Scones Easy Recipe Treats for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Most care givers are busy, tired or very young and many do not know how to bake. Yet a Senior in Care loves the taste of homemade and that means they eat so much more when you take time to do a little baking. I try to think of things that are easy to make and seniors will be happy to eat…so give this one a try. Lots of seniors lose their taste for food as they add more and more health problems to their lives, if you can add a tasty treat instead of a boring microwave heated dinner–you will see a marked improvement. NO, you do not have to bake on a daily basis, but easy bake items once to twice a week give the senior a tickle to their taste buds. You can add a fun pick me up for your family and your senior in care…with this easy breezy recipe
For me scones are a part of my heritage. I live in Washington state and over 100 years ago our state fair began in Puyallup, Washington. A company called Fisher was trying to sell their flour and they wanted to advertise it by selling something good to eat, easy to bake at the fair and have folks talking. Scones were what they decided try and it was a winner with hundreds of thousands sold each year. All these years later we still all go to the fair craving a few of the delicious fair scones that we remember from childhood. You can buy the fancy package to make the scones at home…but the easier and quicker way to enjoy them is to use quick baking mix. You know like Bisquick…but now I use the quick baking mix from Walmart its cheaper and just as easy and yummy.I keep the mix in a large plastic bin so it stays fresh and I can use it for easy baking anytime. Even when I am using another kitchen while I am care giving…the baking mix is on the shelf ready for me when I need it.
This mix takes very little prep and very few ingredients so you will find even a person who never bakes a thing– can make this and enjoy the flavor. You will have to look around your own or the senior’s kitchen a day before to see what they have on the shelf, but it is usually easy to find stuff. Now I make them like they do at the fair, nice and fluffy, filled with butter, raspberry jam and a hit of whip cream inside…it simply melts in your mouth. You do not want to make a big batch because it’s a “eat them while fresh” type of thing. If you have leftovers share them with other seniors in your neighborhood. I have wrapped them and left them on door knobs of neighbors to have them call back raving about the taste. It’s nice to have a thanks but it is so easy you will see that the praise gets embarrassing.
First you start by making sure the oven is empty. Unused ovens often hold pots and pans, so clear it out and set the rack in the middle and then dial the oven on button to set the temp at 400. Let that get hot as you prep your recipe and it will be just right when you’re ready to bake. You will use a regular bowl and need a cookie sheet, or something like it to bake it in. All stoves come with a baking dish with rack if you can not findanything like a cookie sheet, you might find it in the senior’s kitchen look under the stove in the drawer, it will be there. You just need a large baking dish or sheet and you can spray it with a Pam like spray —> make sure you spray it over the sink so the floor does not get slippery.
Now that you have all the support stuff ready it is time to put the recipe together. You’ll find this so easy to do. Find a bowl and open the quick baking mix and dip out 2 cups of the mix. You will add 1/4 cup of sugar to the mix and toss it with a couple shakes of nutmeg. Crack two eggs in a smaller bowl and use a fork to stir the eggs to mix them and then add them into the baking mix you have in the bigger bowl. Use your fork and mix until the mixture sticks together into a ball…it will be a little wet but dont worry.
Now, spread out a big piece of wax paper on the counter, or you can use a linen towel. Put the ball of dough in the center of the wax paper and push down on the dough so it is in a flat circle. Now start to fold over 1/2 of the circle onto the other and push down. Use the wax paper to push it down so you dont get your hands to0 sticky. Now you just repeat this action so you are building up the layers. When the scones bake they will rise and have yummy layers. Fold over 1/2 of dough onto itself and push down. Till you do this four times. Now press the dough down, push it into a circle again and then down to slightly flatten it out with the wax paper on the bottom and top until it is in a round that is about six inches across.
Cut the dough like a pizza into about 6 sections and pick them up with a spatula and place them onto the greased baking sheet. Keep them slightly apart because they will rise and expand as they bake. Put 2 tbsp of butter (covered) in the microwave for just a few seconds (10-15sec) to melt and then spread over tops of the sections. Sprinkle lightly with more sugar and sprinkle over the top with just a hint of nutmeg. Bake for about 6-10 minutes OR until light golden brown. Turn on the oven light and keep an eye on them so they dont over bake but they will be thick and they will need to get golden brown to be done all the way through. Take out of oven and place on a new piece of wax paper. Let it sit for a min and get the fillings ready to go. I love the taste of raspberry jam, but any jam, jelly or if nothing on shelf even syrup would do. Slice the scone open just enough to push in some butter that will melt on contact and then use a small spoon to slide in the jam and when that is done- stick the Reddi Whip nozzle in the opening and give it a short shot of whip cream.Oh my, now smell…it will knock your socks off so good
Serve with hot tea or coffee…it is so easy and yet so good. The smell just wafts up as they bake and the melting butter, jam and whip cream make it look so good. They’re served in small wax paper bags at the fair and everyone walks around eating them by hand. But I like them on a plate with a fork so I can enjoy every bite.
Come on how easy was that…it will smell wonderful, taste good and bring back memories of tea time with your mother when you were a child. It is so yummy that I’m leaving this computer and going to the kitchen to make a batch myself. Enjoy your home-made warm and sweet treat! Boy is George going to be surprised! francy
You will find more ideas of how to care for the seniors, your spouse and your parents in my Senior Care Workbook 101. It was written for those of us who are not nurses and still have to give care with quality to our family members. You will find it on the products page www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Help My Parents Can Not Take Care of Each Other
by francy Saunders www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My dad is 82 with mild dementia and osteoporosis and my mother is 80 with heart problems and weakness. They simply can no longer care for their own needs without my help. I have increased my time with them up to 2 hrs a day but I am at the end of my ability to care for them. We have no money for a retirement home and I do not know what to do? I have three siblings, all male and unable to give care and so I am on my own here.
OK, if there is simply no money (I understand they are in a smaller and older home) Here are some steps to help you out:
- Make sure you have your name on the Health Care Directive for both of them. This is a form that is filled out and it then goes to the notary so you can make decisions legally for your parents.
- Remove your attachment to your parent’s home and look at it with an eye if you were going to sell the home tomorrow. Walk through the house and mark down what has to be done to ready for sale. Heavy cleaning with older folks living there unable to see dirt or move furniture or refrigerators to get things cleaned. Walls need paint, wall paper needs to be removed, bathrooms need painting and new faucets, updating and kitchen needs declutter? Write it all down in a notebook. Edit down their things no longer used as much as you can and still keep your parents feeling safe and cozy in their home. Changes are hard for elders so make them with ease and in a quiet manner.
- Now, think about getting a reverse mortgage, that’s a way a lot of families are dealing with monthly income. Call a reverse mortgage place and have them come and look at the home and explain all the benefits and downfalls. That is what they will do. They will make a flat fee for doing the paperwork on the mortgage and it is done through the government, so you can feel free to take their time and ask questions. It means it is a way for your parents to get the money they have invested in their home out each month. Then when they pass the home is sold and if there is anything left it goes to their heirs on their will.
- Call a local real estate person and ask them to simply come and view the home and evaluate it for you. They will do this with the hope that you will use them as an agent when you choose to see the home. Also ask them if the home is rentable as an income instead of selling, they will know the area and give you guidance.
- Call the Veterans Association, if one of your parents has served in the military and see where they are on the health care coverage. You will find it’s a sliding scale according to the time and type of service they served. If the Vets will help with care you can enjoy their services and save some money on care.
- Call their Medicare supplement insurance company and tell them you need them to send you a booklet on the outline of what care their plans are providing. Then you know where you stand with money for services for your parents. Twice a year you can change Medicare supplement insurance companies, you may find that now that your parents are in a higher need of care, there is other insurance policies that will cover more of the costs. Make some calls and study the Internet on this issue, it can make a big difference in money spent.
- If they have attended a faith center call and ask what type of community care they provide. Often large faith centers have seniors that will give you an hour or two a week, a dinner program, or in home visiting program. It all helps.
- Ask about Meals on Wheels in your parent’s area, this program is delightful for seniors that no longer cook. You can supplement the extra pie or cookies, take them extras on the bigger meals you cook at home and still have the meals in the freezer for your parents to microwave. If they no longer can cook or reheat, then that option will not be there for you.
- Call the state welfare and ask for a booklet on what type of care they provide for seniors with small incomes and they will send you information on that form of help. This is really important, because once you know what money you have to work with you can then move on and hire help accordingly. Lets say the state will only give you food coupons, that means a couple hundred a month on their income that can be spent on care givers not food. It is a good thing to ask for help, it is there for elders and it has been paid for by your parents in their taxes for years. The state may also pay you to care for your parents so your own time with them could be increased with an income or other care services could be added.
Now that you know about their money income it is time to add to your in home care assistance or to a more traditional adult care home, or assisted living facility.
- It is not easy to keep a couple together in assisted living if they have different types of care required. Dementia has a staff trained to handle emotional problems and health side problems. Health care for mom takes care givers that are trained for challenging medications- those are two different care giving situations and it may take time and extra looking to find a facility or home that will fulfill both care issues. So start to call today, if you think your parents will need a spot to go to in the next few months. There are waiting lists in many facilities and you want to be prepared not stunned when the time comes to take that step. Even if you think it will be another year, talk and get on waiting lists.( This is what I do for my income, I help families find those facilities and make their senior’s transition into them. I do not charge the family a fee.)
- If you are going to be staying on as their care giver you have to know it will be a more time consuming effort than what you are giving now. You will sit down with your brothers and have a talk. It is no joke, this has to be an adult conversation about your parents, without your parents in the room. So you can be free to speak of their health challenges and let them all know that things are heating up and growing out of control for you personally to care for them. Many family members respond to money rather than time. So explain it will take a min of $10 up to $25 dollars an hour for in home care. If they need only 4-5 hrs a day that is $100 a day…that can add up fast and then show them your parent’s income. This is how people look at problems. To sit down and say, I need help is not enough – show them, the needs, the time,and the money needed — that is what will shake them into understanding the problem.
- Tell them your options, you have now done your home work so show them the different ways that care can be given and afforded. Then ask for their support, not their help. If they have not helped in the past, they will not help now. But ask them to support you with additional money each month, even if they give you $35 a month that could buy the Ensure that your parents drink everyday, or the Depends they use, or help with a bath lady each week. Every small amount is appreciated and the commitment has to be long term. The bath lady has to be paid each week if they give the money or not. Make decisions on reality not promises.
- If the house is going to be sold to pay for your parents care, then you ask the family to help you ready it for sale. You may not be able to remodel or update, but you can clean. Just take one room at a time, clean out closets, give things to family and good will, do not put yourself through big yard sales, they are to hard on you. Giving time and care is overwhelming, do it with thought about your own health.
- Paint as many rooms as you can to give it a low key color update. Use colors that are popular in your area. Update little things like lite fixtures in the bathroom and new faucets in the kitchen. Use the inexpensive vinyl tiles that you can easily put down over old vinyl floors, remove carpets if the house has wood floors and polish the floors. If you plan your actions over the next two months with help from your brothers on room by room, the house will look fresh and clean and update the yard to make it have nothing junky outside and just a clean lawn and some bark on the flower beds. Then you will be able to get the most for the house without remodel prices.
- You will need to keep your parents calm while you are doing this so if the project is big ask a brother to take one or both of your parents for a weekend so you can do the work without them worrying over it all.
- If you are not going to sell the home right away, still do as much of work as you can as you go along. The day of selling the home will be close in the future and work has to be done now or then.
- You will need to call an in home health care service. They have trained nurses, PT, OT, nutrition and bath ladies. They also handle the care giving with light housekeeping, cooking and tending care givers. All trained, bonded and ready to help you with chores for your parents. What you can not do, they fill in. This is easiest way to get help. You can add a few hours a week at first, a bath lady is my favorite pick and then increase as the need and finances are there for extra help. They are also ready to be your back up if you are unwell and unable to attend to your parents needs. They will come to your home and do a review and then you set up a plan of needs.
- If you choose to directly hire someone to cover for you each day, make sure you do a background check and call the references, you want a quality person to care for people you love. Horror stories can be avoided with doing a good check on the person’s prior job abilities and people skills. No smoking, drinking or drugs are allowed by any care giver so let them know that from the get go. Ask your Tax Person how to make the payment to the person you hire on your own. A service takes care of all taxes and pays your caregiver for you. I you hire a person on your own, payment for the person is up to you. Remember to ask if the care givers are a tax deduction for your parent’s taxes too. Remember if your parent or parents are in your home, they can be your own tax deduction for their care.
Now, I have a workbook that was designed for family members to read and use if they have never had any training in caring for a seniors. You will find my book under Products page of my website www.caregivingwithspirit.com. Its called Care Giving 101 Workbook and you can download it as an E-book or as a printed workbook sent to you via mail. That will detail the basic care giving needs and how to handle them for you as time goes on. I have both health and Alzheimer’s tips in the workbook. Its been a great help for many who are facing giving care to parents and or spouses.
Hope this all helped you – you can find me on Twitter @seniorcaretips and this wordpress site has many older blog entries that you will find helpful as you add giving care to an already busy life with your own family and job. I also have a talk radio site that is fun to give a listen – its an easy click from my website…thank you for your time and blessings on your giving care.
Please do send me emails if you have a question on care, I am happy to help. francy
Where Do I Go for an Early Alzheimer’s Check
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My husband is in the final stages of prostate cancer and I’m afraid I am getting Alzheimer’s. I’m forgetting treatment times, medication details and all sorts of other things. I have to write everything down and then I forget where I put my notebook. I am so worried, I need to be together in my mind to help my husband. How can I get tested for Alzheimer’s and get on one of the pills they advertise on TV?
I am so pleased you came to me to ask this question. I am going to list all the basics of Alzheimer’s Testing and early onset information for you so you can look it over and see what you need from the list. But before you read that list, I want to hover for a moment. Spouse care-giving is one of the hardest jobs on earth. I am not making that up, it’s a 24/7 job that requires every ounce of your mind and body to give loving care. Your husband is now entering a hard time of treatment and that means you are too, so your body needs rest, good food and maybe a good blood testing to check your hormones and thyroid. Memory is very stress related, so please give yourself a good check up and see what your own body says as well as what your mind is doing. My Georgie has Alzheimer’s and I can get so tired and confused with his meds and his care that I often feel that my own mind is slipping. It’s a normal way to react to stress, so please get your general doctor to take a look at you and tell the Doctor what you are going through so they can help. OK, that said, here we go with Memory Testing 101
Here is a review of Memory and Early Alzheimer’s Testing Information:
- The type of doctor that treats Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s is called a neurologist and you will find them by asking your own primary doctor for a referral. Both of those conditions intertwine and need a specialist to really diagnosis properly. You want to go directly to a neurologist for the Alzheimer’s Memory Testing because the testing changes and updates and the specialist keeps up to date with the new additions to the testing and treatments.
- You want to have what is called a Memory Test. This is a test that is designed for different memory conditions and consists of word reviews and small memory tests. What is nice about getting this test done is that is gives you a baseline. Just like when you go and get a glaucoma test, diabetes sugar level, or a prostate test and they use the pressure or count of the blood for the “baseline” for those conditions. Then as time goes on they can see how fast you are moving through and beyond the baseline in the months or years to come. My Georgie felt his memory was bad and we did a memory test for two years before the doctor felt he was within range of treating with medication. The doctor was able to see if Georgie was moving fast or slow on his decline in memory function. We are very lucky to have the Seattle Veteran’s Hospital Memory Clinic treating us with the latest information and medications.
- You will find Memory Testing Clinics in your area, you can look it up on Google for your home area or just go through your own primary doctor to find one or use the neurologist that he suggests as a testing site.
- Poor memory, fuzzy thinking, or a senior moment (as we say) can all be related to many different situations. Like you, a person can be under a great deal of personal stress and it’s causing your brain to simply overload. It can be physical due to hormonal, thyroid, low blood sugar, or other medical conditions. So you want to really talk to your primary doctor about it. So do not get overly worried about Alzheimer’s – that is not the only reason for memory loss.
- Never let any doctor talk you out of your own feeling about your body. You are now an adult, you have lived in your body for years, you know what you can and can not do. A temporary problem has a reason and may just relieve itself when the pressure or current situation lessens. But all in all - YOU are the one that feels your body. If you feel like your mind is not responding then ask for a Memory Test. There is no harm done to get one. If you feel your memory gets worse in six months then make an appointment with the specialist.
- If your doctor gives you tests and you are fine and you pass the Memory Test with flying colors then think about taking some of the mind testing puzzles and exercises that they have now to keep your mind growing. The cells in your brain do grow back and you can keep them growing by expanding your knowledge and your skills. Its time to take up that knitting class, or get back to doing woodworking, or needlework, or doing puzzles. There is travel and lectures and fun movies and the History Channel on TV. Keep your brain working outside of what you do on a daily basis. Even if your job is very detailed, or high powered, do something different to build new brain connections.
- Many experts believe strongly in exercise for help with the brain functions. Yes, a daily walk does it all, good for the heart, the brain and the body…so force yourself to walk with a dog, a friend or take a simple senior exercise class 2-3 times a week. (By the way…senior is over 50 not 75 it is just a change of time and body not the end of life)The difference may shock you. You do not exercise just for weight reduction, you move to keep everything moving!
- Do not be afraid to take time to read about supplements that help with senior aging and Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s and such. You will find chat rooms on the Internet that are filled with seniors that have different conditions and just want good long life and they discuss different supplements that work for them. Remember good nutrition does not cost an arm and a leg. Good food and good supplements can be price shopped just like anything else you buy.
- Breathing and sleeping. They are killers if you ignore them. Starting your day with a get out of bed- big cat stretch and then taking three deep, really deep breaths and letting the oxygen get into your brain- can change your life. That’s why so many folks are doing Yoga and Tai Chi, they are easy to learn and specially designed for seniors and people with back and other problems. So do not say NO to something new. You can check out a Yoga for Seniors CD at the library for FREE to see what it’s like and then join a group at your local Y or senior center to get moving.
- Sleeping is simply a must your brain needs five hours of continual sleep to repair itself each night. That really is not a lot of sleep. So if you are just laying in bed or watching TV for hours during the middle of the night go to your doctor and talk to him about it. Being stressed, lonely, or having physical pain can cause lots of us to sleep less, that is why they have medications to help us out. Don’t be so stubborn that you ruin your health – go to a doctor and talk about your changing body, because your body will change you know.
- Eating what you want or what your body wants? It is always hard to talk about what goes in you and what comes out. But the truth is food has to feed your body not just your whims and it has to come out of your body to remove the toxins. So if you are having a few too many chips and to few poops…talk about it to your doctor. So many people are embarrassed about their bowel movements or their urinary problems, or their late night eating…and that embarrassment causes colon, prostate and diabetes conditions. Funny how your memory could be related to your bowel movements, but toxins do awful things to our bodies, so getting your body checked out is what an adult person does. It has nothing to do with you it has to do with your body function and your medical history and your family history, too.
- Hormones are for guys and gals and having a panel run when you see your doctor is really smart. So is the check up of your allergies. As we age our allergies can change and they make a difference in how our body works, how we should be eating and just the quality of life issues.
- So, all of this just for memory? Yes, because the secret to Alzheimer’s is it is not just a memory problem. It was my Georgie’s emotional changes that tipped me off that something was really wrong. After all we had been married for years and friends for years and suddenly he was arguing with me over nothing, debating any topic, short-tempered, angry at his own lack of abilities that come with age, treating me totally differently then he had for all our years of marriage. That was my clue that something had to be checked and when the neurologist checked him out for the third memory test and then I told him of Georgie’s emotional upsets…the doctor gave him a medication for stress. Not a medication for memory. The doctor told me in early stages of Alzheimer’s stress and upset about the loss of memory and abilities is the greatest change, so Zoloft came first. Then he moved on to treat with memory medication.
- Medication for Alzheimer’s is not found in a TV ad. It is not that easy. Those are ads for drugs that may or may not even effect the memory. Our doctor would not even prescribe the well known drug you see on TV, he said he had no response to it at all. What he said was that Alzheimer’s is turning into a condition that has new drugs often and a cocktail of drugs or medications will be used for the next few years until they find a medication that can effect all the different aspects of the condition. For instance Georgie got a shuffle and I was so worried about him falling, the doctor gave him a higher medication level and the shuffle was gone. It is not just memory, Alzheimer’s effects many different parts of the body. The cells change and the communication between the cell changes so the different medications are designed to treat one problem here and one problem there. Each patient has different issues and their bodies display different response to medications. Thats why each patient will have a combination or a cocktail of different medications that can pin point their own problems. But the sooner the Memory Test is done and the emotional review is revealed the specialist is able to suggest medications that can slow down the pace of Alzheimer’s as well as other related conditions.
