or box store, not on the Internet. You do not want to fall for web based ads for over-night cures. Supplements are made by lots of companies and the major stores know which company is good to buy from - not the web. But the information you gain from study on the web is really valuable. Lots of seniors are being held together with their supplements just like duct tape. They make a huge difference in their overall health, energy and ability to fight off those nasty bugs.
- Taking a supplement drink. There are a few different ones out there like Boost that are in flavors. Try a few and get one she likes. The yogurt ads that tout intestinal care, should be ignored. Our nurse told us any yogurt helps your body and should be a good afternoon snack - especially when taking pills. But the fancy yogurts and yogurt shakes are very expensive and do very little for the money invested. Same goes with the newer vitamin and supplement juice drinks. They rarely have all the daily needs for the senior and they are expensive and often filled with sugar. Once again, a trip to your local health food store and use the knowledge of those that read and study nutritional supplements.
- Emotional problems can weaken anyone. Take note that feeling down and feeling weak are similar. So, make sure you keep a running conversation with your senior to find out of things are bothering them. Maybe the kids are making them tired and they do not want to mention it. You can adjust that, you can have times that are just you and the senior, without the kids. Or the kids can be on a once a day visit grandma’s room, not an open door policy.
- Remember in general, if there’s activity problems with the chemistry in the brain, depression or anxiousness can be a side effect. The doctor has so many meds to help these conditions that you need only to explain the situation and they will help you with an Rx that fits the bill. Mother had a depression and anger issue, I told the doctor and he gave her a med that worked like a charm. It did not make her tired or weird, just calmed her down and allowed her normal personality to come out again.
- Out of the house. Lots of seniors start to get house bound. Some times it’s too much to take them out, some times they are too tired to go out. So, you have to do a once a week we are out of hereroutine. If its just picking up the kids at school. How about if they sit in the car while you shop and then join you for lunch at a small cafe. Maybe it is one of those run to the bank, get gas, run to the cleaners, run to the post office days – seniors can sit and enjoy your energy and feel the sunshine on their face and the cold in their bones. Life needs to stay real, not get so protected that they start to retreat. The reward is a small fry at McDonalds or a dipped cone at Dairy Queen…the little fun times will enhance their life and become part of what they discuss at the dinner table.
- Laugh…seniors need to feel. They need belly laughs and sad times, they need to hear the news on TV and feel the late night comedy routines. They need to watch the grandkids play and watch the ducks in the pound, they need to be a part of life.
Care givers have to be creative. They do not have to be nurses, those care chores will be needed and learned along the way. But the creativity to handle the everyday bumps - that’s something that will make all the difference in a care situation. Good mother’s know the importance of re-directing energy in young children and good care givers do the same thing with their seniors. There is no perfection expected, just love and kindness.
Thanks to you and your family for opening your home up to your mother. Please go to my website and enjoy more care tips www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and take a look at our new radio talk show about senior issues.
Thanks, francy
Mom, Wife, Daughter, Friend Burn Out!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I have a teen with CP and a husband with early Alzheimer’s. I wish I could say that I’m giving them all I have, but lately, I’m angry at the way my life is today and I cannot get out of this hole.
Good because trying to be a goodie two shoes in the middle of chaos is pointless. Being tired is one thing, being pulled in fifteen directions at once is another. There are days when you think that going to the bathroom is selfish and days when trying to get out of bed is almost impossible. If you are exhausted, you have to face it and get help, if you have even mild depression that has carried on for more than a couple of weeks, you need help. Let’s talk about some tips for you, the care giver.
- Depression does not mean you have to be all teary eyed and thinking down, down, down. It can mean you are anxious, get upset easily, are disorganized, feel inadequate, short tempered, use your nasty voice too many times a day, get headaches or muscle aches, or need a nap, just to carry on a conversation. Maybe you have not talked to a friend in weeks, dress down on a daily basis, do not do your hair or lipstick or nails. Do you get the picture, are you in there somewhere?
- Before you go to the doctor, write down some of your feelings so you’re able to verbalize at the appointment. Let the doctor know how you are feeling - overwhelmed and need a little help of something light that can give you a lift from stress. This is what he does, he will come up with a med for you to try. I say try, because if it does not work, go back and get another one, there are lots of options. Work with your doctor to find the right one. Also ask him to make it a generic so it is not to expensive for you to take.
- If you need no meds then just make sure you are not doing the old - glass of wine with dinner and one before bed routine. Or the slight use of weed here or there. That is called self-medication and you have to know that it is NOT OK to do to yourself when you are under so much pressure. Go to the doctor and get some meds if you’re in need of relief and stay away from any drinking or drugs that are not prescribed. You need to be well for your own body and your family.
- If you need rest desperatly that means a minimum of two days of doing nothing. It will take at least that long for your body to rest and get your mind back into a state of quiet. So, you have to schedule someone to come into your home and be there for the family, or go to a friend or family member for a long weekend and ask for a room alone to sleep. I know that many times these actions alone seem too much, but you have to force yourself to be well. You need to be the center of strength in order for the wheel to work. So, take time to plan your rest time in the next week and get it done. Then we will go from there.
- Resting is hard to do. The rule is five full hours of sleep heals and regenerates your body and mind. If you get less, you need to nap during the day or evening. If you can not sleep, you can talk to the doctor and get pills to make that happen. But you can not take pills if you need to be on the alert of your husband doing odd things at night. To relieve that worry, get door alarms for the house, they can be very inexpensive and you put them on the top of the door and set them at night and they buzz if he opens your bedroom door or the outside doors. Then you can relax and know you will be alerted and you explain it to your family so they understand to respond to that noise not just ignore it.
- If you work. Then come home from work and start dinner and then while it is cooking you take a nap. You set your alarm for 20-30 minutes and you go into your room and nap and the alarm should be by your side. Now this means you use the slow cooker or the microwave or oven. You can not leave food cooking on top of the stove. But this is a great way to refresh. You may feel groggy after the nap, but that fades fast and you get a resurgence in energy for the rest of your night.
- Before you go to bed each night do a house check and pick up. If your kids are older, they do the same thing. Check the door locks and set the door alarms. Pick up the kitchen and living room area and turn off all the lights. That way when you’re ready for sleep you have a cleaned home around you to rest your mind.
- Twice a week is laundry time. You do wash for you and your husband at the beginning of the week and the family and kitchen at the end of the week. The kids do the folding for their laundry and I would have them do it in the kitchen after dinner. They take turns folding for all of the family laundry and then they distribute it. You then only have your wash to fold and it makes a difference when you share chores.
- Put up a wall calendar in the kitchen and have all the things that are going on -on that calendar. I have one that’s dry erase for three months at a time. I have my husbands Dr. appointments and my dates and the family dates. Each day I ask my husband to read the day and tell me what is happening for today and tomorrow. That way we are both in the loop. Now, many times he forgets the events right after he reads them because he has Alzheimer’s just like your husband. But we are both on the same day and that counts for me. If the day is going to be nuts, I make sure I have a slow cooker going. If the day is going to be over the top, that is the stop by and get burgers day. The rest of the time I plan my dinner and know how much time it will take. Eating well is hard to do when you are tired, but it has to be on the top of your list for all of your family’s health to stay strong.
- Once a week, I do my meds for my husband. I have a great 2tdy/7dy med dispenser and I do it up and have it all behind me each week. If your son takes meds he will have his, too. I have mine with supplements that keep me going. Get one and use it – it will help relieve that pressure of med taking.
- Drop off your husband and your son at some sort of exercise or enjoyment place for one afternoon or morning a week. Your husband can go to the gym and do some walking or to a center that has cards and enjoy being with the guys. If he has friends to play poker, great they often understand his memory is bad but they love him enough to make him a part of their life. Or he can play pool, bowl or do golf. This is where you need to ask his family and friends to help you. You and he need a break. Be strong about this, it means your health! Your son can take a class in karate, art, or swimming…think of things they can do to leave you alone. Then do something for yourself in the time frame!
- Time, you can spend time running around or make a plan and give yourself more YOU time. A plan means you drive around and get all the chores done in one day, not do them each day. It means that you have your husband walk around the grocery store after dinner one night when the store is quiet and you can think and he can push the cart! When you force yourself to look at a day planner before you go to bed at night, your life will be on a more even keel than just facing each day with all the bumps and no caution signs!
- Buy yourself some new clothes for around the house. You need to wear clothes that are comfortable and yet stylish. You do not need to gain 50 pounds in sweats. You need to feel fresh and clean and comfortable, but stylish. Never go out of your morning bathroom without lipstick, it is mental and emotional must. It just says; “I am alive and ready for today!”
- One more tip—-I have so many more. Get a support group, or a hobby group online. You will have such a kick to get all your gal pals on Facebook and just write a little note to them each day. You will see that they’ll do the same and once a day you get to read their lives unfold. No it will not be as fancy as the teens that spend their life online in social sites. But it will be a way for you to reach out and express your good or bad day or tell a joke on yourself or just read about your buds and get a laugh. No long telephone call, no lunch out, but little daily lines of life…can make a huge difference in your inner peace.
I know you’re in the middle of a nasty time. And I’m there with you. I think often that I will get in the car, all on my own, and just drive. I never have figured out where I would drive, but I just know I could just step on the gas and go, go, go. But I don’t; I pick myself up and go at it again. That’s what pioneer women did and we are daughters of those women and in our own ways fighting family health challenges is still in it’s pioneer days.
Blessings on you for all you do- would you go and visit my web site for other ideas and tips for care givers – www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Mom and Dad are a Mess!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parents live on their own in their home of 35 yrs. They have now succeeded in making that home a haven for every newspaper printed in the last five years, mail, books, everything in and around the house. They live amount stacks of boxes and stuff. It’s a mess and every time I try to clean it up they have a fit. What can I do?
CLEAN. You know there comes a time in life when someone makes a decision to be child-like in their thinking. If they do that, they have opened the door to be treated like a child, with love and consistent attention. I don’t think I have to remind you, of your own childhood days of bedrooms so messy you could not walk without stepping on clothes. Your mother would tell you to clean or not to come out until you did…remember that part? Well, the shoe is now offically on the other foot and you get to do the same to your parents.
Do not waste your time telling me your parents resent your obvious cleaning frenzy. I understand that part, they want to live in peace in their own home- it is their home and you are just their daughter. When did you get so bossy and they have even called you on your arrival back home to tell you what a nasty overbearing girl you are and they are re-thinking their will. – Sound familiar?
Well, if they are living in a home with so much junk that it causes a fire, health and bodily harm hazard – they better re-think their will, they will be needed it sooner than they think. So put that talk away, put their threats away and get over there with a shovel and get the place cleaned out. But before you do so, let’s talk about what it is really saying about them:
- When you are feeling tired and unable to jump up and return a coffee cup to the kitchen to be cleaned or pick up the newspapers after you have read them – what does that say? Do they have a heart problem that is slowing them down? Do they get dizzy if they move from the sitting position to the standing position or bending over? Could the dizziness be a side effect of a medication?
- If the mess has become a hazard in all the rooms, does it say that they have stopped thinking about clean? If that is so, do they bath regularly or wash their hands during the day or when they prepare food?
- If the room is so overwhelming that they sleep on a messy couch or in a Lazy-boy chair instead of in their own bed – is that because their bed is piled high with clothes that need to be cleaned, or are clean and not put away? Does that not tell you that things have started to get out of gear in their interaction with each others care?
- Do they think that people coming in to their home are guests and should be quiet about garbage dropped here and there? Because they have the right to be messy in their own home? Does this say that they are not thinking properly about their home ownership, should you check to see if they are paying their bills – or just letting the world go by without attention?
- Could the laziness of cleaning and caring for their own selves be related to depression or other medical reasons?
It is so easy to just think a good clean will change things. But if they have become hoarders and feel safer when they have things surrounding them, there is a problem. If they feel that one is one but a dozen shows that they can afford things and have things that others would like to have and that makes them better than other people out in the world. Or it may make them feel they are not getting older and losing power. Do all of those stacks of things bring them a feeling of safety? No one can take safety away if they have their stacks of stuff! They have issues.
It may be one or both of them. One may have started to hoard or stack things and the other allowed it out of love and fear of angering a person they love. And soon the other submits to the hoarding or inactivity in cleaning. It becomes a way of life that they joke about and think is really no one else’s business but their own.
WRONG. Hazards are hazards. A fire is a fire, a health issues of rodents and bugs infesting a home is not a joke. The idea that any open wound no matter how small could get infected when there is dirty kitchen counters where meats have been prepared and old food from dirty dishes builds up without cleaning is nasty. That is not a joke, nor does it say…I can do this because I own this house. Well guess what? They do not get that luxury. They can cause a fire to their own home and a neighbors, the repair men could trip on the things on the floor and they would have hurt someone else and gotten a law suit to boot. The rodents and bugs go from their house to the neighbors. The smallest infection, cold, flu etc. could be deadly with germs on every table, phone receiver, or faucet handle around. Dirt and germs, old newspapers and things thrown around are a danger. If your parents are unwilling to change those things than you have a job to do.
First, you tell their doctor. If you go to the doctor with them, go and tell him in person. If you do not - then write it down on paper in a letter and fax it. On the top of the letter, “ask it to be noted into their chart”. that is like telling a doctor that abuse is taking place, he has to respond to this information. Tell the doctor what is going on and better still take a couple of pictures with your cell phone so he can see what is happening. He might be able to diagnose depression and with a simple change of medication and it could remove all the stress they are under and make this problem something simple to solve. But he will have to take note and mention it during their next appointment. There is something about a doctor telling a senior person to do something. Not their daughter, but a doctor and it goes in and is acted on easier.
If not - you go to other family members and tell them you want to talk to your parents and help them clean up their home. You feel it is a sign of them losing their Independence and you may have to take legal action to have a judge determine their mental health.
If you have brothers and sisters, it will take a family intervention to talk to your parents and tell them if they want to live on their own. They will have to not only clean up the mess (which you will help them with) but they will have to have someone come in at least twice a month to keep the house clean.
There is no love lost when older people start to have problems that manifest into a home filled with things of no value that are being kept in strange ways. That is a sign of something. It is not to be ignored anymore than a sign of diabetes or cancer is to be ignored. They may have dementia, depression, leg pain, back pain, dizziness, breathing problems, which may signal Alzheimer’s or heart problems or some other real condition that could be treated.
The whole world acts odd when they age. This is gone beyond odd. This is dangerous and you have to face up to it and get it taken care of for their own good. Now, if they threaten you with financial rebuff and take you out of their will. So be it. Or would you rather stay in that will and find out they were both suffering for years with a condition that could have been treated?
Cleaning up the house is the easy part. But to clean it up and think it will stay that way is foolish. There are reasons behind the clutter - emotional, physical, mental. You have to find those reasons out and then get those issues into the light of day with a doctor, counselor or family members and then clean out the house.
I am sorry that caring for your parents can be so uncomfortable, but life is rarely a breeze through. If this is what you are faced it, do not ignore it, it will only get worse. It is your turn to start to make decisions that can help both of them find ways to handle this behavior. It might be as easy as a doctor’s appointment or a family counseling session. But it has to be taken care of right away.
Thank you for your keen eye and willingness to face your parents for their own best intersts. It’s not an easy thing to do, would you please go and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on the products section and look over the Care-Givers Workbook 101, I think you will find it has so much more information that can help you through these situations in the future.
Thanks, francy
Aggression in Seniors – How to Cope
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My mother is abusing my dad. She has Alzheimer’s and she is getting so difficult that my father is showing bruises and will not speak on the subject. I am so worried-
You should be, this is a very sad and nasty side to many conditions that happen when seniors age. Strokes, dementia, emotional problems – they can all cause a senior to go into a state of frustration and this frustration simply builds into acting out. The acting out can be breaking dishes, cutting up clothes in closets, brandishing a knife, pounding the wall or floor with hands or head, throwing things, yelling without control, slapping to hitting or throwing objects at people, and the list goes on.
It is such a shocking thing to have someone you have loved and lived with for years, suddenly act out in a matter that is really combative and shows all of their pent up aggressions. What can the spouse or family do?
- First you do not ignore the incident. You do not give them an excuse for hurting someone. You take note and get help. Your father has to get help or he or she will wind up really harmed by this behavior.
- A doctor needs to be consulted. You can call your primary physician and ask who he recommends for this issue. If they are working with a neurologist or physiologist – call them and get an appointment.
- The doctor will review the medications that are being used on the patient to see if any of them are causing outbreaks. They will either change the medications or add a medication that could help the person keep in a calm state. Now, I can hear you saying we do not want our mother drugged down. But remember, this is not a joke, people can and will get hurt if this continues on and the doctor will review all the information and prescribe with his best knowledge on the subject. So make sure you are sincere with the information given to him, do not exaggerate or diminish the incidents, be open and honest.
- Emotionally, this can be a sign of different disorders and once again, they can be controlled with medications. But, the patient has to take the medications to make them work. You as a family have to decide how to make sure they do take their daily meds. I know many seniors that hide pills and then flush them. That is so unfair to the care givers, but it happens especially when a senior is not in their right state of mind. So, make note, that if you see behaviour that is not right and they are suppose to be on medications, double check the actual swallowing of the medication with the patient.
- In most states non-relatedcare givers cannot place a pill or medication on(or in the mouth of) the patient. They can hand it to them, but not force them to take it. That rule is usually not in place for a family member. You can check with your doctor he would know the legal rules. You have to be very careful with your care giving because even though the patient is expressing aggression, they are protected from anyone else harming them. So know the rules and stick to them.
- Once again, emotions are often out of whack after a stroke, during Alzheimer’s advanced state and with people who have emotional problems like bi polar mania, etc. So you have to know what is happening and make sure it has a diagnosis so you understand the issue with the senior patient. Then you have to set rules for all the family and care givers on what can be done to dissipate an aggressive outbreak.
- If you can not seem to get this under control, then it is simply time to remove the senior from the residence or the retirement facility and get them into a speciality care center. When you do this, they have a full staff that handles this type of problem on a continual basis and they know how to keep the medications in perfect sync and how to talk, interact and control the patient from harming their own body as well as others.
- Trying to pretend that nothing is wrong is not just harmful to your dad…but your mother. She can go off the end and actually hurt your dad or take her own life and then where would your family be? This is a problem that is sad, embarrassing and no one wants to talk about. But you have to talk about it. You have to say, I can not handle this problem. It has become to big for me. I need help.
One of the main issues of being a care giver…is to give care. Care is not ignoring a problem. It’s bringing out the problem and finding answers for it. There are many trained professionals ready to help you with ideas of how to stem the frustration, medicate the person to be calmer, and make sure they are under a routine that promotes calm. Like rest, naps, good and timely nutrition, proper medication given on the dot each day and exercise that takes away the build up of negative energy.
Try to think of a young child that has not gone out in the back yard or recess to play…remember how difficult they can get? Think of a dog that that has not been exercised and how their aggression can cause them to chew on furniture or urinate in the house. This of yourself when you have gone to long without food or a good rest, your energy is low and you have a short fuse, too. Those are keys to why exercise as well as a full care schedule is also important for the senior with aggression problems. Once again, unless you’re there with her 24/7 you can not insure that your mother is getting all of these steps to keep her in a state of calm. That’s why a facility or speciality care can give her help.
It is amazing how any size of person at any age can be overwhelming to their care giver if there is high frustrated energy coming at you. Danger is not part of the care giving process. Remove it. Seek help from doctors, counselors and professionals. Then the care giver can do what they do best, they can relax and just give care. They can go to the care facility and give that extra care that makes quality so high. They can know that they can sleep without interruption or worry. They can remove the guilt and embarrassment of the situation and make it a challenge that the medical and family can rally around and solve.
I am very sorry, your Dad and you are going through this problem. How sad for all of you and your mother has to face such issues in her later years. But I know you can work through this with your dad. Just be the person that insists on talking – and maybe even show him this letter…so he knows we all appreciate his love, but he has to take steps that are bigger than his own giving care.
Please go to my website and get more information on this and many other care support and senior issues www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. On the site under Products you will find my Care-Givers Workbook 101 is filled with helpful step by step procedures that can help anyone that is giving care to another. As a spouse of an Alzheimer’s patient, I understand that sadness and feeling of loneliness that creep into your life as you try so hard to deal with the daily challenges of this disease – keep strong.
Please go and enjoy the rest of the Alzheimer blogs on my Dear Francy blogs and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comto get more information. Don’t forget, when you get to the stage that you need care facility help for your loved one, please contact me and let me help you through that process with our Loving Memories – Senior Care Facility Placement Service that is FREE for you to use.
Thank you, francy
Visiting the Alzheimer’s Parent-Reluctantly!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mother just called and she has been visiting my dad, daily in his new Alzheimer’s care place. She needs a day off and wants me to go over. I know I’m suppose to want to help her and attend to him, but I do not want to go. How can I tell her I am not going?
You Don’t! You re-focus your thoughts about the situation and you come to your mother’s aid. Now, do not think I do not understand your feelings. I have a husband with Alzheimer’s and I have many a day that I just want to go out the door, get in the car and drive as far away as I can drive. But I am his wife of 27 years and he deserves to be cared for so I re-focus my mind and move through those sad and helpless feelings.
Your mother is really your concern now. Your father is in a care facility and they will care for him. But your mother is suffering from a loss of her husband that will feel like he has died, but he is still there in front of her and she has to still be concerned with his well being. The loss one feels, as a spouse of a person with dementia, comes on in different degrees from the first signs and certainly the formal diagnosis. You feel like the person you married has changed. Then you feel like you have to help them, but it soon becomes clear that you can not make them well. Women make people they love well – like their children over colds and broken legs and husbands over the flu. But dementia/Alzheimer’s does not have a cure, it has a progressive change of behavior and memory loss. Your mom would find that little things effect your dad in strange ways, he may be short tempered or confused over things he did well all his life. She would start to slowly take on his chores and tasks in their home life. Then the money responsibilities, then the main repair responsibilities, then the decisions made for family events, where to go to dinner and if to take a family holiday. Then there are dietary changes, more medications, more doctor appointments and more intensive care and overseeing her husband. Slowly she is the one with all the power in the home and your father would feel that change and fight against it. She would find her feelings hurt one minute and guilt over her feelings the next. She would feel the small intimacy’s leaving their relationship and the little jokes between them would be forgotten. Their favorite music, movies and friends then leave his mind and she is left alone. All alone- but still standing next to her husband. The feelings of loss begin in small steps and then escalate into sorrow and grief. Now, she’s made a decision to place him in a place away from their home. She is absorbed in worry over her decision and she goes home to a house that is totally empty. The worry does not stop. She may have to sell the house for his care, or go through their retirement money that she would need for her own care. She has been going to the center to see him each day for one reason. She does not want him to forget her. Then all of a sudden, she’s exhausted and has to rest and yet she needs someone to check on him in these early days. She turns to her daughter and that is YOU. No matter how you personally feel and I know you have all of your own reactions to his condition and what has happened the last few years – you are her only hope of rest. So, you need to re-focus on her for now and just walk through a few things with me.
- Call your mother and tell her you will go over and see your dad for the next two days, not just today. Tonight you will bring her dinner and a bottle of wine for you both to share. You’ll be there by six and she can rest and have an early dinner and then sleep. Do not take no for any answers, you need to start to be assertive with your mother now, she needs your care.
- You will make up your mind that this is a duty, I know you have love for your parents, but this is a moral duty. I know you understand those things and you will make it through with my help.
- You will shower and get nice and clean with no fragrance and then dress in a down manner of everyday clothes without bright colors or patterns. Colors and patterns are hard for your father to process with his mind and his senses may be put in a spin with a fragrance.
- You will stop by a good bakery and get one of those large cookies, or a package of ding dongs or something special to take with you. Sugar treats are good for men anytime.
- You will also get yourself a small spiral notebook and stick it in your purse with a pen. When you are done with your visit you will write down the date and time and then make a note of anything that upset you. Only one upset allowed per visit. Then you write down one thing you personally feel went well. This is your journal to help you through this process. Tuck it in your bag or the car for use after each visit.
- Then you will go and find one of your favorite pictures with you as a young girl. With or without your parents in the pic and then you will take it to the drug store and blow it up to a large size and print it off. You will pick up a package of those thumb tacks and then print your name and “daughter” on the bottom. Or Emily with Dad or some such thing. So anyone entering the room and not knowing your family will understand who you are in the picture.
- You will then drive over to the care center and as you enter the door you will look up at the clock and take note of the time. Because you will be there only 20 minutes. No less, no more.
- You will smile at the staff and ask to be directed to your Dad’s room and then you will take a deep breath and walk in with a smile. You will ask the nurse to turn down the TV, NOT OFF -just down so his attention is at you not trying to focus in all directions. You will say; “Dad you are looking great, it’s Emily, your daughter and I have a cookie for you.” You hand him the cookie.
- You do not look to see if he sees you as his daughter and knows your name. You just smile a loving smile at the man that is your Dad.
- You resist asking him how he is. You’re there to talk and you do the talking. You start with a slow and informed pattern of speech. You talk to him as though he is able to understand you. DO NOT talk to him as a child, even if you think he does not understand. Your job is to have a one sided conversation with him.
- Show him the photo. Say,”Dad, I brought you my favorite photo from when I was little. When you see this remember I love you.” Then go over to the wall opposite his bed and thumb tack it up. Get yourself situated in a chair or somewhere comfortable and then begin in a good tone so he can hear you. Talk to his head and as he moves around, just ignore the moving, keep your rhythm up and just talk.
- Now, you talk as you would any friend you have not seen in a couple of weeks. Tell him how you are, your house, the kids and your husband, or friends. Let him know about your job and what is happening there. Each time you talk, you re-introduce the details to him. “Joey and Mary, your grand kids are doing so well. You remember how Joey loves to swim - well he is doing so well, he just won an award. I guess he gets that from you and all your time golfing.” take little breaks and keep your voice calm and pleasant. “Work is good, you know how I work as a bookkeeper for the insurance company and I have had a lot of extra things to do. My boss has taken another job and the office has been very busy. I know you understand since you were always busy with your work, too!” That sort of thing. When you run out of things to say. You just smile and sit and just relax. This is not a performance, it’s just another way of talking to someone that cares about you, but their mind is so confused that they find it hard to put their thoughts together. You see what you do after a few minutes is relax him, he hears and remembers your voice tones and he may fight to make the connection of who you are and what you are telling him – but it all goes in his mind. It may come out in clarity after you have left, or never. But he will know he likes your voice and he likes that you are there. It just takes his mind so long to process that his reaction is not in normal time mode.
- You inspire him to an upbeat mode. You make sure you stay in control and you just talk. “I worked in the garden today, the sun was so warm on my face, it felt good.” That is that, make it an easy way to talk.
- If he asks you something you answer, if it’s a subject you do not want to talk about, move your answer to another thought pattern. “Oh, dad my car is working well. I drove over here just fine. I was worried about the brakes last week, but they seem fine now.” Keep the words simple and easy for you and easy for him.
- When the 20- minutes is up. You stand and say goodbye. It is good to try to touch him, either in a hug or just pat his hand or shoulder. Smile and tell him you will be here tomorrow and then turn and leave. That is that. Nothing big, nothing hard, nothing sad, just a visit.
- On your way out, you stop by the nursing desk and you thank them for caring for your father. You tell them you will be here each week when your mother takes a break and give them your home phone for an alternate number in case of emergency.
- Now, when you return you can bring your computer, or bills to pay, or needlework to do - if your dad is really quiet. Just sitting there and talking a little and then doing something simple in front of him will bring his mind to place of quiet and ease. If he is having a hard time that day, let the nurses care for him and you just sit and relax. It may be a warm day and walk around their exercise area would be good, too. Always take a deep breath and keep working on your project or the task at hand and let him “feel” your peace.
Then you leave and go to your mother. She has to be cared for during her time of grief and this is grief. She has lost your dad. Even though he is still alive, he is gone to her and she is all alone. You need to understand this and let her friends and family understand it too. She may need some dinners for a few weeks, she may need some lunches with friends. Things to keep her mind filled as she works through the different things she is facing. If she needs you to go to her doctor, or bank, or lawyer, or her minister…offer to be there. You will make it through this together.
I am very sorry, this has happened to your family. I’m sorry it has happened to me. You and I both have to remember; this is a progressive condition we cannot fix it, but we can support the process. And in the process we have to ask others to help us, too. You have to tell your children, husband, and friends that you are going through a nasty time and you would appreciate their love and kindness. You have eat well, sleep well and stay strong for your mother. You will have to have an eye open for her health now. The key issue is none of us need to lose our health over the care of our loved ones. So, it takes work and together is how we can cope and get through to the other side of this time with your dad.
I know you are strong enough to do this. I know your mother will make it through this time, too. But I hope you will go to my website and read some of my tips for dementia and Alzheimer’s care www.seniorcarewithspirit.com . Thank you for understanding love is sometimes duty – and we all face it at certain times in our lives. It’s just a matter of time and then life will renew itself.
Please go and enjoy the rest of the Alzheimer blogs on my Dear Francy blogs and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comto get more information. Don’t forget, when you get to the stage that you need care facility help for your loved one, please contact me and let me help you through that process with our Loving Memories – Senior Care Facility Placement Service that is FREE for you to use.
Thank you, francy
WHAT do I do with Mother’s Stuff?
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My mother has lived with me for four years and now she is moving into a care center. I have paid over $200 month to keep her things in storage for her and now, I know she will never be on her own again, what do I do?
Well, it is not the best time to attack the storage unit with her new change of pace into a care center. Wait until she is settled first and then you can decide what to do. But something does have to happen, there is no purpose to keep things in a storage unit that could be given a new life out and about. Here are some ideas that I have used.
Storage Unit or Family Home you are going to be the referee for this process, so take off your daughter hat and put on a neutral hat and be kind to all involved.
- First, you want to take an inventory (photo inventory). This is not a fun thing to do, but it has to be done. So plan for a weekend and get a gal pal to help or your teen and above children. You take your trusty digital camera and have it all charged up and ready for loads of pictures. Have a few boxes in your car and a permanent marker at hand. You will need a box cutter and then more of the packing tape to re-tape the boxes.
- Now I have a sorting tool called, I just know what is not going to go to anyone I know - family or otherwise. That knowing means that I have a few large trash bags at the ready and they are going to be your dump bags.
- Then there will be the bags that will be give away to charity bags & boxes.
- Then you will have a few boxes for family.
- I put the family boxes out and put names on them. I included the boys, too. Because some day they will have wives and a household.
- Line up all the boxes of what I will call your mother’s grand children, grand nieces, great grand children. Then put the boxes out that have your mother’s children’s names and you just start to sort. Then put one box aside for Family& Friends.
- I would think you would know enough of each of their tastes if they have homes and how they dress to know if they would like a vintage dress or coat. Maybe a handbag or evening bag, gloves and even a pair of very unused shoes. All the rest of that sort of thing goes to the give away pile. Your mother has all she needs to wear at this time, so you do not have to worry over older clothes. Do go through pockets, inside purses and such things - valuables do get left behind and you do not want to send them to the charity without a check.
- China and special things. Here you have a duty to share the wealth with the family. The best pieces go to the nearest in her heart. But do not bother giving china to people who do not cook or entertain. It’s best to give china to someone that does the family dinners. The rest of the things. The side dishes, the older generation dishes you need to divide up among the siblings. The little things like wine glasses, tea cups, salt and peppers, sugar, creamers they go into the grand and great grand children boxes. Just take turns and know you are spreading the memories around.
- Gifts; most of us know the different gifts that were given to our parents through the years. If you sister gave something to your mom, put that item into her box. If your dad gave something to your mom share those with all of you.
- The special memories need a box. There will be lots of photos that can be gone through at another time. Put those into a large plastic bin. Old photos, pictures of your older grand parents, wedding certificates, hand written recipes, old family books and such – those go into the plastic bins. No worry over sorting, you can do that at another time. They will go to a person that enjoys older memories, there is always someone in the family that loves the stories and keeps the photos. Now days a simple computer program means it can all be scanned and then given a copy to every family member so you all get to have those special old photos and recipes and bible entries of years ago.
- All the everyday things, like towels, stepping stools, things from her everyday life, they all go to charity or dump.
- Her furniture – take a picture of the pieces and spread them around to anyone that wants it. Usually no one will really want her furniture unless you have a person with a new apartment or home.
- Books should be sorted for money or notes tucked in their pages and then given away to chairty. The fine furniture take the pictures and ask her who she wants to have them. Usually family ask for things long before the parent goes into sickness so have your mother decide.
- Once you have finished the sorting then you go back to the boxes. Find a small table and go to each box and lay out the contents of the box and take a picture of it and then put it back into the box wrapping it carefully this time. Repeat this process with all the boxes and then close them up and replace them in the storage unit and then lock it up.
- Now, you need to go home and print up a small pictures of each of the boxes and contents. You put the name of the person on each and you go over to your mother and you review what you have there and what you have giving each person. This is when you ask if it looks OK and she will say yes or no. Then you ask about the heritage questions so you know where she got things and who gave them to her and how old they are and such. So each box will have a picture on top and then the description of the things inside. If your mom wants to give one thing to her and not to him, then take note of the change and do it. Remember to use your camcorder or voice recorder to put her information on the tape, it makes it easy for you to share and nice to have her voice talking about family history that you can use on a website or save on a disk.
- I like to remember people that are close to your mother in the end of her life. Maybe a neighbor or a young person at church and so on, they could get a little candy dish, or pin that your mother always wore. Let your mother think about it, it will give her lots to do and you can spend a few visits working on the project.
- Now, when the boxes are given out, there is no muss or fuss, your mother has viewed the contents, you have written down the history and they can know they get a little piece of family history with each box they open.
- Jewelry is different. I always give jewelry to the siblings and not to the grandchildren. It is up to the siblings to know if their children will take care of the jewelry or expensive art. You can write notes on the things and let them know your mother wanted her grand daughter to have this for her wedding - type of thing. That’s special and it releases you from hurt feelings.
- Now, you can see, if you take pictures, review it with your mother as much as she can do without getting too upset or tired. You become the person that is doing the work, but not the person that “controlled” the distribution. Even if your mother has passed, this way of taking photo’s is good. One person may say they wanted something special and you can show them that they got just as much as their sister and if they want that item to ask her now and make a trade of something in their own box.
I know it sounds nuts, but things mean a lot to people. Being fair and doing all that you can is all that is asked. Hurt feelings can last years. It can break up a family of siblings in no time. I tried hard to make it fair and as a matter of fact, I personally took very few things. I have no children and so I just had the things that mother had given me through the years while she was alive. I had no one ask me about anything that I separated for them. I was ready - I had the photos and I was ready to show them to anyone. I also did something that I think is important.
Long before mother was ill, I had her take special things and give them to her grandchildren or kids as we went through the holiday time or birthdays. I would keep her from sending money and asked her to give them a pin she loved, or a candle holder, etc. It was a nice way for her to share the stories for them to remember.
When you hand over the things you simply say.
“You know these things belong to Mother and they mean a lot to her. But they are really family pieces. If you do not want them any longer, or do not use them please give them back to any family member and we will hold them for one of the future family members to enjoy in years to come. We all understand that some things do not fit into some lives, but please think of these things as yours to enjoy but the family’s to pass down to in our line of heritage.”
You will never get a guarantee of this, but in the middle of a nasty divorce they can always say that you considered those items to belong to the family as a whole, not an individual to sell or give away to anyone outside of the family. I always think it’s so sad to go to antique shops and see lovely pictures of people with no names and no home or a family member. They are just a photo in a pretty frame hanging on a wall. To keep that from happening, stories of who your family members were and where they lived bring them to life and they mean more to your neices and nephews than just a frame or an old sugar pot.
Lots of work ahead, but you have your family’s history in your hands and that’s a very important thing. Thank you for caring for your mother. I hope you will go to my website and get more tips on giving care and family issues at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Have You Read Your Crystal Ball Lately?
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My dad passed five years ago and I gave mother my word I would be there to care for her and she would be OK. But in the last couple of years I have had arthritis come into my life. I am really getting crippled up and I know I will not be able to care for mother as I had promised. My heart feels heavy, but I think I have to tell her to make other plans.
When I read your email I just see the love you have and the honorable person you are and I am so sorry you’re facing such a nasty condition with your arthritis. But you know that’s why we have Plans B and C and D and E – because life changes. We may know about and appreciate those that can read crystal balls and see the future, but rarely are we lucky enough to have that knowledge when we make our own plans and promises.
You are not alone. All too many couples will retire and hit the road in an RV. They sell their home, their things and they take off for the sunshine states. They are so happy that no one will dare try to talk them down. Once there they enjoy the life of leisure with new friends and all seems fun until they hit a bump. One of them has health challenges, both of them miss their family and friends, the driving is to hard for them, the RV setup and break out is to much for them. Something happens and then what? Then they have a trailer or RV that has depreciated in value, no home to go back to and no things to set up a household. What do they do- life changes, money and income have lowered since they retired and they are really in a pickle.
My mother sold her large family home and went together with my sister to remodel and build a second story for her to live in over my sisters home. The full amount of money that mother had from her house sale went into the remodel. The deal was my sister would have mother there for the rest of her life, living without charge and that my sister would provide care for mother so she would not have to move into a nursing home unless she was really unwell. For ten years mom and my sister had a ball together. They did hobbies, gardened and shopped together. They had dinners and parties together. They went on small trips together. Good times for both of them until, my sister became unwell and passed very quickly of cancer. Then life hit the windshield when mother found out their agreement of a life-long place for her to live and have care had…turned into my sister’s will of leaving the full house to both of her sons, no provisions for my mother. It was a mistake that cost my mother her peace of mind for the rest of her life. She did stay in the home without further payments because her grandson moved in, but the care part was out the window. It became a daily need of myself or other family to care for her. Until she was unable to live alone and then I had her move in with me. This was no ones fault, just a mistake in the legal agreement and who is ever thinking that they would outlive their daughter?
One of my mother’s best friends had a son just my age. We grew up together really and when his mother started to age she bought him a home right next door to hers so he could be close to care for her. But, he began to drink and do drugs heavily and soon he just wanted money from her. More and more money. He would tell her to write him a check or he would not do the shopping or the whatever it was she needed. She was in lots of trouble with him – welding his power over her. As her only child, he had her power of attorney and her life soon became a prison. We were all heart broken over the situation, yet no one could do anything about it and she soon died of a stroke. Had she known, she would have had a dear cousin take care of her legal side of life, but she loved her son and never thought he would treat her that way. She did not have that crystal ball and it made for a sad ending to a lovely lady.
I have watched these and other sad stories so much that I preach Plan A, B and C all the time. If you can not care for your mom, be honest. It’s certainly not because you do not care for her, you simply are not able to do it. So, make plans. Have her sell her home and move into a retirement apartment that has care provided for it’s residents. Have her hire a young person to come over for two hours a day to do things for her. Be creative with different choices and you will see that its not that bad to change directions in the middle of the path. But if you let it slip and she becomes unwell and all of the changes have to happen when she is not able to deal with them, that is not fair. You may have to make plans for your own personal future as well. Maybe you two will find a place that has assisted living help together! Just know that your decisions and your life path may make changes and as long as you can discuss them, ask others for input and help and know when to call for help instead of ignoring the situation….that is the way loving families handle bumps in life…talking, sharing and taking actions that are well thought out. Plan A has to change to Plan B and later it may move on into Plan C. But without that crystal ball, those plans have to be in place, so the future is as good as it get. Not a sad note to a dear life.
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and please do go and visit my website and get more tips on senior issues and care giving at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Down Days for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy; I have my down days but my mother is having horrible down days and I just can not seem to bring her up and out of the hole. Can you give me a few tips?
Yes, first I will state that down days are simply real and human. We all have them, so a day here and there is nothing to fuss over. But if a senior that has had medical problems, is on a few prescriptions, or is confined to a smaller space – has anger issues, is upset and snaps easily, has quiet days that go on and on and is rarely happy over their daily routine, it’s time to talk to a doctor. There are so many medications that can simply lift the spirit up. I know lots of folks do not like this sort of thing, but you know what? When you stand there at 70+, -80+,- 90+ and above and have your own problems, then start to throw rocks at the medications that can help relieve stress and depression.
But before you take her into the doctor’s office, you have home work to do. You need to write a one page letter that will be faxed to the doctor’s office with a heading saying “Please Put this In my mother’s file and ask doctor to read before our appointment on Thursday, thank you ”
This letter is going to be a good review of your mother’s situation. Where she lives, how she is feeling her meds and her feelings of depression and upset. Then you have to be honest, no making up stories. You then tell the doctor that you are her care giver and you are now starting to find yourself feeling down and upset because her emotions are so strong and uncomfortable for you on a continued basis. Be sure to tell him, ”I doubt mother, will be happy about a depression pill” but I’m really over my head here and I need help on this issue. Thank you -
Now, this is the deal. He will then have time to read and understand the appointment. He will understand your mom and your feelings without a big discussion in front of your mother. This is what I have been doing for years. I did it with my mother, other people I gave care to and now my husband. Boy has it made a difference. I can sit and think about the circumstances for the visit, the problems I have seen, an example of the situation and then - the asking the doctor to please help. They do. They respond very well – they will give her a look over and check her current drug list and then they will ask a couple of questions and the Rx will be written.
Now, here is your next step. There is never one drug that fits all. You have to have your mother take the medication for a couple of weeks (some times three weeks for emotional meds) and then take note. If she does not get better, or if she has side effects, or is extra tired or whatever. Then you need to call the doctor’s office and let them know. Ask them if the doctor could please re-access the medication and make a change. He will then call you back and tell you, NO – give it more time. Or YES, I have another med that will do just the same without that side effect - that sort of thing. But to just put the pills aside and think that they will never work for you, or have her take them and not help the problem is silly. So, keep an eye on this and see how she does. Remember to call the pharmacy with actual questions on reactions too – they’re the specialists in medications and I have had pharmacists suggest another medication to talk to the doctor about. Very helpful.
OK, if you feel it’s not emotional, just being difficult or teary over special situations than it’s a problem that you personally can handle. You have to bring your energy level up each time you see your mother. Even if your day is busy and your life is up side down side – you walk in the door with a smile and a bounce. Before you enter the door, take a couple of deep breaths to clear your mind and pull your energy up and then just go for it. Every day have another thing for your mother to concentrate on.
- American Idol, Dancing with the Stars are perfect for catching the mind and having them look forward to something on TV
- The next holiday…here we are at Easter Time. Talk to her about your Easters as a child and how you loved them and you were thinking you and your mom could go over to a family members for Easter Dinner together…or what ever holiday you celebrate in your family.
- The next family event, usually older people have loads of younger children in their family, so who’s birthday is coming up? Maybe buy or make a cake and invite the grand or great grand child over for a fun tea party with their parents. Anything that sounds like minimum work and maximum fun.
- The next outing. You have a doctor’s appointment next week, I was thinking we could drive by the park and take a look at the trees and see how they made it through the winter, or the spring bloom or the flowering plants. Or a stop for lunch, if they cannot get out of the car well, get KFC and then drive to a view park and eat in the car. Something different, something fun.
- Keep up beat. If she is in a mood, just do not allow yourself to jump in her swimming pool. Avert the discussion to another subject, something in the news, or about your friends or family. Just ignore nasty behavior, she may be doing it to watch your button response. That is a nasty habit to get into to and you need to make it stop by not responding with anything but a smile.
I know you have loads of creative ideas too. But what I know is that when you are tired and you are stressed - creativity tends to step back and you just feel the raw nerves of the situation. I hope you will visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more information there and read over some of my older blog posts for ideas that will fit your care. I have done a very solid Care-Givers Workbook 101 that you can find on my website under products. I think you will find it very helpful for your continued good care of your mother. Thanks for all you’re doing for your mom.
Best wishes, francy
Dear Francy Help with Alzheimer’s Medications
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Just returned from training for a few days had a great crowd and did a nice class in senior emergency preparation. It’s always enjoyable to train a good group that are active in their minds and bodies even at advanced ages. The word is aging, but trust me – they’re doing it with grace. For all of you that are joining my blog today…thanks for the good time hope you enjoyed all the new information. By the way you will find my Care-Givers Workbook 101 on the products page of my website and it has loads of tips for caring for dementia and Alzheimer seniors.
Dear Francy: My husband does not want to take any medications for his Alzheimer’s. He has good health and he does not want to “feel funny” – I care for him in our home and I am so worried about it all.
Well, bad news for your husband, his Alzheimer’s has impaired his ability to make decisions for his own health and you get to choose if he needs different medications or care. Your husband’s demeanor is only going to get worse. It will either go into highly frustrated and intense anxiety or it will slow into a non-responsive or retreating mode. Either way, they are not good for him or you.
Now, I know you have been a good kid and gotten a Health Care Directive and Power of Attorney to cover your husband. If not…this is the moment to do it. Go on the net and buy the Borderbund software called Family Law- it’s very inexpensive and it has a step by step program to take you through the legal part of the Health Care Directive. (Or buy a hard copy of the directive at Office Depot) Then go and get it notary stamped at the local bank and then make copies for his doctors so there is not question on who is making the decisions.
Then sit down and write your doctor ( a neurologist) a letter. On the top it will say. Please have doctor read this before our appointment on Thursday and then put into my husband’s file – his name here- Then you begin. You tell the doctor how your husband is acting at home. Is he upset and worrisome, or super quiet and not interacting with you? Just slowly go through a few things that bother you about it and ask the doctor to begin your husband on an emotional drug to keep him calm or keep him engaged in the world and a Alzheimer’s mediation that works for mild Alzheimer conditions. Always remember to ask for generic if he can so you can afford the medication. Then you will fax the letter (go to a Copy Shop for faxing if you need to) and make sure it is sent off and they receive it before your appointment. If you do not have an appointment make one and send the letter to arrive a couple of days head of your appointment.
This means the doctor has time to review your letter and make a review of your husband and his condition and when you arrive you will find him informed and ready to help you. Because this is really about you. You are the care giver, you are your husband’s only life line! Without you, he is not able to do anything. So, you are the important party here. If you are feeling overwhelmed and unable to give him good care, there is a problem. If the overwhelmed is from no medications, that is just not fair to you.
I have to help my husband with his meds twice a day. He would never, and I mean never remember, on his own. I had a day when I was training and then came home tired and he went all day without his meds. Morning and night. I had put them out, but I was not there to remind him. So, by the next day he was acting strange and I checked and was so disappointed in myself for not remembering to check on him. It’s hard for us as care givers. After all – I was tired and stressed with the training class and all that went around it and was gone, then home to be exhausted and losing my voice after training for five hours a day for three days…so, I was in need of a little TLC too! No one can be perfect, but we can try to do as good a job as possible. The next morning we started again, I gave him his meds and he went forward on his plan. But his body did not, he had a very bad reaction to the meds with diarrhea after the body had gone a day without them. So, this is why meds are so important to take on time and for us, as care givers, to have a plan in place if we get tired or sick.
My husband had a cell phone, so if I am not going to be handy…I set the alarm for his pill time. He is still well enough to remember what the alarm is when it rings. But if he moves out of that stage – and into a deeper problem with memory - I will just call my friend or sister and ask them to call him and remind him and ask him to take the pills while he is on the phone.
George’s Zoloft is so important to his emotional health that it reflects right back on me if he does not take it. So, I always say if George misses the morning pills, that “I have missed my Zoloft” – Even if I personally do not take the meds, they effect my life so negatively if he forgets to take them- it feels like we are one with this medication. Medications for emotional and mental conditions are simply to be prescribed and taken. There is no excuse other than selfish behavior- the reason for so many homeless people is that they have problems taking their meds and it reflects so badly on their abilities they can not function properly without them. Dementia and Alzheimer’s is a combo of emotional and mental conditions that have to be cared for and treated with medications to ease the symptoms.
Often my husband will ask me,” Don’t you think I take too many pills?” He can do this over and over again. So, I have a list of his meds and what they do for him and I just show him the list and ask him which pills he wants to stop taking? – The answer is always, “Well I suppose they’re all OK, you should have shown that to me before.” (Trust me, I have shown this list to him on numerous occasions, but his memory for things like this is simply non-existent. This having a list handy is really a life saver for me- on the daily repeats that he now endures)
So, to review:
- Get your legal papers in order so you’re really accepted as the person in charge of decisions for anyone with dementia/Alzheimer’s
- Explain the changes in your spouses behavior to the doctor in a letter – sent before his appointment. Then you will not have to have an embarrassing confrontation in front of the doctor. This will allow the specialist (neurologist) to make a better choice of medications. Sign the letter with your name and Power of Attorney on the bottom…so he knows you have the ability to make these decisions.
- Make sure medications are taken on time, everyday…no matter what is happening in your life. Most of these drugs are taken with food, so after breakfast and dinner is better. Ask for generic for your budget and if they are too expensive- tell the doctor to give you a slip that you can fill out and send into the drug company and they will gift you the drug - if you’re on a tight income range.
- Remember the care giver is just as important as the patient. You are the reason for his health and well being. You are the strength that is going to carry him on for a long time in your own home. If he wants to be in his own home, you get to set the rules and taking meds and keeping him safe is your job. You make the decisions now. That can be hard for people that have had long time marriages and the husband has been the power point of the relationship. But life changes, you now have to stop being the nice girl that listens and follows and become the assertive lady that sets the pace and keeps the care level high.
- Think of yourself as part of a care team. Your husband, then you, as the care giver, and then the doctor…that’s the triad that is going to make this tough situation of giving care for the long term, to Alzheimer’s spouse - successful in your home.
I applaud you for your kindness and patience in your care giving. Alzheimer’s takes more than a Seniors mind, it takes the once sweet relationship of husband and wife and turns it on it’s head. It leaves the care giver lonely and feeling alone before the spouse has even died. But you are not alone, you have so many others that are right behind you and you need only ask questions and we will all try to help.
Please go and enjoy the rest of the Alzheimer blogs on my Dear Francy blogs and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comto get more information. Don’t forget, when you get to the stage that you need care facility help for your loved one, please contact me and let me help you through that process with our Loving Memories – Senior Care Facility Placement Service that is FREE for you to use.
Thank you, francy
Where is my Pepto? Senior Care Tips
francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: My mother has asked me to buy her pepto, lip balm and other over the counter stuff on repeated occasions. What’s up, I can never find them when I go over to her place, is this early dementia?
Well before we have your mother diagnosed by a blonde, like me. I think we should start with something I can tell you- if she’s forgetting and losing things, then you schedule her for a memory test at her doctor’s office. Some primary physicians do it but most ask you to go to the neurologist. This is a good thing to do – they do the memory test and a year later they repeat it. That way the doctor has a base line and can see if her mind is changing in any alarming way.
How about something you and I can do to help her out right away? Ah, organize! I know you’re saying that your own home is not organized so why should you help your mom on this subject. Well, it’s always easier to clean in someone’s home. Less distraction. Here are the steps to get the bathroom and the table by her TV chair in order:
Bathroom:
- Start with taking a large black trash bag in the room and open all the drawers and dump. There will be old hair brushes and rollers, and creams that have gone green with age. There will be hairpins and old make up and it will just go on and on. So, throw as much of the old stuff as you can. Anything that you have a question on, put it aside.
- Add a 7-10 size magified mirror that sticks on her bathroom mirror, so she can actually see without glasses. That way she can put on and take off makeup and do her facial hair work.
- Clean out the drawers with some soapy water and line them. You know, you buy the Rubbermaid liner that’s a plastic sheet in a roll and will be easy to clean and freshen up old drawers. Then you’ll get a few of the plastic trays for drawers-just like you use with silverware, only single size. Those are for her toothpaste and brush so they stay clean-sort of thing.