- Don’t be afraid of memory loss, it hits all of us…but don’t ignore it. If your family has had problems with memory than it is even more important to take a look see and get an Early Memory Check-up.
Thank you for your email and I hope this review helped. I’m always happy to help guide someone to a place for information and there are so many special groups that are supporting Alzheimer’s patients and families. You will find them on Twitter, Facebook, and any browser will guide you to places to review the medications, the test studies, and the support groups. Joining a test study is a great way to help yourself and others move the cure of Alzheimer’s forward. You are never in harm when you join test study groups they are always open with what they do for you and with you when you enter the study. They usually are found at your larger Universities that have Medical or Research programs.
Please join me on Twitter @seniorcaretips and visit my website for more information at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Elders Need Cheer Sessions
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My mother seems to be going into a deeper depression. She seems to be recovering physically well from her last small stroke, but she is just not herself. She feels down and not involved with everyday life. I am having a problem with her paying attention to what the day is or what food she wants to eat. How can I bring her around?
I am sure you have spoken with the doctor about her depression, that is a part of the brain that is also effected by the stroke and special medications can be prescribed to help her with her mental state. As the brain repairs it has to be exercised just like you are doing with her body. So you will have to make sure you participate in her emotional wellness as well as how well she walks or talks as she recovers. Even if you are talking to her over the phone each day, or in person, you will be doing a few things that will involve her mind and emotions so she gets back into life with her body and mind.
Here are some tips:
- Your interaction with a recovering stroke victim is in the morning or in the afternoon after food and a nap. So you get them fresh, it will be up to you to arrange your own schedule around that time frame.
- When speaking to the senior, use an up tone in your voice so they can see a difference in an everyday conversation, and an animated conversation. As you would a very young child of two or three, use words and facial expressions that include smiles, laugh, questions, and surprise.
- Prepare yourself with a list of things to talk about and always start with the day of the week. Endless days mean losing interest. “Hi Mom how is your Tuesday morning going?” That is a good way to begin, not to challenge her with a question that she can fail at the answer like “What day is today?” – Start with a positive statement that will inform her. Then go over what you know to be her usual Tuesday tasks. “I know you will be doing your wash this morning do you have it in the washer already? NO, well you can do that when we hang up and today is your day to see your friends for cards. What are you going to wear? –who is going to pick you up? OK, good well you’re going to have a busy day. I will let you go so you can finish your washing and getting dressed for the girls. I will call you this afternoon, when do you think you will be back home again?”
- Taking information you have and making sure it is restated and then adding questions that are easy for her to answer is how you begin. When you call back in the afternoon, you will ask about her food for that evening and suggest a TV show that is coming on that you want to watch and you will call her just before it begins to remind her so she doesn’t miss it. Ask if her wash is in the dryer and how the card party was with the girls, stretch her mind with asking about what she ate and who won at cards. Ask over anything new with the girls. Get her to talk about things that are up front in her brain. Bring out more than yes or no answers, with an upbeat voice again, ask about what the girls were wearing or where they went for lunch. Push her brain, push it in the direction that she has always had interest in, but know when to be calm and listen.
- When she does something more the normal daily tasks, make a big deal out of it. Let her know you are proud of her. “Wow, mom you did the wash this morning, had lunch out with the girls and then you came home and went over the floor in the kitchen? You are really on a roll, good job” – “You have gotten so much done and I have just been here at work all day, I’m impressed.”
- When you go over to visit and you see the house in a mess…remember her mind has to learn how to organize again. So roll up your sleeves and get one room done at a time. Find small clear plastic boxes that are easy to carry and fill them up with like items and then use a large print label maker to mark them. Just like you did for your toddlers when they had so many small toys, cars, crayons remember? Now it is your mother’s time to organize, vacuum bags, filters or parts in one box. Candles and matches in another. So when she is missing something and in a huff looking for it, she can open a cupboard and read the box. It helps her mind relearn how to stay organized and find things instead of being stuck inside a swirl of a mess.
- When the mind is healing from a stroke or other trauma, or in the middle of dementia the home needs to be clear and clean around the senior. If the front room or kitchen was covered with small items art or otherwise, pack them away for a while. Tell the senior you are clearing it to prepare for the room to be painted and we will go through the box and get things back in place after the painting. Then remove the box to a place in the garage or storage area. Look around the room and see it with an eye that could get distracted. Look again, what needs to be in the room and what is just extra clutter for the brain?
- Example; lots of seniors have a full wall of photos of grandchildren and family members right by their TV chair so they can see it. If you look again at that wall, it becomes a maze of endless photos that have been added to over the years. So, how about picking out three or four pictures that the senior loves. Take down the older pictures, fill the holes in the wall and repaint and then put up the four larger photos in a row…so it is easy on the mind’s eye to focus on the pictures not to just see a jumble of frames. It will calm the senior’s eye and make it easier for them to rest while they are in their favorite chair.
- Asking your mom to help you, is a great way to help her recover her old self. What did you two always do together, maybe you cooked together, or sorted clothes in the kids room, played golf, walked, or painted walls, pictures, or worked in the yard together. Plan in your mind a task that is no longer than two hours and ask your senior to help you. Have the task all planned out so the beginning and end can happen in a short time. Together you work and together you get it done. You can stand back and admire the great result together, you can talk to others about how your mother helped you finish the task when you are so short on time. You become her cheer leader over a simple task, but it gives her such a feeling of accomplishment.
- Let go anything that no longer brings her pleasure. The brain in trauma, stroke recovery or dementia is simply changing, so if at one time your mother loved to bake cookies and now it is a chore. Let that part of your mother drop away. She will fill the void with a new enjoyment she has changed and changing is what we all do. This change was just more sudden than others.
- Anger is an emotion that will come to you and to your mother on her recovery. My husband has his dementia moments and out of those comes so much personal doubt that anger is his way to express the confusion of his brain not responding as he wants. Often stroke patients Even those with TIA’s or baby strokes- can find words are lost to them, actions are lost, rituals are no longer there, lifetimes of interest on certain subjects have faded…it will take your own personal patience to deal with this. You can see if you can easily move them back to the once loved interest or change it into a smaller and less stressful experience. My husband used to love WWII books and would read them endlessly, now he is unable to remember enough to read, so I have gotten him into the Military Channel on the TV. It’s the same information it just comes to him in a way he can absorb and enjoy it easier than reading.
- Even in days or times of anger…you have to stay calm. You have to back away and give them time to defuse and then re-enter and change the mood or the thought pattern so the day can go forward with joy, not stuck in anger. It takes a lot of creative thought on your part, but being there to cheer them on, will allow them to heal in a positive way instead of simply retreat on a daily basis.
I know you have had to do a lot to care for your mother. Stokes can happen in clusters, just as your mother gets well, she could be hit again. So make sure her meds, supplements and her food keeps her as protected and even in body chemistry as possible. You are the person that will give her life a guidance to calm and joy…you are giving her a gift of more than care, you are gifting her with true love. Thank you.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
How to Deal with Elder Losing a Child or Pet
francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: I care for my Aunt. She is 87 and her two children live out of state. News has arrived that her daughter has died unexpectedly and I am wondering how to handle this when she is already so confused?
Thank you for sharing this question, I just had a similar event with a death of a daughter of a dear friend that had lost his wife within the last couple of years. This is always a hard emotional challenge and then you add age and health challenges and you are in a pickle trying to give support.
Here are some tips:
- Even if someone is in a coma, I tell them gently about sad news. I remember years ago a couple we knew were in a tragic auto accident and the husband died and wife was gravely wounded. Their son sat next to the mother while she was in a coma and told her that her husband has passed. He did it with such gentle words and asked her to just relax and know he was there by her side. Months later she told him, that she did not remember his words but she did know that her husband had died when she came to and she felt he had been with her as she went in and out of her unconscious state. Giving her the choice to deal with bad news while she was so ill is a scary thing, but keeping real life from someone that is alive is pointless.
- Be gentle with words, using a soft but consistent voice and keeping your emotions down is important. Everyone cues off of the person they are with so if you are upset, they will be upset.
- Get a picture of the person that has passed and take it with you when you speak of the death. Hold it up for them and let them absorb the feelings or memories that they have of the person. If they are suffering from dementia, take a childhood picture and an adult picture so the elder is able to grasp onto either memory.
- If memories are lost, then remind them. Tell them a little story about their life and include the person that passed>Like: “Auntie, when you were young you were married to a nice man and you had two children. One was a daughter Megan and she grew up to be very pretty, smart lady and loved you very much. I am sorry to tell you that your Megan is gone, she died today. She will not be coming to see you again. Do you understand? Do you have a question for me?” Let them express how they feel. They may remember and be upset or not connect at all. It will all flow, but to give them honor you do not hold back news of life.
- If they go into a very agitated state, then you want to call the doctor and tell the office what has happened and ask them for assistance. Many times doctors will prescribe just a few pills to help a person get through two or three days of extreme tension while they are processing their grief.
- If the person forgets about the death in times to come, that is fine. It is up to you to inform them, not remind them on a daily basis. Maybe their mind can not remember, or maybe they choose not to accept the loss. Both of those things are fine for an elder that is unwell.
- Let others in the family know the extent of grief the elder is feeling. They may not express their grief to a visiting friend or relative, but you as there care giver see the grief in their actions and response and you know that things have changed even if they are not expressing that change verbally. So, quietly inform the family or visitor before they engage in conversations.
- Many times elders want to talk about their own dealth when there is a passing of a friend or relative. This may upset the family but it is very normal and you need to let them talk it out. That is the key, let the elder set the tone of the conversation and you follow their lead. Guiding them to as much positive thought patterns as you can with your return conversation. Always leaving the conversation on an up note about the future of that day or an event that is coming up. Just do not rob them of feeling sad, nor rob them of feeling it is OK to look forward to another day or week of their own life.
- I remember my husband trying to comfort me when I lost my sister telling me her medical accident was for the best because she would have suffered with cancer and this had removed that future suffering. It was his way of being kind, but it upset me. A death is a death, it does not matter if it is an accident, a health concern, a suicide or an older age event. It is still the end of someone’s life and grief needs to honored. Do not try to make the death have a reason, just leave it as it is. A child lost, is lost, no matter what the cause. Honor and respect the sadness a parent will have and will carry for the rest of their life. Unhappy feelings have to be felt and it is good to know and let them just be.
- Allow the senior to grieve give them space and time. I always bring out a picture of the person or pet that has passed and place a candle in front of it and light it on the day of the death and then in the evening for a week or two. It is not meant to be a ritual of faith, it is just a ritual that allows the person to express their grief and remember and honor the passing.
- If the elder is very involved in their faith then notify a local chaplain and ask them to visit. Let them have time alone, even if they are in a place of confusion, let the faithful and long heard words of prayers be said for the elder. Let their mind absorb the ritual of faith and let it comfort them. No matter what their chosen faith a lifetime of prayer comes back when they hear old prayers or songs.
- Attending funerals, this is simply up to the family to judge. My mother had lost so many friends by the time she passed at 100 years that she was unable to go to memorials any longer. They were just to depressing for her. I actually went to the memorial of her last dear friend’s passing on her behalf. Mother was happy that we were represented and she was able to process the dealth on her own without the large crowd of strangers at the memorial. I filled her in on the service and gave her a picture of the flowers and the memory booklet that they gave to me. It was a good way for her to experience but not get herself so involved she became ill.
- Do not under estimate the feelings of an senior or elder with a pet. Often when they lose all of their family or spouse they turn their love and whole inner support to a pet. This make the pet like a family member and dear loved one to the senior. Honor the pet as you woud a person, for they are thought of like that by the elder.
- Life without my sister has never stopped being sad. She has been gone twenty years now and you would think I would have tucked it away. But often I find tears on odd occations over her memory. Mother was the same way. There is no time limit to grief, some process fast and well, some accept the loss because they have experienced so many losses in their long years of life. Some grieve a pet more than their spouse. There is no rule…there just is.
I want to thank you for your time with your Aunt and your tender concern over her well being at this time of loss. It is a gentle miracle that she has you there to be with her. Some times its just knowing that someone is there with you that cares that will make the difference in the healing a broken heart. You are there and you have given her that support and I honor you for your caring touch.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
How to Bring Grandma Into Your Home
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I have decided that Mom just can not keep living on her own and in a state of worry each day. Her health is not ready for nursing care but I know she needs to be looked after more than a drop by each day. How do I tell my husband and kids and where will I put her? I live on a thin budget and I am worried.
Now this is a problem that I can help you with because I did the same thing and I have helped so many others do the transition smoothly. Here are my ideas and tips:
Moving Elders into Your Home Tips:
- After discussing it with your spouse and getting their approval, you call a family meeting. You will not be asking their approval, but informing them of the situation and letting them know a new arrival means there will be changes that might not be the most enjoyable. Depending on the age of your kids, let them live in the elders shoes, explain why the change, why the elder is no longer safe in their own home that way the family has a base of understanding that this decision is how we treat and care for family. You make room for children when they are born into the family, you make room for elders when they retire into advanced family care.
- Make it clear to your family and to YOU that this is a change that is not going to just go away or get old. This is a commitment on your part and your elders that life will be together through thick or thin. If money gets low, or someone gets unwell in the family, or a move has to be made- the elder is now a part of your family and will be with you for good or bad family times. That is life making room for an elder is a serious decision that once made is made, not changed because of an argument. You do not throw out babies or elders because they are extra work or a pain to live with…so think this step out very carefully and inform all; that this is a commitment of heart and honor on both sides.
- Set up some rules of the house so every one can work within a fair basis of comfort living. Kids do not invite friends for an overnight if Grandma is using the living area for her bedroom. Things will change, but the changes do not have to be huge, just considerate on all sides.
- Plan your elder’s living area. They need their own room, even if your children have to share a room, that is better than an elder sharing a child’s room. If no extra bedroom is there, then take an area that can be shared like the dining room. Put the big table in the kitchen, living area, or storage. Put up a day bed that can be used as a sitting area during the day. Always give privacy from public areas, you can hang a curtain or a bamboo shade to enclose the privacy for the senior.
- Try to bring the senior’s favorite things with them. A good sitting chair, a side table for bed and chair, a little desk or bookcase, favorite books, family memory photos, jewelry, special mementoes and art that can be incorporated into your home. This is the time for them to distribute family things to their children and grand children, not at their death. Do not rent a storage unit. If your elder is going to move in with you and it does not work, they will be in a care facility with little space, so there is no going back to an apartment living for the elder, this is a life change, not a try out.
- Paint the area to match the elder if you can. If your home is high energy color reflecting an action family….lower the tones for the elder so they can relax and rest in their space.
- Decide on the bathroom the elder will use. You might have them use a half bath and just take a weekly bath or shower in the kid’s bath. Always make room for their personal products. A basket with their bathroom items tucked on a shelf makes their things private. Young kids do not understand false teeth or Depends. Make sure your family respects the privacy of the elder and no teasing takes place, bathroom humor is not appreciated by a person making a big change in their life.
- Keep elder drugs in a place in the kitchen or laundry area. That way it is away from the kids and in a place that can be sorted and the weekly pill try can be filled as well as meds reordered correctly.
- Use a closet in the hall or a rack in the laundry room for elder’s clothes, plastic drawers can be purchased for clothing. Sort over elders things and take clothes that fit the lifestyle they have now, not the clothes they wore ten years ago when they were active or working.
- Keep the elder with their friends as much as you can. If they go to a faith center away from you, take them back to the faith center once a month to connect. If they have a favorite Senior Center or exercise group try to keep them there or let them visit and replace those activities close to your home. Elders need to know their life has just moved, not changed or gotten lost. Emotional problems often stem from elders losing their friends, spouse, home and all connections…so work on keeping them as connected to their long established lifestyle.
- If your elder is into gardening and you are not, let them at it, get them started redoing your front yard and enjoy that the elder is giving back to the family. If the elder loves to cook, let them do a dinner during the week or make the lunches for everyone each day. Figure out how to use their talents with your needs and make room for change on your part as well as theirs.
- Hearing impaired does not mean shouting or loud TV. It means getting them a headphone remote for the TV so they can hear it, or putting on the text feature to run text on the bottom of the TV screen. It means turning down music to a normal range and take time to talk facing the elder not on the run.
- Careful walking with elders that may trip means removing scatter rugs and use double side carpet tape on larger rugs. It means making sure there are lights to see well in the public rooms and dogs that are trained to love not jump up on people. Think safety. If your kids are older you may have left those safety thoughts behind a long time ago, now get your mind going again on what your elder needs to be safe walking around the house.
- If the elder wants to make alot of calls, get them a cell phone and let them learn how to use it. Then they can call on their own phone without worry about family phone time. Get them their own TV if they need it and a radio or MP3 player with a head phone for music and talk radio listening.
- Do not be afraid to ask the senior for money to add to the family income. They can give you a couple hundred dollars a month for food and utilities, even if they are on a small social security income. They can pay for their own personal needs and medication products, specialty foods and clothing, too. Just be fair, do not take all their money and think they will not reflect emotionally to it.
- If your senior is part of your family…then you can take them off as a tax deduction. Ask your tax person how to do this before you take that action, but it can help you financially to do this. You can also get help with their house sales investment of money, or reducing their bills. Get help so you do not have to worry about funds for their care, talk to senior care consultants and let them help you with the legal part of your relationship. Remember their home sales will have to pay for their care for a long time, so be wise with the money. It is hard when you are limited on funds to care for an elder, but it can be done with advise.
- If the senior is unable to pay for their own medications ask the DR for help with pharmacy company programs. If you need to put the senior on state medical do so, they will pay for the medications and pay you to care for your parent if they are in need of more than just light care. Get a review, be in the know, so the money you spend on your elder is wisely spent.
- Make sure your senior has someone to talk to about you and your family living. A faith center person, a neighbor or other family member, that is a third party, should make a monthly visit. Get the elder to talk about their life. They may be afraid to say what upsets them, or they may be filled with upset and anger and need to vent it to make their life easier with you. Emotional health is often not understood until you live with someone, a doctor can also medicate to calm an elder, if you explain your concerns in a letter to him before your elder’s next appointment.
- Everyone has odd behaviors even you…so learn to live and let live, small things you have always done may need to change, that is not the end of any one’s world, it is just a change to make life easier for all parties. That is what makes living as a family work, you all have to adjust and talk and love and make changes to make sure each of you can enjoy life together. But elders find change upseting and hard and younger folks can adjust to change much easier, so that should set the tone when making family decisions.
Perfection is not the goal with a senior living with their family. But kindness on both sides is a must. Do not be afraid to have someone come in and talk to the family about problems, questions, ideas or concerns. Talking things out helps everyone. There is your way or the highway is not the way with a multi-generation family. Every one has to make way for privacy and for kindness for each other. Often the experience of grand parents living with children changes the child into a more understanding and caring adult in years to come. That means when it is your turn to need help, your own children will be more open to giving you loving care in your own older age.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one,
blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
Spouse Giving Care 24/7
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
A Talk with Francy; I have this picture in my mind of spouse care. I remember it from almost thirty years ago when my elder uncle cared for his wife with Parkinson’s. He had been a cared for man of leisure all his life because she had worked hard with her own interior design company in Seattle. She had worked long days all week, staying in a small apartment in the city. She would come home to Lakewood on the weekends to care for her husband who never worked a day of their 48 year marriage. She would take him to dinner, entertain with friends, leave him with a clean home, food for the week and bills paid. She worked into her mid- eighties when the Parkinson’s took her abilities away…she sold her business and came home. My uncle started to care for her in his own way. That way was not good. He was a man spoiled with his own life style and she was left alone most of the time. When you would visit, their home got messy, dirty and then horrid. Her care got lax and her food was awful. As she laid on the couch unable to move on her own, the room she was in was filled with trash. I worried about that the most; a woman who had filled her life with tranquil beauty was dying with trash everywhere she could see. I would bring dinner once a week and mother, in her mid eighties, would visit every month only to worry the rest of the month. We were unable to make changes, or move her to a care facility or do anything really. There were not the laws that we have now for seniors in care. So we just watched her care go down hill and wondered how my uncle could live his life in this manner. It wounded me and I have carried that frustration with me for all these years.
After my mother passed and I was then free from giving her care – I turned around and found my own husband suffering from dementia. It is a story that millions of people face but when it happens to someone you love so much, it just sends chills down your spine.
I am twenty years his junior and so at first I had a hard time telling the difference from him getting older and the dementia. But what I knew was the man that had given me a life of love and care, was not able to do most of things he had done in the past. So along with dealing with him, I had to change my own life and adjust to his needs. I remembered my uncle and vowed to give my husband solid good care.