- Take a moment to re-think the drawers. You want to have a drawer for teeth cleaning and small first aid in one of the top drawer areas. You put in the tray liner and buy a new toothbrush ( I personally live for the Sonicare it’s so terrific) if she needs it. Then you put in this drawer the things she would reach for everyday. Maybe a new moisturizer (by the way get one with SPF she may not know how important that is these days) Then the neosporin, the anti-itch cortisone cream, any other cream she uses on a daily basis and her underarm deodorizer. You can slip in a few other things like a small band aid box and one of the newer liquid band aids and tell her how to use it. This means that she opens this drawer for her basics, teeth, deodorant, moisturizer and small cut and itch repair stuff. Her morning routine in one drawer, or in one small basket if she does not have a drawer.
- On the other side of the bathroom sink – that top drawer is for her hair and her make up. Once again, use those individual trays. Three or four trays will hold her tweezers and small scissors, eye color, under eye concealer, mascara, blush and mineral makeup. The mineral makeup is new to older folks, so introduce her, it will not stick in her lines and help her look young and pretty everyday. Her lipsticks go in another tray and remember, only keep a couple -they turn bad- as does moisturizer and mascara. So if she’s not using a lot of makeup these days – do a replacement with new. In another tray is her comb and hair brush and a tube of hair gel. Show her how to just shampoo, moisturizer, towel dry and comb through her hair and then use the gel and run it through her hands into her hair for it to look tosseled, if she’s in a hurry. Lots of older gals get into not doing anything with their hair and this way she looks good everyday.
- Under the sink gets cleaned out next and everything goes. This is where you put the toilet paper stash, the basket with cleaning goods for the shower & those cleaning wipes with bleach. A small plastic tub for her throw away shavers, back up shampoo and her bar soaps that she can easily grab. The same type of tub for her “over the counter” med stuff. (Her prescription drugs should be on a high shelf in the kitchen away from moisture, not in the bathroom)
- Load up the plastic tub with the over the counter drugs: Get rid of all outdated stuff…just throw it. Buy new items and I know it sounds expensive but once you get this down it will be all in order for her. You should have Pepto, or generic, tussin cough syrup, Imodium pills for diarrhea, stool softeners for constipation, a cold pill that she can take with her meds, Vick’s, larger band aids,a new easy to read thermometer, alka seltzer & cough drops. Everything ready to use if she is unwell- or needs something in the middle of the night - she just grabs the basket.
- The rest of the shelves in the bathroom, if she has them, like a linen closet, should be cleaned out. Old towels are gifted to charity and old shampoo or other products or fancy gifts that were given to her for the last ten years - that no longer are used - go in the trash. The shelves should be empty…they only hold a couple of new towel sets that are new and feel fresh and fun to use. They hold a basket of wash clothes for her to use on her face. The toilet paper can go here and her cleaning products from under the sink if she has this extra space. The other basket that works well here is the one for her hands with moisturizers and her nail polish, cotton balls and remover. So If she does her nails she just takes the basket down and takes it with her. But all the old junk..the old curlers and curling irons, bottles of fragrance, bubble bath and blow dryers that she never uses - they go out the door. You want the area to be clean and easy for her to see what she has and what she needs.
BY THE TV BASKET:
- This is a must for all seniors. You have this for their chair side-table at home or in a care center. If its a care center it’s a smaller basket, but the at home, needs to be on top of the table.
- In this basket you put a small magnifying glass, emery boards, a pen & letter opener, small paper scissors, a small glass-cleaner spray bottle, tums, lip balm, small hand cleaner, small hand moisturizer, tiny Swiss knife, Q Tips and a small pocket mirror. The basket has to be easy to grab and look through or a box with a top if she likes things tucked away.
- The point of this is to think of things she has to get up and go and get all day. Then she has to remember to put them away and they find their way down her seat cushions and on the floor before that happens, so this way, she stays organized and still has her things right at her finger tips. I like to put a klenex box and salt and pepper by the chair too…so if she has carried her food in the living area, they can have the seasonings close at hand. My mother always wanted a small glass container with a lid to keep little sweet treats in and she kept a nice tile to protect her coffee or tea cup when it was at rest, on the table.
- I also love the over the chair arm and the slide in the mattress caddies. They work so well for the remote controls and the magazines and such and they make everything close.
Why all this fuss and work on your part? The easier it is for your mom to not walk around and get up all the time, the less falls you worry about. The cleaner the area the less visual clutter the mind has to sort through and can help anyone with light memory challenges. The easier her bathroom is to find things and know that it’s at an arms reach, means she does not tuck this here and there and then forget where? If she is having memory trouble just label the drawers for her in the bathroom.
Remember the majority of illness happens in the bathroom. If seniors feel sick to their stomachs or have problems with their bowels – in they go to the bathroom. To have it tidy and clean and easy to use, means it could help them in an emergency.
If her bathroom is really looking sad, you can perk it up with a new light fixture that uses the new low volt lights. Very easy for anyone to trade off light fixtures, just remember to turn off the light at the switch before you meddle with them. You can get a new faucet so the old one does not leak. You can bleach out the counter tops and make them bright and then shine them with a car wax. You can paint the room with one gallon of paint. And you can remove and replace the caulking around tubs and sinks with an easy to use acrylic caulk for tub and tile. The place will look fresh and fun for her to use again.
The Bathtub: You can have the old bathtub redone with a service that refurbishes porcelain and it makes her tub all new and pretty. You can add a great bathtub hand rail or special bath chair. The handheld shower is a very easy addition to any tub and you will only need Teflon tape and the hand held shower kit. The shower curtain should be see through so she has plenty of light when she’s in the tub. The toilet area should have a handle to help her up if she’s unwell.
As we all age, the bathroom is used more and more, so it needs to be easy to use and not have floor rugs that slip. If you want to get a new floor mat that sits in front of the sink that does not slip and is made of latex, great, otherwise rugs come out of the bathroom. Almost all bathrooms that have vinyl can be easily upgraded with the new 14″ vinyl tiles that stick on and look so great with grout lines printed right into the tile pattern. They are inexpensive and take off 10-20 years of age in the bathroom. (wish I could have something that took off years!)
Your mom will feel updated, upgraded and have less stress to remember where she put her lip balm, if you take a little time on this. Remember, people live in homes for years and years and the bathroom just gets more stuff in it, rarely does it get a good clean-out. So this is just the ticket for you both!
I did this with my mother and other seniors in care and they responded with so much excitement. I redid mom’s bathroom after my father passed - in a more feminine color with fancier towels. It really did make an emotional change for her. Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and get other tips on care giving and read the rest of my blogs on Alzheimer’s and dementia if you are worried about your mother’s memory.
Thanks, francy
Bad Day, Need Help – Note in bottle from Caregiver
Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I am having such a hard time, I have tried and tried to get my dad’s outlook more positive – but he is just stuck in mud since my mother’s passing. Help?
Yes, that is called the angry old man syndrome and it is a real effect of men that have been pampered and loved so much that when they lose that spouse they simply retreat in anger. It is certainly not directed at you, it is directed at the world.
So lets go over some tips for you to use:
- Exercise, even if he is really limited you must get him up and out the door. A walk a day with an older neighbor, a walk with the dog, a drop off at the Y and let him do a senior exercise program, or just you and he walking around the house every time he goes to the bathroom!
- Get him a good multi-senior vitamin supplement and add a few other things to it. B-12 is a biggie for brain function, and lots of folks are talking about Vitamin D for seniors so go and do some Google work and see what you can find to make his system work as well as it can.
- Reduce his sugar, if he’s diving into cookies and candy to relieve his depression. Change that get some puddings and Jello without sugar. He eats- the sugar gets a lift and then comes crashing down to depression or his current form, anger. So keep him on a more stable up and down with a lower sugar intake.
- Invite others in to visit him. Call some of his older friends and ask them to come over for a piece of pie and coffee and to visit your dad…if you have no one, then go to a local church and just talk to the minister and ask if he has seniors that like to do lay-work in the community and would visit him and play cards or take a walk.
- Have at least one event every month that he enjoys and looks forward to get out of the house. I give this one to your kids or grand kids to pick. The miniature train display at the historical museum, the WWII movie at the local theater, the Civil War re-enactment at the local park, the July 4th parade in a small local town. Just give this to the kids to figure out and they will enjoy the event along side of him.
- Try the penny jar routine. You put out two jars, one filled with pennies or beans…and every time he says a swear word or gets mad you –go over and put a penny in the empty jar. This is an amazing way to show someone they are repeating a negative task. You can say, dad you are swearing so much it bothers me, but he could care less – until he actually sees that empty jar filling up with pennies from his own actions. You will see a change, I promise, I have used this with myself and I have really been able to make a mental note on change.
- Doctors can prescribe meds if they know what is going on. Write a letter to his doctor and just tell him the changes your dad has made and see if the doctor feels meds can help. I believe in these meds, my husband has Alzheimer’s and one Zoloff pill a day keeps his confusion and anger away!
- Give him things to do. Make sure he is not sitting all day watching TV. If he is at his own home, write a list of honey do’s-just like your mother would have done. And press him to get one or two done before your next visit. If he is with you, you do the same. Make the chores easy and with no more than three steps to finish the task then he will feel he has a reason to keep going.
- Ask his advice. I would sit down with him once a week and tell him you have a choice on a few things this week. Should you go ahead and try to save money with these coupons that you see on the TV that everyone uses or should you just shop in the discount grocery store and not worry about the fuss. Ask him what he thinks. He may blow it off and think your conversation is not worthy, but do not take it personally, the information will go into his mind and he will make a comment on it at a later time. You are giving him the respect to ask his opinion and that is what he needs. Even if the conversation is not deep, it only has to be sincere. You can talk about politics or neighborhood problems, just talk.
- Make sure his surroundings are reflective of him. If he is in his own home, make sure your mothers things do not dominate his visual everyday. Move the furniture around in the living room to give his chair a better view of the window and the TV. Paint the room, use earth tones throw pillows. In small ways remove your mother’s feminine side and allow him to have a space that is his- instead of him living in a museum to his wife.
- After an incident that you two argue or you get your feelings hurt. Let time pass…maybe a few hours or a day and then go and sit down with him and say. You know dad I am trying hard to live my life with lots of people that need me, I count on you loving me and giving me support. No more arguments OK? No long boo hoo passages, just let him know, he is a part of your family team and you need him to support you- not fight against your every move.
Well I hope some of these things help bring your dad back to a place that he can find a good smile. I certainly appreciate your time with him, I know it is not a pleasant thing to be with a person that is angry at the world. Please do sign up for my newsletter and visit my web site for more information at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. You are doing a very good job, just think creative, not negative when you’re giving him care.
Thanks, francy
Caution: Mobility Chair Coming Through!
by francy Saunders www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My dad is 77 and he has arthritis and has a heck of a time getting around the house. He wants a scooter type of chair, do you think he can qualify?
Electric/Power chairs have really changed our physically challenged society and given them freedom. I feel that the chairs are simply wonderful for out and about. When I was a young person you rarely saw anyone in public in a wheelchair – they simply stayed at home. Can you imagine to be trapped inside a house because they could not walk any distance at all?Heart patients, lung problems with difficult breathing, arthritis and other things like MS and severe diabetes side effects have kept folks glued to their small inside living area for far to long. So the birth of these chairs is wonderful. The different insurance programs and medicare seem to be paying for the chairs and more and more people are using them. You can simply call your local medical supply and ask them how they decide on the insurance coverage, they will take you through the steps. They will even get the prescription from the doctor for you and plug you into the best buy.
But should you? NOW my caution. The chairs are additive to use and if you do use them all the time and no longer walk at all, that means you lose your muscles and you will not be “able” to walk. This may seem like a joke or no way, not me kind of thing…but it’s true and you have to understand what you’re trading off. If you have a problem with your lungs and then you never exercise your lungs or your legs, what comes next? If you have a problem with your weight and then you start to move around in a chair, is your weight going down? I doubt it. So here are some suggestions that you can go over and see how it would effect him:
Mobility Chairs:
- Have the patient or senior make a commitment that if they use the power chair all the time, they will do exercises from a sitting position to keep their muscles in their legs, thighs and buttock working. This way they can get out of a chair, up and down from the toilet and so on. The exercises I am talking about are found on the PBS stations or on video with “Sit and Be Fit” – you could find them at your local library, too.
- If the patient/senior says they will walk around the house in the morning when they are fresh and do their exercises and stretches. In the afternoon when they are getting tired or have more pain- then they will use the chair.
- The Patient/senior can use the chair on outings and around the outside of the house or when people are visiting to make life easier.
- The patient/senior can use the chair for household chores and such, but walks from their regular chair to the bathroom and back to keep their legs healthy.
- The patient/senior uses the chair all the time, but does a series of deep breathing exercises three times a day and daily does their sitting stretches and exercises. They practice getting up and down from a sturdy side chair with arms and keep those legs working for healthy movement.
I am not saying the chairs are not great…but many times using things that help you can also hinder you in the long run. Most older people with health problems, just think they have a short life span ahead anyway so they do not look into the future. You have to know that medical care is so advanced that people with severe health challenges do live for five, ten years or longer. That’s a long time to be bed ridden or stuck with a full time care facility because you did not think that exercise in your 70’s or 80’s was important.
Lots of men will promise to exercise and never do it. Lots of women with diabetes are very overweight and this chair allows them more access to food on whims. People in pain think the chairs will relieve the pain, when lots of times it promotes muscle cramps that are very painful. There is a trade off for using the chair. I simply want you and your dad to understand it is not a joke. His arthritis pain is not a joke either and if he can commit to exercise along with the chair then the combo could be a wonderful life enhancer.
Choosing to use a mobility chair should be a choice, you would hate to have your body force you into using a wheelchair or the power chair on a full time basis, just because you got lazy with exercise. Even if you are totally unable to walk…you need to exercise as much as you can. That’s how you stay well, that’s how your body functions work. You will find that digestion, intestinal, and breathing problems will develop if you do not exercise your body. That also means if you get a cold or flu you’re likely to get pneumonia and that can threaten your life. So be wise, talk it over and make sure the commitment to a mobile chair is really needed and properly used.
Please do read over my website tips and notice that I have a great Care Givers Workbook 101 that really helps with all the details that come up in giving care to a senior. Visit www.seniorcarewithspirit.com sign up for my newsletter and check out the workbooks on the products page.
Thanks for all you do for your dad,
francy
I’m Sick – What do I do with Mom?
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: This is my second round of a nasty bug and I’m worried about mother, I do not want her getting sick. But I also want to rest to get well myself…ideas?
Well I know that you understand the importance of keeping everything clean and we will go over that, but you also need to understand the real key – is YOU. You are the caregiver without you your mother is on her own. So, you have to make a real effort to rest and get your immune system strong. I will list some ideas and you take what you like and the rest you may already know.
- Use the bleach clean wipes for counter tops on everything that is shared or public area. Light switches, phones, cell phones, the intercom buttons, the handles on doors, the handles on your mother’s walker, the handles on hard surface chair arms, the faucets, the remote controls, and the small machines like the breathing machine and diabetic tester. Those are surfaces that need to stay clean.
- Use your gloves everytime you go into her room, and then clean your hands after you remove the gloves
- Have your immune basket ready with things that give you a boost. EmergenC, AirBorne and Vitimine C (2,000 units per day when you are unwell or feeling like something is coming on) – Turmeric is the latest supplement that is finding a big following; you take two pills per day, every day to boost your immune sytem. The pills are 500mg and two means 1,000 mg per day normally, if you are unwell or are facing problems double that for a while. Look on Google and review what the above supplements do and if you feel comfortable using them. Your mother has to check to see if she has a problem with them bothering her meds. You can take the list to the drug store and show the pharistist and they will let you know if there might be a problem.
- Adult Day Care Centers. Each community has a few of these great centers that take older people with problems in and keep them busy for a few hours. Some are free- some charge…but what it will do is give you a break to take a long nap.
- If you need to really just tuck in bed, then call a sibling and ask them to come over or take your mom for a short stay. Or call a neighbor and ask if they would make your mother’s lunch or dinner so you do not have to do it all. Let your mom know to hang low and not to do a lot of walking around if she is unsteady. You can even bring her commode into her sitting room, so she has a shorter distance to move to the toilet.
- This is when frozen dinners really help. I ask everyone to make more than just the dinner for the family, if you add one more serving and freeze it…then those nights you are tired or unwell you can just pull out the frozen food you have personally prepared and know the meal is good and tasty.
- This is when you need to put the pills for your mother in a small dish and sit it next to her chair and tell her you will call her when it’s time to take them, you can cover it with a napkin and she will not worry over it all day. Give her the cell phone to have next to her all day and you just call her using your home line. I would check in every 20-40 minutes depending on how she is with time.
- Make sure you breath well. Take nice big deep breathes each time you get up to go to the bathroom. The rule for water intake is that a glass of water is drank each time you go to the bathroom. That will flush out the bad stuff.
- Stay quiet, do not do a lot of talking, that takes energy-so keep quiet. Keep your feet up if you are sitting down and always use a throw to keep a chill off of you while you are resting.
- Let the family know you are feeling unwell. It may not occur to you that you could faint, or have a heart problem or infection that might escalate and you would be unable to care for your mother and need care yourself. So, check in with a friend or family member during your illness and let them know your progress.
I hope this helps you and you will go and visit my website and sign up for my newsletter www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Youwill find lots of other information there for your care giving ideas.
Thanks for all you do for your mother, you are kind to care for her.
Thank you,
francy
Senior’s Family Can Not Agree!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I am just at the end of my rope – my brother disagrees with almost all of the care plan and insists on things that mother did not want to do. What can I do and still keep the family ties?
Well first, I trust you have your mother’s power of attorney and medical health care directive done. If not get it done today.I am not kidding. You can get the paperwork at Office Depot but I like to use the Broderbund software called Family Law. It will take you through the step by steps and then you need to get two other people to sign as witnesses. If you mother is unclear of mind, you need to know it can be contested…so you need to make sure that both witnesses will write a small note to go along with the paperwork that states (the lines below) and then have them sign this extra piece of paper also.
>> I have witnesses the signing of a Power of Attorney and Health Care Directive with –Your mother’s name –. She seems of right mind and understood the information as we talked to her. I feel she is able to make this legal commitment this –day and date here — <<
Signed __________________ Date: ______________
Now, that does not mean that you would not have a problem, it could be contested and so on, anyone willing to hire an attorney could get what ever they wanted I suppose. But what it does tell the parties that might be involved legally, is that you took steps to make sure your mother was clear on what she was signing and you listened to her desires on her medical and legal care. Then all the paperwork, including your signature and your mother’s signature (which might be rough, but if it has a witness even an X can mark her name) Then you take her, you and all the paper work to the bank or reality office and get it notarized. Then you make copes for all of the doctors and have a couple for hospital visits. Keep the original one in a lock box or a file that you can find if you need it.
Now, the common sense. When I was keeping care of my mother and she was so unwell and she was living with us with no income other than a small social security check. Her medications alone were $1100 a month. Then there was all the rest, the special foods, the special products she needed like bladder control and daily protein drinks, and the rental of machines for her care and on and on. It was overwhelming and here I am not working so I can care for her.
To top that one off, a young member of the family, that loved my mother very much, had a chat with me. Telling me that they disapproved of using state funds for her care and that they wanted her to have full care in the hospital or care facility NO – do not resuscitate or feeding tube restrictions.
That went against my mother’s wishes for her medical care. Mother did not understand about the financial end, or she would have been sick with worry. She did not know I asked the state to help us with her care. But she was interviewed each month by a case worker who constantly asked if she could do more for us and I only asked for help with things that I could not afford like her medications and such. Mother was so well cared for that I was hot with anger, over the the comments. I thought it all over and I did not want the family to have an argument. So, I decided to just respond with a little statement that I sent out via email to about 16 family members. This is not the statement because it was years ago, but it’s the basics of the statement.
I want everyone one to know that mother is doing well this week. She is responding to medications and she is preparing for Easter with the family if she is strong enough. If not, I would appreciate you coming to visit her in the next couple of weeks.
I also want to inform you that I have mother’s Power of Attorney on health matters and she has filled out and had witnessed her own Health Care Directive and Funeral Plans. They were witnessed and notarized and so I have been following her wishes to outline her care plan.
Since mother is in her 90’s I’m sure you understand that she will be getting weaker and eventually pass. But I have a plan in place that lets me know how to give her care through emergency health challenges and I intend to follow it. I would appreciate it if you would honor that plan and know if you want quality time with mother, come and visit her while she is able to enjoy your visit. Thank you for your time on this matter.
So, there you go. You do not have to face one person, you can treat all of the family including siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and grand children the same with a firm but friendly statement. Then make sure you present the Power of Attorney papers to all of her doctors and hospital at check in, so they know YOU…make the decisions. I would also tell the hospital that all decisions on your mother’s care are for your eyes only. That keeps the hospital in a privacy mode and they do not release information without your approval to anyone else.
Good luck, I know you can work through this bump. Just remember your love and time giving your mother care has great value. You have to express yourself assertively on her behalf. If you do not hold the power of attorney, it is time to make other arrangements for your mother. And allow the person with the power – figure out how to give care, pay for care and make decisions that are fair to all parties. Power of Attorneys may sound official and important, but I have found they represent a very serious responsibility that is often not pleasant.
Thank you for all you do for your mother, please do go and visit my website and get more informaiton on the daily care issues that we all face www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Panic-Dad has a cold and not able to walk!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Dad has had a cold for a week and today he is so weak he is unable to walk. He refuses to go to the hospital. I am unable to lift him and I have called a cousin that will take an over night flight to come and help me. What should I do?
OK, first Panic is not a word to use that does not get attached to calling his doctor for help and/or taking him into the ER. So remember, if you are that scared you need to be calm and take care of the situation with a call to a medical adviser and get him help.
Now, the options: One he has a mecial directive that says no hospital or resusitation. This is your honor to protect, but a cold never says I am dying to me- (it says; I’m sick, tired and weak - I need some meds to make me better. I may need some fluids and I may need some physical therapy to recover my legs)but I think that dying is low on the list of what will happen with a cold unless you ignor it and it goes into pneumonia. So, if I were in the house, I would call the doctor’s office. (who would probably just tell me to send him to ER)
I would take him to ER and they would give him fluids, check his vitals, and put him on a program to recover his legs again. The least I would do is call the local Fire Department and have the medics check him out. I would not wait by the door for a relative, I would take action now. You are the care giver, your dad is too sick to make calls or decisions. So, use your intuition and react in a safe and appropriate way to give him care.
After that has been addressed; I want to assure you that many older seniors with different health challenges have problems with their legs and the slightest infection can take their energy down fast and that will keep them from walking. As they get fluids and meds and recover, they get their legs back again. So, do not immediately think he is off his feet for any permanent time period. It may just be a passing side effect of the body fighting an infection or other conditions in the body.
DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO STAY IN BED WITHOUT WALKING FOR MORE THAN A DAY! If someone is on doctor’s orders to be in bed and the doctor understands they are in the bed full time and can not get up – that is the exception. If they are simply unable to walk or stand without falling, they need to be treated by a physician and not you. They need to address what ever is bothering the senior that has produced this weakness.
Let’s go forward. Your dad has gotten some meds and has gotten his fluids and oxygen levels up. He has his sugar level in order, he has seen a doctor or nurse practitioner and he is back home. But he is still really unsteady and needs you to help him move around. You have a bad back or are very tiny and you are worried about caring for him in this state. Then you have to have him placed in a care center until he gets strong enough to meet the standards of your own home care. It maybe a week or a month in the care center but the doctor will write a prescription for it, just like a medication so the insurance can cover the cost. The care center will give him Physical Therapy to walk, monitor his vitals and get him strong again. If they can not do that, then he has moved into a new stage of care and you have to decide on the next step.
If the doctor or nurse has him back home and he is simply wobbly and can stand but not without you next to him, walk but not more than a few steps. This would mean that he has been examined and is on medication to take down his infection or handle his health challenge and he is on the mend. You will be asked to help him stand up and move him to the commode that will be placed in his room. You will have to help him up from the commode and get him back in his chair. An in-home nurse can be sent via the doctor to help you learn how to do the assisting so it will not harm you. Very small people, can handle larger bodies if they are taught how to move them.
He will have to do all the exercises that the Physical Therapy person has given to you. They usually have a sheet with the exercises printed on it. You and your Father will have to do those exercises a couple of times a day for his legs to get strong again. Older people lose muscle strength really fast and they need to re-gain it right away so it is not a permanent situation. Even if he is very ill with heart problems or cancer, he needs to move for as long as he can. So he will have to do the exercises that the professional PT person designs for him. You will have to assist him until he gets strong enough to be on his own.
If he falls on the ground – do not even try to pick him up. Call 911 and the fire department will come and lift him to his chair or bed and check him out. If they think he has injured his body they will transport him to the hospital. If you do not want him transported or given resuscitation you have to have a piece of paper posted on the wall that releases the medics from their duty of rescuing the patient and doing all they can to save him. This paper is called A Do Not Resuscitate Order/Agreement (or DNRO form). This is not his living will, it is a special piece of paper that has to be from his doctor. It would be signed by the patient, or his Power of Attorney and the primary doctor that you use for his care. It’s usually a green piece of paper and I posted mother’s in her bathroom door, so I could easily show it to a medic crew. If mother went into the hospital I took it with me in my hospital pack. (You will find my hospital emergency workbook package on the products page of my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com it is a beauty and will really help you go step by step through Emergency Room visits.)
If your dad knows he is facing a life transition it is time to call Hospice. That is a terrific service that will come into your home and help you as well as your dad through the process of dying. It is used in the last six months of someones life and is paid for via medicare and all you have to do is ask your doctor or look up Hospice in the phone book. They will come and do an assessment of your dad and then give you an outline of all the things they can do for you. So you can be released from some of the stress and just be his daughter, instead of a care giver.
Remember, older people get weak. But they also recover. So be really clear on what your dad needs to do around the house for you to give care. I told mother she just had to walk, I could not lift her for any length of time. So, she was very good about walking after each of her little strokes and illnesses. She knew I could help her for a few days, but not on a permanent basis, so she responded with lots of exercise to keep her legs working.
Thank you for all you do for your dad, I hope you will go to my website and read about my Care-Givers Workbook 101, it has helped so many family members give top notch care to their seniors. Thanks francy
How to Keep Your Senior Safe on Their Own
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mom is 68 and living alone in Utah, I’m in California. She is well, doing fine, but how to do I know if she is fine- how can I care for her long distance?
My mother was on her own since she lost Dad- at 62. So my sisters and I started to check in with her on a daily basis from that time forward. Mother was strong and working until she was 70, she lived on her own until she was 95. But she needed to have assistance to be on her own all those years and it started out with the check-in phone calls. I think this is why she was so independent, because we all had our place in her life and did different things to keep her protected and engaged. So, let’s start at the top and just talk about the check-in calls.
Very few children understand that older people need to have a rutter to keep going in the right direction in their life. They do not need to have someone driving them crazy and telling them what to do, just someone checking in with them and keeping them on point. I think the best place to start is if you do not want to be checking in with your parents or senior friend or family member on a daily basis.
If you are someone that is really busy and does not want to be tied down to check in calls each day…then hire it done. Because some one has to do it. If you live out of town or within driving distance you still need to have someone do a daily check in with your parent that is over 65. Now I am talking about a parent in good health, or bad – who lives alone. Find a person to do the check-in. You can find a senior neighbor, or a young mother who could use a little gas money while they try to stay at home to raise their children. You could use a care service if your senior needs a little more than a phone call. Find your check-in person in your seniors own neighborhood, or at the local church. Make sure it’s a person that is safe and would not harm your senior or steal from them. Then ask them to call each day, or stop by and take in their mail. That way the person is able to see how your senior is doing and report if there is anything out of order, or different about the senior.
Now, YOU…you can take 5 minutes out of your morning to check in with your parent or senior. You simply make a daily time to call. You can set up your watch to remind you and you call and make it short. This is not your usual chit chat call that you make a couple of times a week, this is a check in call and you have specific questions to ask the senior and then you hang up and get back to work.
Senior Check-In call:
- Set a time each morning that is good for you both. Some seniors are early risers and some have sleeping problems and do not wake up until after 9:30AM so find out their pattern and work with their needs, not yours. What ever time it is - set it in your life like clock work. Set your watch or cell phone to a daily alarm to remind you where ever you are to call the senior. If you’re out of town, then check out the Magic Jack that is only $20 a year to call via your computer. Its easy to use and a terrific help with long distance calling.
- When you call you are first going to listen for their voice tone. That is why you need to call when you know they are up and starting their day. Their tone should be strong, if it is weak or sounds like it comes from the back of their throat, there could be problems. Emotional problems are often first noticed with a strange lower than normal voice pitch. So just listen, how do they speak, they may take a few moments to warm up, but they should be alert in their speech patterns. If you hear slurring or mumbling or they sound strange, they you are alerted that something is going on that needs to be checked out by a person in their town (or you) that can drop by and see your parent and make sure everything is A-OK
- Ask them the same questions each day; “Hi, mother, how is your morning?” – “Have you eaten, yet? – what did you have” – “Did you take your meds this morning? If not, do it now while we are talking” – What’s your plan for today?” – “Good, well I have to get back to work, good to hear you’re busy and feeling well I’ll talk to you later.” That is it.
- You want to know if they are up and moving, if they are sick, is it like a small cold or flu and they need some extra over the counter supplies to help them through it – or do they feel sick or weak in the morning and that may mean a doctor visit to schedule. Do they complain about a lot of pain? Then always ask them, “What number is your pain if you have 0 for none and 5 for going to the doctor?”
- Do they remember the day? Remember they have an appointment they have been talking about for the last week? Do they have something in their day to do and already planned? Emotional health is someone with a plan, small or large- a plan for the day. Are they going out to work in the garden or do chores around the house, meeting friends for cards or lunch, watching a special show on news or their favorite morning TV shows? Something that shows they are keeping a life in order and not just sitting with nothing to do.
- Are they physical? Are they doing a morning stretch and exercise, from a walk to a exercise with the TV’s ”Sit and Stretch” lady on PBS? Make sure you encourage them to MOVE…get up walk around and keep those legs working.
- Are they eating? Make sure their breakfast is something that is healthy. Are they eating donuts or just a piece of toast, or fixing a good cereal with a fruit topping each day? Do they hate to cook? Then they should have a yogurt or an energy drink to start their day. Common sense is what you are calling about and you need to nudge them into the common sense side of life in your morning calls.
- Do they follow through with tasks? Did they say they were going to take out the garbage yesterday and now, today they are saying they are going to take it out again. This could show they are not following through with simple tasks. It may be a sign of loneliness, depression, or early dementia. These are the things you are looking for each day. Not that you can wave a wand and change their life, but if they have someone to talk to and to check-in with, they are more likely to finish tasks.
- Are they going out? You can take note of where they’re going and just know that if they are going out you will want to make a quick call that afternoon or evening and check that they got back home safely, or ask them to call you back when they get in the door.
- Do they have a cell phone on them at all times? Having a phone by their bed or chair does not help them if they get in trouble with a fall or sickness. A cell phone in their breast pocket so they can hear it, or around their neck in a holder or lanyard is what they need to do each day. If they fall or get in trouble, help is just a phone call away. I like cell phones but if they need one, then get them a medical alert system, either way…they need to know they have a way to call for help.
- Are they bored and just want to talk? You have to get this taken care of right off the bat. The morning check-in means you just check in…as you learn to listen to their daily needs it will get shorter and shorter. You have to set the rules here, let them know you care about them, but you are at work and a quick call is all the time you can give them. If they need you for a problem to call you during the day – otherwise your chat calls are for after work.
- Do they hate to have you call and resent it? Then sit down with them and tell them you are so busy that you do not have time to do an in person check in each day. So you need to do it on the phone each morning. You look forward to hearing their voice and knowing they are well and doing fun things for the day. Make it about you, not about them. Parents and seniors always respond better to doing things for others, then doing them for their own good.
- What if they need you and you are at work or out of town? That is when you need to have a back up to your calls. A relative that you can call, a next door neighbor, a person that you have pre-set as a drop in back up to check on your senior – in person. I will tell you that a neighbor is usually the best bet. You will find other seniors in the area, a close friend or faith center friend, a card playing friend and so on that will drop by and make sure your parent is OK. If they are not they go to the doctor or the ER.
Living alone is a long line of days that are empty. It takes a while for anyone to adjust to life on their own again. If you parent is just newly widowed then it is part of your love to them, to check in each day and know that you need to suggest things to the parent to keep them a float. “Mom how about making that good soup you like to make this week and we can all come over on Thursday and have a quick dinner with you. We can not stay, just a drop by, have soup, hug you and off night, but it would be nice to give Joyce a night off from cooking and to see you at the same time- OK?” Give them something to do, something to look forward to, the transition to being alone is really difficult and a caring friend or relative can make a huge difference.
I have so much more on giving care in my Care-Givers Workbook 101, please come and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and check out the book in both printed and eBook format to easily download. Thanks for all you do for your mom…francy
Dear Francy Recipes – Easy Biscuits “Step by Step” to Temp Senior’s Taste Buds
This is what I know; older people were raised & lived with homemade food and the taste of that food. Buying biscuits or refrigerated biscuit dough in the store – does not give them the flavor that they have always enjoyed.
So, in this day and age when we all cook fast and easy for our families; we have to remember that the senior’s taste buds do not relate to that cooking. How can you make a decent meal for a senior and still have a fast and easy meal? You just add in a few things here and there that will make their taste buds happy. Good old fashioned biscuits are sure winner. Cheap, easy and so yummy. Now most cooks do not bake much anymore, but I’ve tried to bring you an easy recipe that anyone can make. If you are a wiz-bang baker, you just whip out “from scratch”. But let’s be real, this may be your first time at baking and I still say…you can do it!
I love Bisquick (get a coupon & more fast recipes on the Betty Crocker website) It’s a terrific product and very inexpensive to have on the shelf. It has already combined the flour with the baking soda and such to make the use of it easy and fast. You do not have to buy all those ingredients and have them sitting around going bad. You just use your Bisquick (or any other Quick Baking Mix) So, give this a try… just a try. Your first time round may be a little flat, but the second time will be a winner. Your senior, you and your family will be very pleased that you gave it a try. This is just a few minutes of your time and you will see how yummy it is when the biscuits are hot and served with sweet jams or homemade gravy….wow – I think I’m going to make some tonight for us!
Bisquick Biscuits
(Easy even for non-bakers this is a simple step by step recipe, just give it a try. Do this once a week and you will be a baker and your senior will be full and happy!)
2 1/4 cups Original Bisquick
2/3 cup milk
Heat oven to 450 degrees F.dough onto very clean & dry counter surface that is generously sprinkled with Bisquick. Knead about 10 times (Knead means you fold the dough ball over on top of itself and then push it down and out and repeat – so it has layers that rise when it bakes) Then use a rolling pin (or soup can without its label) to roll the dough to about 1/2-inch thick & 10-inch wide circle on the counter top. Cut the dough into small (2 1/2 inch) circles with a circle cutter or use a tuna can (opened on each end
and cleaned) for the cutter. Place the round dough on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes until golden brown. Turn on the oven light and watch them – you do not want them to over bake, they will rise up and get a yummy light brown on top. Take them out of the oven and off the cookie sheet and open them up right away and put a pat of margarine or butter inside of them to melt. Serve two to your senior with a little dish of apple butter, or jam on the side with a spoon so they can have them hot, rich and sweet! Great topped with gravy too…and for a morning treat serve them with sausage gravy – or on their own next to an egg.
Stir ingredients until soft dough forms. Turn
.>>> You see it does not take a lot to have a senior feel like they are back home again. This reminder of old times, good food – can change a never want to eat senior, into a “Can we have biscuits again, tonight?” senior. Please go to my website and read about other ways to give good practical care to your senior www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks for all you do and don’t forget…even guys can bake and girls that wear high heels can do anything! Francy
→PS: Seniors taste buds dull down and they need more flavor. Use a spicy blend of seasoning on top of the cooked food – like Mrs Dash
Senior Doesn’t Want to Leave the House
by francy dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Dad just does not want to go out of the house any more. He lives alone and is really just giving up. He is 82 has heart problems that make it hard for him to walk and he is just over with doing chores and getting out the front door. What do I do now?
Well, once again there are a variety of things you can do to decide what he needs to help him get to a happier place. The first thing could be he just is unable to care for the house like he used to and he is overwhelmed with worry. But let’s don’t jump to conclusions, lets go over the list for you to review;
- Tell his doctor of his emotional problems, it could very well be that his medications for his heart are starting to effect his emotions. That happens and you need to step in and get to the doctor with him and go over what pills he has and how they work for him, so you can help make a decision on this situation. If the doctor knows he could prescribe other meds and add a med to help your dad feel less stress and worry.
- If he really can not walk, then think about a power chair for his mobility
- Next, talk to your dad, see if you can find out what route he would like to take. Give him 3 options each time you speak to him. RE: 1/Dad we could have someone come in twice a week and clean up the house & fix your meals 2/we can come over on the weekends and make sure the grass is cut and the landscaping is in order or hire it done, 3/we can look into one of those nice assisted living places that would give you a great place to live with everything done for you and you could just relax and enjoy the company. Let it all sink in…talk about it a few times and let his mind run over the ideas.
- If you feel he is ready for a retirement, assisted living, or adult care home then it’s time for you to do some looking around. I have a company that does the research for people and then we help you find a place that is the right match for your dad.Loving Memories is a free service for senior facility placement that you can check out on my website.
- In home care, can be done by a company or a private person. You might already know someone who is trained in senior care, or you might have a tight budget. But remember this is how he can stay where he is in a comfortable way. In-home care is what is needed now that he is feeling down and unable to keep up with the home and its many daily chores as well as his problems getting around the house.
- Another avenue is to have a live-in. Many times you can find a young man/woman that would like a room and a place to stay while going to school or saving for a down payment on a home. You can ask around, ask at a faith center or the local college or seminary. This way the person gets a nice place to live and in exchange for doing light house keeping, the lawn mowing and making sure food is fixed at least a couple of nights a week. Plus, they will be there at night in case your dad needs someone. You will have to do a back ground check on the person to have them in the home with your dad, you can do that by going to google and typing in your area and a back ground check and it will guide you on that. Then you have to sit down and really go over the care chores that are required so you will have a list for them to review when you interview them. I would interview them at a local coffee house and then have them come over to your dad’s for safety and privacy issues.
- If you asked for my vote, it sounds like it is time for your dad to sell the house and make a move into a nice place that he can age and be cared for at the same time. A place that will provide companionship, good food and someone to keep an eye on him. His years of worry over the house and the chores are now behind him. If he is displaying this behavior now, it will only intensify in the coming months. I know the change is hard for everyone, but think on it and take some sort of action- this is never a fun time for any family member, but action to make your dad safe and less stressed is needed.
There is never a good answer to a problem that has a difficult situation attached to it. But the steps above will give you ideas to think on and maybe one will set a spark. Be sure to take him to the doctor, that might be a big reason he is having problems. He may even have more health issues than you are aware. When older folks that do not hear well, feel unwell or are tired go to the doctor’s office alone, they miss most of what the doctor says to them.With you going with him he will have fresh ears and eyes on his health and that might really make a difference in the type of care that he will now need.
Thanks for all you do for your dad, and please go to my website and read more about Loving Memories our Senior Care Facility Placement Service and my Senior Care 101 Workbook – www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Trees a way to calm and heal
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I am going to share a little about my self today because trees came up again this weekend. We live in the northwest and our trees are deep green and tall, we have lots of Douglas Firs, cedar and pine so we have a green mantle around us all the time. You may have a small tree in your back yard or a park close by, take a walk – watch a tree – see what happens.
My people are Tree people:
In the middle of the summer of 1969 I was living in New York City, dancing with a ballet company. I had a curvature of the spine and as I danced professionally it effected the muscles. The pain would come and go, the muscles would act up now and then, but that summer - I was in very bad shape. I simply had to take a break and calm down the muscles and I flew back home for rest. I went from the busy high rise city to the quiet tree filled lanes of my home town.
Home was in Tacoma, Washington where my parents had a lovely turn of the century Queen Anne home in the North end. When I arrived I was shocked at the advancement of my father’s cancer. He had been fighting throat cancer for a few years with only radiation to help keep it at bay, in those days. He was now at home, no longer working, no longer walking well, no longer able to eat food- he had a feeding tube. Mother was working at the college as a cook and she got up very early to do the breakfast shift and came home in the afternoon. So she would put dad in the living room facing the large bay window and arrange all that he needed before she went off to work. He had a commode, water, pre-mixed food for him to administer through his feeding tube, Kleenex, and a book. She then hurried off to work and worried about him all through her working shift. Around 9am a nurse from the neighboring nursing home would arrive and let herself in and give him a morphine shot, she would check up on him and give him anything he needed and then leave. Mother knew the owner of the nursing home and as a neighbor, he sent one of his nursing staff over to help with daddy as a kindness.
That was what greeted me on my arrival and the all too quiet house. A big house that had always been filled with noise from four daughters and now their grand children. But Dad was way to ill, no one was visiting Dad. He sat alone, quiet all day, unable to talk because of his throat cancer surgery. Dad was a man that was exceptionally bright and gifted as an artist. He made furniture and upholstered for a life long living, he had been one of the first home decorators in our city creating things all his life…now he just sat, quiet.
I took over the routine of caregiver, I was 19 that summer. I had to put aside the embarrassment of the commode and learned how to assist him out of his wing chair that he sat in all day long. I learned the recipe for his food mixture and knew how to clean out his trachea tube, it was not pleasant, but when you have someone you love that is sick – the details of care, simply go away and you concentrate on making them comfortable and giving them ways to find happiness – even if it’s in small moments.
It was a few days before we both settled into a routine and I soon would sit by him reading and writing letters to my NYC friends. I had the radio on some times, but most of the time it was quiet. Dad wrote notes all day…funny notes, sad notes, mad notes, help notes…it was an odd way of communicating. Just recently I found a box filled with his notes that mother had kept for over forty years – I have not read them, I just closed the top to the box and remembered how sad that time was for all of us.
I was feeding him one day when I first saw the trees. You see his eyes were that wonderful light grey-blue color that can reflect like a mirror. As I stood by his side holding up the feeder tube, he was looking outside as he always did and I saw the trees reflected in his eyes. I finished the feeding and cleaned the area and when I returned to sit back down I stared outside and saw the large trees across the street. Horse chestnut is what we called them, they were swaying in the wind and had a quite a rhythm going as I watched them. I looked over at Dad and he was still just involved with the trees. It was his meditation point. I asked him about it and he wrote a small note back to me, “I live with them, when I’m gone I will be with them.” He smiled and I excused myself to go and cry in the back yard.
I was there all that summer and into the fall as the tree’s leaves started to turn. It was the 19th of September that he passed that year. Every few years I drive by that house and look at the trees, they’re still beautiful, I think Dad is taking very good care of them.
I was forty when my sister found out she had cancer. It was a strange thing, she had called me on the phone and told me she was going to the doctor and there was something odd about her voice. I asked her if she wanted me to join her and we could have coffee afterwards, she said a reluctant OK and came and picked me up. After her appointment she returned to the reception area and sat next to me waiting for the doctor to instruct her on her next appointment and he came out and stood in front of us. In the middle of other patients he simply said; “You have cancer” and walked away. We bothjust sat there, not able to speak, not knowing what to do, not even feeling really- just like a scene in a movie we sat quietly together. Until I broke the silence and told her we needed to leave and we walked out the door to her car. I drove her home and we sat in her beautiful backyard and drank tea. No tears, no words- just shock. It was a horrible time for us both. She was alone with no one to care for her, I was married and worked with my husband. She needed someone to help her through the massive operation and home care…and the only person that could do it without paying for it, was me. It was the second time I gave care to someone who was terminal. It was such a sad time, she had so many needs and I had to learn so many skills to keep her comfortable. I tried so hard to make her laugh, I tried to think of funny things about the meds and the procedures and we tried to laugh all the time. But it got harder to laugh as you saw her go down in her body’s ability to function. One day I brought her a plate of crackers and cheese and put it on the table next to her. She was sitting in a favorite chair of hers and looking out the window into the back yard. I glanced at her eyes to give her a smile and there they were…the trees reflecting in her light grey-blue eyes that were so much like my father’s - all those years before. I asked her about the trees, “Do they make you feel good?” She smiled and told me that when she looked at the trees it was like they drew her in to them. She could just sit for a moment and they called to her and she instantly felt relaxed and had less pain. They made her feel comforted and left her feeling “not so alone”.
I remember going into the kitchen and crying again. The trees; they were pulling her in – that seemed to mean that we were all connected to each other. You hear about connection to all things on earth, but it’s a concept so hard to really grasp until you actually feel a kinship withsomething like a tree. My sister lasted from day of discovery of cancer to her death only five months. So much of her time in those months were in pain. There she sat, in the quiet watching the trees in her back yard, her face relaxed and eyes reflecting the leaves and branches. I came to understand the connection and respect it.
It was not until 2006 that I saw the trees reflected in my mother’s eyes. She had been living with me for a few years as I gave her full time care. She had had a series of little strokes. Her mind was still strong but her body just slowly failed her. I had taken two bedrooms in my home and given her one for her sleeping room and one for her sitting room. It was in that sitting room that mother would sit in her automatic lounger and stare out the window. Our home looks out into a ravine that was filled with Douglas firs. We see the upperparts of the trees so the view is wonderful. They’re filled with birds and the swinging of the branches in the breeze. Mother started to stare out the window about two months before she passed. She would forgo her favorite TV shows and her books and just stare out the window at the trees for hours at a time.
Mother’s eyes are like mine, green and yet the sea of green branches swinging in the wind reflected just as well in those eyes than it did in the grey-blue eyes of my dad and sister. I knew she was leaving me. I suppose it should have made me sad, angry or afraid that she was spending time with thetrees, but it didn’t. I knew she was finding calm and quiet thoughts with the trees. I knew she was sharing things that are hard to put into words and I just let her float there during the day. She passed just shy of her 100 birthday, but in her 100thyear. I was ready when it happened and both my husband and myself were by her side. The trees swooped down and took her away like in a book of fairy tales- off to be with Dad and my sister…
I use the trees myself now, I sit up on roof top deck and I just relax into the trees around me. It calms me and I feel it allows my mind to be more creative and at times I feel close to my family that has passed.
My husband, Georgie is now fighting Alzheimer’s. If he has a day that is filled with confusion, I take him up to my deck and we just sit and watch the trees. He calms down and starts to hold my hand and I feel the Georgie inside of him coming to the top again. I guess we are all Tree People…we just take time to know it.
I encourage you to spend some quiet time with trees to find a calm and safe place to go when you are in need. I wish you well and hope you will visit my web site and see the other services I offer www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
“Change” the Word sends a Chill!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcaretipswithspirit.com
Dear Francy: My mother is not coping well with any little change. It’s getting so bad, that I simply do things now without telling her. Can I help her through this?
Change, some of us will climb a steep mountain instead of facing change – I do understand but what I have been doing for a long time is trying to divert the senior’s thought pattern to the outcome of change, not the actual change itself.
Example:
- If you’re feeling that a doctor you are using is simply not working for you and you want to change. Then you put on your change hat and say; “Mom, I have found this great doctor that’s really close to us and has a wonderful referral list. I talked to a friend about him and he gives him five stars, I made an appointment and we can see how we like him.” No mention of the other doctor, if she asks, you just say we need someone for a back up just in case. Keep it calm and keep it safe.
- You know your mom has to stop driving and you are trying to ease her into the idea and she kicking her way out of it. You then put on the change hat, “Mom I was thinking that when you decide to stop driving it would be fun to give your car to one of your grand daughters. Like Shelley, she is taking that bus to work everyday and it will be ages before she can save for a car, think how special it would be for her to drive your car and keep it in the family?”
- Your dad knows that he has to stick to his diabetic diet, but he is making the change a nightmare. Off comes the son/daughter hat and on goes the change hat, “Dad, I just bought a new cookbook on diabetic cooking and it features desserts. I’m going to make you a different dessert each week. I want to start with this great pie they have on the cover.” When you get to the house with pie in hand, make sure you leave with all the cookies, candy and goodies he has stashed away. Replace them with no sugar treats and remember carbs are like sugar, so the bread needs to be wheat instead of white. But make the change out well worth the fuss!
- Your senior is really unhappy in their retirement place. A change of living is going to take place and that is a worst change of all. Change hat ready? ” Mom, I walked through a care center right by my place the other day. It is such a close drive and we could have lunch together if you were over there. I love the way they do the colors in the rooms and their food was so nice, the people are so kind and I loved it. I want you to be happy again so we can spend more time together. Let’s go over and walk through together.”
See what I mea? Always talk about a cheery outcome, not the change. Make the change, yes…but make it with a feeling of positive movement instead of leaving something good behind. Think forward and dangle a carrot. If you want a young child to eat veggies, you always dangle a carrot, like dessert in front of him/her. So do it now. When you move we will have to get you some new pillows or a couple new comfortable robes or slippers, or go over and have lunch with her each Friday and see if you can get your siblings to join you. Those are the payoffs and that is how change is done without so much fuss.
If there is a lot of fuss. The truth is, you are the caregiver and you make the decisions. Making sure they are kind and just - the decisions are on you and you have to be the “mom” here and there with no guilt attached. Just as you said no to your kids- this is a - we will do this change - to your senior. It’s the hard part of giving care. Sometimes loving care does not make you popular.
Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on my new BlogTalk Radio Show icon www.blogtalkradio.com/seniorcarewithspirit and have a listen to my radio shows. I cover, Senior Care Tips, Making the Most of Your Doctor Visits and Moving Mom out of the Family Home….it’s fun listening, I know you’ll enjoy it! The shows are on demand so you listen when ever you want to and you just click on the PLAY button…easy breezy-
Thanks for all you do for your mother…francy
Gay Seniors and Their Care Needs
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My brother is gay and has had two very long lasting relationships and now he is facing a terminal illness and he wants both of his former partners to participate in his care. It is way to complicated for me, but I have been asked to help him with this. Guidance?
OK, first take your mind off the Gay part and just see your brother with two x wives and how he might want them to be with him on and off during this time of his passing. See? That makes it easier for those that are not Gay to understand, it’s just past lovers that mean so much to the senior that they want them to be next to them during this time of transition.
Just as you would with an xWife club members, you should treat the two former partners with kindness and just ask them if either one has a problem being in the room or the home when the other is there to visit or spend time with them. It’s not a bad question, I ask that of many family members, lots of families have had disagreements and members do not get along and I try to give them time with the senior and space from the family that upsets them. I think that you will find his former partners are still caring towards him and would enjoy a routine visit.
How do you plan visits to a sick senior?
- Make sure the past is left at the door, they should be there for loving support and to talk about old times and funny things and just enjoy life, not bring up sad times.
- Timing is important. Usually a weak senior has a range of 10-25 minutes of energy to spend with someone that is just visiting and talking away- it is very tiring for the senior.
- If the person is coming to stay for a day; they will know to settle in and keep busy and the time with the senior is not spent talking all the time, but letting life unfold as it would naturally. Watching TV or movie together, taking the senior out for a walk, having lunch, talk a little and leave the room for napping for both of them. One day a week, is the most they need to give, that means that they have lots of time for sharing and not so much time that they wear out and lose the special feeling of the moment.