Being a care giving spouse is a very odd roll. Part of you is still in the mind set of husband or wife loving your spouse…the other part goes into a roll of care giving mom that has to learn new talents to keep your spouse as well and strong as you can. It is not easy and it gets extremely lonely.
I suppose it’s the confusion that hits you with dementia. It not only consumes my husband’ mind, but it reflects off onto me. After a day of him asking my opinion over and over again, telling me he is going to do a task but never gets to the task- I often forget what he was suppose to do myself. Total confusion, spreads just like the flu. He will head out to the garage for a tool and stay there for half an hour. My worry buzzer will go off in my mind and I will go out to find him cleaning out the garbage can or sorting through the garden tools. He is off in his own world and nothing will bring him back. He is determined to accomplish some unknown task. So, I have to change his mind, I have to interject a new thought in his brain. “George would you come and help me I think the faucet is leaking and the water is going off everywhere?” Back he comes from the garage now re focused on a must do task. When he gets into the kitchen the faucet looks good and I say how good it is he fixed it. He will stand and look at it and wonder about it and I make him a cup of coffee or a sandwich and he moves on to that task. It’s a constant movement to keep him safe, calm and in a zone of happy thoughts.
At the same time, I have to make money. I can not leave the house and just leave him alone for any long period of time. But George is not in any way ready for a full time care facility. I do not make enough money to gift him a care giver each day or pay for a day center to leave him. So, I have to think of ways to make money from home with quick, less then two hour meetings with senior clients helping them find placement in care facilities. I do the research and find the facilities that fit their needs. They meet me at two facilities that I have chosen as the best and walk through them with the family and help them make the decisions. When I do not have a client I write and sell senior care help books and other how to ebooks and do my blog and tips on twitter @seniorcaretips
Once, I arrived back home to find my above stove microwave pulled apart and in a million pieces and my husband trying to fix it. I then had to step in and get him re settled with a new movie on TV…put the parts back as well as I can and then went to the store and bought a new microwave. The worry over him getting harmed or walking away while I’m gone is very strong. But as a working spouse care giver I have to try as hard as I can to keep him safe and still make a living.
I often bring George along with me to keep him busy and even then I worry he will get too stressed to make it through a long meeting with a client. I had a session with a lawyer last week and George just melted in the office, we had to get him outside to walk around and sit him in the car for me to continue and sign papers that were needed. I drove him over to a restaurant and after eating and talking he returned to his calm self and I was able to drive the 25 minutes home without worry.
Each day has its surprises. Some days are calm some are horrid. Some calm days can change in a second with anger and some awful days drive me to the edge. Where I have to take a deep breath and become creative to find a way to solve the current care giving problem. Problems can be solved, they just need the spouse to stay calm within and be creative about how to re focus or find where to ask for help.
My nights are filled with worries and sleep often eludes me. But I try hard to take naps, take breaks with time to meditate and do a lot of deep breathing through out my days. I eat good food and I take supplements that I am more than convinced keep me stronger than not.
I cook healthy food, not heat up frozen and I clean my home, but not with dedication. I talk to a select few that understand I need to vent and I need to laugh. I use my twitter group to release my tension and give to others to sooth my mind. I try to interact with George in a loving way even if I am on edge from an arguing session. I get him to waltz me around the living room, pour me a glass of wine, make my tea or rub my back so he remembers the pleasure of giving and caring for others. I have a good list of things for both of us to do each day…so we stay on a daily routine and I always tell myself that I’m a good and loving person even when I’m mad, as hell, at life.
The part that bothers me is the 24/7. There are no days off…only hours away. There are no – lets take a break weekends away when George gets so confused in his own home, let alone a new place. There are no go and visit your kids or sister when he has to be watched and one slip might mean him getting lost or getting so upset he gets sick. I have no escape, no way out. So, I have to remove that from my mind. I have to give myself a feeling of escape. By reading or watching TV in another room. By working in the garden while he takes a nap. By going out to the grocery store and giving myself time at a coffee shop or the library to read magazines. I have to make sure that he has a friend visit so I can just take a nap or go for a walk. Maybe take him to an exercise place so I can just listen to music or a book on my MP3 player, in the car.
His dementia/Alzheimer’s gets worse everyday…but in very slow and tiny ways. The doctor says he is progressing very slowly and that is good for George. But it is not good for me. I have to pay attention to his food and pills. I have to know when his episodes of anger and gait change are over the limit and we need to go to the doctor to get his meds changed. I have to make decisions for his regular health on a daily basis and it is a continual hardship to care that closely for another person. But I keep in my mind that I am giving a gift, not doing chores. I try to make his forgeting to take pills that I leave by his side at his TV chair- a joke and if they are not taken I remind him, tease him about it and watch him take them.
There are loney times. When I want to just talk to him, as my best friend and tell him about my day or my thoughts for the future. I want to have help with the taxes and the financal problems we have, I want him to surround me with his arms and just hug the world away. I want our close friendship of over 30 years to be there for me when I am doing the hardest job I have ever done, but it isn’t – my friend is already gone. I now stand alone, I stand next to him – but I am alone. Others that come and visit us see us together still – but we are not, he is gone in little ways and the gap grows each day.
I wish I could say, this story has a happy ending, but it does not. I am sitting in the living room typing while he is upset in the bedroom. Mad that he has to get up and dressed at almost three in the afternoon. I can be a difficult mom to him and he hates that part of our life. But what I know is that when they said through thick and thin when we married…I said those words and I meant those words and I am living those words with as much joy and love as I can each day. When the time comes that George is in a care facility I will continue to care for his daily needs in my own way…but just having him near is soothing to me. Someday, he will be gone and I will have all the time in world to do my nails and take lunch with my girl friends. Today, I choose to be next to him and I choose it day by day knowing that I make the choice to love and support him in my own way.
I don’t believe in caring for another until you drop over yourself. That is pointless, every spouse has to make the decision as to what degree they can give and help their loved one. We are all so different, some can care a long time, others can not give hands on care for any time at all…no one is better than the next, it is just who we are. But what I know is that we have to talk and reach out to others for help. We have to not allow ourselves to be all alone and scared, we have to tend to our own needs. If we do not stay strong, our spouse will fall faster and harder.
My tips from the heart? Eat, drink plenty of water, take good deep breaths, talk to your family and friends, kiss your spouse, argue with your mind not your mouth and laugh as much as you can. Joy is being a part of something and I suggest you join me on twitter, or any other support group in person or online. You get so many great ideas to help you through the care giving steps. I have a workbook on my site that gives all the basics in home care giving, take a visit and look, I think it will help you.
But most of all laugh as much as you can at the crazy things around you. Because when you stand back and look at your life it is a bit funny don’t you think?
Blessings, francy
I’m Helping Him but He’s Mad-Senior Anger
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My Dad is in his early sixties, he has been divorced and on his own for years. He is now going through a stage that he calls and needs me to do all sorts of things for him. I’m trying to be there for him, I go over when ever he calls, but I’m busy with my own family. When I do go over he’s angry with me. I am his only child and I sadly dread the visits, what can I do?
I understand and I am sorry about this it’s a way with older folks, many times men especially, will display anger when they have frustrations in their life. So, lets begin with his age of sixty plus, that is young he should live into his eighties or nineties, so think of him as a person that needs to be healed and treated, not just old. Get your ducks in a row with the Health Care Directive signed and in place with your name as his partner in health. That is important so you can work with him on his health issues in years to come. Then schedule a good review of his health with a doctor. Write a letter to the doctor and drop it off or send it ahead of his appointment so you can tell him this issue of sudden needs and anger. The doctor needs to know to address emotional issues that might not surface in the exam if he is not notified.
There is a great issue of depression in men on their own. Not that depression does not effect women but men are especially hit with it and they rarely have the ability to talk it through. If he is newly retired, that is often a problem. He looked forward to many projects and kept busy until they were all in place and suddenly, he is faced with years of retirement and no where to go. There is also a problem after a spouse has passed, a year or so later, the realization that life is ahead with loneliness and no reason to be happy- hits. All of these things happen to many people single or in a relationship, that is why we have them checked and go to a support group, senior center or stay active with family to keep their emotional health up. If there is an on going problem, they will need medication and or counseling to get them healthy again. So you have to be pushy about getting a doctor’s opinion. Write down a few of the episodes of anger, so the doctor can see what stemmed the anger and if it might be body or emotional based. Once you have that diagnoses then you can help him with the treatment and go forward.
Tips on dealing with anger;
- You are the pivot point to anger – as the caregiver it is you that can start or end an angry session. So arrive up- in energy and remove your emotions and just do what is needed and leave. It is very hard to do this, because you will think that the person hates you or you have done something wrong. But emotional anger has a base in the person not with you…so pivot that anger by being in charge of your own emotions.
- I deal with my husbands dementia all the time and I have learned to refocus him into a different project, idea, talking point or action. This will remove his frustration of the moment and get him thinking in a different direction. It takes practice, but I have learned how to avoid a lot of arguments by keeping him off a subject and onto another. I do this by interrupting a conversation and interject a whole new thought pattern.
Example:George was up in arms about trimming our trees, had spent hours getting saws out in his work space and trying to do this task. I went out and told him my back was bothering me - could he come and help me move something in my office? He followed me into the house and the anger and frustration of his project was over the pattern broken. After he helps me, I praise him and get him a piece of pie and he then releases his day long project and returns to his TV or reading and the anger and frustration is over. - If your dad has had a history of being involved in faith center or events, or if he has long ago given up a hobby –this is the time to reintroduce him to those events. Doing something he knows is easier for a senior than starting something new.
- Interaction with others. No one can be on their own for days at a time and stay happy. Little things start to become big things and small problems become a big mess. So, break this pattern by making sure he is doing a few weekly outings. Senior centers have card days or bowling teams, or any hobby he likes. Local libraries need volunteers as do teen centers and soup kitchens. Senior Universities are all over the place with weekly classes and lectures on fun subjects. These classes are just an evening or afternoon of information and it becomes an enjoyable routine. Your own family has weekly outings he could join, sports events, teen pick up from classes and school, school performances, bi monthly family picnics or dinners. There are ways for him to move into the world again and keep him with a weekly calendar of events that will fill his mind and spirit.
- Exercise is a great way to bring a senior back into good health. Joining you for a walk twice a week, or getting him into a senior bike program or golf game can improve his mind and his outlook.
- Talking to a support group or hobby group is great for a man’s interaction. You will find that Twitter and online support groups also provide a non evasive way to express feelings and interests. Woman usually have women to talk to, but if not, they too need to be attached to a group that will help them express their feelings among friends that understand.
- Eating well, can be a huge thing for men or women living alone. Days of empty food and no supplements can make a big difference in any ones life. So adding food from you or a service could be a big boost. He may have a neighbor that’s a senior and would be willing to provide 2-3 dinners a week, for a small charge. You then know that good food is on his plate and helping him feel well. Being creative with care is never easy, but it can make a big difference in his lifestyle and emotional wellbeing.
- Moving; many seniors try to keep their home forever. Nice if they can do it, but over burdened with yard, house, money or repairs is not a pretty picture for anyone. So, if he needs to relax and get yard or house cleaning help get that done. If he is not able to really do the work, then suggest a few visits to local townhouses where yard work is provided or retirement communities where everything is at hand for easy living. Moving early means a life of comfort in retirement, not worry over a huge move sometime in the future, usually when the senior is unwell. Keep them close to you, but find a place to tuck them in with a smile. The retirment communities are so diverse now, that you can find all price ranges in your search.
- Get him a pet to protect and care for at the local humane society. Often a furry pal will totally change a person. Instead of having a day ahead with nothing to do, you suddenly have to feed and walk the dog or change the cat box. It’s just this small chore, that keeps a senior busy and thinking of something other than their own problems.
- Ask him to help you – what do you have around your home to fix or do? Men love to be of service, figure out different chores and ask him to come over and do them and then give him a good dinner and movie to share. Example: I would ask my mother to come over and make pie crusts. Then we would freeze them. She loved to make pie crusts, mine have always been horrid, so it was a nice way for her to do for me and I would get her talking and give her a nice day and dinner. Now that she is gone, I buy the frozen crusts which do not come close to the ones she made for me as well as miss our times together.
- Do not be a child, sit down and talk about anger issues. Tell him you are here to love him and have a nice visit to help him, but this anger is out of bounds. If there is something that bothers him about you, get it out and see if you can talk it through and leave the issue behind. Let him know, you will not be abused with words, they are hurtful and you do not want to have them in your life. Do not involve yourself with anger, this is a grown up talk between two adults, not a shouting match. But, remember, this conversation only works if he is not drinking, or in a depression or any altered state, those situations change the playing field and are why you need to have him checked out medically so you know what is what from the get go.
- Interaction during your day. Call him and ask if he is watching a news alert, or if he is going to watch a special program that night. Make things to talk about so you have more of a give and take talk during your week. Get your teen to teach him how to text message to them even if he does it on the computer. Set up a Twitter or Facebook account and get him used to it so he can enjoy it. This stuff is a perfect thing to do with grandchildren. Add an MP3 player with his favorite music and downloaded books from the library, a new digital camera or video for the kid’s sports events. Those are things that grandchildren will enjoy doing for him and give a boost to connections within the family.
- Don’t forget the geneology part of life, it can be very involved and fun to learn about heritage. To express an interest in wanting your kids to know about their past family history and ask if the family pictures could be organized for them. This is a project that can involve your dad, you,your kids and many other groups that do geneolgy in person or on the Internet.
- Know that as people age, the progress of health and mental health is not in stone. Dementia can set in early or late in life. Heart health can hit you in your thirties as well as in your sixties. Aches with arthitus can zap your energy and a simple addition of joint supplements can make a huge difference in pain control. So just take it step at a time, and read and learn because helping someone age means that you are helping yourself age well in the future.
- Reality is that most women are the organizers of events, food, doctor appointments and family for men. That is how our society works. So, if your dad does not have a gal in his life…you are the it girl. So, try to just let this sink in and add him to your list of boys to care for in your life…once you get this in place in your own mind, you can move your dad into a lifestyle that is good for him and for you. I know there are exceptions to this rule, but I have found very few in my care giving years.
I know that your creative mind will come up with other ideas. Once you get your mind in a direction to solve problems it becomes so much easier. Just remember anger does not mean they do not love and appreicate you. Seniors just have troublem expressing their feelings and dealing with their body changes. So be a sleuth and find out what is at the base of the anger, not what is on top of it.
Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com for more ideas. I have a great e-book called Care Giving 101 Workbook that will help you with giving care in your own home or in the senior’s home. It has all the basic home nursing tips and gives you ideas to support yourself as well as your spouse or loved one. These books are very popular with care givers and I encourage you to buy one so you can feel more in power of your situation as the care giver. It can be very lonely out there all alone when you are giving care – I want to make the experience more comforting for you.
I write these blogs to share information that I have gathered in my many years of care giving. I am now tending to my husband with Alzheimer’s and my books and services are how I’m able to stay at home and care for him. Thanks for all you are doing for your own loved one, blessings. francy
PS I am on Twitter @seniorcaretips and I would love to have you listen to my talk radio show on senior care issues just click the radio button on my home page. The show is on demand so you can listen whenever you have time.
NO SLIP/SLIDDING FOR SENIORS
Dear Francy: My Aunt has fallen twice, that I know of, around her home. She’s unstable and refused to use a cane. What can we do to keep her safe and in her home?
First you have to make sure she has an emergency cell phone to wear around her neck. She needs to know how to use the phone and the best thing to do is get a family cell package for you and add her cell onto it. Make sure you train her how to use the phone; repeat the basics many times so she can just press one button for 911 or another to call you for help. If that is not available, have her sign up for an “alert” service. You will find your local hospital usually has one and/or there are many companies nationwide. Ask the alert company where they are located and how they contact you when she presses the button for help? You want it to be very easy for her to use. If she falls she may be unable to move around to get her usual phone. (Important for anyone living alone: put a phone in the bathroom with the emergency numbers programmed into it. Lots of falls and heart problems occur in the bathroom area, so it is best to have that covered. )
Then do a walk around her home. Remove all scatter rugs and if she has large Oriental style rugs, use carpet-double sided tape and make sure the rugs are secure and can not be moved or caught by a heel. Check all the tables in the area, if they are unsteady remove them. Table top walking is the first step when people get unstable in their walk. They hold on to whatever surfaces they “think” are sturdy places to grab. But a table can come down on top of someone so easily, so make everything that she might use as a crutch is strong.
Move her furniture so there are easy pathways through the house and to the bathroom. You might want to introduce a night chamber pot system. You can buy or rent them and they are very strong and work in their bedroom at night and then the chamber pot is cleaned and kept out and placed over the toilet during the day. (This would require someone to check up on her daily.) You can purchase hand rails for the wall in the bathroom, on the bathtub and by her bed. All of these things give her a steady place to reach out and find assistance to steady herself. Get a few plug-in night lights and put them in areas that she might walk in the dark. Have a flashlight by her bed; if the power goes she will still be safe.
Make sure her glasses are up to date; vision can cause distortion when walking. Ask her about dizziness, lots of medications can add a slight dizzy side effect. They will feel this when they go from a flat, lay-down to a sit up or a sitting up to a standing. If they take it step by step and let the inner ear adjust, the dizziness will not interfere with their balance. Dizziness can also be from high blood pressure, so talk to her carefully and see what changes make a difference; she may have to take the issue to the doctor.
Finally, a cane is used to assist a person when they have pain in their legs, like a bad knee or hip. If someone is truly unsteady, a walker is really what is used to keep them balanced. If they feel weak or unsteady a cane can do little…but a walker can really help them. Plus, the new walkers provide a place to carry things around and you can even get them with seats to rest. If you try to carry coffee and use a cane, you’re in trouble. So, its best to get a walker…ask her to come and look them over and buy it on the spot. Once you leave her alone, she will venture out and use the walker in private. So make sure you have the walker set for her height and have her walk through doorways and around the house to make sure the path is free and clear.
I was very open and firm with mother about this issue, because she did not want to use a cane nor a walker. I told her that if she was unable to walk around her home without falling, that meant she would not be able to continue living where she wanted to live. I was firm on that point and she used her cane right away and of course it made a difference. But about a month later she complained about not being able to carry things around with her. So, I went out and got her a walker. She used it “at home only” at first. After a while, it went where ever we went. Mother was very careful and never broke a bone, but falling is what eventually forced her out of her home. So, this is a point to be open and honest about.
Please visit my home page for more information on senior care-giving and do leave me a question you may have and I will do my best to answer – Thank you, francy
Cheer Weekend Blues for Elders
Dear Francy: My mother is so bored and in a blue mood, can you give me some tips to help?
When you’re home bound or very restricted in your comings and goings…it is very hard to distinguish the days of the week. The importance of days is very high for emotional well being, so a weekend should be reguarded as important to a senior as it is to family member with days off.
Since the TV programming is never very bright on the weekends, this is the time to make sure a movie is on hand. Either borrow one from the library, have the senior do a Netflix account or just rent one, but movie night on Saturday is really something fun for the senior to enjoy. You can take turns with an older movie one week and a newer release the next. If the senior is living with family members, this is the night for everyone to come to the senior’s room for the movie, it gives the senior a feeling of connection. Make sure there is a treat to eat like; easy to make popcorn, or Cracker Jacks from a box. Take a break halfway through the movie for bathroom time and then enjoy. It will be a nice uplift for the senior and the caregiver. (Also a perfect time to invite a family member or friend over to enjoy the movie, it will not seem like such a boring thing for them if there is a movie in the mix.)
Sundays may no longer mean a trip to church or out to breakfast. No matter, church services can be found all over the TV and you can even order services from their own faith center and they will be delivered via a CD. Having a special breakfast or brunch is a lovely tradition for Sundays. Adding a larger breakfast with pancakes or waffles, a special sweet roll or other favorite along with their usual eggs make the meal something to enjoy. Always serve it with a nice linen napkin or fancy towel on the tray and use better dishes than the usual everyday set.
A great way for the caregiver to enjoy the weekend is to look forward to something different. Maybe arrange a visit from a family member, or have a friend bring over a pet (bathed and pre-fed so they are calm). Just a short visit is the best and having some cookies and coffee to offer the guest makes the senior feel like they are really entertaining again.
A walk, even if it is to step outside and sit in the sunshine for a few minutes. A wheelchair ride down the block and back or putting a chair by an open window or sliding door…so they feel they have a different view than everyday.
Traditions, once set, make good friends. Maybe its a round of cards or a quick game. Maybe its having their nails polished or a nice bath with extra care given to their hair. The senior can make a call to a relative they enjoy and talk to them about their week or something happening in the news.
Helping the senior have weekend traditions, makes them feel there is meaning in their week and days don’t just melt into days. Keeping a clear difference between something easy but special to do on the weekend compared to the weekday, allows them to look forward to the weekend, not dread it.