- No matter who it is that comes to visit. Have rules on the door that fit the situation, Do not enter if you are sick, This is a Stress Free Happy Area, Everyone Crossing this Line is a Friend and will be Treated as One – what ever you want to post. Make it light and fun, but remind them you want loving in the room not distress.
- Inform those that stay longer than a 30 minute time period what the senior can or can not do. They may not understand the senior has to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes, or has a breathing machine on for 20 minutes and can not talk during that session. Remember they are not care givers, so inform them how to lightly help and be there for support.
- Life is life and seniors that are Gay need to be visited by their Gay adopted family members. You will have to just release all of your preset ideas and know who ever calls on the phone or shows up on the door step - is a friend and should be treated with kindness and hospitably while they’re visiting your brother.
- If the Gay lifestyle bothers you, that is OK…just slip out the door and come back to check on him when needed. You are not expected to change – you are just expected to allow your brother to be all he is around his actual straight family and his adopted Gay friends and family. It is all love to him, he is the one facing illness and transition, so he needs to work through all of his own feelings and ideas.
- Ask your brother if there is a special Chaplain that he would like to have over to talk to and pray with at this time. Many times those in the Gay community have special ministers that include not exclude the Gay community from their faith groups. So, make sure his needs are being met by using someone that is special to him, not just your own family minister.
- Loving your brother has probably not meant you were exposed to his friends and his Gay culture. He knows that and he does not want you to be uncomfortable, so he would not ask you to do anything that makes you upset. So it is your place to tell him, that you love him and want him to have those around him that support and love him. Let him know you will welcome his friends and loved ones into the home or care facility with open arms and he only has to guide you with the information of how to notify them of his needs.
I know that care giving is a very difficult thing to do for anyone, but giving to your brother is such a dear thing for you to do. Thank you for your time. Would you be kind enough to visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click for the on demand radio show to hear more about care giving tips and go to products page to check out my book Care Giving 101 Workbook, that has so many helpful tips for those that do not have a background in nursing and still want to give good care to family and friends.
Thanks, francy
PS I am on twitter too @seniorcaretips
How to Clean when Flu Hits Town
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcaretips.com
Dear Francy; Dad is so fragile right now, just out of hospital – just getting his appetite back. He has cleaning girls and bath ladies and such in the house and I worry about the flu going around?
You should worry, anytime other people come into the home to clean or give care it is exposing the senior to germs. The recent flu outbreak can work around the country and usually it’s elderly and small children that are effected the most. So cleaning is what we do and we do it on an ongoing basis. I know it sounds boring but I am going to go over the different rules of keeping your home even cleaner than hospitals!
Keep it Clean- tips for you or your cleaning care or office staff:
- You will find solutions at your medical supply, beauty supply, pharmacy that are concentrated and used for cleaning surfaces. You buy these and then thin them down with water and put them into spray bottles- large or small- and they are there for you to use in your cleaning all the time. A small bottle should be by your desk to go over all the surfaces of the office like the keyboard, phone, printer and anywhere you rest your hands. Do not think you are the only one using the area, others may come by and expose it and you may pick up something from place A and move it yourself back to your place B.
- Washing solution that you can make at home is one tsp bleach with one gallon of water. This solution lasts only 24 hours. Never mix bleach with ammonia or other household cleaners such as glass cleaner, it makes a nasty gas that will sicken you.
- Bleach is what kills most germs, but some surfaces will be harmed by bleach so you can look for solutions that have other solutions and use those. I have a product called Amazing that I buy at the dollar store – it has bleach in it and I use it all over the house, all the time.
- You can also buy pop up – pre moistened- towels with bleach mixture on them. They’re easy to use and you can get them in large quantities at Walmart, Costco and other box stores. Use the towel for one area or room at a time and then throw it away. They are very easy to teach children to use in their own bathrooms and bedroom areas. I think kids need to know how not to spread germs at an early age.
- Get in a habit of using the pre moistened towels as you enter a shopping area and use a cart. Most stores have them for your use now, so go over the handle and area around the cart and throw them away. Have the small bottles of liquid cleaner in your purse, car and office desk, as well as by the side of your senior in their favorite chair. You can buy the bottles very cheap at the dollar store. Use them when you are out with kids and never eat or touch yourself without using this liquid antibacterial bottles of soap.
- Sneeze into your elbow area of your arm and do not touch your nose or eyes when you are out and about. Use a Kleenx if you need to stratch or rub those exposed areas. Many people use something like neosporin in their nose when they go out in the midst of a nasty outbreak of a bug. I have done this myself, but I have no information on the success of this action.
- Remember you want to use paper towels to do the cleaning and throw them away as you move from room to room or when they get damp. You need to dry the surface, it’s the moisture that things grow in. Regular towels can harbor the germs and move them around the house, so use paper towels to keep clean.
- Bath towels should be used and washed after someone sick has taken a shower. All towels in the bathroom are up for washing machine clean if the family is unwell and the surface of the bathroom needs to be cleaned.
- If you’re using the bleach mixture, then you need to wear rubber gloves as you clean to protect your hands. Buy rubber gloves in most grocery and large box stores. But buy just one box of both the latex and non latex and try them out and see if you show any signs of allergies. Once you know the type of rubber gloves you use best, then you can buy a large amount of them at the medical supply center or Costco. You can have the doctor actually write a prescription for them to help with the cost and if nothing else, they can come off the taxes in the medical care section for the patient/or you, if you are claiming them as a dependant.
- If you have not cleaned heavily lately, do it now. I make it a task to do the surface of the care home/nursery in the evening when every one is going down to bed. That way the day’s germs are taken care of and in the morning we start fresh all over again.
- Wash hands before and after you put on gloves. The gloves protect you from germs but touching them will bring them back onto your hands. Do not think gloves mean that you are safe from germs, you are touching the germs with the gloves and taking off the gloves is something that is taught to you in nursing aid classes. If you have not taken one, ask a nurse at the doctor’s office to show you and she will walk you through it and you will have it down in no time.
- Washing hands is done all the time and you need to get used to it if you are a mom, care giver or just live alone. The world is full of more people, more people make more germs and you are in the middle of it.
- Check out soap contents before you buy. I’m allergic to aloe and they are putting that in lots of hand soaps, so I have to be careful not to buy those. They ask you to use antibacterial soaps out of the home and regular soaps in the home. But using any soap is better than none. So buy some soft soaps at the box store and just wash your hands on a regular basis or when ever you do a task with another person or when you move from a care giving room to another.
Proper Hand Washing Guide:
- Make sure you have everything you need at the sink before you wash your hands. That would be your liquid soap, your paper towels and a trash can that is ready for you to drop the towel in to- without touching another surface. >> Use one of the paper towels to open the public bathroom door after your hands are washed clean.
- Turn on warm water and keep the water running while washing your hands, this is not a time to worry about water consumption.
- Rub palms together to make a lather. Scrub between your fingers and the entire surfaces of the hands and wrists remember under your nails. Scrub for 10-15 seconds.
- Rinse hands thoroughly by pointing fingers down so the water does not run up your wrists
- Dry hands well with paper towels that are clean and make sure they are dry, not moist. You can use hand lotion if available to prevent chapping.
- If chapping occurs then talk to the pharmacist and ask them if they think it is the soap, the gloves or just the washing? He can recommend a good moisture cream that will help your skin.
I hope this information helps you through out the full year. Winter is not the only time for germs, they lay in wait all year long. Faucets, toilet handles, light switches, door bells, all kitchen surfaces, pens and scizzors in your kitchen office area, crayons and dog toys. The list is long. But if you and your family get used to cleaning up after dinner in the kitchen and call the clean up, surface clean up as well as dish clean up, it can really help to lower the sniffles.
If you give care and you’re sick, do not go into the senior area – get help to take over your place until you’re well. You can find face masks at the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist how to use them for full effectiveness.
Please go to my website and read more information on basic care giving. I also have fun radio shows that will give you good info at http://bit.ly/F9bwQ and the informaiton on how to really give care well is in my workbook called Senior Care 101 Workbook, that you can find on the products page of the www.seniorcarewithspirit.comsite. Thanks, francy
Calming Fear when Seniors Hear Bad News
Dear Francy; My Aunt is in her late 70’s and her husband has recently died. She is so fearful, of the house, the news, her money, her health, being alone. I am finding it quite a challenge to be around her- she is so negative about her life and the fear is just eating her up. Ideas?
Yes, I know you are not living with her, but a daily call pattern could help her a great deal. If you lived with her you would set the tone for the day when you walked in the door to greet her each morning, instead do it with your phone calls. This is never an easy thing to do because it requires you to be strong and not fall into her pool of depression and fear. You simply make a plan before you call her each day. Call around 10ish your time, when you can take a five minute break from your daily job or life pattern. Have in mind what to say.
If mother was still with us, I would be concerned about all the repeated news about the Swine Flu. Mother lost relatives and her sister was sick with the Spanish Flu after the First World War, so this news would have chilled her to the bone. Being upbeat, informing but refocusing her onto other ideas, days events etc is the key.
As you walk into a care area, you always take a moment for a quick deep breath. That brings oxygen to your brain and pulls the focus into the now. It allows you to remove the thoughts you have had with other patients, family or personal thing before this moment in time. The same goes on the phone, just before you pick up that receiver you take a quick deep breath and there you are, stronger and ready for action.
Have in mind the day at hand. Here we are at the end of April, so we start to think May. May 1st was always May Day and daisy chains and May Day baskets; Mother’s Day coming up and spring time. It’s horse races at the Derby, it’s Opening Day for Boating here in the Puget Sound. There are lots to talk about and lots of ideas to share with your senior at this time of year- that can divert them away from the constant worry about bad news.
Smiling goes a long way with care for seniors, even if it’s on the phone-people “feel” smiles. You’ll be very surprised at the tone of your voice when you smile, compared to when you don’t. You can begin by using your everyday cheery voice as you plow through the verbal garbage that might be thrown your way.
You say; “Good morning hope today is finding you well. How are you feeling today?” – Keep them on course, if they say that the flu has been on the news and people are dying, no problem- you stay calm. ” I know, I have been following that information. I am very sorry so many people are worried over it. Luckily we are safe here, I have gone over all of the surfaces with cleaner and that makes it safe for us today. But how are you feeling, have you had your breakfast and morning pills?”
Address the positive not the negative. Do a chore in the room, or ask them more personal health questions on the phone. Let them vent if you wish, but let them vent for a limited time. Then turn yourself back on again. “It is almost May Day…I remember filling up baskets of flowers and then sneaking around the neighborhood and making deliveries to neighbors, ringing the bell and running away so they only found the basket on the front porch when they came to the door. That was so much fun, did you ever do that?”
Encourage the TV to be turned onto a channel that is fitting for their days viewing; food, PBS, game shows. Or get them involved with a task for the day, bring them laundry to fold, or take them outside for a short walk or sunshine. Come up with a few ideas and ask them which they are going to do. Taking their mind off the fear and onto a task, chore, or new thought pattern should be the plan.
If they are fearful of living alone, then get a good alarm system for them. Or add a lifeline or cell phone service so they can call for help at any time. After a six month wait, suggest a new home to be around others of the same age that will keep them going and happy. If they have had years of caring for a spouse, suggest a transition to helping others in a local charity situation. Volunteering at a pet shelter, or food bank – keep your mind creative and see what suggestions hits the mark. You may have to take them to a senior center for the first time, but they will learn to have new friends and start to “refocus” on friends and activities.
Money is money, you cannot make it go away…so making sure they have a good firm grip on their money – you can introduce them to a 3rd party person that could explain investments, income, bills and help make plans to cut the budget down. If the house has to be sold to give a better life without stress, then that thought pattern has to be planted and let it grow over time. Time to think things through is so important when you are dealing with anyone of maturity.
I always make sure I give attention to fears. “I’m sorry you feel so worried over that, but let’s work together to think of ways to make it easier for you.” That way they know you are listening to them, but just not falling into the fear pool with them. Asking professionals to come in and give advice is so helpful. A good family counselor can help with grief or a free grief support group can do the same thing. A few classes in changing insurance companies for car and health at the senior center will inform them of how costs can be cut and still have good coverage. There are always ways of handling fear.
*Bringing the fear out in the open to discuss but not give it power.
*You can bring in ideas to divert their thoughts of fear with ideas of current events and friends that can bring them companionship.
*You will be able to bring thinking and patience into play for them.
That’s why senior, family and spouse care givers are so valuable- they can change an ordinary life into a life of quality. I thank you for all you do for your senior. It can be a hard road and very lonely. Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on the daily blog called Dear Francy for more tips, I have a click for on demand radio show that I do each week, and my special free service called Loving Memories serving you and your family to help find just the right care facility for your senior when those needs are required. If you are just starting to give care I have written a how to called Care Giving 101 Workbook that can really give you a lot of ideas of how to give care. I am also on Twitter @seniorcaretips
Thank you, francy
Keep Seniors Thinking and Talking!
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My uncle is really getting boring and out of it. I go and visit and he just sits there, no nothing out of his mouth. I know he wants me to visit, but I just cannot have a conversation with him. Do you have some thoughts on this sort of thing?
Yes, you have to keep him talking. If you sat in a room all alone, you would find it hard to come up with conversational topics so it’s up to you to bring them to him. When you visit think, what can we do or talk about this time and then go visit. Being prepared makes the visit so much more fun for you and for him.
Ideas to Keep Seniors Thinking & Talking:
- There are so many sites on “what happened this day in history” type of information. It makes it very fun to use as a tool. You go to the sites and they can range from local, state, US or worldwide and they quote things that happened years ago in history. This sort of thing often has pictures too. You choose one that you think your senior will be pulled toward and print it out. This will bring out the conversation from the get go.
- Even seniors with dementia often have very solid memories of their past history. If you bring up a question that happened in their lifetime they will respond. This is especially fun for young people doing history projects. Adding in the family memories is worth extra marks and will give them the family memory to carry forward in their own life. Like; “Grandpa, where were you when Pearl Harbor hit the radio news?” They will always have a great answer. My mother was going to the bathroom! She could hear the report on the radio and she was literally sitting on the toilet. Not fancy, but a very real experience. She immediately called Dad at work and he came home to be with her. It was a very traumatic event for everyone that was living at the time. Her memories of that moment stayed with her all her life.
- How about questions about family? A big family box of old pictures could be a real send off for many older folks. They can go through the pictures and you can write down the names. This way, the box is not filled with strangers with no meaning. It comes alive with family names and memories.
- Magazines that are on special topics. If the senior was a retired nurse, you might find a mag that has the latest medical updates for her to look through. Maybe not exciting to you, but a fun read for her. If your uncle always loved baseball, there are loads of baseball books and mags that could set off his memories and start the conversation.
- Local event and construction updates. This may seem silly to you, but those people that have lived in a town all their life and now are stuck at home or in a care facility love knowing about the changes. You can talk or take a quick cell phone pic of a local project being built. This is something my mother loved to hear. We had a wonderful second Narrows Bridge being built, toward the end of her life. We would drive her by to watch it as we took her to doctor visits and then later we took pictures to show her when she was in her bed full time.
- I took down our Christmas cards and the list- sat next to her. I wrote a name on the card and I would ask mother what she wanted to say to them. She enjoyed sending them a quick message or memory about their parents in years gone by. It was really a fun time for both of us. I got my cards done, she got connection with family. I took a picture of her holding the card and smiling and I printed a bunch of small photos to tuck into the card. Everyone wrote back. If you only do emails…then do a pic of your senior and ask them about a favorite holiday memory and put them both onto your holiday email out to the family and friends.
- I kept a calendar and each week we would go over what was happening. Did she have a family birthday that needed a card? I got a load of cards at the Dollar store and kept them in a folder for her. I would pull one out and we would address it. If it was a young grandchild she would tuck in a dollar. It made her feel in the know and happy. Being involved…it makes life so much richer.
- Upcoming family dinner or holiday dinner? I would ask her what she always made for the event, or what her favorite dish was and then I would make it for her. She loved that. She felt like she made it and if she could not attend the event, I took a snapshot of the dish so she could see how well it was received.
- The House needs a repair? Talking over the problem and taking a cell pic of it and then reviewing it with a guy that has spent his life doing home repairs is a great thing to do. I remember we had a problem with a broken outside hose pipe. I went and talked about it to my uncle who did loads of plumbing and he came up with a quick and easy fix. He was happy to help, I was thrilled!
- Find a great video online that you could share. Take your lap top and let your senior see the different things it can do. You can visit an old home on Google earth and see it from street view. You can play a YouTube video from the old Johnny Carson – Tonight Show days, you can click on a NFL game from 1962 and watch the past. It’s all there for you to share.
- Take over a new gadget to get working. Show the senior your new cell phone, video camera, or iPod and let them know what it does and why you use it. They will enjoy the new toy and you will get the manual read!
Ideas never end, each family, each senior comes with their own set of interests and regional special events and news. I know you will have a better time with your visiting if you just give it a pre-visit think over. But I want to thank you for visiting. Your Uncle has very few visitors and you mean a lot to him. Even if he does not express it (or if he hardly remembers your name) it’s the “in the now” experience that you gift to him. Thank you for that.
Please do go and enjoy my website information at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and look under Products for my workbook called Care Giving 101 Workbook, it has so many tips to help you with giving care to your senior. While you’re on my web site – click in and listen to my on-demand radio shows, I love doing them! Thanks, francy
Seniors in Care Facilities – Tips for Visits and Safety
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: Mom in-law is in care facility and we’re visiting twice a week. It’s clean and she seems well fed but angry. Her dementia is still raging and she took a fall out of her bed and hit her head two days ago. How can I help keep her safe and sound in the care facility?
Here are a few tips:
- Visiting twice a week is very good. Change your days and your times, so you’re there, but not on a routine. That way you can see the progression of the daily care staff, as the weeks go by.
- Check the facility for being clean, the patient room, the eating facility and the public rooms are easy to see. But a walk down the hall will show you how the storage closets are kept orderly, the shower area clean, how the kitchen is run and the pill dispensing cart is being used. You just observe, even if you know nothing about care giving – you will see that organization is the key to good care, and cleanliness is right behind. If you have a question – ask the management about the staff, not the staff. It keeps the resentment from the questioning from reflecting on your senior’s care.
- Do not be afraid to ask for a review of a fall. It should be logged in and reviewed by the staff. If it’s a staff problem you need them to make adjustments to the procedures in the facility and make sure they adjust the monthly payment to reflect any incident that caused harm to the patient. If it’s the patient that is being unwise in their movements or manners, then review how the care staff can make changes to avoid a repeat of the problem.
- Take treats into the staff. This is open to what you like to do yourself. But once a month, I would bake brownies or cookies, or stop off at a special candy store and gather together some treats. You could buy some expensive coffee beans for the lounge or bring root beer and ice cream for a treat in the summer. Be creative, but be smart. Drop them off at the nursing lounge with a thank you card that has the patient’s name and your name. This goes along way for the staff to know you care about them and in turn they will care about you and your senior patient.
- If the patient has dementia/Alzheimer’s let the staff know the real patient as you do. Take in pictures of the patient when they were young and first married, have a little label with names of spouse and family in the picture. Make a copy of a college degree or service certificate, so others visiting for the first time see that a very valuable person is inside of that patient. Honoring who a person is, inside, makes the current situation more understandable to strangers.
- See if you can surround the senior with things that bring a feeling of home. A favored piece of art on the wall and a small shelf with bits and bobs from their collection. A throw that was crocheted by the senior or a book that has always been a favorite. Things from the past will surround a person and give them a feeling of safety. Ask about the rules of the facility and then make the creative side of you bring just the right stuff in to the room to perk it up!
- Always ask the senior what they did yesterday?? Have them tell you what ever they remember. It’s important to take note. If they are abused or do not like things, it will come up in one of these conversations if you keep asking. You can hear what is bubbling inside of them, what bothers them or makes them happy. You do not need to worry about the details; just the feelings you get from the senior.
- Food treats for seniors. If a senior does not have a food restriction, then do bring along something special for them. They may love some chocolate, cracker jacks, or a dinner of food from your family heritage. Heritage food is lost in care centers and still is so important to the senior.
- A small covered jar of wrapped hard candy for visitors or care staff is always a nice lure to get them into the room to check up on the senior
- Take a container of those cleaning wipes and each time you visit. Take them out and go over public surfaces around the senior’s room. A double protection against germs is always good.
- Make sure the senior has a way to call home. If you need to put a large printed sign with your phone number taped to their room phone, do it. If they want a cell phone and are able to use it wisely, do it. They need to have a way to feel connected, not dumped. If that is hard to do, then make a quiet evening time call each night. Set a time that is good for you both and just make it an evening call each evening. The repeat of the calls is what the senior will feel – they can count on you is what they will think. Those are good things.
- Check the senior for signs of red marks on their skin and ask each week if any skin irradiation has shown itself during the week. That is a very important point. Hot spots on older skin are hard to heal, if you catch them before they happen it makes life easier. The skin will show if the staff is not moving the patient around, bathing them carefully, or changing their bladder control products on time. Each time they do a bath, they will make note of the skin problems, you can ask to see that chart and take note that there are none. If they have them, then ask how they are being treated and stay on top of it until it is healed. If it repeats often, there is a care giving problem to be addressed.
- Bladder infections or UTI’s are very common in seniors in care. You want to make sure they have cranberry pills added to their daily intake and you want to know that the infection is being treated, but the cause is researched and addressed.
- Just because the senior is in care, does not mean they cannot add supplements. You can talk to their doctor and supply the supplements for daily dispensing. Turmeric is very popular for dementia and infection treatment…our doctor just added it to the OK list and mom was able to enjoy the supplement each day.
- Remember, the facility wants to have you in charge and up to date, they want you to be involved, so do speak up. Read about your senior’s care and bring up the ideas you gather during the family meetings at the care center. You can have a monthly meeting at the care center if you like. I love them, you keep up with their ideas and how things are going – good stuff.
Hope these ideas help you with your care for your senior in a care center. It is always a hard choice to make when you place them in care. I have a free service for families called Loving Memories it helps family place seniors in good care facilities. We review the senior and their needs and then find a care facility that meets those needs. I also have care tips, workbooks, on demand talk show information and just all around good stuff on my website. Please do visit www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Gift Ideas for Seniors in Care
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: Mom is very picky and wants to go out to breakfast on Mother’s Day. My family wants to take me out for a lunch and go to a movie. How do I do both?
You don’t, your mom can have a wonderful breakfast on Saturday morning. She will understand that Mothers Day is any day that she is given love from her children. Invite your siblings and make the breakfast fun. You could have your family be at the restaurant and then you take her in for a surprise. The breakfast or lunch is enough. If you need to add anything else get her a wrist corsage, she can wear it all day long.
Other Tips for Gifts for Seniors in Care and at-home:
- Small flower bouquets are best, usually there’s a space limit so a small glass container with a few lilacs or garden flowers are just as sweet as a big bouquet. I love the wrist corsage, my mother used to just love them. She would wear it for a couple of days, putting it in the refrigerator at night. They do have fancy fruit and cookie bouquets, but seniors do not eat the volumes that we do and they can go unused.
- A nice covered glass dish with handle filled with a favorite treat. Like crackers, chips, popcorn, etc.
- Bulletin board that is covered in a print with ribbon crossed on a diagonal is a perfect project for family members. Fill it up with the senior’s cards and pictures and place it right across from their bed. You can always use a special wall mount with removable backing so you do not hurt the care center walls.
- Cleaning your pet and bringing them in for a special treat, many seniors miss their family pets and a good hug goes a long way
- One of the great new picture viewers filled with the older family pictures. This makes the project good for you to scan and capture old photos for the family and share them with Mom or Grandma. They have these views large, med and even small on a key chain. They hold lots of pictures and do slide shows as you press the button.
- She loves cards; get her a hand held game machine for cards from the larger box stores like Walmart. Most are easy to use and you just load it with batteries and off they go. They can play blackjack or poker from their bed or chair. The audio can be turned off and the games are easy to hold and usually from $10-$30
- A guest book, if a senior forgets who’s visiting – you can make a guest book asking the guests to sign their name and date of visit and add a little note. When the senior says; “No one every comes to visit, me” You can open the book and read the names and sweet messages
- If they love puzzles like crossword, then take a look at all the things you can buy for crossword puzzles. You can go online and print them out and find crosswords designed for different hobbies and interests like quilting, gardening, politics, etc. Great for the brain and passing time Add an easy to use pen and there you go, you’re leaving fun behind
- Small manicure set that will fit into your bedside table or basket, a large scale mirror X7 is great. Lip balm, small hand cream, hand cleanser all small enough to fit into that drawer or basket she has by her side.
- Cable TV expansion for movies – most care centers have cable but they do not have the extension for Show Time and you can ask if it is available and then add it for a three month period at a time. If she leaves the center, gift it to her roommate.
- Hard of hearing, you can add a bedside phone that is made for hearing challenges and program in a few numbers. This is such a lovely treat when someone can hardly hear anything on the phone
- Have some talent with nails? Give her a bedside manicure, with a warm cloth and a good nail file. Then brighten her up with some spring time polish. Nothing like a good nail polish to lift a gal’s spirits!
- New slippers and a new house coat or easy to wear sports pants and top. Whatever is easy for her to wear, is what you need to bring her. Many times they cannot button, so you have to get a zipper, often they can dress over their head and often the pants have to be loose to work with bladder control products. So keep it all in mind, but a nice new outfit always hits the spot
- Seniors are always cold, if you find an extra fuzzy, bright and fun throw – that’s the ticket. Then remember to take it home every few weeks to give it a good wash.
I hope this information is helpful for you. To think about someone being stuck in a room on their own is not easy. But so many little things can bring them joy. Please go and visit my website and enjoy my on-demand talk shows with more tips, and my workbook written for Care-Giving 101 Workbook it will give you a lot of guidance on in-home care. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
7 Easy Meal Recipes for Shut-in Seniors
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My Dad simply will not eat any of the food that they deliver to him. I have tried to buy him good frozen dinners -he hates them. How can I help him eat well at home?
I have a few ideas from my days going through the same thing with my mother. She loved to cook, but her last few of months living on her own left her to weak to cook. But some times it’s good just to know that a home cooked meal will arrive once or twice a week. If you’re alone or cook for a family a good dinner that’s made in the slow cooker or on Sunday when you have time - will go a long way. The key will be you making a week’s menu andputting it on the refrigerator. That way the senior knows what to eat each day. I used a piece of masking tape on the different microwave reheat containers with numbers and then put the numbers next to the menu days. If they have to add something like fresh salad to his reheat dish, then just add it to the menu list. Be sure to put the re-heat microwave time next to the meal so he does not over cook. He will be involved but it will be easy and taste good to him.
If you are able to give him one day a week of a few hours you can pre-fix 7 easy meals. It will take time to shop and time to pre-cook. But the meals are designed to be fast prep and healthy. You’ll need a few good re-heat Rubbermaid type of containers so its easier for him to grab, nuke, add the salad sides and eat! I would do it at his place so he sees you cooking and appreciates your time and he can enjoy the smells from his kitchen. I have the shopping list at the end.
- 1st dinner/ Buy a pre cooked roasted chicken – this is good for 2-3 meals. You prep them like this. Slice one breast and dark meat piece and heat with mashed potatoes and gravy from the deli section of the store (buy small container) If there are left overs store for lunch next day. Mark the menu for your dad to add in some carrot salad (or Jello salad) from the deli section (small container) after he has microwaved the dinner. Left overs can be a possible lunch
- 2nd Dinner/Take the other chicken breast and slice it up and toss with Ranch Dressing. (This is for the inside of 2 torteas.) Add one chopped Roma tomato to the shredded chicken breast, sprinkle with shredded cheese – roll tight and store in wax paper. This makes a good dinner it goes into the microwave for 3 min to heat. He can add a side of his carrot or Jello salad.
- 3rd Dinner/Dinner from your place/ One good weekly meal that you served your family and set aside a portion for the senior. It could be a nice soup, chile, stew or roast. This is the best dinner he will get so make sure it has gravy and plenty of spice to make it tickle his palette. You can find ideas on Slow Cooker Meals added to your IGoogle page/its an application for your home page. 1-2 servings
- 4th Dinner/Fish – a small one meal piece of whte fish that’s easy to cook fast. Put in a covered micro container to steam. Be sure to add Ranch dressing, chopped green onion and squirt with lemon juice before you steam the fish. It will cook in about 3-4 minutes. Take out and cool then place on the reheat plate and add a side of Rice a Roni type of rice mix. Pick a fresh green veggie that you will steam for two dinners. You can use broccoli or asparagus. Steam it up in the microwave with plastic on top and a little water in the casserole dish. Add a sprinkle of flavored herb mix like Mrs. Dash on top and a dollop of butter or marg. This will be used for the fish and another dinner
- 5th Dinner/Left over chicken pieces a leg, thigh and wing. Put on a micro dish and cover top with BBQ sauce to give the chicken a different flavor. Add a side of baked beans and another helping of green salad that you buy pre-mixed.
- 6th Dinner/This meal is a fried meal. You can choose for him/1 hamburger steak or 2 pork chops. Either one is cooked the same; open the meat and let set while you’re doing the rest of the meals. Heat the oil and rub or dip meat into flour and then fry in oil. You will put salt, pepper, and always use paprika and a steak spice mix on them as they cook and you turn them over after they brown. Sprinkle spice/herbs on top of them as you turn them. If it’s pork chops; brown them and put some jam on the top or a squirt of maple syrup and add 1/2 cup of water – cover for 20 minutes on a low bubble. If it’s the hamburger steak than you want to dab a little BBQ sauce on the top and cover for an additional10 minutes on low. This meal is served with the rest of the Rice a Roni type of mix and the rest of the green veggies that you have pre-cooked.
- 7th Dinner/Buy the fresh pasta(ravioli) and the Tomato Sauce in the deli section. They come in pre-pared containers. You can add the ravioli to the place and put the tomato sauce on top and add a sprinkle of Parmesanon top. You will put a side of Italian spice bread on the side. You can find the bread all pre-herbed with garlic and such in the frozen section.
- Add in a good selection of fruits, yogurts, nutritional drinks and sweets for the in betweenfood. Make sure his morning is started with a good cereal served withVanilla Silk (soy-milk). Have some pretzels, and some gummy bears for him to enjoy and snack. If you choose the better snacks he will have a better choice of good foods for his day.
Your Shopping list: You may have to shop for spices or condiments that you like to use when you cook- to put in his cupboard.
1 fully cooked chicken (the kind they roast at the grocery store)
1 hamburger steak or two pork chops
1 piece of white fish that is large enough to serve the senior
1 package of Rice A Roni (Chicken flavor type of rice mix)use for 2 dinners
1 small mashed potato container from deli section
1 small chicken gravy container from deli section
1 small carrot salad from deli section (2 dinners)
1 large pre-mixed green salad from the salad section so this will be a side for two dinners
1 BBQ Sauce – I like to use the honey BBQ
1 Ranch dressing
1 can of Baked Beans for one dinner – use rest for a lunch
1 bunch of broccoli or other green veggie to steam for 2 dinners
2 Roma tomatoes
1 bunch of green onion
1 RealLemon – lemon juice to have in the senior’s refrigerator
1 serving of deli prepared ravioli
1 serving of tomato sauce from right next to the pastas in the deli section
1 container of Parmesan cheese
1 frozen package of pre-herbed and garlic bread that has individual pieces
These are meals that are easy to pre-pare, take very little cooking and just need you to be solid on getting it all done in one full swoop. Think fast and think easy. Buy most of the things pre-cooked or packaged and then the prep time is less. It’s never fun cooking in a strange kitchen, but take note of what he needs and just add it to the shopping list. As you’re in the kitchen go through the refrigerator and cupboards and throw the old spices and mixes, condiments and baking things that are no longer going to be used. You do not want out of date items on the senior’s shelves.
Please do come and visit my website www.seniorcareforseniors and get more information and tips for senior care. I have a great Care Giver 101 Workbookthat will really help to guide you in the care giving of your senior or spouse.
Thanks francy
Join me on Twitter @Seniorcaretips
10 Ideas to Help Senior Spouse Care Givers
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My husband came home last week from hospital. He had a stroke and is now recovering. He went into a care facility for only two days and hated it and demanded he be home again. I’m way over my head and heard about your blog- Help!
First, I’m very sorry you are both going through this health challenge. You will see in my many blogs that as a person who has spent many years as a full time care giver – now, caring for my husband with Alzheimer’s/dementia – I feel very strongly about being the lead in the Health Care Team between my husband, the doctor and me. I’m the care giver and I do most of the work and I am clear headed, therefore I get to make the rules and the rules have to include my own (as well as my senior’s) good health, energy and happiness. The senior in care comes first, but just like raising children – the mom/spouse care giver has to take charge and stay strong.
Here are some ideas just to begin your process.
- Get a formal Health Care Directive in place that shows that you can make health decisions for your spouse. It will also give you the ability to ask for his medical information. You do this by filling out a form (from office supply store or software called Family Lawyer) Have it notarized and then you make copies for Dr’s and hospitals, so you are able to be in charge as your spouse’s health team partner.
- Talk to the doctor about having a Physical Therapist helping you at home. In-home care of professionals and care givers is really important when you’re just “at the beginning stage” of a health challenge. You will be helped and you will learn from them. Don’t try to do it alone, even if your senior is demanding privacy. Stick up to your own needs, get a team in place. Therapists, care givers, bath people all of them are there for you to use. At least for the first few months while your senior is adjusting to his recovery.
- Emotional changes happen when a senior is recovering from a stroke. Their mind has been affected and it will show signs of change. Those changes may heal with time, but it takes loads of time. So if you feel your senior shows signs of anger issues, confusion issues, and speech or memory changes – share it with the health care professionals. Do not be afraid to share these changes with doctors and care givers, it’s not a private issue when you are on a health care team. It is reporting serious change that can be treated with therapy or medications.
- Keep a notebook with a daily log. Write down the pills that are given and the time, any response to the medication, the emotional and physical changes you notice.
*Example: George was starting to shuffle in his walking with his dementia; I reported that to his neurologist on our next appointment. Dr changed his meds and 24 hours after the new meds were taken, George was walking normally again. You keep the running tab of things that seem out of place as well as things that go well. So you are prepared to talk to the medical professionals and get them to join your team and all of you will work towards your husband’s recovery. - Sit down with your husband and go over rules of the road. Just like you would with any teen ager -there are house rules to establish. The medications have to be taken on time each and every day. Exercise will be done in the morning and evening, no matter what is going on. Visitors will only stay 30 minutes and then off they go so they do not wear down the senior. Getting dressed, using the walker, practicing their speaking, and eating good food is not a choice it is a requirement. It may sound dreadful to have to go over everything, but this is what has to be done to get him well.
* Yes, you will find your relationship does take a change. But it is all for the betterment of your senior and to their good health. If you have been the passive person in the marriage/relationship then you will learn to be assertive, because that is what is required during this healing time. - Go online and read about your spouse/senior’s condition. You will find so much information. There are chat rooms filled with folks walking in your footsteps, so join them. Twitter me at @seniorcaretips. Do not be alone. Do not be afraid. Sure life is great when both parties are well and happy, but real life comes with bumps. Just know that learning about how to give care and what is required of you means getting answers from those that have gone through a similar recovery. It will make you strong.
- Who is in charge?
I had to change my own health care directive a few months ago. I removed my husband’s name and put down my sister as my Power of Attorney for health care. It was so hard to do. My hubby has treated me as a princess for over 30 years. But, he has dementia; he cannot make decisions for his own health now, let alone my health. So the change had to come.
Change, it is always foreboding. Facing tough decisions with your spouse/senior is a very hard thing to do. But you will do it. There are no bad decisions in health care, there are just different choices. You’ll listen to your spouse/senior, listen to the health care people and your own inner voice and then you will decide on a treatment that makes sense to you. - Family members are loving and want the best. But they are not there giving care-you are! You’re there giving care 24/7. You do not go home at night or take the day shift only. You are there day after day and you know how your spouse/senior is doing. You can see the changes for good and bad and you have to trust your own decisions. You will find that family will try to guide or lecture you. That is fine, hear them out, but remember you are in charge and you are going to make the decisions. To go against what you feel is right because a son, daughter or Uncle has forced their opinion on you – is not right. You have to be strong and have faith in your own choices. The health care team: You, your spouse and your doctor.
- Set up your home for recovery. A bed may have to be moved, a walker, bath chair and commode may have to be added and used. Just remember, that the old way of life is on hold while your spouse/senior recovers. Think care giver thoughts and keep things cleaner than normal, be more organized, and follow health care instructions to the tee. Do not allow the spouse/senior to make the rules, remember? Their recovery is going to take you to be strong and follow the health care professional’s suggestions, not his.
* My husband’s good friend got a knee replacement and went to the therapist and did all the exercises- totally recovered with good speed. His second replacement- a few years later- he did not go to therapy, he thought he knew how to do it on his own. He has never recovered and limps. He told me he thought he only had a few years left to live, now ten years later, he’s very unhappy about the choices he made.
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You, you are the “it girl” now. The spouse that is well is left to be the spouse/senior in charge of the health care plan. It is not easy and can be very emotional. So, what does that mean? You need to reach out and talk. Talk to a support group online or in a group by your home, to your family or best friend. You need to eat well, drink water like a mad person, and sleep. If you do not sleep at night, then take naps. You have to stay strong, and that means you need to walk away every week. Walk out of the house for a walk around the block, a drive to meet a friend for coffee or shopping. Get out and get a fresh look at the world. Your strength is going to help your spouse/senior to gain strength again.
*I always keep a diary to express myself. I write three things that made me happy today and three things that upset me today. After just a few days- you can look back and see the things that bother you or that bless you. After a couple of weeks you can even look back and say – “Hey, I have to stop letting that word, or person or action bother me. Or I have to order more chocolate ice cream because it always makes me happy.” It’s my own self help- and it has carried me through years of care giving.
This is just the beginning. There is always more and please take time to read more of my blogs and join me with my on demand talk shows on all sorts of senior care issues at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/SeniorCareWithSpirit
I have so much info to help you on your care giving adventure. I even wrote a Senior Care-Giver 101
Workbook to make the check off lists of daily tasks and how to give care and home nursing techniques easy for you. The workbook is at http://www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
click on Products.Thanks for all you do for your husband and for reading the post. Blessings, francy
Smart Tips for Just Retired Seniors
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I just retired and my kids want me to babysit my granddaughters, my husband wants to by an RV and I just want to rest for a while. What do your seniors say?
They say, “None of the above!”
After talking to so many seniors about their early retirement; lots have told me that’s where they made some errors in judgment, just because of the reasons you stated. Everyone else has ideas for you and you have to be the one to make the decisions about your own life path. All these years you have done things for a work, home, family, children, spouse – now it’s YOU time.
So here are some tips to follow and see where they lead you:
- Do not make a big move in your first 6mos -1yr of retirement. Just let the dust settle. If you really have a move in mind, spend that time sorting your old life and selling things from the house and getting your mind in a place that you can walk away without regret.
- If you do move keep one foot on your home base. Lots of seniors run down to sunny climates and begin their play time. Nothing wrong with that, but if you become unwell, lose a spouse or just age to the point you need assistance (we all do you know) then what? Will your children or family be able to care for you miles and miles away? So, the idea is maybe keep a small home, condo or even some things you do not want to move in a storage unit. That way you can rent them out to make the payments and then have a place (or things) that are easy to return to if you need to make that change in the future.
- If you do go on an RV trip, keep your home. I have talked to dozens of RV’rs that love their life. But they have been so upset making a complete cut from their things back home. It sounds great to just hit the road, but in time, you will want to settle in somewhere. If you keep your things in storage you can retrieve them at will. If you need to settle into an RV park most find a trailer is easier for long term living than a motor home. If you have plenty of money, no worries, but those that I talked to were on a very strict budget and it was hard for them to change their mind in mid-stream.
- Think things through for a 5-10-20 year plan. You may think that a good ten years of retirement is what you will get in life. But the world is changing more and more folks live into their 100’s. You need to sit down with family and have a plan:
Example: 5yr/stay in family home and travel in RV – 10 yr/Purchase a home that is long term retiree – 20yr/know that you may need assistance to stay in your home, or move to a retirement center, small apartment or live with your children. Think about your choices and what you want will be able to afford. - Prepare your future first: Get your will, your health care directive and insurance papers all in order, copied and give to your children for reference. Get a good inventory program (this one is free http://www.iii.org ) and take pictures of your things from room to room. Use this for insurance and your will gifting or remembrance. Take time to mark your things for family and friends add that listing into your will papers. Talk about your wishes for funerals and get the expenses figured out or prepaid. All of this can be done in the first few months of your retirement and then the nasty subjects of old age are behind you and you can run with the wind at your back.
- Decide what you like to do and do it. Start to make a list for you and with your spouse of things you love to do but really never had time to do. Some call it a “bucket list” – I call it a fun guide of your retirement. Then when you start to hit the road to travel you have your favorite hobbies or interests right by your side to guide you. This should be done in a spiral notebook kept on the counter in the kitchen. Each partner should jot down things they enjoy as they think of them and then in a couple of months sit down and really look at it and see what each of you desires today and in the next few years.
- Talk to your children and set rules about Grand Parents. What are you really willing to do? Maybe a once a week babysit or on sick days you go over and take care of the grand or great grand kids. Maybe one full weekend a month you take the grand children to give your kids a rest. But make the deal your deal. Make it a way to enhance your children’s lives, not make their life easy breezy at your expense. So many seniors work as day care for their kids, but then they get stuck. If you do take on the care giving, add the time frame. I will do this for three months, or every six months we will re-visit this and see how I feel about it.
- Life is short, live it. My mother and dad spent their whole life talking about what they would do when they retired. They had little money and no time, so the future wishes were safe for them to make. The bump? Dad died at 62 and never got to retire. Mother told me she thought she would live just a few years more, but she lived 38 years after he passed. That is a lot of alone time. So, take advantage of retirement while you and your spouse or both well and together. Yes, grandchildren and family are important, but so is your time together.
- Haven’t done anything with each other for a while? Take a class. I find this is the first thing that will bring an older couple together. Dance class, stained glass window class, how to fly fish class, boating safety class- whatever hits your buttons. Maybe each one of you choose and both of you attend both classes. Senior Universities are cropping up all over the country. They’re free classes given in retirement communities by retired professionals with a wide verity of backgrounds. They are fun, they are usually free or nominal and you can really enjoy the information and get a new outlook on life.
- Computer working well for you? Got a Blackberry, know how to text? You might want to find a senior center in your area and join a FREE Computer Club. I worked with a PC Club for years giving free – how-to classes. It was fun for me and fun for my seniors to learn all about the Internet and the new gadgets and just enjoy life online, instead of barely using your computer – Worse yet, think you can live without one? If the world is over taken with computers and gadgets today – what will happen in 10-20 years? You will be older and more of life with revolve around new tech. Get on the band wagon, do not feel dumb, feel empowered with new information and enjoy the connections like Twitter. I am @seniorcaretips on Twitter and its filled with terrific people giving me powerful information about my life and business on a daily basis. Don’t be shy, join us!
- Don’t be embarrassed about “senior” as your new title. So what? Life moves on and you are moving and grooving with it, right? Ask for those senior discounts they make a huge difference in your spendable income. We are using Shari’s web site and George gets his free pie coupons and I get a two for one dinner coupon and their Honor Points. You can find the info on their website https://www.sharis.com/ Just one among many companies that know that senior power means money and they are willing to give discounts and free incentives. Coupons may have seemed below you when you worked and were so busyà now a little clipping for an extra $20-$40 dollar savings on your groceries means you can go out to dinner and still be on budget. Remember, always ask for the senior discount, when buying food, services or products – get in the habit and I will assure you 10-20% will be your min. savings overall. Kool!
- Buying big ticket items turned out to be a no-no for seniors. They thought that a top of the line, new car, all paid for would be perfect for them for the rest of their retirement with less driving. But 10 years down the road they needed a new car. They bought a new RV vehicle instead of a good used one and it deprecated fast. You have to force yourself to think “long term” and live “long term”
- Another problem, new retirees bought a smaller home that was modest for retirement, but did not plan for long term. 10-15-20 years later the roof, the carpet and other major repairs are needed and they do not have the money to make that happen. If you plan a retirement home, make it long term. One story, good flooring that will hold though the years, a safe and easy to use bathroom and shower, a yard that is not too big and a roof and siding that will last. Don’t forget enough bedrooms and baths so you can have a roommate or care giver in the future. Think down the line, when you are older and unable to pack up and make another move. Get your retirement home in place with the idea you may be there till you are in your mid 90’s. You may not have a spouse and be living there on your own. That gives you a different eye on things when you look for your new home.
- Join AARP, they are the largest senior organization and they represent millions of older Americans. They offer lower fees on insurance, medical supplies, and traveling discounts. They have millions using their service so you get discounts that can really keep you aligned for future drops in your income.
- Take a safe driver’s class. I have taught safe driving classes for the last four years. I love them, the seniors that take them get a discount on their insurance and it bubbles up the defensive driving techniques that we all know, but are stored way in the back of our brains. Good for everyone over 50! Don’t forget to add Road Side Service to your insurance listing. You do not want to be stuck on the side of the road and pay for a tow or tire change!
- Seniors living with roommates. If you are in a larger home and do not want to move, maybe the idea of a roommate to help with the costs will be just right for you. George and I invited my dear friend into our home. We have a full downstairs with bedrooms and bath. She was on her own and could not afford a lot of rent and with G’s Alzheimer’s we could use the extra income. We now are living as a family and it has been very rewarding for us all. Think on this, it might make a big difference if you are single and want to keep that family home for a few more years!
- Think medical care, do you have long term insurance, do you have your doctors in order and your list of Rx all ready to take with you on the road? Think of things that may not affect you today, but might mean your whole quality of life in a few years. Example: using a nationwide drug store chain for your Rx means you can fill it in any city you visit, instead of trying to have the pills mailed.
- Change your habits over to email and text with a cell phone that will inform you of incoming messages. That way you will stay in touch with people where ever you are located. You could be on a trip to Reno or in your backyard and you will know how to call for help and receive family updates. Buy a GPS Garmin type of gadget that shows you the way home from anywhere in the world. That way you never have to use a map or hear, “Where are we?” again.
- Watch your food intake. Staying at home, by the kitchen, can mean your weight goes up with the amount of easy snacks or boredom. Take up a new walking routine, join the senior center or Y and have fun with a senior exercise program 2-3 times a week. Those things are so good for you and your spouse plus they add new friends to your new way of life.
- Dedicate yourself to having good check-ups. You have been too busy for doctor visits in the past, now that is behind you. Do not be afraid to face your body and what it holds. Living long and living well are two things that need to go together. Get your breast, your heart, your prostate, your colon, your blood pressure checks and figure out how to eat, exercise, and add supplements and medication to keep you as well as you can be. Have a calendar with doctor appointments firmly made ahead of time. So if you travel you can still stay well. Find out if your health insurance covers you in other states and how to use it if you are out of your home area. You may be able to visit other clinics or doctors in cities that will keep you from shortening your travel plans. Get extra travel insurance for health, if you’re going out of country.
Whatever you decide to do, do not sit down and watch TV all day. Get up, keep a daily planner just like you always did and have your days filled with events. Walking, talking, driving – keep that mind working. Volunteer, I mean the kind of volunteer work that really uses your talents, do it with your friend or spouse and do it often. Do it if you travel, every town has needs for a few hours of volunteer work. Retirement is simply leaving your place of employment, not retiring from life. Keep busy, join, help, love, dance, play and write. You are just starting the rest of your life. Mother used to say that you will have time to do anything you want when you retire. She lived forty years of retirement and she traveled, took classes, learned to paint, learned to make dolls, gardened, knitted, baked hundreds of dozens of cookies, played cards with gal pals and still had time to spend with me. At 100 years she passed with a library book half read on her bed side table. Life goes on longer and better than you ever imagined!
Happiness on your new adventure, please do go to my website and enjoy the information for seniors www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. I have my Dear Francy blog information that goes back a long way with loads of tips. I have written a “How to Give Seniors Care- Care giving 101 Workbook” that is designed to help spouses and family care givers with basic home nursing and care information. And I have added a new venture called Loving Memories that is a FREE service that finds just the right senior care facility for your family member.
Thanks for reading and join me with my on demand talk show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/SeniorCareWithSpirit – I have a new one scheduled on this topic and you can read about it and join me live, call in or listen at your leisure on demand. Thanks francy
Escape Stress and Constant Pain
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I have a 10 yr old daughter and 83 yr old mother living with me. I am disabled and under continual pain. The stress level in our home is so high, it’s not healthy. I know we all feel it and react badly to it and I am responsible for changing it. But how?
Let’s just start with change, you can find change for you and that will affect both your mom and daughter. So, you are on the right track. I know that no magic wand removes pain or stress but you can learn to live with it in a way that does not do damage to you and others. I have a few ideas that I have used both for myself and for those I care- for I hope you will find some of them helpful for you.
Calming Pain and Stress:
- Pain can be controlled if it stays within an area that is workable. Pain clinics will help anyone with medications that can be used, but learning the timing of them and the additional over the counter meds is really important. Sometimes it’s not the Rx but when you take the Rx. I have been off pain meds for my back for years, but I still take Ibuprofen before I go out and do any physical chores. The before makes the difference. Timing, it is in the timing. So take note of this and talk to a pain specialist, not just your doctors. They have ideas that are terrific. Pain can be constant and still allow you to live a life, but you have to get it to a range that you can work with on a daily basis.
- Stress is a building situation. It will start small and then just roll downhill like a snowball during the day. To STOP it in its tracks, you have to know your own stress key. If you feel a slight head ache, if you hear your voice tone going lower, if you see the senior or family reacting badly to you- Take note you are out of balance. Take a break, walk away and always breathe three deep breaths. That allows the oxygen to come back into your brain.
- Pain will take you out, if it’s constant, even finding times in the day that it can ebb is important. So make sure you keep notes on your pain or stress and rank it from 1-5 during the day. You may immediately find clues to the ups and downs.
- Evening Pain when it is time to make dinner is always hard on everyone with pain. So my tip is to make dinner prep in the morning when you are doing your breakfast and lunch. Use the slow cooker a lot and then dinner is just a pickup.
- Pain every other day. It is an old trick of those of us that live with continued pain that we do certain tasks every other day. That way we do not overload our life, yet we live our life. One day you plan to dust and vacuum, the next day you stretch, rest or go for a walk. One day you sit at the computer for a few hours the next day you stand and the clean the kitchen. Changing daily tasks keeps your body from grabbing hold to pain in any one particular point.
- Pain/15 minutes break. My sister had a very bad back like mine and she developed a 15 minute rule. Like many that take a 15 minute break, she would take a 15 minute physical work time and then sit down and rest for a few minutes and start again. She was able to paint the inside of her home, work in the garden and clean, by just going slow. It takes a lot of discipline in these fast times of ours. But you would be surprised at the work you get done with very low pain received from doing it!
- Stress over what? If you do keep your journal and write about your pain or stress, you will be able to see the launch points. Words, deeds, multi-tasking what is your weak point that sets you off? You are the one that has to do the work to find that out. So you can avoid it or change your mind towards the event. Down load a Journal program for your computer and get in the habit of writing a little bit about you each day. It is a good habit; it will help stress and stress or pain. I use Star Diary and love it, I downloaded it and paid around $10 for it and it has been a gift to myself. (you can have a password to keep it private)
- Get away. I know it is easy to say and hard to do. But you have to remove yourself from your home or work. Take time with one family member at a time, or just alone. That means that you go to the grocery store and do not go right home. Stop at a coffee shop and just sit with a coffee or tea and muse at the others in the shop. Let time bring your stress down and go home relaxed, instead of exhausted from shopping.