Many care givers have their seniors work on photos and memory books on the weekend. That allows them to talk about their past and family that is no longer with them. Other crafts are often prepared and the project finished with the senior so the attention span can be short but fun.
It doesn’t take money to accomplish a fun weekend for both the caregiver and the senior. It does require some pre-thought on the subject and setting plans that can enhance the living experience of you both.
Please visit my home page for more information on senior care-giving and do leave me a question you may have and I will do my best to answer – Thank you, francy
Help I’m Trapped as My Parents’ Caregiver
Dear francy; I have no idea how I was appointed my parents sole caregiver. My 2 brothers live out of state and my sister is just 10 miles north, but they never call or visit and someone has to care for my parents that both have advanced health issues. I feel trapped and guilty that I feel that way!
Well you’re talking to a gal that understands those feelings and you would be shocked to learn how many families do this to one of their siblings. It’s just the way of the world but you do have ways to handle it. Let’s talk about them.
If you get along with your family members then call a meeting and lay out an agenda to talk about. Nothing will change on the care side, I assure you. But you might be able to have them each help in their own ways via finances. If they can afford it, they could help with the cost of a care giver for a couple days a week, or just a bath person to lessen the burden you have. You need to have a break so you can be strong for you and your own family…so push the need for a couple of days of care and have the information on the costs ready at hand.
If your family is financially strapped you can have them do something smaller but will make a big dent in your working budget. Like they could cover the cost of protein drinks. They are $2-$4 per day and can add up quickly, if someone would take that cost over for each month, it would really help. Then there are urinary products (Depends) that are very pricey, special diet foods like extra fruit or juices, add in the occasional new undies, socks or night clothing needed and you have smaller investments for each of them and a slight relief for you. Don’t forget all the medications both over the counter and prescribed of all kinds, this is usually the largest budget expense. If you are ready and prepared with a list and the prices, so your family could pick and choose what level they are able to help, it would lower the strain of the care giving for you and allow them an easy out.
Make sure you get both of your parents to sign a Power of Attorney for medical so you can make all the decisions. It is one thing to have family not giving daily care, but anther when they arrive at the hospital in an emergency and tell you what needs to be done for your parents. Get that covered immediately.
If you have to sell your parent’s home to cover their care needs – you will have to be ready with a plan. I serve as a Senior Family Consultant for clients and I run meetings like these to disapate the anger and frustration. My secret is to have all the answers on the table in front of everyone at the meeting. Find out what the cost of alternative care is and price it out. Tell the family “if” there is anything left at the end of the your parent’s lives, then you can divide the remaining estate. But for now; your parents are the issue not the future investment of your siblings.
Finally, make sure you keep a small notebook with a general listing of things you do. Write down the mileage you spend coming and going and doing shopping and doctor appointments. It can be a very impressive investment with the rising price of gas. Someone may be able to help you with that issue each month, or you may have to take it out of your parents income to cover your costs. To do that, you need to show that you are helping them, not taking from them. You need to be given a replacement of funds that you personally spend and have a substitute caregiver to relieve you. This way, your siblings can “see” your investment in time, energy and money and it becomes clear to them that they too have to step up and help.
If your meeting is well run, some sort of pressure is usually relived. They may have long running family issues that intermingle with the meeting, but all in all, they will be facing reality and know that if nothing else they can give you respect for your time and loving care towards their parents. Be prepared, many times, the meeting does nothing but stir up anger. That is not your intent and you have to force yourself to be the manager of the situation and try to stay out of the negative issues and bring people back to the immediate problems on the table. If you feel you can not do that, hire a professional Senior Family Consultant and find more information on that on my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Or ask a trusted friend of mature age to help you with the meeting.
Be aware that promises are promises, ask right away what they can do and how they can pay for it. Could they transfer a hundred or two into your parents account each month? Could they give you a gas card or Drug Store or Grocery store gift card with a few months on it for you to use. Go over the ideas in your mind and have them written down and ready, so when the meeting is over, it is really settled, not tabled for another six months.
Giving care is a very lonely and loving thing to do. Until someone is in the position and lives the day to day, it is hard to understand what a challenge it is to all parts of your life. That is why I have my website, the Dear Francy Q&A postings and try to provide tips for caregivers. Your parents deserve good care, if you’re the one that has to give it to them, you need to find ways to keep yourself healthy and happy while you’re taking this journey.
If no one else has thanked you lately I would like to take the time to do so right here. Sometimes, just a hug and a thank you can change a hectic day into a place of calm. Please visit my website and find more information on giving care and getting help for the many situations that pop up while parents or older loved ones are making that progression through health challenges and on towards their life’s end. This journey have so many turns and has no set time, so you may think that you can not really do the job at hand. That is not true, you are strong enough to help your parents through their journey with love and dignity and you will see that long the way, you grow by leaps and bounds.
Please come visit my web site at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Send my your questions and I will try very hard to answer them all.
Thank you, francy Dickinson
Boomers Running Out of Care Giving Money
Dear Francy; How can I keep caring for my mother when my budget is not covering my family costs, let alone what I need to care for her?
You need help. If you have a parent or other family member that needs care and does not have the funds for the care…you will have to reach out to your community for services. It could be as easy as adding food stamps or as complicated as going on state assistance.
I was faced with those issues when I had my mother come and live with me. We had our house payment, and budget on our income and then she had her special medical needs, food needs and medications all resting on her small social security check…we needed help. So, I asked for it. I found a gal at the nursing home that my mother had gone to for recovery after the hospital and she pointed me in the direction of the state assistance in my area. I was very nervous about applying for help. I felt embarrassed, but you have to work through that because life has to be addressed and you’re the only one that will make that forward motion happen. So just force yourself to make that call.
First they send out a case worker that just puts the information together and decides if the senior qualifies for care. I had to have mother’s Power of Attorney to do the work for her. So we got a very inexpensive software program with family law and did a Power of Attorney agreement that printed right off my own printer. We went to a bank to have the notary stamp done. Then it was off to the bank to collect anything that would be of help from her lock box. I got all of that and proceeded to fill out the paperwork.
Yes, there was a lot of paperwork but you know it was not as bad as you think. I just went through it step by step. They needed proof of income and that was a couple of month’s bank statement. They needed to know her doctors listing and her medication listing. They wanted to know if she owned anything and my mother did not own property. But, even if they do own property they can still get assistance so do not worry about that. Fill out the paperwork and follow their advice.
Once the paperwork was done, they toured my home and made sure she had a comfortable area to live and that it had a way to escape in case of fire and a bathroom and such things. It has to be clean and easy for her to use. I had taken two bedrooms and made one for her sleeping and one for her sitting room. I had filled them with her personal furniture and things and then she had the bathroom all to herself. There was a door to the outside right by her room and a good alarm for fire.
They looked over my kitchen and made sure that I could keep it clean. They interviewed both myself and my husband to make sure we did not have problems with drugs or drinking and that our lifestyle would provide room for mother’s care. That done.
Now, they went down to Mother and gave her an interview. They sat there with a laptop and asked her all sorts of questions. Was she happy here, was she in need of any thing. What was wrong with her health, how well did she walk and they would watch her as she answered the questions. They rated her on a curve over each question. Did she respond, could she understand, could she hear, could she eat, could she bath herself, could she dress herself. All of these questions were to determine what kind of care she needed. They would asses that and put hours of service on it so they knew how to give her care.
Next came me and they interviewed me. Did I want to care for her? If yes, was I willing to take some basic nursing classes to get certified by the state to give her care. I said; Yes.
The first case worker left and a week later we received the second case worker this one was to welcome us to the program and teach us how to use it. They got her on a medicaid card for medications and showed us how to order them. They got her on a special doctor listing and how to use her medicare along with the medicaid. They helped us over one hump after another. It was worrisom, yes, it was a lot of work, yes. But, it was so worth it. A nurse and physical therapist came to evaluate her and they were both helpful and understanding.
Mother’s care case worker came over to evauatie us and introduce herself. She came over about once a month and I could call her any time. So, when I had a problem, I called her. Example: mother was found to be low on her protein intake. She was having problems with her teeth and they would have to come out and she was going to get false teeth. Until that process came to an end, mother was unable to eat well. I had tried to fed her things with high protein but it was not enough. I tried to give her protein drinks but they were not enough. So, I called her case worker and she got a special protein drink for her and it was then delivered once a month and I did not have to pay the out of pocket for that product. Those were the things that made the difference between mother living with us or not.
It is the little expenses that add up and if you can not find help with the state…then talk to your extened family. You may find each person could help you with one or two small items each month that will relieve the strain of the expense.
If you have to go out and work and leave your senior at home. Make arrangements with other family members and neighbors in case of emergancy. Have a calling system in place and have the home all ready for emergancies. Leave food and water in a safe place. Make sure the commode is handy if they have problems with walking to the bathroom. Just think it out and you will be surprised how much you can do to ready the day for care. If she is on state assistance they can provide the check-in care for her and that really makes things easier for you.
If you have to have someone come and check on her once during your work day. Ask a young neighbor who is at home with her children. She will enjoy trading time with you for baby sitting on the weekends or the evenings. Or she will be thrilled with a home cooked meal each week that you can deliver in exchange for her services.
Be open to ideas and ways to share with others. Maybe a senior neighbor would come over for a check-in each afternoon. You could exchange rides to the store and food for dinners or special supplies that they might not be able to afford. There are always ways to get it all done.
Have a sit down with your family and explain your concerns and worries. Let them be a part of your time and money challenge. Do not keep it to yourself…ask others to help you. Keeping quiet will do one thing. It will make you “sick”. Many caregivers get sick over the many stresses that family and care giving parents - bring into their lives. So do not allow that to happen to you. Talk about it to your family, friends, church, boss, etc. Let people know you are doing your best and you are open to suggestions and any support or support services they may know about.
There are people right in your area that are senior service trained…reach out and ask them for help! Remember you are loved and appreciated. I know that often times those words get lost among the chaos, but they’re true.
Thank you for all you do and please come and visit my website for more information and support. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Best wishes, francy Dickinson
“If there is anything I can do, call me” – Elder Care
Dear Francy; Both of my parents are now in adult home care. Lots of people ask me what they can do to help…and I don’t really know what to say?
That hit a heart note for me. I would have loads of folks ask how they could help with my mother’s care and I would feel the same. So much to do, but so little to offer to others. So, through the years a few things have come up to help others be ready with an answer.
One of my clients had a dad at home with her. She would send an email each month out to family and extended family about her father. At the end of the message she would always include something her dad had asked for that month. Once it was a new electric razor, he wanted an lighter one that was cordless and held a charge so he could shave from his chair, not have to stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom. She would ask anyone that could make that dream come true to call her before purchase, so the details could be discussed. It worked like a charm. One of his older grandson’s went out and looked around for just the right item, called and talked it over with his Aunt and made the purchase. He came over with two cold beers and he and his grandpa had a great time visiting, and reading over the how to’s on the new shaver. Good times had by all, just because she was able and thoughtful enough to share her Dad’s needs and the family responded. The next month she thanked the young man in the next email and asked the family if anyone was going out to buy plants at a nursery. Her dad had been an avid gardener and missed it so. Back came a reply from an older neighbor and she told him her dad was embarrassed to go out because of his prostate condition that required him to use the bathroom all the time. The neighbor said no problem, he would make it a short trip – just enough to get some air and see some plants. She talked to her Dad and told him to wear one of his “Depends” type of products just for that occasion so he could relax and he said, OK. Off he went for a 90 minute trip to the nursery that he talked about non stop to anyone visiting – all the rest of the spring.
Another client had an aunt in a care facility. Each time she visited her aunt there were new things that she needed her niece to bring to her. The client would write them down. If anyone asked her what they could do, she would look up her list and share a couple of things and ask them if they wanted to cross them off the list. They always were amazed at how organized she was and they always responded with great help and in a timely manner.
People, friends, family, neighbors want to help you through any kind of life changing situation. They just have to be guided as to what to do. Something as simple as; “We need a Wed or Thursday afternoon or evening visitor for 20 minutes – could I put you down on the list for that this week?” The person is able to adjust their busy calendar and do a friend a kindness. It makes winners all around.
You do have to be prepared, you do have to think over these things and know that your life has changed so you need to be even more protective of your time and your money spent. Have a small calendar handy in your car or purse. Have a list of “needs” for your senior at the ready. Have a list of “enjoys” too. Maybe the senior has a strong heritage from another country or part of the US. They may be craving a special honey ham from Kentucky or sauerkraut from the local German deli. Let people know, the senior always loves it when they get a little taste of home. Maybe there’s a special movie that they always enjoy, or a book that they have read over every few years, or music that they truly enjoy. If you have a few of those things handy, how easy it will be for you to come right back to anyone that enquires about how they can serve you or your senior.
If giving is rewarded – you have to give others a chance to “give”. Responding with an “Ok”, or a “thank you that was kind, but we’re OK”…is simply silly. You are not OK, you are in the middle of a very difficult time and allowing others to help you, is what caring is all about. Let them care for you, and your senior and then you can be fresh and happy to give your senior your “up side”.
There are more tips and information on my web site, please come and visit. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com I would be pleased to hear your questions and see if I can be of help. If you know anyone that is giving care to their family members, spouse or friends…please share my tips with them.
Thanks for your time, francy Dickinson
Clear it Out and Make it New for Senior Care
Dear Francy; I am helping my mother in her own home and she has it filled with stuff that I am not suppose to “touch” How can I get rid of this stuff?
Not easy, is it? I always make projects like this as upbeat as I can and that starts with you. You have to have a good attitude and “think” update not sort and throw. Lightly talk to her about going through the memories and making notes on things so her grandchildren will understand what things meant to her. Let her think about the project. It will seem so overwhelming that she will not want to even start it. When you’re unwell, old piles of magazines and rooms full of storage are just one more horrible reminder of old age.
Next you set yourself up for one visit a week to tackle a room or part of a room. You might start with something safe, go through the cupboards in the kitchen. You can get rid of old food stuffs and sort through pans and dishes that she no longer needs. Take a few boxes and mark them with the grand children’s names (or whom ever she is close to) and begin to give a little bit of this and that to each box, plus one for Charity. Do not mark it ”throw away” Let her feel it is all going to a good home. Old kitchen items may seem used, but they can be special to some folks. Just go through the cupboards and move the dishes she will use on a daily basis down to where she can reach them. Maybe it is time for her to use her “good” dishes for everyday…and get rid of the collection of plates she might be using now. Change the shelf paper to fresh and new. Clear and clean up the drawers and let her feel it’s done for her convenience. Not to mention how helpful it will be for the grand kids to have kitchen things to use. Always praise her step by step, it is a hard thing to say goodbye to little memories and she needs to feel that its worth it. Best to have a little treat to eat during breaks and talk about all the nice old memories, that will make her feel this is worth the stress.
Then you begin again in the bathroom. Go over the old towels and throw them out and bring her a couple of sets of pretty new towels. Clean up the place as you move around and make sure the drawers are fresh and clean and then make sure her tooth products are easy to use. You might want to get her an electric toothbrush to make her tooth brushing easier and better. Throw all old medications and over the counter stuff away and make labels for things so she knows what is where. As your memory is stressed, things are so confusing, make it easier by getting it all sorted and ready to go. If you have someone that would come in and give the bathroom a new paint job, do it. If you have some loose caulking around the old tub or shower, freshen it up, that is easy to do. Getting a new faucet will make the drips go away and little things like the newer light bulbs that are power savers lets her feel, “green”. So the point is, you clean but you update slightly and make her “feel” its special. A few new towels and a shower curtain…can make it feel so good to her. Remember remove all scatter rugs and bathroom rugs, those are waiting to trip her. I like to put a phone in the bathroom, that’s where loads of folks fall or get sick and to have a phone by the toilet makes it so much safer. Oh, and don’t forget to put in handrails after you paint, one by the toilet and one on the bath tub, or shower area.
If you’re going to go through an older bedroom that is now a mess of storage boxes — tell her you need to have the room clean and clear in case you or a friend has to stay over night with her. Go through the closets and give away the older clothes to charity, make sure you express the need for clothing in times of trouble for other people to use. Do not talk about garage sales…you are stressed enough and so is she, just gift things to the Universe and you will both feel better. Change the bedding and once again, buy some new sheets at a discount house so its all fresh. If you can do it- paint the room when you’re done and always keep in mind, that neutral colores are best. They will ready the place for sale if that has to happen down the line.
Her bedroom should be last, it’s always hard to go through personal things in someones bedroom. Better to start in the kitchen, dining and living room. Giving away or marking paintings and collectibles with names of who will get what in times ahead. Then go to the bathroom and hall closets, on to the spare rooms and other storage then back to her immediate sitting room and her bedroom for last.
Remember as she ages, her clothing habits will change. All the old long gowns and cocktail dresses can be given to some cute young neighbor that will love the retro style. Her night gowns and such will be used more and her casual and comfort clothes will be her daily favorites Leave a nice dress or two for family functions, all else can go out and if you get a lot of pressure, tell her she has a gift card coming to get her something new. You will find that changing the hangers in the closet so they all match and cleaning out old shoes and purses will free up space and allow her to feel fresh again. You might have to bring in an air filter for a while, lots of dust can bother folks with lung problems.
I suggest you do all of this with an attitude that it may take a few months to go from project to project, so be brave and dig in. But and this is a big “but” if you think you do not have time to finish an area, then wait till you do. The finished projects, clean, clear and fresh paint will give her confidence that this is a project that will free her of worry.
I put all the pictures and things in a big plastic storage bin. As I went over for visits we would go through the bin and mark the pictures to scan in the scanner so the family can enjoy them. I put post a notes on the back with little notes of who and what was happening in the picture. Then I put as many as I could in photo albums around the living room, so visitors could look up their childhood pictures and have something fun to talk about with Grandma!
Now, that this is done, you can rest assured that when time comes for her to make a move out of her long time home, most of the work is already done. I have a TIP for making sure the family feels they all got remembered equally. Take your digital camera with you and as you gather together little remembrances for family and friends bring the box to the dining room table or floor and lay out all of the contents and flash a picture. That way, when you are finished and any one says…they got more, or who got that? You can print up a page of pictures with the names of the received collections and everyone can see that you were fair.
Newspapers and magazines…have to go. You will have rodents if you keep such things around the house. So make sure you call ahead and have a family member with a truck ready to take a load of stuff to the dump. That way it is out of sight and away – no dropping things in the garage. Once the house is clear, its time to steam clean the floor and finish the painting. Get it ready to sell in your mind…and allow your mom to enjoy the fresh clean surroundings while she lives there, instead of after she leaves. New throw pillows in the living room, new covers for the dining room chairs, re-potting old plants in new updated pots and you have a new start.
Good luck, since I have done this job over and over again for senior friends and family…I can tell you that its nasty but really rewarding. Pain of change leaves when the senior sees the fresh new rooms clean and clear. When they open closets with just a few coats leaving room for guests to use the closets. See through plastic containers with labels to reminds what is where makes life more organized and easy. The seniors daily life takes on a new kick for them…so don’t give up or give in. It has to be done.
Just remember, keep your energy up and your voice tone up. Make hard decisions something you joke about not argue about. You can always have a box marked “wait and see” and they can place things in it and think over them. You will see that once the project takes on a forward motion that “wait and see” box will be emptied and on its way to a new home.
Please visit my website for other tips that will help you through the care giving of your loved ones. It can be lonely out there all by yourself. Let me help you with ideas to keep you going and your senior happier and well adjusted www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks francy Dickinson
Nothing Ever Happens Here Elder Care Loneliness
Dear Francy: I am at the end of my rope, my family never comes to see my Grandmother, not even my own Mother. I am it for her, what can I do to make them see she needs them?
Well here we go. You can get creative, because you have already turned blue asking them to come – that has gotten you no where. I asked until my voice was raw. People are busy, they have other lives, they love their Grandmother, but they feel they do not have time to spend in a visit. They think they will have to stay long, go during the day or early evening when they have so much going on…so, change their mind in another way.
Come up with some creative ways to lure them in to visit her. Tell three of your relatives that you are recording some of your grandmother’s thoughts and memories to give to the grandchildren. Then ask them if they would come on (and you actually pick a nite and time) to help you with the project. Most family members want to be a part of something that will be handed down and they will have a “reason” to come and visit. Your job? Just have a tape recorder on and let the visitor run the interview. You can retreat or have it all ready and not even be there for the event.
Divide your family up into Months of the year. In your own mind put a name of a person on each month and then call them and say. I have a favor to ask, Grandma’s doctor has asked that she have more visitors. I wonder if I can put your down for this month on the ___ at 6PM after work. You would only have to stay 20 minutes or more if it fits your schedule. But I need to get this done so the doctor can see that grandma is being helped. You will find that family members respond to doctors far faster and with more concern than they do you.
Have a party. This is fall…there is Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Plan an event in the main dining area of her care facility. Or in her own small home or apartment. Just serve a cake and tea and coffee. Halloween, you can ask the family with children to stop in the saturday evening before Halloween so Grandma can see their outfits and they will have a little treat. Obviously you want some candy in a bowl for them. Usually families will be off to parties on that Saturday and it will work great for the kids to have their costumes on and for a quick picture to be snapped. Fun for the kids, great for Grandma. Tell them if they can not come for some reason, call you so grandma will not be disappointed. Plan a Thanksgiving or Christmas gathering on a Sunday night before the actual event. Once again, have cupcakes or such and drinks and just say it is a “Family Open House” and you will be looking forward to seeing them. Let them hear; “Since Grandma will be all alone on the holiday we can give her our attention early to make her feel loved and remembered.” That usually does it for the guilt factor…and as far as I am concerned in the case of senior loneliness…guilt works.
If no one comes, bring their stories to her. Make a few calls and find out who is doing what in the family and then on your visits, update her with family as well as your own news.
Make your family and friends, her family and friends. Make sure the staff of the care facility know you care, bring them cookies and place the plate in your grandmother’s room. If they want a homemade cookie, they need to pop their head in the door. Be breezie and friendly to them, so you know she gets that kindness in reflection of your interest. Bring your own friends with you to visit. Maybe you have a guy or a gal that you are with all the time, ask them to stop in with you and make a quick visit. Let them tell her some stories of their life and keep the conversation on upbeat things, not her own personal health issues.
Finally, if you have a pet, let it visit her. It is amazing how a senior will react to a cat on their lap for a few minutes, or a dog demanding head pets. Be sure to clean the animal before you bring it for a visit. And keep it on a lead even a cat…so you can easily handle them if an emergancy presents itself on your visit.
You, you get a star, not that you visit your Grandmother for stars…but you do get a hug for your caring. It is hard to understand others that do not have the same caring spirit on their side. But that is just how life is some of us are care givers and some of us are not. It is hard not to get angry or upset about others not showing love in a way that we do. Nothing can be done about it, all you can do is what you are doing now. Visit, talk, share, care and know that the universe will somehow find a way to repay you for your kindness to a person that has given so much to their elder.
Please visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and get even more tips to help you with your senior care issues.
Thanks for reading, francy Dickinson
Senior Care at Holiday Time
By Francy Dickinson
Dear Francy: I am going home for Christmas and staying with my mother who is in her early nineties. She has care help and she wants me to stay at her place so badly. Should I book a room at hotel or flip for the couch?
I think you’ll find the time with your mother is better than ever. She has her needs met and you can review how the care giving is going. She has you at home with her and that is her blessing for the whole season. Go ahead and rent that car so you both can get out and about, but stay with her – it will pay off for years to come in your memory.
Just remember to keep calm. Life around a senior is a different world. They can tire easily, sleep at a drop of a hat…so only plan one event per day. If you want to go out for lunch, make it a late one and then do a little drive around to see the lights with her. If she wants to do some shopping; go out right after breakfast and go to a place that she can get lots of different things, like a walmart, so there is less in and out of the car. Let her buy you something and you get something for her. Giving is what the holidays are about, no worry about the faith base you each have, just enjoy the gifting. It may be your last time together…so make it joyous.
If you want to take her something make it fun. Maybe buy two pairs of pajamas that match with a holiday theme…and you can have one for yourself and one for her. Just silly things, that would make anyone laugh and feel like they are having an overnight party, instead of a difficult guest situation.
Make popcorn or have pizza..things that your mother would not make for herself. It is all part of just doing what feels fun and being friends together. Even if the pizza and spices are not on her diet, life is short…go for it. And if you need to have a glass of wine together do it. But do not go to her home and sit and drink a box of wine, that can be done in your own front room not hers.
Let her talk about her problems once. Then each time she retraces her stories, pull her away from the negative by injecting a question. “Mom, who was that lady that you used to go and take ceramics class with?” Let her think on it and get away from the little things that have consumed her life lately.
Tell her about your life, but in terms that will settle with her. I find that to tell the full story may result in seniors worrying about a small issue for ages after you leave. So, keep life real…but upbeat. Bring pictures, let her see your friends, children, grandchildren, your home, your business or office, your new car, your new backyard update or your last vacation. Bring your laptop and keep in contact with your family back home and show her a Google Earth of her house and your house. She will be thrilled.
Little things, if you can not think of a gift how about a monthly one. Maybe cover her TV costs. Seniors only have their TV, how about you ordering DishTv or paying for more movies on her cable? Maybe get her a new TV set that is easier for her to use and see.
Bring a label machine. If you would spend an afternoon just labeling things in large print it will make for so much less stress when she is looking for something. She opens the cupboard and there are your signs, rice, sugar, or first aid, or light bulbs. Hey, change her light bulbs, make them all “Green” and show her how that will save her money every month.
Go green add a water reducer to her shower and make sure her shower chair or bench is working for her. Get her into using body wash and scrubies instead of bar soap and wash clothes. Flip for a maid, have them do a great 1-2-3 on the house if it is looking a little sad. Get some new couch pillows to brighten up the room, or a new lap throw to give her a change.
Call some old family friends and you begin the conversation and wish them well on the holiday and then pass the phone to your mother to say a simple hello. So she can reach out and enjoy old friends and voices from her past.
Make sure she is getting the news from upbeat places. Some stations on the radio and TV are very limited in their views and can be depressing. Find a radio station and mark it on the dial for her and explain about a neutral TV station for news so she keep up but doesn’t get down on news.
When you leave, leave you behind. Let her feel you were there with your kind words and loving laugh, your friendly manner and your forgiving behavior. Old wounds, old words, old arguments…let them go. Ignore them if they come up…life needs to have frequent updates and reboots, just like your computer. Make your update time with your mother, something to smile about.
Perfection, over planning, over doing, over spending - all of that is yesterday. Today its just you and your mum…having a laugh together. You both need it.
Hope you find this helpful and please visit my website and get more tips on caring for seniors. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Happy Holidays from francy Dickinson
Visiting Old Men at Holiday Time with Spirit
by francy Dickinson
Dear Francy: I visit my Dad and my Uncle, both at the same nursing home, twice a week. They are both in a rut, angry and never have a pleasant word for me. I try to talk football or something in the news but they just do not respond. Come on – a suggestion please!
OK, here it is…think snow! Hey Christmas time is the perfect time to just be. Not to try to be anything but you. I would suggest a trip to the large hardware store and get some outside decor for holidays. Buy the long extension cord and the two deers and a tree that lights up and then place them on the lawn where your Dad and Uncle can enjoy them at night, or where the whole place can see them in the evening during dinner. That will light up the place and make both the guys feel special that you were the one to do the work!
Take them a few catalogs and give them a gift certificate for each so they can buy a gift for you or each other. Just because someone is sick or confused does not mean they do not want to enjoy the holiday time, if they are given a way to do it.
If they can go for a quick zip around town to see the lights…get it in line. It may take a little time getting them warm and tucked into the car, but the drive around town and to the drive through for ice cream or a hamburger will give them a lift like you would not believe.
There are fun new picture displays that you can load and they will be continually turning the pictures around like a slide show. How about flipping for one and load it with old pictures and new pictures.
Do you have a dog? If you know they love animals…give your dog a bath and take him in with a bow around his neck and have him carrying some great home made cookies. Lots of men in adult homes like to have a nice “drink” each week. As a matter of fact some places have an open bar on Fridays just for that purpose. You can always bring along a couple of beers that you three guys can enjoy together. (Obviously ask the home first so the rules are OK with with the liquor.) I have asked doctors about this a few times and each of them have said that in less the situation is really difficult - a drink to celebrate is not going to put anyone over the edge on their meds. It simply needs to have common sense attached to the event.
Bring in your computer and show them Google Earth and let them see their old homes and your house and their friend’s home on the screen. This is so much fun for seniors. I have been going over older homes that they lived in years before and they love the online visit. Now that Google has the drive by curb camera view, it is really a kick.
Take in one of your friends and play a game of cards or dominos. Do it all together and make it a “guy night”. What they love about this is the feeling they still have value and life is still fun. You can take in your DVD player or small computer and watch a movie together. You bring the popcorn and they get to watch a special you saved or a movie they would enjoy. I find anything in the second world war era is a joy for guys. They love to review that history stuff, and they love “how to” shows. It may be hard for them to follow a full game of football, but you might find a good review of twenty years ago on the NFL channel that will hold their attention in little snippets.
Most of all…just go. Even if you sit there and do your email, you are there. Let them know, “I am here because I want to be”.
By the way…picture albums, picture books, and old magazines with things they love to talk about are perfect for a quick review while you’re there. Guys love cookies, if you don’t bake - ask a lady in the neighborhood, at work, or from church to make you some old fashioned cookies that guys love. She will know which ones really hit the button – you give her a five and she makes cookies…easy exchange!
Hope this helps…I know they may seem like nasty old men, but they just need to have someone giving them a good – bad time – and they will turn around. Do not take the words personally, they’re in the now and their life is reduced to the four walls around them. If you come and just let them see a glance of the world outside with your ideas and things to do together…it will brighten them up, even if they do not admit it! Part of being an old guy…is having fun with a frown on your face. It makes life more of a challenge, but they’re worth it. And if you are visiting twice a week…you are worth it too!
Thank you for your care to the seniors in your life. Please visit my website and enjoy other ideas and tips www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Enjoy your holiday, francy Dickinson
Elder Care in Your Future
by Francy Dickinson
Dear Francy: My parents moved to the beach six years ago. It was so much fun for them to be free of the city and have the easy beach atmosphere at there fingertips. Now, they have health concerns and the travel to the nearest town is not close, got suggestions?
Boy is this a difficult topic. You live all your life for retirement and make the “big move” and then a few years later reality starts to settle in and it is often not pleasant. I have family that moved to a small town that they just loved. They bought a small cabin just for two and it was perfect, until their health concerns took a down turn and the weather, distance and cabin itself are now concerns.
If the move has been made here are a few choices. They can keep the beach or retirement home just as it is and buy or rent a small place in the city. Hopefully, close by you so they can receive their health treatments or simply come in when the weather is bad. One of their children could give them a room or a part of the house to stay in on a “visiting only” basis so very little money has to be spent. That way they still have their special place and privacy, but have a haven when they need it. This will promote any extra worry and keep them calm and yet start to move them back into the city in small doses so if they find they are alone, or too unwell to be on their own…the move is easier.
Lots of families find that their one time summer or second home turns into the retirement home. That is such a terrific idea…but being practical about aging and what can happen in years to come has to be a part of the picture. So to keep someone safe while they are living more than a close drive away take down some of these suggestions.
Make sure the house is senior proof while the couple is young. Before they need it, add those extra bars in the bathroom, the hand held shower head (low flow). Make sure the stairs to the house are easy to climb, better yet, “no stairs”, or have a power lift put on the wall to assist them in years to come. Get a bed that supports older backs and is easy to climb out of in the middle of the night. Make sure their kitchen table and chairs are easy to use and comfortable as well as their TV viewing chairs. Lazy-boy style chairs may be the best for some, but weakened arms make the hand held release hard to work. Think about how high the cupboards are in the kitchen and if all the appliances are easy to use and will save money on utilities as their income gets strained. Remember to have a landscape that is easy care, or part of the monthly upkeep. Check the roof, a twenty year roof is great until you live 25 years and it has to be replaced with a limited bank account. The open room concept is a great one until you have to heat it, check out the heat exchange and be aware of rising prices of heating in years to come.
Driving may not always be something that seniors can count on, so is there transportation close? Exercise keeps all of us moving even into our 80’s & 90’s – is there a gym or exercise room close by? If they are going to be in a summer area in winter, will they be safe? Protection is key when living into your later years so make sure it’s a part of the plan. What about phone or emergency life line services? Get a plan, keep the cell phones on their person at all times - then any fall or health problem can be solved with a text or cell call.
There are way to many tips to give in a blog, so I did an e-Book for you to enjoy. Just go on over to my web site and get the information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com- Thank you for reading and send me your questions. Blessings, francy
I Feel So Old – Elder Care Tips
by francy Dickinson
Dear Francy; My mother has lived with us since my father died two years ago, lately all I hear from her is how old she feels. How can I help her see her beauty through the wrinkles?
I don’t know why people think that getting older means you stop being who you have always been. You are just older, that’s all. But then you talk to people and they will tell you (even in their late fifties) that they are getting old.
My mother was in her late nineties when she said; “francy, some times I walk past a mirror and I catch my reflection and I wonder who that old woman is? Then I remember, its me!” Seeing yourself in a mirror is never fun when you age, but keeping up with beauty routines, exercise and fun activities make it easier to keep your self image high.
When I married my husband, almost 30 years ago, I asked him to please use a simple moisturizer each day. At the time he was OK with the idea, but did not want to share it with anyone that he was putting on “Oil of Olay” every morning after his shave. You should see him now, he is in his 70’s and looks like he is in his early 60’s. I am so proud of him. When he is around other friends his age, they all ask him what his secret is and always laughs and says…a younger wife!
Moisturizer is a must, even if someone is around the house and make sure it has the ”SPF” in the moisturizer. You can even use the glow moisterizers to give an older face a little color. Clean skin + moisturizer + lip stick = FEELING GOOD.
My mother watched all of her friends age and pass away before her. She took note of lots of things that they did to rush their own passing. One of the things she would talk about is that the minute they let their hair go all grey they would age in their personality. She saw it over and over again. That does not mean she thought harsh black, brown or red hair was the answer to youth. But some sort of light coloring of the hair would give their skin and their personality a boost. Mother kept color on her hair until her passing at 100 years.
Nails, I did mother’s nails a week before she passed. They were so pretty while she laid in bed and felt so horrid. Her family members would come to visit the little lady and see her unwell, but those lovely nails flashing on the bed clothes. Some times, you have to endulge yourself in little ways to get big rewards. If a monthly visit to the nail shop to have a mani and pedi done gives a person a smile and a feeling that they are still involved in the world…then tell her to “go girl” enjoy!
If someone has always loved clothes make sure their bed wear is fun and colorful. Just because you are stuck in a smaller world at home or in a care center, no one has to stop being the fun young girl inside. I had my mother change every morning into a daily house coat that was pretty and she even wore a necklace down the front. It made her feel dressed, even though it was designed for comfort and ease if she needed help. She would dress when we went out to doctor’s appointments. My motto is no pajama bottoms when you go to Walmart…dress, even if it is a simple outfit and easy shoes, it is dressing and making the person feel good.
Something new; I made sure that my family knew when my mother needed a lift. I would tell my niece that grandma was in need of a new pair of slippers, I would tell my nephew that she needed a petite size 10, house coat, that had a front zipper, in a pastel color. I let them know what she needed and made it easy for them to buy it. They would visit and she would get a little gift and both of them felt good about it. When people say, ” If you need anything let me know”. That means that you have to let them know.
Places to go, if your mom is inside and always by your side…time to find a senior group close by and introduce her to other seniors. Losing a spouse is very hard to go through and many times it takes strangers to bring out the words that she needs to say. She would not want to hurt you by talking about your Dad and his passing, but another older gal at a card table or exercise class would understand.
Funny how old means different things to us all. Maybe old means no one has told your mother how much they love her and how cute she looks, like your Dad used to do on a daily basis. You might try to make sure you joke with her about how smart, cute and sweet she is as often as you can so she can get that loving input that small talk can give all of us.
Thank you for caring so much about your mom. I started this process of working with those that give care to seniors because I felt so alone when I was doing it for my own mother. I hope I can be here for you with other questions and please go and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Blessings, francy
Angel on Board for Senior Care
by francy Dickinson
Dear Francy; My Aunt is like my mom…a very sweet lady that raised me and now she is in a care facility. They have a weekend or afternoon visiting program, so she can leave and return to the home. I would like to bring her home to my place occasionally should I mention it or keep on visiting her?
I just want to take a moment and go over what you have already told me, you are caring for your Aunt. Not a mother or father, not a grandparent but an Auntie…how kind of you to give her more then just love, but your time.
Now, the answer is…why not. What I would do is take come time to sit down and run by a few rules of the road for yourself. Just write a few things down; would I need special food or care items? Could she move around my place easily or need someone or/thing to help her walk or transfer? Do I have children that would upset her? Do I have a place that she can sleep and be quiet for a nap? Is the bathroom equipped to care for her needs? Do I have a plan of what to do if she becomes ill while on a visit? Will my pets be a problem for her? Is my place all one level and warm and/or cool enough for her? Would I have a hard time taking her back to the care center?
Now that you have thought about those ideas and talked them over with friends and family…you can make a clear decision. That is all it takes a day trip to your home for a nice afternoon, dinner and movie and back to the care center is a great start. A pick up after dinner one evening and back to your place for a stay over, breakfast and then lunch and she goes home for afternoon rest and dinner at her care center. Then the weekend get away that can be enjoyed by the whole family would be the next step. Baby steps is what we all need on all levels of our lives.
No it will not bother you to take her “back”. Remember her care center gives her total care- 24/7. You could not do that unless you want to quit work, want to put your children second to her care, give up your privacy and use all of your nursing and care giving knowledge. See what I mean? We all do things on the best level we can. You going and keeping your Aunt in your circle of family by visiting often and even thinking about bringing her home every couple of months is really what every senior who is in a care facility wants. To be loved and you are just the angel that she needs.
Always be honest with yourself about the needs of you and your family and then work in the needs of your Aunt. That alone will be kind. Taking her small gifts of reading materials, special treats and just time with you is enough to send anyone living in a room all day…over the moon! The next best thing to do is go over and sit and do your work in her room. The laptop will work in the care center as it does other places. You sit and get work done, she will watch TV and know you are there for her.
Life does not have to be fancy or complicated. The very best times we all have to remember are usually quiet, intimate times of two people reading their books in the same room, or watching a movie together, or working around the house and checking on each other, or watching your children do homework while you do dishes. Simple stuff, makes life worthwhile…just keep working on the simple and the baby steps and you will be surprised how happy your Auntie stays.
Please join me on my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more tips, e-books and other help through your care giving time. Thank you for sharing and blessings, francy
No Money Left to Help Mother!
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: I got the notice of losing my job yesterday. I have a month before I am without a job and I have no idea where to start. I give my mother $500 a month to go toward her living expenses, what will she do?
You are talking to someone who was giving her mother $600 a month to pay for her drugs when my husband was retired and I was working part time. I have been there and it is so upsetting to have to go through all of the care issues with your mom on top of your own financial worries. I understand but lets just review some ideas.
First, you have to be open and honest with your senior about your job loss. No money is no money and it is pointless to ignor it. You can let her know that you might be able to spare $50 or $100 a month but you do not know how things are going to be on unemployment. Tell her you are worried and yet you feel that something will come along and you are willing to look for work and/or get retrained.
That said, how can you help her. Well first of all, most states have reduced income, senior food stamp programs. If her money can go towards rent or bills and the state can give her food each month -it would reduce stress.
Medications can be free. Here is what you do, you talk to her doctor about making sure all of her meds are generic and that will keep the costs down. You make some calls and find the drug store that can give you the smallest charge for generic, Target, Walmart, Costco have great programs. (by the way, you do not need membership at Costco to use their pharmacy) If you still have a couple of expensive drugs that are not generic have the doctor give you a form to fill out for the maker of the meds. The drug company has a program that if you are on a low income they will actually give you the drugs each month. You will have to fill out a background check, you just call the maker of the drugs or check their website and it will show you how to fill out the forms to qualify. A budget has to be provided to show your family member is really on a low income.
Senior services; each area has senior services that are different. Sometimes different faith groups have support for their seniors. Call and find out. I know that one of our local churches has a high school group that does weekly work in the community for seniors. Like moving lawns, taking out trash, fixing loose steps or painting. Find out what your family member has in their area and sign them up for help. Having your mother pay for a fix it man is expensive and this could save a lot in the long run.
Need a new stove or washer? Our area has a Technical school that runs a repair school. I had a cousin that was in dire need of a new frig and when I called the school they were happy to deliver a repaired refrigerator to her home-No charge. They even said, thank you to me. They were looking for people financially challenged- to give away their repaired appliances.
Heat is very expensive. Take a look at what they have to heat their home and see if a change can be made. Maybe a simple visit from the furnace man could update the system a little bit. Old coils can be replaced and the furnace cleaned and it will give out more life and cost less. Maybe you can turn off the central heat and use a newer space heater that is easy to use and safe for seniors in one or two rooms. Buy a new wall mount heat control, you do not need to have a new heater to use a new heat control. It will be able to program the house on your senior’s awake schedule and keep the heat at an even level. Remember to turn down the hot water dial on the tank and wrap the pipes so cold weather will not freeze them.