- BE verbal. I would find myself on the edge so often when I had mother in my home for 24/7 care. I would just tell my husband; “I am sorry if I am not pleasant today, I just feel totally stressed.” He would usually go and sit with mom and get her calmed down and give me time for a bath, nap or just sitting quietly alone. I did not have to ask for his help, but I would have asked if I needed it. Talking to family and not keeping it to yourself is really important. I would tell mother I was taking a down day. She would then know that I was going to give her food and respond to her bell when she needed me, but I would be taking a nap, reading or be out in the garden and she was fine on those days. We just had to work together.
- Taking a trip from anywhere without travel. This is the real gift that I hope I can give you. During days of bad chemo time, I learned how to do a self hypnosis/meditation that helped me so much. I have moved it into my normal life pattern and now it is part of who I am. A simple start; just take a break anywhere and be quiet, close your eyes and think of a place you would like to be. It may be on the beach or hiking in the woods, or shopping at the mall. It is your thoughts that bring you to a place that makes you comfortable and smile. Be at that place and just rest there, feel the breeze, smell the surroundings and feel the warmth or cold. Be there in your mind, so when you open your eyes you have a feeling of renew – The more you do this simple exercise the better you get- the more places you go – the more relaxed and eased with your pain or stress.
- I have always got a book developing in my mind or a project that I am working on – inside my head. When I have quiet time, I think about it and I am right there looking at it and making it work. This will take me out of deep pain and deep stress. My mind starts to become involved in this complex dreaming state. Like remodeling a home step by step, creating a garden step by step, cooking a meal step by step. My mind goes through the steps and before you know it, you’re pain is lowered and your stress is dropping away.
- Finally, no excuses. I try hard not to give myself excuses for my behavior. I do apologize to others if I find myself difficult. But I do not explain why I am difficult. My pain, worries or stress is not their life, it’s mine. I have to deal with it, change it and move on. I do sit down and share my problems with family and friends but I do not dwell on it nor do I talk about it without end. There is a difference between sharing and getting support and driving family and friends crazy. We all have to know those lines.
Looking for help and finding others that have similar problems is really a good thing. Keep the sharing positive with ideas of support and change. Twitter, chat rooms and local support groups with similar situations as your own make a huge difference. But they are not places to go dump! They are places to ask questions, share experiences and ideas and give your own support to others. In return you will learn so much about your own situation and how to better it.
I love the fact that you take on the idea of change for good- for YOU and not change for others. That is really the key, only you can change you and that change, no matter how slight, will ripple out to your friends, family and co workers. Your investment in solving your stress and pain will result in your everyday world really improving in quality.
Thank you for writing to me. I would like to invite you to my web site for other information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips join me!
10 Tips to Keep Your Medications Working for You
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I have no idea what medications my Uncle is taking on a daily basis or if he’s taking them properly. I have the pill bottles, do not know what they’re for and I have the daily box that is always filled when I arrive. He is 82 and seems well, just needs me for shopping and cleaning his small home. Do I need to push him for more information?
Yep! Here is the deal with medications for everyone – if you do not take them on time during the day and in repetitive days, then you are not really taking the medication that the doctor has prescribed. It may seem like blood pressure or even allergy meds show few signs of change, but inside the body there is a war going on and it needs to be put into a neutral state with medications. You can say, “Well I am old, I will stop medications and just let nature take its course.” That to sounds like a good idea; but you do not know what path nature will take you down. Do you want to NOT be able to walk or talk with a stroke? Do you want to be bed ridden or stuck in a coma for the rest of your life? Do you want to leave your home and be in a care center full time? Do you want to be on constant machines cleaning your blood or a machine in your chest to keep your heart going? Worst of all –is the diabetes side effects of blindness and losing limbs, not a pretty picture. So you can think that skipping pills or going off of a special diet for a day or just taking the pills that are easy to swallow is no big deal, but it can come back and bite you – badly.
Here is my over view of how to handle medications for yourself and seniors in your care:
- Know the medications. Either go into the doctor’s office and have them reviewed for you, or look them up on the Internet, or go to the drug store and ask for a print out of the pills and their reason and side effects. If your senior says something makes them dizzy, then you need to find out which pill does that and if that pill can be replaced with another Rx. (Note, when you find new medication ideas on the Internet, print them out and take them into the doctor on your next visit to review-they should always be open to this kind of discussion.)
- Always ask the doctor and the pharmacy if they could please use generics where ever possible. Even if the senior has a good drug insurance coverage. You save them the deductable. Plus the more money that is saved over all helps all of us when it comes to drug costs.
- Each doctor’s appointment- you are required to “bring in your medication bottles”. Since most seniors have more than one doctor this is how the medical offices keep track of the medications that can change since the patient was last in office. I found this way too overwhelming when my mother began to have over six meds and then went up to 27 a day before her passing. So I kept a list of the medications. I sat down in front of my computer and lined up the pill bottles with the information about each of them and put together a listing.
Name of Drug/Reason/Strength/Times per day/with or without food/Dr that prescribed/
I repeated this for each medication and I would add and remove as the prescriptions changed. Be sure to put the date on the paper so you know the last update. Now you have power. You can take this list into each doctor’s office, keep it in your kit for emergency trips to the hospital, check up on the pills and their purpose and most of all, you can fill the weekly pill container with morning and night pills properly divided. - The medications all have reasons for time of day delivery. Some make you tired, some make you go to the bathroom, some make you dizzy, hungry or up energy. If you take them as the doctor advises then your body will respond in the proper manner at the right time. And if you have side effects with a new drug, it can be address from the get go.
- Side effects are nothing to ignore. They can really get a rolling start and change your life. People coming out of heart attacks can have big problems with their bladder control that means that their drugs need regulation and it is a hard thing to do. But it can be done. Some medications can make you feel more emotional than normal, dizzy or actually give you a rash or make you sick to your stomach. All of the side effects are listed on each new drug. But if you wonder about them, call into your pharmacist and they will review the problem with you and advise you on another drug to suggest to your doctor, or to assure you that the side effects usually go away in a couple of days or so. This information will keep your return visits to the doctor down to when you need to have the drug Rx changed or updated. Ask your doctor if all medications can be geared to twice a day, so memory is not challenged with seniors living on their own.
- Emotional drugs can be hard on those who take them. They can have very difficult side effects and the patient does not want to wade through the time to make changes. We all understand that feeling odd inside of our body or our heads is a terrible challenge, but taking drugs for high end emotional problems is paramount to wellness. So as a family care giver you need to keep on top of this and keep returning to the prescribing doctor with your list of the senior’s complaints until he can find a mixture of medications that fit their needs.
- Journal the drugs and the senior’s behavior and daily feelings. There should be a spiral notebook in the care area where you can check off the daily drugs, food, mood and physical ability of the senior on a daily basis. If you only do it every three days, that is better than nothing. This way the doctor will see that when pills were forgotten the breathing went down, the walk was staggered, or the emotions were more on edge. This is the stuff that is needed to keep anyone taking more than a couple of medications informed. This is how a doctor will treat and be thrilled at the information. They will thank you and give medication changes in a more effective way with this type of information.
- Cannot afford medications? There are ways around this with help. All drug companies have special services for those that are on a budget too tight for medication spending. Ask your doctor about this and they will hook you up with the different services available. You can turn to your own state human and senior services offices and get the senior on their program for financial or medical assistance. This is provided in each state, they have different rules for each state. But basically it can span a lot of things, it can give the senior food stamps only, or medical and drug coverage, or pay for care givers. It goes on and on and it is decided on the income of the senior and the spouse. Do not think you have to give up your home for this service that is not true. Veteran’s services are also there for those that have served. I am talking about served, not about retired only. My husband was in only three years and he is now receiving help from the Veteran’s for his dementia. Always check out the available services for all seniors it makes good care sense. Last is Medicare that has “D” coverage that will help with medication coverage. This is also inserted into your insurance coverage and you need to know that twice a year you can make Medicare supplemental insurance changes in the spring and fall. There is no problem changing during those times, but the rest of the year, you need to stay in the insurance that you currently have or pay a fee.
- The actual pill bottle can be coded to a color for couples that live together and have lots of meds. Hard to keep track so this is an easy solution. You can ask and sign for Easy Open bottles. Know that those bottles have to be kept away from your young grand children. I keep all of George’s medication bottles in a basket on a high shelf. Once a week I refill the medications into his weekly dispenser and then order whatever I need to keep the pills properly stocked. It is always less expensive to order three months of an Rx. So ask your doctor to write one month to try the medication and then ask him for a 90 days refill Rx if the medication is to be used over a long period of time.
- Do not be afraid to change your medications to another drug store. They have services now that ship pills out to you instead of having family pick them up at the store. They have computer services that automatically refill the drugs and call you when they are available. They have lots of nationwide services that will fill the order in any state if the senior visits family or travels. They also have services that provide breathing, diabetes and other ongoing conditions with all of their medications and services needed, by mail. You can also get many items ordered by your physician in prescription form that are not just pills. That would be bladder control products, special dietary supplements, breathing machines, oxygen, walking and bathing assistance products. This all depends on what Medicare, supplement or regular insurance companies will cover. So ASK – when the doctor says you need something to care for your health, ask him if you can get an Rx for that so it is covered by your insurance. They are there to help you, but they cannot guess at each patients needs.
My husband is a dementia/Alzheimer’s condition patient. He shows such a difference when he has his medication on time for four or more days in a row. It is like night and day. But with dementia it is hard for us both to keep on top of the pills. Sometimes we skip an intake for morning or night. We have learned to just ignore it and not take the night before pills with the morning of – pills. But this error means that my husband may get diarrhea, feel extra dizzy or have real memory or emotional challenges for a couple of days. That means that his brain cells are dropping and he is going backwards not forwards in his fight against Alzheimer’s continued attack on his brain. We try hard, but things happen. When they do we regroup and try harder – we feel lucky that there is medications that make his condition better and we are dedicated to keeping him alert and active as long as possible. It is the quality of life, not the length of life that we feel is important. That is why taking medications on time every day is paramount in elder care.
Thank you for your email please do send your questions to me. You will find the email button on my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and you will also find my on demand radio shows talking about senior care issues. If you found these tips helpful, I have a workbook for those of you that are giving care to a senior called Senior Care Givers Workbook 101 – It is a step by step of how to give good care to seniors.
Blessings on your day, francy
Do You Need a New Doctor?
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I have tried and tried to get through to my doctor and he is always too busy to take a call. He rushes us through appointments and he’s rude when I ask a question about my husband. What can I do?
Then move on to another doctor. You know we are all stuck in a mental state of instant respect for every physician we meet. But they are just people, some can connect with one person and not another. Some are specialists in their field and know nothing out of their field and then there are the gems. A gem doctor is one that simply listens, expresses interest and tries to find information to diagnose a problem properly. They have a ego that allows them to share the information with you, the patient, or with another specialist in the correct field. Those Gems are to be kept in your back pocket and appreciated. The rest can be sorted through and only used on a limited basis.
If you find that you are now in a new place with your health and you need to have more input from your doctor and you are not getting it – try this before you make a move.
- Tell the doctor directly or in a letter that you really need to understand his instructions for you, or his ideas about the diagnose and treatment of your condition. Tell him you are going to come in (date of your appointment) and you will be asking him about — then list the questions you have about your (or your senior’s) health. I love this idea of a letter to express things to the doctor in a short one page that he would not have time to find out during your appointment. This pre-appointment letter could be the answer to a doctor working well for you, or you moving to a new doctor.
- Take notes when you are at the doctors. Do not think you will remember things, you will not. If you live alone, ask a family member or friend to come with you and take notes. This way your questions and the doctor’s answers are written down for you to review. Makes life so much easier to really hear and understand what is being said during an appointment.
- Write down all the questions you have about your reaction to things in the last two weeks before the appointment. Write down I have been dizzy since I started taking this new drug, I have had too many runs to the bathroom to live comfortably, I have had to really hold on to a friend when I walk out of the house. This way he can review your list and deal with it.
- Finally, remember that each doctor has a personality and it may not match yours. There is nothing wrong with dealing with a doctor with airs that seems above you, if he/she is the only specialist in your town. But if you live where there are other choices, go for it and move on to another doctor.
How to find a new doctor in your area?
- I always start witha friend and any professional in health, like a nurse that I might personally know. They know the good doctors and know who to call.
- Call your insurance company. Many insurance companies have a nurse help line that is FREE and it is a great service for easy questions. You might have to use the insurance company’s directory of doctors, if so, have that with you as you call. Ask the nurse if there is any actual way to know if one doctor is used by more of their insurance clients than another. They will help guide you.
- The Internet is so great for this sort of thing these days. I love to look up pharmacy questions and questions about health and get good answers and my favorite site for this is WebMD.
- Here is the site listing for the page that you can search for doctors in your area http://bit.ly/7VU0M You will have to sign in for this information, do not be afraid to do that and keep the sign in information written in a spiral notebook for your health questions.They have their home work and the doctors are listed with their specialities and experience.
- Call your main or primary care physician and ask the nurse for a recommendation for a specialist, if she gives you the one you are trying to leave, ask for another name on her list.
- When you call the new doctor’s office, have a list of questions ready. Do not be afraid to ask them.
“May I ask a few questions? Where did the doctor get his speciality degree? Does he treat patients with (your problem) often? What has his success with those treatments/surgery been?”
I am sure that you think those questions are rude, but they are questions you have to ask. Maybe the doctor specializes in just what you have, or maybe he doesn’t. If you have done some work on the Internet and found out that the new treatment for prostate cancer is audio waves/ask if he uses that procedure. After all, you want a doctor that is open and up to date.
Get as much information as you can on your own. If a doctor tells you what you or your loved one is diagnosed with (?) then it’s your turn to study. Go to the Internet and hit Google and enter in the name of your condition. Find out what others are doing to control the condition, the different medications people are using and the procedures that are being used to treat it. Get a full understanding of what is wrong and what part of your body is not working. Find out if a good diet would help you get strong, find out if taking vitamin C in higher doses is good before your surgery to boost your body or other supplements are working for others with the same condition as yours. Learn as much as you can. Then when you go to the doctor you have your questions all written in your notebook and you are ready to really tackle each health challenge as a team- You, your loved one, your doctor, medications, supplements, proper diet, and medical procedures. It all has to work in harmony and that is up to you to make it happen.
Do not wait for a doctor to be perfect, try a nurse practioner for your everyday care. They are great to work with and easier to get into to see. They will send you to specialists for challanges out of their range. They will give you medications for your everyday issues and you will find they give you that care giving side that they have gathered in their many years of nursing.
I hope this has helped you with ideas. Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care, I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen when ever you have time.
Senior Care Givers Get Organized!
By francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I have never been very organized and now I have college kids, husband, dogs, home, job schedules and just added caring for mom and her schedule. Where is “the me” in all of this?
I understand and although it may seem like your the me has faded into the background and rarely has a time or place to surface; I think these tips will help. The simple answer to parenting or care giving is that keeping track and reminding everyone of events and keeping the home and persons clean – is really the most important part of the job. It is also the most exhausting. When the kids are young and go a million directions each day and make a mess at each station – you are usually young too. You have had more energy and more brain function to handle the stress. Now, time moves on for all of us and you have even more tasks on your plate and more people pulling you in different directions. So as you once did daily life with little or no planned organization – NOW time has changed and you have to get a grip on your daily to do’s so you do have time for the me inside to take a good soak bath or just a quiet time with your spouse after dinner.
Roll up your sleeves – because if you’re caring for an elder or your own spouse you need to begin the organized path for all of your own and your family’s health and well being:
- Do it Your Way – Calendars are a must. You have a choice, you can do it online or with your cell and keep a calendar and the reminders buzzing helping you stay on the program. Or, you can write it down on a wall calendar or daily planner. Whatever fits your needs- use it. But remember, you need a calendar!
- Repeat a program and put everyone on a similar schedule. If you do laundry on Monday nite after work, your college kids, and husband need to know they have to have their stuff there and in place so you can do the laundry not collect sort and fold the laundry. Be practical, do the laundry for each person so you do not have to sort and then have them fold it. Call your senior and remind them of the laundry day and ask them how many loads and such, so you know they are also on the program for the day. This is how you keep it simple, do not adjust to five different schedules, make others adjust to yours and it will go so much smoother. (Remember; this way or the highway and the highway is them doing their own laundry wo/your help. Be strong – you do the work, you set the rules and schedules) Set the basic cleaning, house and personal stuff on the calendar and then repeat and repeat. That is how the process gets easier because they all get it drilled into their head that Monday is laundry, Tuesday is outside the house chore day, Wed is clean house day, Thursday is zip, Friday is family time, Sat is visit and help senior day, Sunday is quiet and recover day. Make up your days, but make them clear and repeat each week. Say No to things that do not fall on the right day so you do not wide up feeling exhausted. Or just float a day into the next Friday and move on. But try hard to stick to your days and your family will adjust and follow suit.
- Remind everyone of the different chores of the week. Then stick to them. After a few weeks it will all gel and get so much easier. I know that garbage is Tuesday at our house, but I still have it marked on my wall calendar each week. I would always have mother’s garbage day marked on my calendar too…so when we spoke the night before I could get her to remember, or stop by to put it out on the curb myself. I love using wall calendars, they make my days easier. I do use a daily calendar in my office on the desk, but that is reserved for most of my work related information. I keep Birthday and events, appointments on the web so I get reminders and anything that involves another person in the family is up on the wall calendar.
- Appointments are hard to manage in a busy life, so you will have to pick a day during the week and on Saturday for doctor appointments for your senior. You will find that if you pick the day and tell the doctor’s office this is your day for appointments they will find one for you. Your life will be much smoother. Remember seniors that need care do not do well before 10 AM or after 4 PM so work within those boundaries. Bring your Medical spiral notebook that’s just used for doctor appointments for your parent or spouse. This way you have all the information in your bag or car and you’re ready to take notes and ask questions. Time for appointments is usually 2-3 hours. You have to drive, transfer, do the appointment, wait, do the tests or drug store run, drive back and maybe do a quick stop for a treat for the senior. So do not think your lunch hour is enough, it will take longer than you think. (I have a great E book called Senior’s Doctor Visits Check List that gives you all sorts of ideas for better appointment and doctor interactions – you will find it on my site clicking on Products.)
- I made a deal with myself that on days that I take someone to the doctor, I only do two more chores along the way and one of them is passive, like eating. It really takes a lot of energy to collect a senior and keep totally concentrated on their wellbeing and their appointment information. So to add a shopping trip or a few more stop and pick up this or that… is way to much for me. My mom would get home and be happy about her day and I would get home and be exhausted and still facing the evening with making dinner and the usual night time tasks. So, keep yourself well and do not over book your senior drive day.
- If you’re cleaning your home than wait a couple of days before you go over to your senior’s home and clean theirs. I remember the depression I would have from trying to get my house work caught up and then driving over to my mother’s or other senior’s places and do the same thing all over again. I learned to separate my own cleaning on a day that I would not be doing cleaning for someone else. I had to preserve my energy and my mental attitude.
- Start each day with a review of what is happening on the calendar and then you are ready for your morning check-in call for your senior. You can remind them that this is a “get the garbage ready to go out day”. This is a “get the refrigerator clean so we can go to the store tomorrow day”. That way you give the senior chores they can do to ready their home for you to come and quickly get the rest of the chores finished. Then go ahead and ask your usual daily questions about all around health and reminders for pills, food and such. This way, you give them something to do for you…that’s always the key. When you work with parents always ask them to do you a favor. “Mother, I’m stopping by tonight on the way home- to put out the garbage can and give you a hug. Would you please get your waste baskets all empted and put into a trash bag and I will run in and chat and then take out the garbage. Hey, how about I bring you a hamburger and shake for dinner, sound good?” That is the way you get it done, ask for a favor, remind them of the task and reward them for their efforts.
- Saying NO. There are times when things you do for a senior are important and have to go on the top of your list. Then there are times when the senior is lonely and they think of things to get you over to visit them in-between your normal days. This has to be contained or you will lose your ability to multitask successfully. Sort out the pleas of I need help. Let the senior know you will be there in two days and you can add that to your task list. I got mother a nice white board and she would write down things that she needed me to do. Each time I visited, I would cross off a few and then delegate a few more and finish the rest at the next visit. Delegate is to call a sibling or your spouse and ask them to do a certain chore that you know they can do or afford to provide. This keeps you from feeling like you are holding the whole world together (even if you are!)
- Each season comes with extra tasks and the best thing to do is keep them connected. If you are going to have someone clean your gutters, then ask the same person do clean your senior’s home and share the cost. If you are going to change the batteries on your fire alarms or heating unit filters, do the same at your seniors. Spring time is always a good excuse to clean out closets. Hire a family member to help you and get your closets clean and clothes and linens to the charity store and do the same for your senior. The response to cleaning out things for seniors is always hard; they hate change and do not want to give away anything. But, if you show them you did your home first, they know the fork lift is coming through their closets, next. It makes it easier for them to adjust. If you do it year in and year out. It becomes an accepted norm. But remember the routine, ask them to help you, get the task done, then reward them. So the closet and old clothes are gone. But the shopping for a few new things goes on the calendar so they see they have a reward coming.
- Getting organized does not always mean cleaning up the office and linen closet. It means that from this day forward you will start with a clean slate and make new rules for your life style. Once the rules are in place, you will have the same day each week for that yoga class, or long nap after work, or favorite TV show that you taped. And still get things done and feel in charge. Organizing brings a sense of control over your normal crazy life. It means that you live in the now, with an eye on your future. That way you can emotionally enjoy your life, not just suffer through another day. Live strong within your mind, body and spirit and that will reflect off onto your family, spouse and senior or parent.
Blessings on all that you do, because YOU keeping strong / gives your family the ability to live their lives feeling calm and joyful.
I hope this has helped you with ideas. Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Seniors Losing Long Time Friends
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Dad just lost a long time friend. Today a few well known stars have passed. Dad is reacting saying he needs to stop his meds and just let the world go by without him. I am upset, his health is not extreme just managed with medications.
I understand, I went through a daily reminder of my mother’s loss of all of her old friends as she lived with us in her last five years of life. She would tell me how she missed them and how she could not share her memories with anyone. So, I have been there the only idea I had for her moods of sadness was to re-direct her to thinking in the now.
Here are a few tips:
- 1. If there is a big dedication for well known personalities that have passed keep it down to a dull roar. Yes, watch an hour or so and get the information, then the channel gets changed.
- 2. Get the senior out of the house, the world has sights that bring all of us back to calm. Going for a walk or drive will bring the neighborhood back into the mind of the senior, the coffee shop they love back to the forefront of their brain.
- 3. Make sure you talk about passings of others but do it with humor. Remember old stories that bring smiles. Those that past should represent good memories, not sadness.
- 4. Honor passings. Even if the friend that passes has not been around for a while, find a picture of them to put out and talk about the person and ask when the senior first met them and the most enjoyable time they had together? Let the senior remember and talk about the person to work through their grief.
- 5. Ask if the senior wants to go to the memorial. Some times they do, some times not. When one of mother’s old card pals passed, she was to unwell to go to the memorial. So I went for her. I did not know the lady well, but I reported back to mother about the day. Signed her name, and mine, in the guest book and took a picture of the flowers and receptions table for her to view.
- 6. When she was sad I would ask her to tell me a story I had heard in the past about her family or friends and some funny thing that happened or family event. I did this often to keep the memory of those that passed around mother in a positive way. Not tucked away in the dark and sadness.
- 7. When mother lost her small dog, I bought a balloon for both of us and we went outside and let them go. We talked about when the dog first came to mother and the thought of loss was honored.
- 8. When mother’s brother was very ill and we thought he would pass, we make sure she visited him. She was weak and it was a hard thing to do, but she needed to see him and tell him she loved him. He got well but she would pass a month later. It was a good- good bye that she needed.
- 9. When a singer passed that she used to listen to when she was young, I got a CD of his music at the library and played it for her and we talked about her and dad dancing the night away – one night long ago. We got silly and I pushed her wheelchair around the room with the dog in her lap!
- 10. When her neice died I got a picture of her out of the memory book, had it enlarged at the copy shop and framed it. I put out the frame and a small voltive candle and had it burning each evening for a couple of weeks. She needed a way to work through her grief.
- 11. Each time she complained about her old age and passing, I reminded her how much both my husband and I enjoyed having her with us. I would tell her about how much she helped me with this or that. I feel a senior just needs to feel wanted and needed. Like all of us, they need a purpose to keep life on the top of their plate, not start to think that that their death would not effect anyone. Once they get that reassurance, they perk up again.
- To Review: to honor a passing, but not dwell on it. To remember a friend’s passing by honoring the happy memories. To have a ritual that that helps to set the grieving process in motion. To remind the senior that they are still loved and needed, no matter who else is passing along the way.
I hope this has helped you with ideas. Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Senior Ideas to Keep Kool!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: Dad is in hospital, dehydration. His apartment was like a steam bath when I arrived, how can I get him to use the air conditioning and drink water!
This is what happens every time the temp goes up, seniors go down. Even young seniors get over heated. So, I have a list of ideas to try:
- There are great neck scarves that keep you cool and they are easy to make. Go to this site and enjoy the info – Make a few extras for senior friends and those that garden http://tinyurl.com/mea7vq
- Water is not a friend for seniors. They have not carried around water bottles everyday like we do. So to them, you drink water to take pills and that is a negative. So, change the water into the different power waters with flavor that you can find. They will replace the electrolytes and such and are used by runners and sports people. Add them to the list for your senior and keep it cooled.
- I also like to use a crystal lite type of drink that has sugar substitute and comes in flavors of peach tea and pink lemonade.