Buy flannel sheets and one of the new electric blankets that can sense when the body is cold and move the heat around to that area! Get a good light throw for the senior’s lap while watching TV. Update their wardrobe with warmer clothes. Get them some good fleese instead of old light sweaters to keep their shoulders warm. Balding heads make senior men cold, give them stocking caps for inside and fun baseball caps for outside. Summertime means heat and a possible health issue for seniors, replace their ceiling light with a ceiling fan, watch the thrift shops for one, or check the box stores for sales. The new fans can really make a difference in the temp of a small home or apartment.
Change their light bulbs, that can be pricey up front but can save up to 40% in monthly electric bills! Start a program that you cook two larger dinners a week and take the left overs to your mom. That will break down her need to cook and to spend on food.
If there is an extra car in the garage, give it away. No one should be paying for insurance, gas and upkeep on two cars if they are driving less and really just need only one. Or if they are not able to drive they need to sell or gift their older car to the Universe and let it go.
Your senior maybe used to going out for lunch, movies or other treats that no longer are in the budget. Make sure they are connected with a Senior Community Center or Faith Center that will feed them once a week and give them a great day of cards, bingo or small trips – FREE. Life needs to be fun, but fun can be adjusted to a smaller budget.
I hope these ideas have helped, because I know the worry that so many families are now facing with their own income reduced and then the reflection of that onto the care that have been providing their elders. I bless you on this and please visit my website for more information and tips on care giving. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Mother will not eat…Senior Care
by Francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mother simply will not eat. She tries, she says she is hungry but I can not get her to eat, or finish her food. Suggestions?
I understand the “I’m not hungry”. I will tell you one of my stories. My mother had gone into the hospital for a short stay and on her arrival home she asked to have a private talk with me. I knew that was not going to be good. She had lived with my husband and I for about 2 years and mother was a quiet lady that did not relish talk.
I entered the room and she said she had enjoyed the use of the menu system for ordering her food at the hospital. She wanted me to set up a “menu system” for her use at home. I was stunned really, not knowing if it was for real – it was for real. Then I just laughed and told her that I remembered when I was little, that if we did not eat the food she prepared we went without food! So, I understand both your feelings of concern and your mom’s appetite problem.
First, add a nutrition drink today. Now, they’re not cheap, but they are one way to add protein no matter how much she eats. I thought I would save money and buy a high end protein powder to add to milk and juices. That did not work, mother did not absorb it into her system. So, I found a low sugar drink that was vanilla flavor and I would just add a little juice, fruit or another flavor to it each day. Key Tip – Keep it cold, it tastes better that way.
Then think back to what you were served when you were young. That old fashioned food may hit the spot for your mother. Remembering Hobo stew, potato soup, split pea soup, au gratin potatoes, casseroles, jello salads,grilled cheese sandwiches, home made biscuits, apple butter, butter milk, etc. Things that today’s cooks tend to not prepared because of high fat or sugar content, that what you want o re-introduce into your mother’s diet. You will find her helping you if you ask her about her favorite meals when you were young. That palette of hers was developed when she was a young person, so take her back to those times with a weekly placement of the older menu of foods. Does not have to be daily, just weekly will do just fine.
Make sure you use plenty of salt and spices. Older people tend to lose their sense of smell and taste. So put a salt shaker on her tray or on her table where she eats, that will help her make things “taste” right.
Don’t be afraid of sugar. Most older people get sugar cravings. My mother wanted her candy and I kept it in a covered candy dish for her at all times. She would have a little in the evenings and I encouraged it. It made her happy, gave her a lift and cost very little to keep her satisfied.
Mom would have a craving, KFC or maybe Chinese food when that happened I would make sure she had those on her table. We did not join her, we just went out and got a nice chicken dinner for her as a treat and she loved it! Mom had to have her hamburgers and my husband would bring them home about once a week for her. He always bought a small fry and she would eat the fry first while it was warm and then have her burger. She would be sooo happy. One less meal for me to make and one happy camper = nice evening.
Change her meals around. Maybe a larger breakfast would work for her. She would have all the food in the morning with her pills for the day and then a small lunch and dinner snack. Maybe almost a dinner type of meal for mid-day and then just a snack for dinner. Adjust her up and exercise schedule to her meals and she may be able to eat them with more gusto.
Give her a choice. This is how I do choices. I look in my refrigerator and I see that we have a small amount of lasagna left over from a couple of nights before (or frozen from the dinner last week) and then our current night’s meal that I am planning to prepare. I would go down to mother and say, “Mom do you want lasagna tonight or would you rather have stir fry with pork?” She would then have a choice and feel like she was making the “menu” decision. I on the other hand was simply stating two meals – one that was already prepared and the other was the night’s dinner. The choice was hers to make, but mine to choose.
Stand-by’s. Mother loved those toasted strudels that you can buy frozen. When it was a bad day, I would pop a strudel into the toaster and make some fresh coffee and she would be pleased with the selection. See if you can find a stand by – that way when you are not feeling well, tired, stressed or just out of it in general, you have a release valve of something easy to prepare that she will eat and enjoy.
If you push all of this away and remember you have stepped up and given your mom a safe haven living place. You are concerned enough to worry over her well being and want the best life she can have at this time for her. You are the one to be praised, you are holding down a whole lot of living and your constant juggeling is noted and appriciated by me and those that love you. Keep caring and keep being kind to yourself and your own needs. Keeping you strong and well centered in your mind, will give your mother a continued good life.
Please come and visit my website and find other ideas for your care giving www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Thank you for your time and questions, francy
Caregiver for Senior Exhausted-Family Still Needs Dinner!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I have spent a whole week caring for my parents down with colds. They are determined to stay in their own home for a couple more years and I am exhausted. I drive home thinking I still have the family to feed, the kids to do homework with and a very understanding husband that could use a little attention, too. How do I keep this up?
You have to stay strong to be the one that saves the world, even Wonder Woman got sleep, ate properly and made it through chaos on a daily basis. So lets see if we can come up with a few things that make you at least “feel” like you have more power over your life.
Parents that live on their own have to know that they do not get full time care from their family. Make a plan in your mind and then share it with them.
–>On Monday; I will be at your place to get the house in order and do the shopping. We will eat light that day and I will only be with you for three hours.
–>Tuesdays; I will come over and make a few dinners for the rest of the week and get the kitchen in order.
–>Wed; I’m staying home, if I have to run by to check on your meds I will not be there more than 20 minutes.
–>Thursday; is our appointment day and all outings will only happen on Thursdays with little to no exception. While we are out we will have lunch on the road to give you a treat and then back home. This may be a week with no appointments or one with a few appointments but we will work through and get this done. Dinner that night will be one of the pre-pared dinners that were done on Tuesday.
–>Friday; is a “just come over if there is a problem” or I will simply check medications. In and Out.
–>Saturday, is a family “comes with me day”. The kids and husband come with me and we all have things to do. The kids spend 30-60 minutes visiting with grandparents. The husband tackles a simple project from the senior’s “honey do list” and I do the med check and any left over small chores. We are out in 1 hour.
–>Sunday is a day for MY own family…if I have to check meds I do it fast and without delay. I do not even leave the house before 1PM because Sunday, is my sleep in day and day to have a slow cooker meal for the gang. Once back home, I have the day to just be mom and wife.
This is just an outline to give you an idea of how you can do most of your parents care giving on your terms. The terms you set, not theirs. If they have to get up early to have you there…do it. You can go and check meds and then come home for a nap while your own family is at work or in school. You change your pattern to include slow cooked meals, one night your husband cooks and if your kids are older – they do their own laundry and folding.
Things that have to be dropped are; no more outside chores for you. A garden crew has to do your parents home and yours. If you have a teen, that would be the teen, doing two houses in the summer months. It may mean money from an already tight budget, but you have to “live” through the care giving time…not come out of it so unwell it robs you of your own future health. If your parents can afford a weekly gal to do the hard cleaning – get one, if they do not want to spend the money – to bad. They will do it, if you sit down and be honest with your own family needs.
If you are a working person…then you have to simply limit your time to your parents to no more than 2 hours, early morning or each evening with two days a week that you only stay 1/2 hour. You have to be strong about food prep. If you can simply cook at your own home and add more food and get an expanded dinner that will include two more portions, do it. Doing cooking at two homes is nutty. The morning meals for your parents should be something they can fix in the toaster. There are lots of frozen toaster designed foods that will have to fill the bill and then add a boost with an energy drink. They may complain about food changes, but once again, fight for it. They have to know that their lives change too. You are all working together as a team, you are not their employee. Their afternoon lunch is something they can do with a sandwich and soup or left overs. Then you deliver their frozen entrees a couple of times a week that require them to simply take off the top and heat in the microwave. Buy the bagged salad greens and have other veggies pre-chopped in zip locks and their salads are easy for them to dump in a bowl, to go with the meals.
Laundry is hard to do in two places but a must. You can really keep that time down with newer appliances. If you can, get a dryer that will dry quick. Make sure the lint filter is clear inside the house and outside, to make the drying speedy and use smaller loads. Get one of those new Swifters (wet/dry) for the floor at your parents home. It’s easy to use and requires little fuss. If they have an old vacuum, put that on your list to replace, make clean up as easy for you, as you can.
If your kids are 11 and above have them come over once a week and “pay” them a small allowance to help you clean. One can do the the kitchen and go over the counters with those bleach wipes and do the floor. One can do the trash and scoot the vacuum around, while you do the bathroom and have a load of wash going. Everyone gets to learn and understand that supporting and giving care to family is simply what we do. It teaches young people to honor those that are older and in need and to give time as well as humor to their grand parents. If they are too small, they can spend a couple of hours doing homework at grammy’s kitchen table while you work…that way they get the whole family to surround them with love.
Your golden rule? “I come first.” Not an easy rule for mothers and wives, but one that has to be firmly in place for “all” of your family to survive these few years of total chaos. You get to eat what makes you feel healthy, not what your kids will like. You get to watch TV programs that relax you in your small amount of personal rest time. You get to take a nap and not be interruped. You need to stop and get yourself your own hamburger and then go home to prepare a regular dinner for your family. Why? Because doing little things for yourself will keep you going. Depression can set in at a the drop of a hat, you have to give yourself treats and time snipets. To keep you mentally up, means you get to set rules that will benefit your own needs.
Best of all…you need to try hard to laugh at all the crazy things going on around you. Remind yourself, this is not “your” life, it’s just a time of extra care giving that has to be done. You have not done anything to deserve exhaustion…you simply have to force yourself to sleep and know that for a while you will be in this whirlwind. When the time comes that your parents are gone, you will take a deep breath and start your own life over. Maybe a mani/pedi day, maybe your hair done day, maybe a do nothing but sit in your own back yard and drink pink lemonade day. But for now, be strong on your limited time to give and be kind to your own personal needs. You come first!
Please go to my website and read more ideas to get you through the hard times of giving care www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you for your time that you give to your parents. I know that care givers can feel very lonely at times, so know I am supporting you from a far…francy
Short Term Care for a Senior in My Home
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My Uncle has discharged from a care center with a broken hip, he can not go home yet. I am the only family he has and I have no experience caring for anyone before. Where do I start?
Probably where I started, you feel trapped, scared and overwhelmed. But you have to take a deep breath and simply get through it all. The first thing is to talk to your family, your friends, those that are around you all the time and let them know the change is for just a few weeks or a couple of months until he heals enough to live alone again. Let them know you have no idea what the process is, but you intend to make this as smooth for all involved as possible.
Go to the care center, or call his doctor’s office and ask to talk to the nurse about home care. Have the nurse (not a doctor) tell you what care will be needed. It will probably just be making sure there is a clear path for his walker, an exercise program for him to recover well, good food, and blending into your daily home routine. Make sure you take notes.
You will need to get a list of all his medications and ask what each pill is prescribed for. That way you understand what is what and when the medications need to be taken. This is really important, even if your Uncle is sound in mind, you need to be in the know. Some meds are taken with food, others not, some meds need morning or evening and most seniors that have had a few weeks of intense care are out of the habit of doing their own meds. I always get a nice big pill box from the drug store and sort the pills for morning and night once a week. This way, there is no forgetting what has been taken. As a young person taking vitamins may be a hit or miss for you, but for your Uncle daily meds taken on time, make healing and emotions stronger.
Check with him about his clothes, maybe you will need to buy a few new workout clothes that are easy to get on and off with a bum hip. You can do this at Walmart and for under $50 he would be suited up for comfort.
Check the TV program for the “Sit and Be Fit” exercise show that is usually on each day. This is a requirement to stay in your home. Your Uncle has to progress and exercise is the only way to do so. He will also need to have a few Physical Therapy appointments so get those on the calendar and also his post nursing home doctor appointment. Just tell yourself you will do all the appointments on one day a week. That way a minimum of your time is running around.
Sleeping is hard if you do not have a special guest room, then just ask your Uncle to flip for a “high end” blow up bed that once again can be purchased at the local discount store. Get the kind of bed that is raised with two sections so he can easily get in and out of the bed. Do not get anything that he has to dip down to climb into, he will not be able to get out of it without your help. Do not give up your room or your routine, make him adjust, it will make him want to be back at his place even sooner! Put the bed up in the dinning area, by the TV and the bathroom but not right in the main area of home.
Go over your bathroom procedures, when he uses it, what bath to use, his shower time an requirements etc. Let him know you want the toilet seat down and used towels in the laundry basket. Do it at the beginning of the stay, not when you get annoyed.
Do not worry about food, whatever you eat, he will eat. Just make sure you do eat three meals a day. If you are going off to work, feed him breakfast before you leave, leave the sandwich in the refrigerator and have a couple of bottles of water by his TV chair. Do what you can before you leave, like ask him to rise and get breakfast and his morning meds, close up his bed and get him started on the exercise video or TV show before you leave the house.
As he gets better, I always like to give people things to do. When mom was so weak she could hardly walk, I would bring in her laundry and have her fold it from her chair. It always made her feel good to “do something”. So maybe it is asking him to walk out to the post for the mail each day, make sure your dog is put out in the back yard once or twice during the day, have him take a look at a light that does not work, or a faucet that leaks and just let him do some simple chores that you need and he enjoys.
Children do come first when caring for seniors, but they also have to be taught about respect for being quiet in the home and keeping chaos down to a dull roar. No special things have to happen during his stay. Your kids do not have to have sleep overs in the living room or friends in after school. That is not a “family need” so those things go on hold until the visit is over and you can all go back to what is normal for you as a family.
You may have to have more of meals than less. If you are living alone, having rice, potatoes or side dishes with dinner are rarely done, but when you have a family or a guest a full meal is required for people to be full and feel good about their food. You can soon find out his needs in small treats, like cookies or chips and just indulge him, as you see fit.
Life does not stop when you are in hospital. So ask him if you can go and retrieve his bills and mail and get some of this financial things to bring back for his review. There is nothing wrong with asking him for money to help with his stay. A good friend just had a gal stay with her and the next month her heating bill was huge. That can happen with older people, they need warmth. Just be open and tell him you are on a budget and more food and more electricity has to be added and therefore you will need his help with a couple hundred dollars to cover it. Be kind, you do not have to make a million caring for anyone, but covering costs is only fair.
Make a date that the stay will be revised. Tell him you understand that another three weeks will do the trick if he exercises and works on getting strong again. You will then re-visit his progress again at that time, because you can not offer your home on any long term basis. But you are pleased to offer it for his recovery and it will be fun to get to know each other better and have some quality time together.
Make use of the time you do have together. Maybe you can spend a little time after dinner having him tell stories into a recorder about past family members and events. Those type of stories are always enjoyed by all in years to come and it will make him feel good remembering old times.
Time to heal and time to go back home. Always give a senior the review of what is happening in the next few days. You do not want to worry anyone with a week’s activities at a time, but letting them know that today, tomorrow and the next day - this is what is going to be happening is important for them to plan. If its time for him to go home, start with asking him what he thinks he needs in his refrigerator when he gets home? Would he like you to freeze up a few dinners for him to start with- and so on. This way he is thinking home. Tell him you will have him go over to his place a couple days before he actually moves home to do some washing and cleaning and getting things in order and then he will be ready to make the change.
Taking care of someone can be really rewarding. Any new step presents fears and I totally understand those because I had them too. But my time, living and caring for my mom is stilll something I look back on with good memories. Not to mention, I feel like I became a person that has more patience and understanding of others. Not a bad thing to happen along life’s journey. Please visit my web site and get more tips www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, for your kindness in giving to your uncle. francy
Gardening Over for Senior in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My sister is a life long gardener who has severe arthritis and is now unable to dig in her yard. She is heart sick, she looks outside on a daily basis to complain about what should be done. How can I help her adjust?
Gardens are such private things to folks. Some are barely kept, some are loved to lengths that are hard for most of us to understand. My sister was just such a gardener, she passed in her mid-50’s, leaving my mother, living above her, to look out in the garden and lament about it’s disarray. Mom was in her late 80’s and simply could not keep up with the complex gardening that was needed to keep everything in order. So, I have witnessed this sad event and a garden “going to sleep” that was how my mother described it. It was like losing my sister all over again because that yard had been transformed by her spirit and hands.
First, making an “easy care garden” in close to the house - maybe a quick step to get your sister back to the earth. I’m sure you have seen the small raised beds. You take a bit of land and build a raised bed that is maybe 4ft square and have a seating bench all around it. So she could sit and reach out to plant and tend a small amount of area at a time. She could scoot around the bench or take a daily spot to dig. Remember the many special garden tools designed for challenges can be of great help to hands that no longer are pliable. Small veggies and bloomers could at least make her feel that she was still connected. The raised bed could be close to the house and really block the view of the rest of the garden that will be “going to sleep” with no care. So it would settle her mind on what is in the now, not what is being lost.
Too much? Add some containers and have her pot them up and just do a daily watering. Once again bringing color closer to her reach than watching the large garden.
Too much? Have her plan a way to break the garden down to a minimal area that can be kept with a garden service or someone in her family. That would mean taking out plants and clearing it down to just the larger perennials and spreading thick mulch to keep down the weeds. Think of this as clearing out a house when a senior has gone to a care facility. Have someone come and dig up plants and have your sister “gift” them with little tags telling about their history to friends & family. You could even put up a sign in the front of the house and say, “garden plants FREE for the digging” and have others that love to garden come and dig them up. She would know they had gone to a good home and be calmer about the change. Then her view would be just a landscape that was easy to tame and care for by others.
If gardening has been her life…she may have to make a move at this time, to a place that would benefit her health challenges and leave it behind. Some times – you can not hide the hurt and the constant reminder of something dying or changing in your life. Everyone is different. Some widows/widowers find that staying in their long time home that they shared with their passed spouse is more comforting. Some find that the memories are just to strong and they have to start a new. If that is the case with your sister, remember, moving to a new spot in life is easier the younger you are at the time of the move.
Retirement apartments and communities always have small spots to garden on a limited basis. A small balcony or patio can hold lots of potted containers and keep anyone busy watering. It may seem silly to think of a younger person “retiring” to a community but health challenges are only going to increase, best to get the big move done and sit back and enjoy life. Using all of who you are for the new beginning of your life. Doing different things than you did before. She might find that friends around her for card games and shared outings will soon replace her many hours of gardening to her own drummer. Better than sitting in front of the TV all alone and adding depression to the constant pain of arthritis.
Making changes is never easy. That is not the point, nor is the idea of not affording it or where to go. Those things can be ironed out. Learning to “think” - I am going to be living for many years and I have to figure out the best place for me to do so, with my obvious challenges. That is the hardest part to tackle. Once the brain changes gears to thinking a new life pattern, that pattern falls into place. Its just getting your mind around change that is always the hardest part.
Even the strongest personalities resist change. Even the greatest dare-devils of their age, feel fear to the unknown future. Your job is to try to think of creative ways to present things to your sister, in a loving manner, that she can think over and choose to take action on – or leave on the table.
Getting older is never easy, but being a gardener does not go away. There are wonderful conservatories, public and private gardens and garden shows to attend. Wheelchairs and scooters are always welcomed at those places and keeping her involved in what she loves, but in a different form, is just as lovely.
If she is able to speak well, you will find that the Internet has “voice blog” sites that are free. What that means is that she could do a twice weekly mini- talk show on the net. She could talk about the time of year and ideas of how to tend to the listeners’ gardens. She would be handing down a lifetime of experience instead of mourning it’s lost. Creative ideas keep us going – that’s your only duty – to keep the ideas coming and let her choose something that fits her love and her abilities.
Blessings on you for caring for your sister, please visit my website www.seniorcarewithsprit.comand get more tips for senior caregiving.
Thanks, francy
Senior No Longer Wants to Do Household Chores
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My husband is very ill with a heart condition. He no longer holds a job and is not able to do household chores of any kind. How can I keep him busy?
Well, first of all…all members of a household have to contribute to the home. You just have to get creative about how to keep him involved and not let him fall into the “watch TV all day” world. It will take him and you down to a new low and no one needs to be there.
At meal time, have him set the table. You can keep the flatware in an easy carry basket and the napkins in rings on top. He only needs to take the basket to the table and make place settings for each meal.
You do his wash, take it in to him in the living area and put the basket on a stool and have him do his own folding. If he has to do a walk each day, make sure its to the mail box, with or without you, getting outside is a must. It gives him something to look forward to – or complain about.
Now, there is the problem – complaining. It would be so much easier for the care giving spouse, just to do those small tasks. They get done in a flash when you’re able to multi-task. But guess what? No way. You have to “think” up little things that your senior can do and then make them a must. A job is a job. If you need to put toilet paper out in a bathroom, you hand him the rolls as he leaves his chair for a bathroom break. If its time for garbage, you ask him to carry the small and light trash bin from the bedroom or the bathroom to the kitchen for you. If you are sorting through the bills, ask him to open them- throw out the garbage mail and have the bill and the paid envelop ready for you to put on your billing desk. Keep him involved in your life together. No matter how unwell, little things can be done.
You make the coffee/tea and put the serving pot on the table with the cups and ask him to pour. You have him shine the silver for you – he can do that sitting at the table. You can have him use a small bowl at the kitchen table and peel the apples or peel the potatoes. You bring over the junk drawer and have him sit there and sort and clean it.
You can ask him to find programs for you to circle in the TV section or record on the DVD. And by the way, anyone who watches TV all day, does not get to choose programs at night when you are finally resting and ready to watch TV with them.
Have him gather his clothes for tomarrow and put in the bathroom to ready for his morning shower. Have him mark off his medication or fluid intake. Get him involved in anyway that his limitations allow.
My husband has dementia, he is still able to do projects around the house if they are simple. Like vacuuming, but he does not like it. So there is a fuss each time he does it. Now, I could give in and do it in a 1-2-3- fashion…but I do not. I know that he needs to be involved and I just wait him out. Sooner or later, the vacuum goes on and he gets it done so we can have lunch together! Food is always my draw card for this sort of thing. But really, I now do everything else and as time goes on I will do even more for him. I have to force myself to be strong to keep him busy and be a part of the family life.
The hardest part of care giving is being creative. I say it over and over again. You are tired, you are stressed, you have your own life, your own meds, your own problems and now you take on the whole ball of wax for someone you love. You have to keep strong and make them respect you and the household. Life does not stop because of illness. Weeds have to be pulled, lawns have to be mowed, floors have to be cleaned, dishes have to be done. So, find a place that your senior can do this task or that and make it easy for them by gathering the needed tools into one place. Then set the rules and go for it.
I appreciate what you are dealing with in your care giving to your husband and I thank you for your ongoing gifts of love to him. Please visit my website and get more care giving tips to keep you in the know www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Stress is Overwhelming for Alzheimer’s Caregiver
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy- I’m embarrassed to say this – I care for my husband that has Alzheimer’s and I’m feeling like I am losing it. We have no money for a fancy care center for him and yet we own too much to get assistance. Can you help?
I am right there with you. My husband has Alzheimer’s too and I often feel like I have lost my own mind. I have to work at home, I write and do my senior care consulting as much as I can so I can pay bills and the house payment. I have a large home that needs repairs before it is sold and a very limited income and it all just seems overwhelming on a daily basis. But all of this chaos is not his fault and I still see him as the man I love and married over 30 years ago.
So the only person to keeping the dishes spinning in the air…. is YOU and ME.
Lets talk about you and me for a change and not our husbands.
* I start my days with a personal building energy time (prayer if you like, or meditation) It keeps me feeling safe. I do it as soon as I feel awake and before I move for the day. Just me and my own personal thinking time before I rise from bed.
* I run through my own day and what I have to achieve. Then I think of a few things to keep my husband busy while I finish my own goals. If I need to go out or do something in depth, I may have to have a family or friend come over – but usually I stay home. There are day care centers for him, but they’re pricey and I try not to use them too often. I get all of that in my mind and then I keep it to myself. You do not want to start the day with negative things and putting to much information in your spouse’s mind What daily plans that used to calm him, now overwhelms him. So I am the master of the day.
* I get up and make sure breakfast is made for us “both”. I make no exceptions to this. I eat, he eats and takes his meds. My husband has a special emotional pill and brain pill that need to get into him with food. He has to take them about an hour before they work. So, for the first hour I keep him calm. I often feed him breakfast in bed and then his pills. I then get dressed and then it’s time for him to get up and start his day.
* I am now quite protective of my time. If someone wants to come and visit – I set the time to visit, not them. Where once I was perky and friendly – I am now very careful with my time. What will tire me or upset him, is it worth the visit or the outing? I get to decide, my family gets to live with it. And they do, they support me and understand. But I had to lay the rules down, I had to be the bad guy at first, not a fun thing to do.
*Old traditions are now changed. We used to travel, go out to dinner, go to charity events and hit the movies or plays. Now, we stay home and watch PBS specials and he watches the military channel! I used to receive flowers and special gifts for holidays and some times just because he cared. Now there are no gifts of remembrance from him. I now give him special things and buy my own flowers. But I do buy flowers and I did buy my Christmas gift online and when it arrived I kept it in the delivery box and put wrapping paper on it and put it under the tree. As he asked if he could buy me a gift, I would point to the box and say…”You did!”
* When I feel really stressed I stand up and walk away from the situation to another room. I take three very deep breaths and then I try to think of my Kodak Moment. That is a little thing I have been doing for a long time to take note of life’s little gifts. As I go through my days, I see something sweet around me and I take a picture of it in my mind. Like waking up with my sweet husband by my side and our two dogs hugging in close to him and our cat at the end of the bed. All of us together in a place of safety and sleep. Or, when I am driving and I see some squirrels run across the road or cute little children climbing off a school bus, I hit the snap button in my brain’s own little camera. So, when I am need to do a mini-mini escape from frustration and stress – I can pull up some of my brain pictures and think about them and be grateful.
* I make a plan to escape once a month. If there is a special museum show or a free summer concert in the park. I make that our “get out day” I take a small picnic a couple of chairs and my husband and I drive to the event and have a really nice time. Short, simple, something for each of us.
* Now, this is the hard part. I made a decision that my husband did not need any further medical treatment for the usual check-ups that we all have done. If he has cancer or a cold that turns into phneumonia it will be how he passes. Because dementia does take your mind first, but it may take a long, long time to take the body. I do not want him floating in a state of confusion for years. So, I am turning it over to a higher power to decide what his passing will be. But I am not going out of my way to keep him in perfect health as I have been for the last 30 years. This was the hardest thing I have had to do so far, just making this decision and now sticking with it tore me apart.
* You may find me poking fun at my husband for his non-functioning brain, or singing a song that comes to my mind, or watching only happy movies, or talking to friends that have fewer problems in their lives, or reading a Daily Word, or writing a daily journal, or just being goofy. Because I can not stop being me – a blonde is simply a blonde and there is nothing I can do to stop that. Ditzy and strange, but I can still give him love and care better when I allow the me inside to still be there.
* If there is food that I am craving, or a book that I want to read – I carve out time for me too. More and more he is just watching TV, so I am able to do my work during the day…at night I curl up to him and put my headphones on and listen to music and read a book while he is watching his favorite show. It comforts me to be close to him.
*If there is an argument I pull back and stop. There is nothing to argue over now, I am making the decisions right or wrong. All the years of sharing and compromise are gone, now it is me that has to decide and hope that my actions will bring us both to a better place in all things.
*If I become frightened of my decisions or of the ever changing moods of my husband – I deal with it with tears. I do not allow myself to think ” be brave no tears” – No way, I am brave, but I do have tears and loneliness and that is OK. After a good cry on my own, I work through it and come out ready to tackle another challenge.
* I do make plans for “after my husband” – I do not think this is being cruel to him, I think of it as being kind to myself. I will say to myself; “when things are over I will make a trip to the ocean with my sister and just rest and enjoy the dogs on the beach.” It gives me a feeling that “the end”, will not be “my end”. I need to feel that to keep my spirit strong.
* I try to care for myself as much as I can. Everyone tells you to take it easy. When you deal with any heavy care giving you can not “take it easy” but you can eat and drink water, and get check ups and take your meds on time. You can walk in place or do Yoga – you can have a journal and express yourself – you can eat chocolate and laugh.
* I hope that some day…no one will understand our frustrations. I hope this horrid thing of dementia, cancer, brain disorders, diabetes and such are long gone. I hope that a wife can enjoy her husband until the last breath instead of spending years giving him intensive, 24/7 care. But, for now…you and I both know it is only us. WE are the ones that will take them through to the end, we are the ones that can do it. We have been strong our whole lives and now we just have to be strong again, but for two. I spend my day telling my husband, ” I love you”. I guess I just don’t want him to forget that too. But it comforts me, every time I say it – I feel safe for a minute. Feeling safe is what we have to hold on to, even for a moment.
* You can do this, spouses do this all the time. We are all tucked away in homes here and there around the world, but we are all going through the same feelings. Click into a support group, click on my webpage and my online radio show and keep your spirits as strong as you can. You are gifting your spouse with more love than you ever thought you had. You are not leaving him alone, you are standing by his side and you are doing it with your head held high and a smile. Because pioneer men and women have it in them.
Visit me at www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more tips and ideas of how to be creative in your care giving. Blessings on you…francy
Senior Does Not Want to Take So Many Pills
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: My Dad is constantly telling me he has too many pills. I just do not know how to handle this, do I actually take some away?
I am right with you, my mother and my husband said the same thing. If you think about medications they do add up. Then you add in a supplement for joint pain, a small aspirin, stool softener and before you know it, you have a mess of pills to swallow. So, here are some ideas.
* First I have all the medications on a listing on my computer. I put the pill type, the strength, the amount of pills per day, the doctor, what it’s for and then the time of day to take it and if it needs food. I am very good about keeping this listing up to date, so I can take it with me to any doctors office instead of a bag of pill bottles and present it at the hospital on emergency. It takes a little while to get it done the first time, but then it is just a simple update and you can save the file on your desktop to remind you.
* I have a morning and night – large pill container for my husband. But when I cared for my mother I had a huge container that I got through the hospital…she had 24 pills each day to take and I needed to give them to her four times a day. You will find these containers at the drug store or the pharmacy at your local hospital. They are a must!
* Once a week I go through my printed listing and check off the pills as I fill the container. I have to cut some of the pills and add supplements and such, but I do that once a week. Since most of my husband’s pills have to be taken with food, I make sure he has eaten before he takes the pills. I use yogurt, or pudding, applesauce, a bagel, or a cookie! Whatever works to get his stomach ready.
* Older people are generally not water drinking people. We all have so much water each day to flush our systems and we think everyone drinks a few glasses, not so! So, the best thing to do is to buy a juice like cranberry and put a small amount in the glass and then put in the water, so it gives it a bit of flavor.
* There are different ways to encourage people to swallow pills. You can have an Occupational Therapist help you with this if you get to a point that swallowing is a problem. They are great at getting pills to slide down older throats!
* In our state laws (Washington) state a care giver can not put a pill in someones hand or mouth. They can only present the pill in a container and watch to make sure the patient takes it. But that rule does not pertain to a family member, so you do not have to worry about it. I personally take the pills from the pill sorter, twice a day and put them into a small bowl that I have and leave the lid of the pill sorter open. That way, if my husband forgets to take them or I forget if I gave them, I can see at a glance that I did hand out the “Tues Morning Pills” because of the lid. Then my husband takes them.
* My husband’s dementia means that he rarely remembers what pill is what and why he is taking them. So I printed out a copy of the pill listing I have done (see above) and I have it in a plastic cover. Each time he asks to stop taking some of his pills I hand the plastic sheet to him and say, read this and tell me which one you want to stop. Once he reads what each pill does, he says well I guess it’s OK. This happens a couple of times a week for us. Hopefully your Dad will only need one review of the listing to see each pill has a purpose.
*The argument my mother gave me in her advancing 90’s was…I am going to die of something, why take pills? I would show her the list and tell her. “If you stop taking your heart meds or blood thinner and you could have a stroke or heart attack, so be it. But, what if the result is not death but you are so weakened that it keeps you from talking - or your heart attack means you are in a high care nursing facility for months or years?” That always did it for her, she would then understand that the reason for the pills was not just to live, but to live with dignity.
* Now, when you get to a point that hospice takes over care for someone that is 6 months or so out from passing. They will lower the pills down to the ones that keep someone from pain and remove the ones that do all the background work. They do it with a doctor and they adjust the meds in a way that makes the patient comfortable and pain free. So that changes the goals of the medications, but it is done with a doctor overseeing the process.
* Mother’s doctors really did not know much about treating a person in their late 90’s. They were scheduling her for routine breast tests and bone density test, etc. I stopped that stuff. We did not have to run around the town to find out if she had problems with her body. Obviously problems happen when you are advancing towards 100. She did not want to go through surgery or extra treatment for anything at her age. So, the tests were out. That made the time at the doctor’s offices much easier for both of us. Those are things that a simple “health care directive” will guide you.
* If you do not have a Health Care Directive, get one. You need to be made aware of his wants on his care and his death. You can get very inexpensive “family law” software that has basic wills and power of attorney rights for your to fill out and print. (Or buy a form at the office store) Have this filled out with both of you, get it witnessed with two people that are not related and then get it notarized by a bank, insurance or reality office. This way you are legally able to make decisions for your dad if he is confused or unwell. It does not give you the right to work with his financial end…that would be a full power of attorney. That would be between you and your dad to decide. Best to get this part of your relationship over and then you can concentrate on making medical and care decisions that you know he would want made on his behalf.
Good luck on the pills…hope this all helped and please visit my website to get more tips and information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you, francy
Terminal Seniors Need Memories
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear francy: My dad is only 72, he was so active, now he is facing the end of a battle with colon cancer. Depression has set in and I do not know how to lift his spirits. Do you have suggestion?
Yes, memories. When you are facing the end of your life and all seems lost, it is time to turn around and see what is behind you. The friends, the loved ones, the stories of childhood, teen years and early parenthood. The travels, the mistakes – it all needs to begin to tumble out and let him sort through it. You can be the one to open this door and let him know its OK to look back and talk about what was and to release the worries about what will be.
Most folks that face death will discuss things before they pass. Some might say; ” If I die, I do not want a big fuss funeral like Harry.” Then out of the blue their own death happens. This has been reported on by many family members of those that have passed with accidents or sudden death. It is strange to feel they just had a moment in time that opened them up for a possibility.
The others know they are passing they may avoid any talk about death and just ignore their spiral downward. Sometimes it is their personal fear, or the worry over those left behind, that they need to hold on as long as they can to care for family or friends. So, it is even more important that family allow them to discuss things without any judgement. You will find Hospice has many different chaplains that are trained to help the patient work through their thoughts on their own death. These chaplains do not have to be involved in faith, they are trained to do this process with anyone’s belief system. It is just that most of us want to talk about death with a stranger, so we can be open and not judged or hurt feelings in the discussion. So make sure you have someone that can come and encourage those discussions. Hospice is the best option I know of for the end of life care. If you choose other ways - invite a trained counselor into to your home to talk to your dad.
Now, about the memories…that is where you can shine all on your own. Memories help everyone work out thoughts in their minds. I find that almost all of my seniors that I have shared the journey to their passing with – talk about their past with great passion.
I start by asking them where they were born and what their parents were like. Then I ask them about their home and neighborhood. All of this begins the road to stories of young childhood, old friends long forgotten and times that have changed so much over the years.
Each visit I bring up a new topic and try to slowly walk them through their life. “What high school or college did you attend – were you in the military.” If they are shy, I will ask to see their pictures from that time. “Do you have a high school annual, pictures from boot camp or foreign travel shots as a young person?” I just take it easy and as I work, clean around them, tend to them - I encourage them to talk. I try to keep the TV down or off while I visit and just ask them questions in a soft manner. You rarely have to push, the words and memories start to unlock and soon they are rushing out.
You can have a recorder ready if you want to remember something. You can call a family member if they get stuck and wonder what ever happened to old Harry. You can make sure the family recipe for Apple pie that he was talking about suddenly appears in front of him with a piece of apple pie. It is up to you to be creative, but I assure you it can be very special listening to a life progress.
Bad times, sad things they come up and you have to watch some pain in the memory. People they lost, battles, jobs, money they lost. Life is never a picnic for anyone. But just be the observer – no judgement is needed. Allow them to talk and to cry or to laugh, or to just go quiet with their own thoughts.
My mother went through this and in the process by birth was talked about quite extensively. I was the baby of the family…the whoops! She talked about how sad it was for her to finally get her kids in school and her life back and then to be pregnant again. She then went into menopause after my birth and there was depression and a life of raising a very active child. At first, the conversation hit my heart. I was thinking how I always thought she loved me and wanted me and now I find out, I was just a pain for her. It effected me more than I knew because I am still processing it all after a couple of years since her passing. But, I allowed her to talk through it without my comments. I let her tell me her inner frustrations that she had to share and get out. They hurt, they were not pretty on my end. But, it was a process that she had to go through to get things laid out in front of her before she passed.
I do not think there is anyone ready to kick the bucket! We all go out screaming and fighting in one way or another…but we can settle into an ending that is more peaceful with memories. We can see that our life did have a lot of very special times, people and love. We can see that the bad times and feelings are gone and now faced again and tucked away. We can move forward through the physical pain, worry and fear and see that we had purpose and we leave an imprint.
Leaving an imprint, is really important to take note of when you go towards the ending of your life. Allowing your feelings and memories to be sorted and put to rest allows the terminal patient the ability to stay in the moment and be relaxed and ready for the journey.
It may be an emotional ride for you and your father…but facing the memories and the inner fears of death will make the final steps lighter for you both. I know that facing the end of your father’s life and being a caregiver for him, is very hard. You are going to remember this time all of your life, so just take it step by step and do not let your fears keep you from his side.
You can and are doing your best and that is all that is needed. Nature takes care of the rest. Please visit my website and review my CD on death and dying called, “What is at the End of Your Rainbow” – www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thank you for all you are doing for your dad. francy
Keep Seniors Clean!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parents are caring for each other in their own home, I go over every other day. The mess is driving me nuts, its like they do not even see it. I try to pick up here or there and they both get upset. Got tips?
Yep, I have tips. Remember when you were in your early teens and your room was a mess 24/7 and you mom would say – “Just because it’s Saturday you do not get to go out before you clean your room.” – Remember? Well, you’re becoming the mom, for them now and you get to make the clean-up rules. Life can not be dirty for seniors, they will get unwell, get depressed, take a fall over the piles of papers and have rodents infest their home with food stuffs piling up in garbage cans.
* If they have money – that does not mean wealth, just enough money for comfort. Then a twice a month maid service is best to start. Take your budget and call a few services and ask them how much time you would get for the money you have available. These places are bonded and their staff is not going to take things from the house, they are trained to clean fast – in & out. I always concentrate on the kitchen and the bathroom, those are places older people can not see well enough to keep clean. Then if the budget allows the living areas can be dusted and vacuumed. But you at least know that once or twice a month, the kitchen and bath have been well cleaned and the garbage taken out and the place will feel so good to your mother.
* If the cleaning service is too much, there is another way. You can find a gal in the neighborhood or your faith center that is either a retired lady or a young mother trying to stay home with her kids. Ask them if they are open to cleaning the house for your budget amount. You will find that they will do just as good a job, and do it for less. The problem, can you trust them with the safety of the house? Just remember, teenagers come with friends that can break and enter homes. They can see money or jewelry that is easy to take and they take it. So, if you stick to an older gal that respects things and is known by your parents or you, or a young mother that simply wants a few dollars for extra gas money…you should find them OK for the job. But, any time you have people in the home, you need to do a quick removal of anything big that could be taken. So, tell your mom the jewelry is going in the lock box at the bank. Your father’s watch is there too and when they go out to a fancy funtion (which I bet is very rare these days) you will retireive them.
* The best way to deal with the current mess in the living areas is to tackle it while they are out. Much less fuss. Rule one, nothing gets thrown out. You simply put all the newspapers and magazines in a container for the recycle and place it in the garage. It has to be in the garage, not in the house. So, if your dad wants to walk all the way out to the garage to get the recycle, he will think twice about it. Then you dust and move the furniture for a good vacuum. You may want to bring your vacum over so it has plenty of suction. Then you make sure you add something, like flowers on the table tops – just stop by the grocery store and get a mixed flower bouquet and put it in little glass containers on a couple of the tables in the living area. That will perk it up and make it all look and feel good.