- If you want your senior to drink a protein drink make sure it is chilled. They taste sooo much better chilled.
- A small chill chest like the ones you take to work for lunch is perfect to place by the senior’s chair. I just have them put a new ice pack(keep at least 3 ice packs to rotate) in it each day and put their yogurt, protein drink and juice drink inside so they stay cool and easy to reach and use.
- I find that seniors do well with glasses with handles. So I look for a plastic glass that has a thermal lining and handles. It will keep your cool drink cool much longer and is easy for the senior to drink and carry around to refill.
- The air around a senior’s home has to be within reach of normal. You can find out what makes them feel good. I would say in the low 70’s. Now mother took a med that made her cold all year round. So she wanted a heater on in the summer. I removed the heater from her room so she did not have that choice. I put her over all room heat in the low 70’s and had her wear a sweater ( not a shawl to trip over)
- Fans are great and the newer fans that have a stand and fill with water are even better. Do not have the fan blowing on the senior’s chair. Just have it moving the air around the room. Be sure to cover the cord with duck tape so there is no tripping over the electric plug in.
- New portable air conditioners are wonderful. They run around $200 or less at the big box stores or online. You will find that they have wheels and move from room to room. They only need to have a hose sticking out a window.This is a new product and works so well that I know you will enjoy it, too.
- Open doors and windows are security risk for seniors. Make sure you have someone help you with ways to get fresh air and still have security. Even sliding doors have open set locks, so take a look at the hardware store and see what they have for the senior’s home to make it safe but cool.
- I found a standing air filter that had a chill feature at a small hardware store last week. It was one of those tower type of things and as I stood in front of it I thought how great it would have been to have had for mother when she was alive. So just get out there and take a look. There are also mist sprayers for the back yard and very small refrigerators that would fit into a care center room keep looking till you find the right match.
- Ask family to help with the expense or ask the state case worker to use their concrete funds to supplement the new air conditioner or fan.
Some times seniors just need a push from a child. I often asked mother to change a habit so I could stop worrying about her and get more sleep. I just told her I was not able to stop worrying about her being over heated and I needed her to work with me. She always responded well. Most senior parents would do almost anything for their kids if they sincerely ask them.
Stay Kool – Start with yourself, keep yourself cool and talk about being cool when you talk to your senior each day. Ask them what they are planning to do to keep the house cool? Tell them the heat is going to be high today and ask them if they have the fan on and how about their cooler drinks? Talking about it, makes it come up to the top of the senior’s mind. Plus, a doctor telling a senior to do something like drink water or juice and keep cool will go a long way. Seniors think of their doctors with a great deal of respect so keep the doc on your team.
I hope this has helped you with ideas. Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Seniors Need Goals to Live Strong
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mom was holding on to make it to the holiday, now she’s heading downhill. What can I do to keep her spirits up?
No matter where the senior is in their health challenges - positive thought patterns are the key to a life of quality. No one wants to just exist through life, we all want to live and live strong. Keeping those that are limited to a home, care facility or just limited in their out and about movements means their mental health is going to add to the physical health care problems.
Here are some ideas to keep the senior’s mind up and ready for their day:
- A Daily Goal is set each morning by the care giver for the senior. This is a small thing that is very personal per client, but really important. It takes creativity on the care givers part, but you will be repaid with the senior looking forward to a day instead of dreading it. Short term daily goals?
A walk outside, a special food treat, a special show on TV, a call made to an old friend or family member in the afternoon, a hair cut, nail care, foot rub, neck message, flowers from the yard, etc. I alwasy state the goal in the morning and make the goal for afternoon or evening. - Longer goal is the weekly goal. I always set this goal to make sure each week has a flavor and does not get lost in boredom.
Pick decor for the week in the room, a special event that is coming up like a golf, tennis or music event on TV. A rental movie that reflects the seniors tastes, or a SKYPEsession with a long distance relative, or a grand child’s birthday card to send.
What ever the goal. I have it written in large letters on the door so the senior sees it as they go out to the bathroom during the day. This is so successful for me, that I found a difference in the seniors emotional state almost immediately. - Once a month outing. Now once a senior gets quiet, weak or unwell, going out is hard to do. But making a monthly get out day is important if at all possible. I try not to make this day on a doctor day, but if you have to, make sure you take it easy, doctor days are very tiring. Ideas?
Drive through or around a local park, drive through and get a burger or ice cream, park and watch children play at park while eating a sandwich, eat out at local restaurant that is quiet so the senior can hear, visit the senior center, wheel them through the mall or walmart or dollar store, stop at food specialty shop for treats like German sausage or local grown cherries, update their cell phone, buy new around house clothing, buy new slippers, buy small hand held game withblackjack just for their fun time, get their toes done at a nail salon, get them a milkshake. Wheel them through a street fair, local fair or garage sale. Walk the senior with the dog and enjoy the moment around the lake or neighborhood. - Seasons, so many folks that care for seniors get so involved in that care that they forget the seasons. Seasons are made for us to adjust and to take note of the year’s movement. Getting out to see the fall leaves, summer sun, winter snow or spring bulbs blooming is a must. If not bring those things into the world of the senior, have a seasonal theme some where in their room or sitting area. Let the senior become part of the season so they stay connected to the world.
- Big Event & Holidays. Seniors love holidays, so make them as special as you can and plan ahead so they become something to look forward to. Maybe the 4th of July is only watching the fireworks on TV and a slick of watermelon, but it is different then the day before. So make the best of it. If you plan on gong out make it easy. We have a small community with a short parade on the 4th. I used to take mother over there and sit her on the walkway and we would watch the kids past and the horses and old cars go by. She loved it, I would always get her ice cream and drive home. No staying long, no big crowd, no big event that she would get lost in, just easy breezy stuff. We have family events, birthdays and holidays to keep us busy on a monthly basis. Something to goal toward and be involved in. Maybe the senior will not attend the birthday or Christmas Eve dinner, but they can plan for it. I always made mother’s special shrimp salad for events and showed her the salad and then the family member would stop by for it and she would give it to them. She felt she was part of the event even when she did not make the salad or leave her sitting room. I get small gifts at the dollar store and use those for grand children or neighbor gifts, I find some young child that is close (maybe a child of the bath lady that visits) and the gift is given to them. Giving, even on a budget, makes everyone feel good. Holiday events can be exhausting for seniors, but visiting a home to see the Christmas decor and tree ahead of the holiday is low key and fun. Having the Halloween kids come and show the senior their costumes is great, and putting out an Easter basket with easy to chew treats for the senior is still a fun thing to do.
Keeping the patient involved and looking forward to life around them. That is the key…allowing them to just concentrate on thier pain, problems and sadness of their life is pointless. It all starts with the family and care givers, so perk yourself up. Raise up your voice tones when you enter your senior’s room. Search out funny stories, do not share your stories about a lost dog or boy friend just out of jail, that is toooo much information. Keep your conversation lite and enjoyable because you are the only contact for the senior to the outside world on most days. You are the key to making care, up or down. If the senior is bitter and nasty no matter what you do? Than get them into the doctor and let the doctor know they are displaying a high level of depression and anger. Life is to be lived, not survived. and you as a family member and care giver are the key – all it takes is your kindness and creativity. Not perfection, just persistence - with a smile.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogsto share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Senior Home from Hospital, I Need Help!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: Mother is home from a 8 day hospital stay - then she was in the care facility for 20 days. She was still too weak to go to her home so I have her here in our guest bedroom. I am not a nurse, I’m a crossing guard at our local school and I have no idea what to do now?
Well you have just joined the club of many children and spouses that are suddenly faced with care giving and no prior experience to guide them. First, try to stay calm and just know that a lot of things will hit you at once so you need to really stay organized and write things down as you go to make it easier. Keep a spiral notebook for your mom’s care and that will be your bible in the days ahead. I have written a how to book that will help you with the care giving but here is a list of things to do just to get started:
AFTER HOSPITAL CARE TIPS:
- Ask questions, the care facility will help you. Ask them if medicare will send in a home care nurse? This in home help is so wonderful. It will be someone to ask questions and to follow their lead with care ideas. Most cities have a few care companies that you can call and ask them if their services are covered with medicare and your mom’s insurance. Ask them what services they have for you and then pick what ever you can afford. Min. have a bath lady once a week, that gives you a break and keeps your mom clean. Your mom will be weak and hard to bath at first- so you will appreciate this service more than you know.
- Call the doctor’s office and “make” them talk to you. Ask them what state your mother is in? Ask them to review her needs and how long it will take to get her back to independence, or if she ever will be able to live on her own again? You need to know this. If you are going to take care of her for a month or for years, you need to know. You do not want to have your mother’s things in an apartment for months with rent being paid, if she will never return to the apartment. That money could be used with you to care for her.
- Get your mom’s health care directive and power of attorney in place so you can help her make decisions on her health. Plus you can pay her bills and care for her money in her time of confusion. You can get her home ready for sale or her apartment contract adjusted if she has to leave her residence permanently. You can then make a decision for her to be in a long term care facility, retirement community, etc. This is the legal part that has to be done so do not put it off. It may seem like caring for her is just nursing stuff, but it is not…it is all the business of her life that will need help. I have all of the business info in my workbook for you.
- Ask for help, if your mom does not have any money and you have very little yourself, get the state to come in and give you advice on how they could help her. She may be able to go on state care or Veterans care and get home help. That way she could return home sooner, or you could take a class and become the legal caregiver and the state would pay you to care for her. You will not know until you call Human Services for Elders and find out what is what in your local area.
- Make things easy for yourself; keep her room easy to walk around, remove small rugs and extra furniture. That way you’re able to move around with wheelchairs and walkers. You can set up a commode and a table for her medications and other care items.
- Get your mother tucked in when you leave the house. Get her a cell phone added onto your account and have her practice pressing a button that will call you. Make sure she goes to the toilet, is fed and has her meds before you leave the house. Leave her with a small lunch cooler with a protein drink, yogurt and water inside for her to have by her chair. Move her commode into the sitting room she will be using so her movements are limited.
- Ask family or neighbors to come and check on her when you are gone. Think in your mind about what could happen while you are gone and then cover all the basis. If you take time off from work, then know for how long. Maybe your mom will only need a good two weeks of care before she is up and moving around on her own. But if it is longer, then what will you do? No matter how hard it is, you have to have a couple of plans of actions so you are not losing your job and income just to help your mother. Make calls, get a couple of plans in place and find people to help you.
- Home nursing may not be your experience but it is a lot like caring for a young child. Keep things easy, very clean, and be solid on giving her medications and good food on time. She will have to move to be independent, so she needs to be walking with your help. Exercise, eating, medications on time…that is what will start to build her up again.
- Keep kids and long visits out of your mother’s life while she is trying to heal. You do not want her to get a cold or be so tired she gets weaker. Be strong with visits; no kids – 20 minutes- no smoking -only lite conversation-no one sick. Keep it light and happy or no visits at all!
- Keep yourself eating and sleep even if it’s naps in the afternoon. Running to care for someone and adding that to your already busy life is very hard. So, say NO to everything else but the basics in your life and stick to it. Take one of those protein drinks and have it at lunch time for yourself, as well as your mother. Keep yourself strong – you will be living for two people for a while.
- Baby monitor, intercom, or remote door bell system, they will all serve you well so you know when your mother needs immediate care.
- Your mother may have a special diet to follow, but if not think easy. Think easy to chew, swallow, and digest with her food. Make soups in your crockpot & scrambled eggs before you leave for work. Give her jello, yogurt, puddings and fruit with cottage cheese. Soft foods and easy to digest foods. Her bowels will be off with all the medications and odd foods she has been having. If she has a strange food craving say NO if you feel it will be unwise, or give her a very small amount. No raw veggies or salads those are hard for her to process. Good fruit juices and smoothies are the ticket at first. Watch the dairy products do not over do those and if she is a coffee girl, get her some decaf and keep it an afternoon treat - once a day. She has to have water, so put a little fruit juice in her water so she will drink more than a few sips.
- Know and understand her drugs. What is this for, is it for long term or just for her recovery? Ask how to add stool softeners or yogurt for help with the side effects of antibiotics. Go over to the drug store with her medications and they will review them for you and you can write it down and get a weekly pill container that has morning and nite pills. This will make pill time easier.
- Remember that open wounds mean extra care, it could turn into a disaster MRSA probem. So, learn how to stay so clean you are squeaky. Wash your hands each time you enter and leave your mother’s care area. Use bleach wipes to go over all surfaces in care area. Keep the care products on a very clean surface so everything stays sterile. Keep the bathroom she is going to use clean to the point of exhaustion. Use a good cleaning solution like a bleach mixture and wipe off counters, toilets, bath, floor and keep it clean, clean, clean.
- Wash her clothing separately and in hot water with oxygen cleaner as well as soap. Do not throw her clothing on the floor, put the soiled clothes in a hamper or plastic bag to ready for wash. Do her wash at least twice a week - even if it’s a small wash. Make sure your things and her’s do not touch. You are now Miss Klean
- If she is not walking get her up. She can hold on to her walker and you can follow with the wheelchair behind her. Or you can get a waist band that helps the senior stand and walk by you putting it around their waste and then holding on to it, to give them extra steady help. Have her do the PBS- Sit and Stretch. It’s an easy exercise program that will help anyone recover muscles. You can get the program’s DVD’s at your local library.
- Swallowing, talking, transition, walking problems? Those need a physical therapy person trained in that area. Ask the doctor and he will write an Rx and those folks can come in to the home or you go to them. It will make a huge difference. They will show you how to help your mom. Good stuff, therapy sessions!
- If your mom is really weak and unable to stand without help. You need to learn how to transfer her from sitting to standing, to walking position. Ask for help, a nurse or therapist will instruct you how to do that without hurting your back. It is amazing how easy it can be if you know how. If your mother takes a fall, do not try to pick her up. Call 911 and tell them you need assistance with a fall and the fire department will send EMS services to transfer her and check to make sure she does not need hospital services.
- Are you ready if your mother is at the end of her life? Have you talked about her wishes and her health care wishes, and her funeral wishes? Can you sit down and have that talk? If not, ask a chaplain to come and ask her for you. Get it done, if she recovers you can file the information away for a future time.
- If you understand what is happening with your mother, what is wrong with her, what part of her mind or body is effected by her condition – you will be able to do research on the Internet and ask the doctor questions to get help with good care. Be strong with your voice and your questions. Understanding what your mother needs is number one, from there you, your family, your friends, your care giving professional can all work together to help put humpty dumpty back together again. If you do not ask, or demand answers you will suffer as much if not more than your mother during the recovery. Giving care is not hard, if you know what to expect – it is the unknown that bothers all of us, so ask questions and learn as much as you can when you are around any professional.
You are doing a service of love, thank you. Most of us will be there at one time or another. It is lonely and I would like to be here for you as you move through the care of your senior. Sharing your fears, frustrations, and hurt feelings will allow you to recover and give your mother good care and positive energy with your love.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Alzheimer’s Confused with Too Much Change
francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy;My husband is starting to forget who I am, he seems to be able to do tasks and is comfortable, but occasionally he asks me if I come in every day? We are leaving for a week to our cabin and I am hoping some rest away from the house will calm him and help.
I can understand your hurt feelings with your husband’s confusion. There is nothing as frightening as the stage of Dementia/ Alzheimer’s that moves the mind into forgetting close loved ones. I do also understand that one day he may be confused to the max and the next day he may be clear and able to function quite well. You are on track with knowing that keeping him calm and rested can help – but the change of pace to the cabin is not the answer.
Here are some tips to keep Dementia/Alzheimer’s at their maximum clear and calm:
- Clear your home of clutter. Your mind can view a room and see the couch, the chair and the front door. But a mind that is confused with dementia sees all the little things on the same level or as just as important as the big things in the room. Like the foot stool, the table, the papers on the floor, the coffee cup and dessert plate on the table are all on par with the favorite chair and the TV. It’s a different view of the same room. Your job- pare down your clutter around the house. So when a dementia senior is sitting in the room their mind can rest, not be constantly moving from item to item.
- Clean up kitchen cabinets, make the cabinet for glasses and cups just that - glasses and cups. It is easier for them to remember what is in the cupboard and then when they open the cupboard what they were looking for is right there. A bottle of aspirin or cup filled with toothpicks will take the dementia mind off of their need for a glass and they will often close the cupboard and forget their task.
- Remove anything that could harm the dementia senior. Extra medications- get them out of the easy to find area. If you have been storing your pills in the bathroom cabinet, remove them. You do not want your senior to take your pills in a moment of confusion. Just like you protect toddlers from medications or anything that could harm them, you need to protect the dementia senior, too.
- Remove things from the kitchen table, it’s a place to eat, not store bills and papers. Once again, the dementia mind can take one task or chore at a time. To keep their mind active and working well keep the table a place to rest the mind, eat and talk. Not a place filled with boxes, papers and confusion. Clean the area and the mind will rest and see the table as a relaxing place, not a place for them to be distracted with other tasks and not want to eat.
- 1-2 days out a week. It depends on how advanced the dementia is for your senior, but going out and about is fine for a day or two a week. It is not good on a daily basis. Take a few days at home, then a day out. Make the day out simple tasks and low people contact. Dementia mind can get tired very easily, what the senior could do last year, is not what they can do today. Keep them down to a short trip with familiar sights. Would you take a toddler out for four hours of running around and then to a big birthday party? NO, it would be way to much for them to handle, that is now the same way your dementia senior is thinking.
- Trips to the cabin, to visit family in another city, sightseeing, new places, new people they are all very confusing. Dementia does best with people, places and things that are repeated each day and feel safe. My husband has a sister in Oregon and children in California, he often says he wants to go and visit. On his last visit he got lost and he took about three weeks to calm down and be able to sleep and have good days on his return. Our days of travel are over; his daily routine and happiness are far more important to me than trips to say hi that pull him out of his security zone. I know that retirement means visiting and travel, but dementia means that the mind functions better with familiar and safe surroundings.
- Limit the people contact to friends, family and neighbors. George does so well in his daily life, then last month I took him to a family memorial for my cousin. He walked into a church he had never been, surrounded by people he rarely saw and he just blanked out. He was confused, upset, did not know immedite family members and was a fish out of water. We left as soon as possible and did not go to the family home event. I took him out to a quiet lunch, changed the subject to talk about something we do everyday and we went home. I got him calm and in his chair and listening to a new audio-book on his MP3 player. I made an error in judgement, I did not think about his comfort zone and he suffered for it. I should have gone to the memorial by myself and so I have learned a lesson. My life with my husband by my side has now changed and I have to understand and learn to accept that fact, not with joy, but with inner strength.
- Keep like with like. If the drawer is for knives, keep it knives, if the pot is for pens and pencils keep it that way. No mixing, no putting off items in with other items. They will be forever lost to you and your dementia senior. Repeat over and over again. Cell phones charges by the entry door. Keys go in the bowl on the counter. One day George will not remember any of those details, but for now while he is in mid stage Alzheimer’s he is comforted by repeated tasks and repeated placement of items he uses often like his cell phone and MP3 player. George lost his garage door opener and we have not found it, I know it is tucked away in an odd place somewhere, but where? I have become quite the cleaning girl now, but it has paid off for me to get rid of items that have not been used in ages and are of no meaning to George.
- Doctor told me his dementia patients do better longer when the senior keeps their weight in a healthy range. Alzheimer’s medications often have a side effect of reducing the appetite and the senior starts to not remember or want to eat. So, I have added a routine of 3 meals around the same time each day. I have added desserts back into our life, so there is homemade cookies, pies and cakes ready for his snacks. Yogurt, applesauce and puddings for taking pills. Ensure and Boost for adding protein when he has not eaten lunch. I keep him on schedule and he responds with better eating and better days. If I am busy, out of the house, not feeling well myself – then he goes off his schedule, he forgets to eat and his pills are left on the counter. That is a lot of pressure for me, but I try my best and move on if the day has not worked out well. Life is not perfect and I have to live too.
- George needs rest, some days he rests all day, some days he is up and ready for life early. A man made for schedules -is no longer on schedule, I just know I give him his meds and food no later than 9AM so they go to work to help him feel calm and comforted during his day. If he stays in bed after the meal, fine – I will then continue my day and the next day he is up and at um. I ride with life, but I try to stick to the schedule and routine so George feels the days in order and is able to adjust his mind easily to an important day. Because dementia means that each day is important, the next day may be of less abilities and less memory, so today is the day to tackle and enjoy.
I think the fact of the spouse or family of a dementia/Alzheimer’s senior has the ability to give the senior a full and rich life - is a big thing. On certain days it overwhelms me. I try to keep my mind focused on today, to deal with whatever today brings my way. I try to make little jokes about forgetting where George’s coffee cup is ( it has become a continual struggle to find it during the day.) I tell him how much I love him, all day long. If he forgets, I remind him- he is loved. I tell him how nice he looks, how well he did a task and how great it is he finished his meal and brought me the plate. I make a point to touch him and dance with him around the kitchen. I even squeeze his hand or kiss him in public - just to keep him connected. Lately, I stop on a dime and ask him to give me a hug or a kiss, he does it with love – but not without my request. I give him constant reassurance I am here for him and I am not leaving. Each month our life changes, his mind changes and we have to readjust to his new challenges. I get frightened of the changes ahead, so I try hard to deal with the daily change and stay on a pattern and routine that brings my own feeling of safety and comfort as well as George’s.
I know you are feeling very similar things, and I know that tears and heartache are close to the surface of your daily life. But we can do it, we can escort our loved ones on this journey and still be a functioning person at the end. We can find honor and love in our senior even on their worst days and we can find peace and calm in our own hearts in midst of total chaos around us. We are stronger than we ever knew and I am proud of myself and of you.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Sandwiched Mom Caregiver Squeezed with Stress
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspiritl.com
Dear Francy; I am a single mom of twin teen boys and have my 85 yro dad here too. I work under time deadlines and my life is falling apart. I’m shaky, my voice is nasty all day, I feel sick to my stomach most days and I do not know how to escape?
Well, bad news…no escape - it’s called life in stress. Your body and emotions are trying to tell you they are on max so we need to reduce your stress. Bodies show the side effects of high stress. You will find that stress makes a boiling pot of toxins in your body and when the pot boils over the toxins begin to effect your body chemistry and that is bad. That ais when you shake and when you have an upset stomach and so much more like high blood pressure. So, number one WATER you just have to force yourself to drown in water so the stress effects can be flushed away as much as possible. I know that adds extra duty to the bathroom, but you really have no choice if you want to come out of these few years of stress a healthy lady with your future – drink water till you drop!
Here are some tiny “kill stress” points to try to incorporate:
- WATER > Remember drinking will flush your system and just the act of taking a moment to drink interrupts the pressure points. So drink as much as you can. Do not count caffeine drinks in the mix they dehydrate and add garbage to the mix. You are trying to rinse out your insides and you do that with water with maybe a squeeze of lemon or a splash of fruit juice in the bottom of the glass. Buy a nice glass water container and take it where ever you work.
- BREATHING > you have to take time every hour on the hour to stand up and walk away from your work area or your kitchen area and just take a few deep breaths and then return and go back to it. Not a big break just little breaks that can keep you in a calmer state all day.
- STRETCHING >When you hit the floor in the morning, do not move- stretch like a cat. Just stretch out your body. No time for formal exercise, fine, but stretch. If you are standing in the kitchen making dinner do a back leg stretch or a side stretch- it will once again release the pressure on your muscles releasing stress.
- MASSAGE > if you stand all day then get yourself a foot bath with massage setting and before you hit the bed at night, fill it up and do a five to ten minute soak. If you stand or sit all day then you need a massage neck or back wrap and you would sit and turn it on for about 10-15 minutes while you are in your TV chair. You are telling your body, “I am relaxing and ready for bed now”- You will be able to release the muscle tention and get a deeper sleep.
- EYE SHADES > help keep your sleep dark and deep. Get in a habit of using them, you can find cute ones on Esty made by loving hands. They will keep the melatonin levels right and you will feel like you are on vacation in your own bed.
- MANICURE/PEDICURE > some times a treat for yourself is just the ticket to make your mind feel loved and relaxed. Stop into a local shop and get your feet done each month and add your fingers when you have extra time. It will pay you back triple the money you pay for the pampering services. Its not a day spa or Maui but it is pampering girl stuff in a all guy household.
- PLAN AHEAD>Make days very easy to remember. Sit down with yourself and plan. Do not live day to day. Planning can be broken and re written but it will give you a sense of being in charge, not being a victim of life. So Make Monday your laundry day and let the family know that it is and the dinner is simple tacos. Make Tuesday boys vacuum and do the garbage and your dad folds laundry, you have a slow cooker meal so it is easy. Give yourself one mid week TV nite and at least one day of family on the weekend. Figure it out by drawing it on paper. This way, you will have your shopping list in order, your household tasks in order and your biz work in order. It will release you of constant worry over where you are and what you have to get done.
- RULES > make rules that are real for your 3 men. Tell them one is in charge of this, the other that and your Dad this…make it tasks that are easy for them to learn or do, but will release you of some of the everyday tasks. Tell them you are feeling stressed out and worried about your own health. Being honest with young children and seniors is so important. Life is not about them, it is about all of you. So tell them you need help and they can all do that if they would just make sure their main task is done each week for the family. Then do not do that task. If the garbage build up, there is a reaction of no $ or treats for that son…if your dad refuses to load the dishwasher he can eat his least favorite food for a couple of days without dishes. Life has to have rules and you have to set them with real meaning.
- TO DO LIST > Each night do a fast 10 item to do list. It will organize your thoughts, it will tuck your worry away for the night. Then remember to cross of your to do list tasks. It is very important that you see that you have gotten task done. Busy people tend to feel they have never gotten anything done in a days work. That is not true, it is just that one task fades into another and you feel like the chores are never ending. Your mind needs to be rewarded, cross through your task done so you can really see your success each day. Task not done can go into the next day…who cares, it all works out in the end. The po