* If you see they have pill bottles all over the place, that has to change. Bring them into the kitchen and divide them up with your mother’s in one basket and your dad’s in another. Then see if they have daily pill sorters. If not, you need to run out and get one for each of them and put their name on each one with finger nail polish. Most drug stores will use different colors for couples so they can keep their pill bottles separate. If this has not happened use a rubber band on all of your dad’s pill bottles. That way they can easily see the difference between them. This way; pills are sorted and arranged for taking twice to four times a day – once a week. This means the actually pill bottles stay in the baskets in the kitchen up on a safe shelf (away from the sink – where the steam can get to them) You then can sort the pills once a week on one of your visits and they can have their daily pill box right next to their chairs in their living area.
* Wash – the clothing thing is hard for older people that get unwell. Some times they have an accident and they have soiled things and that is embarrasing. But, that is even more important to make sure the dirty clothes are in containers, not on the floor. This is important to keep the spread of germs down to nothing in their home. So, you will have to make a space for their dirty clothes in their bedroom and the bath. I got a very large garbage can with a swinging lid that was cylindracal and put in the bathroom. I lined it with a very light plastic bag, so all I had to do was pull out the plastic bag a couple of times a week and keep those things going in the washer while I was doing other things around mother’s home. I had to buy a timer…so when I left and the drier was still going -I would set the timer and put it by her chair. She would then go and get her clothes and do the folding and the process meant we both shared a little of the work and it made it easier for my mother to live on her own a few years longer.
* I understand that papers and tools and gadgets have a place in the living area – when that is the only room someone spends their time. So, what I did for mother was buy a couple of baskets that were easy to pick up and empty, or take out to the work area to retrun tools or sort through papers. It make it easy for mother and I am sure it will make it easy for your parents. You will see that they will throw things in the basket and forget them. So, your cleaning them out, will not be a big deal on your visits.
* Walking around and spraying the channel changers, the wall switches, the oven handles, the telephones and cell phones and gettting those germs down to a minimum is just part of your visit once a week. As you get older, its a little like younger children, hands get dirty and germs start to migrate all over the place. This way, you have it under control. Let them be bothered, let them complain, just keep poking around and getting little things done here and there and you will find they will give in and relax and start to understand they raised a clean freak!
* Each season, do something that moves them toward a cleaner place. You might want to add an air cleaner to the living room or bedroom. That makes a huge difference for allergies and lung problems. You might want to add a water filter on their sink or just a little one for their daily water intake. Then the spring means you clean up their bedroom and get under the bed and change the mattrass and the fall means you clean the filter to the heater.
It does take you being creative but if you have a schedule, they will follow it and understand. So, instead of feeling bad, you simply have to take a mother stance and say, “we do this because I say“.
I know that you do not want to walk all over your parents, but this is an important time. If they are both unwell, they need you to keep them in their home. If they need you, they need to follow your lead and keep their surroundings clean and clear. They have to be able to walk and use their walkers, so that means no throw rugs or garbage on the floor. They have to be able to shower on unsteady legs. That means a good shower seat that they sit on outside of the tub and then move over into the tub and use a hand held shower. If you need to buy and put one in, you can do this on any current shower head. Get the hardware to expain the process and use low flow water heads to save on their water bill.
*Take things down from the tall cupboards in the kitchen and keep the used items close and easy to reach. Clean out the bathroom and get it up to date with new products and new towels. Make the house a place they enjoy and see as updated and fun, not as a place to protect against change. It will take your mind to think of ways to ease them out of old behaviors into to new ones. But you can do it. Keep a smile, keep yourself up and happy on your visits. Everytime a fuss is made, you just say, “I am doing this to keep you both safe in your own home, and this is what I need to do”. Being a strong daughter or son is not pleasant, but it is simply how the world changes when we age. Using love and creativity is the key. Making them laugh over newspapers that are two years old, making them not even know you have slipped a laundry in the wash and cleaned up the refrigerator when you put away the groceries you bought. That is how it is done, sneaky, but with lots of love.
Thank you for all you are doing to keep your parents safe and tucked into their home for a few more years. Please go to my website and enjoy other ideas that may be of help for you and if you get to a place that you need an advanced care center for your parents, let me know. I have a free service to help you with that too. www.seniorcarewithspririt.com
Thanks, francy
Traveling with an Alzheimer’s Senior
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I am going to take my older sister on a garden tour trip to Canada, this spring. Any suggestions?
As long as you are with her – there should be no problem. I would always get travel insurance. You never know how fast her condition can change. She may be in a comfortable spot with her dementia at this time but life can change. Just be sure you’re covered financially if you have to cancel.
Get a good ID Bracelet with her name and your cell phone number. If she gets lost, a good person can easily call your cell phone. Give her a cell phone to wear around her neck. My husband has one with him all the time, but he often forgets how to use it. Write on the back “push 1 to call Sarah” so she can remember how to call you, if she is confused. Make sure others around you know she has memory challenges. That way they will take note if they see her alone and walking away. They have GPS units that you can put on her wrist and then have the receiver in your purse. If she goes a missing, you click it on and find her blinking on the screen. It does have a range, so put on your own antenna and remember to keep her by your side or with a few minutes range at all times.
Most doctors that treat dementia of all forms; ask the care family not to make any changes around the patient. The familiar keeps dementia seniors comfortable, calm and functioning well. But if you are traveling with her and she uses you as her safe key for comfort there should be no problems.
I know many people that take short trips with dementia patients and they have had nothing but fun times. It’s always good to remember you are not going to leave her for a moment. Not even in the room to take a nap. You can never plan on her movements on her own. She could wake in a strange room walk out the door and you would be looking for her all over the place. Think of what you would do with a toddler and how you would not leave them, well that is the idea for the dementia/Alzheimer senior.
I know from a friend that was a flight attendant - the amount of people that literally dump grandma at the airport with a ticket in her hand. The senior is guided to the gate and then just pushed along with others through to the flight, but on the other end, who is there? Usually the family has had enough and is sending grandma on to another sibling. That is NOT how you treat a person that can go into confusion at any moment.
My friend said the flight crew is nervous all through the flight with worry over the senor’s safety in an emergency and they often have to escort off the plane and sit and wait with the senior for the family to show up. Sad stuff.
I am guilty. When my husband was in early stages of dementia/Alzheimer’s he went on a trip to visit his kids in California. We had NOT gotten a diagnosis of his dementia at that time. He had been forgetting things, showing odd behavior and expressing anger but it was early days, yet. So, he got a ticket from his son and he was ready to go.
Now, as a life-long traveler (my husband owned and ran travel agencies for over 35 years) he was ready to hit the road on the drop of a hat. But, I did notice he was confused and upset about packing. Boy that really threw me, because my husband had always been the packing genius. I would take forever to pack and he would pack in 10 minutes for 3 weeks in Europe! His behavior was strange enough that I packed for him, that time. I dropped him off, with time to spare, at the airport with cookies to eat before the flight, kisses, goodbyes and drove off. He made it through to the plane and the flight was on time. He then got off in Reno and he called me right away, ”francy, I just can not remember why I am here?” he said.
I was a mess of worry over the call. He son did pick him up on time and no other words were spoken about the trip but positive stuff. So, I calmed down until two days later. The phone rang again, “francy, I have just called Kittens and asked her to come and get me. I have no idea how to get back to Jo’s place”. He had taken the car to drive into town and look around while his son went to work and he got lost, lucky for us, his daughter drove to met him and get him back to the house right away. Her immediate response saved the us all from a lot of pain.
That was that for me. I made a pledge that he would not travel without me, again! I was so happy to see his smiling face when he got off the plane and walked out of the gate area. He was filled with happy stories and yet, he knew his life had changed. He even asked me to make an appointment with the doctor, he accepted the fact that he needed help. It was the beginning of a big change in our lives and I am just glad I got him home safe. He could have gotten so lost driving around the mountain area of Tahoe City.
The problem with dementia/Alzheimer’s is that you never know what confuses someone. Some place or thing they have done over and over through the years, suddenly slips out of their mind and they lose their place. They can use the remote control for the TV on a daily basis and suddenly start to push buttons in frustration. They drive to the local store and then forget why they’re in the parking lot, they start to put oil in the car and then walk away and leave the car there with the oil bottle still tipped upside-down in the engine area. It is so strange to watch their minds change and so you can not count on any normal or usual action to take place.
The confusion of getting off a plane and not knowing what direction to walk to the baggage area. That could set them off and they would wander down and around the airport for hours. The confusion of sitting at a different table having lunch and you go for the salad bar and they just get up and start to wander off.
Then they have a few days of total calm and awareness of their surroundings and you think “Oh, things are OK now.” But you have to accept that things are never going to be better now – ever. Their minds will slowly get worse and you just have to change your life to fit into their new life. So, treat them as you did your younger toddlers, keep them in eye’s view.
Keep your sister right with you and then the trip to the store or the beautiful Canadian gardens will be fun and enjoyable for you both. Thank you for such quality care of your sister, she is a lucky girl to have you. Please go to my website and get other tips on all senior care issues. I also have a great FREE Senior Care Placement Service that will help you make a decision on future advanced care for your loved one. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
By the way, I have a dear friend that specializes in trips & cruises for seniors and those with challenges. To visit her website go to my web page and click on the links. Linda is a dear gal and will give you excellent care. She was a terrific care giver to her mother, with Alzheimer’s for many years so she has been there. She has traveled the world and is an expert in group and personal tours. Plus, she is a very nice lady and you will enjoy having her help you with all your travel needs. Her web site www.travelingcougars.com has her phone contact information. Just give her a call and see if she can really add some zing to your life with a little safe travel!
Please go and enjoy the rest of the Alzheimer blogs on my Dear Francy blogs and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comto get more information. Don’t forget, when you get to the stage that you need care facility help for your loved one, please contact me and let me help you through that process with our Loving Memories – Senior Care Facility Placement Service that is FREE for you to use.
Thank you, francy
Boomers Are Stressed Over Senior’s Medications
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy;
I am going nuts over asking my wife if she has taken her pills. I get them ready before I go to work and she is unable to take them on time, even when I call to remind her. I need more ideas!
This is the way that dementia starts to tug at the mind of caregivers. It’s the little things that are so important and so hard to handle when you repeat and repeat and get no reaction. So let’s go through some of the guidelines of medication and see if we can give you some peace.
First, you’re only required to “try”. That means a good college try. Try everyday to keep the medications in her life as stable as you can. There is still a world out there and you have to live in it, go to your work and care for the rest of your family. So just take a deep breath and try. The consistent attention that you give your wife is much like what you had to do when your children were growing up. Frustration is high, disappointment is high, and worry is high for anyone caring for a patient with emotional or brain dysfunctions. It’s just what we have to do. As you know, I care for my husband with Alzheimer’s, too….so this pill is a big deal for YOU and for ME.
The importance of medication for dementia/Alzheimer’s seniors is really critical because the emotional pills keep them stable; the brain medication is designed to keep as many brain functions as possible – working. Taking two sets of pills in the morning will only confuse and upset the senior and omitting even one set of pills will change their personality and may do damage to the brain. If you remember from your doctor’s talking to you about the brain – it actually loses power when someone over-doses, gets upset, gets ill with a high temperature, infection or high confusion-stress event. It can take weeks to months to build brain functions back from those various events.
Since the brain on dementia/Alzheimer is now slowing down in growing new pathways – they may not recover. They will just go downhill faster. Brain trauma is one of the biggest recovery problems for the young solders coming home, wounded in the war. They have young healthy bodies and they’re able to slowly build up their brains again. They can make up for the brain functions that were lost and build new ones at the same time. Now it may take them months or years, but the function of their brain is always in a forward motion healing itself. The older senior – does not have the building brain power at that level anymore and has an actual block with the workings of dementia/Alzheimer’s condition – those seniors are in trouble. A step back is really two steps back and never forward again.
That means it’s up to us to help them remove the stress events, keep them from getting unwell, and keep their medication intake as close to schedule as possible. So, let’s review the steps to take to make the medication preparation easier:
Medication Preparation:
- All medications, their strength, their name, the reason for taking them, the time to dispense, amount of pills and if they are taken with food – should be written down. Go to your computer and take time for a complete listing. Keep it right on your screen as an icon (save to the desktop) and update as you get new Rx’s. Add the supplements you are using, too. So you have a clear pattern of what pills to give and when that anyone can read and understand. Write it for someone else to read and it will be clear to all care givers and professionals that will need the information in the future.
- Most patients start with morning and night routines, but this may go up to four times a day. You need to have a good sized pill sorting/container. Go to the bigger drug stores and find a container that is right for your use. I now have to keep this container in my own bathroom, in a drawer, away from my husband’s sight. He will see it and think he has to take his pills at any time of day or night. So, I now have them tucked away.
- I keep the pill bottles in a basket and sort through the pills once a week and make sure I have them all in order. I re-order new meds if they are getting low and I buy new supplements. I use Turmeric and high B vitamins, a joint supplement and Omega Oils (salmon oil) if you want to know about those – do a Google and find out the different supplements that people are using to help with dementia. Remember all of the supplements are in addition to their medications. I fill up the 7 day supply of pills for morning and night and then I can relax over that part for the rest of the week. The big basket of pills containers goes up on a high shelf in my laundry room. (my husband does not enter that room)
- I take the pills from the weekly container – twice a day and put them in a small dish and hand them to my husband. If I am not there I have him take them before I leave, or I now have someone else give him the pills. If I was going to be gone for a day or two- I would have a friend in the neighborhood or a family member come and give him the pills. My husband is just not able to do it any longer without help.
- I have been asking him – “Did you take your pills?” for a year now! But, that is a silly thing to ask someone that cannot remember if they have taken their pills…they may remember they took them the day before or last night so the memory for them is not reliable. At first we would leave the lid of the morning open to check on during the day. That got too complicated and he doubled up his meds too many times. This new way of just dispensing the medications works best for me. I did the same thing for my mother’s care. I treat the pills as if I have a toddler in the house; they are put up on a shelf or in a room that they do not go into – for safety.
- Caution; in many states putting pills in someone’s mouth or putting mediated cream on their skin is not legal. So you have to know the rules for your area of care. If you are a family member the rules do not apply, you can administer the medications. I still, put them in a small bowl and he takes them with fruit juice & water. I now watch him do it twice a day. His Alzheimer’s pills have to be taken with food – I have bagels, yogurt and applesauce ready at all times. He has taken them on his own without the food and that results in heart burn or sick stomach – when that happens I know he has done something off the grid and I check the process out right away.
Trust your own mind. If your wife says something and you hear it but think she is misinterpreting things – check it. Go and look – see if the pills are gone or two day’s pills are missing. See if she can find the car keys and then change them to another spot. Take a note from what she says, she may be saying something important but in a form that your ear does not hear. So, retrain your ear to hear her meaning not her words.
I get upset over meds. I try so hard to get them right and it hurts me so when something goes wrong. My upset is Ok -I need to be a person with feelings, but to overdue the upset is wrong. That’s when you pull the senior in the pool with you and that can be harmful. Just like you used to do with the toddler, be firm and clear about the mistake and then leave it.
Have your wife take her morning meds before you leave the house. Ask the doctor to change any afternoon medications to something that can be given on a time release or morning only basis. (Because she will not take the meds on her own) Then you give her meds after dinner and that is that. Life has to have solutions and that is as close as you can get. If the meds require four times a day, getting a helper to come in and do it for you is a must. You can trade a retired person in the neighborhood for doing their lawn or having them over for dinner once a week. Think of ways to make it work, without a big expense.
Medications can make such a big difference in dementia/Alzheimer’s seniors that it’s worth the worry and the work over the process and I applaud you for your “good try”. Just keep plugging along, the path may be long and lonely, but the reward is your wife’s peace and quality of life. Thanks for all you do and please visit my website and get more information www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Sign up for our newsletter while you are there!
Thanks, francy
Red Carpet Treatment for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parents downsized to a small home, they’re both health challenged and they have no money to go anywhere! How can I bring more smiles to their lives?
Perfect day for smiles when we are talking about Awards time on TV, the top Dog Shows are in the spring, Derby Day will come in May and then Tiger Woods is back on the links, again. There are always special movies, special events and something fun to watch or be involved in – you just have to make it special.
Bring you or your family over to their place with pizza and popcorn and watch the TV event with them. That way it’s a special night that you all enjoy together. No worry if you know nothing about horse racing or opening day of baseball, it’s the event that counts.
If you have time, give your mom a facial while you watch the red carpet interviews. Talk about the dresses and the pretty girls. It does not mean you have to see all the movies or know the award winners, it’s just the event that makes the night fun. How about all of the girls from grandma to grand daughters get their nails done while you watch TV. A girls night -
Your dad can have his time in the sun, there are pay for view games, fights and sports events you and your husband or friend can make it a guys night out. Make or buy an apple pie and serve it warm with vanilla ice cream and you will have all generations of the guys in your family - happy as can be.
Summer means there’s lots of summertime fun events. Free fun at that. I love concerts in the park, we have a small community near us that has a terrific 4th of July parade that is so small and reminds you of the old days with the kids following on their bikes or walking their dogs. I love it!
There are community events, small market days or flee markets set up in each community and even great ice cream shops to get that old fashioned ice cream cone.
Life does not have to be pricey. Dinner out can be fried chicken from your kitchen, or from the grocery store deli section. Potato salad and pickles are all you need…with some old fashioned bottles of cream sodas or root beer. Drive down to the lake or sea shore and have a nice picnic. If your parents are no longer able to get out and walk…then just stop by and get hamburgers off the dollar menu and drive to a place with a great view and eat in the car.
There are still drive-in movie places here and there…they still allow folks to have a good time. It might not be easy for those that have to use the bathroom a lot, if that’s the case rental movies are the best.
I recently had my sister and her husband over and we watched a movie that reflected the time when they were growing up. We all laughed and had a good time together over a simple movie. I served a good dessert and the evening was really very nice.
I have friends that have movie night with about three couples, once a month. They bring a potluck dinner and take turns ordering movies. Simple, low budget enjoyment with friendship kicked in to make it even better.
Outside BBQ’s in the summer make it fun for the grand kids. Older people just love to watch young people so buying that blow up wading pool for Grandpa’s back yard will keep the kids busy all evening. Just do what you like to do, but do it with them.
Yes, it does take more of your time to carry around things from house to house. Yes, the kids may throw fits to go away from their computer games for an evening, but a twice a month visit that’s filled with enjoyable things for everyone is not a bad way to encourage family nights.
For many years, my mother had Sunday dinners. All of my sisters and their young families would come and we all enjoyed the full family together for good food and great visits. There is nothing wrong with a once a month gathering of family at your parents home, with you doing the cooking. Your parents can look forward to the event and the family can still have those memories and family ties that make for healthy realtionships as kids grow up. Even if it’s a tight squeeze, its the food and family that count.
Once a year, on Queen Victoria’s birthday in May, my girlfriends and I used to go to our larger city (Seattle) and have high tea.We would dress up, wear hats, gloves and even tiaras and have a grand time. It was so much fun. You can re-create that sort of thing in the back yard with your sisters, daughters, nieces and your mother. Life can be fun with little things, it may seem crazy and take time & energy on your part - but fun is fun. Money does not have to be a stumbling block to enjoyement!
Thanks for taking time to care about your mom and dad. How lucky they are that they have you to keep them smiling. Please go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand take a look at the other senior care tips that I have for you. Remember, if you’re thinking about placing your parents in a care facility of any kind – I have a FREE service that will help you make those decsions and find just the right assistance that they need its all on the web site please do visit.
Thank you, francy
Cats for Good Elder Health & Care!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; Mother lost her dog over a year ago, she misses it so, but her health is keeping her from taking on a new dog. Should I push a new dog or not?
I am so into this – my mother had her dog with her until it passed (at 19) a few months before she did (at 100). So, I totally understand the connection for a senior and I think its vital to have relationships and responsibilities for seniors of all age and abilities.
A dog needs attention and a daily routine. That means that the senior can give them loads of loving and it keeps both the senior and the dog on schedule to feed, pet, groom and exercise.
So, if there is an enclosed yard -right off your seniors living area that they can release the dog for them to go potty and get some run-around time, yeah. If the senior is still able to walk to the mailbox and can take the dog with them, yeah. If the senior can reach down and fill the water bowl and feed the dog, yeah. Then go ahead and encourage them to get another dog.
There is never a replacement for a pet that we have had for years, that’s a loss that will be carried for a very long time. But giving an older dog, that’s on the small side, a new life with a senior - is such a blessing for them both.
Good news, there are lots of senior programs that give money towards or waive the adoption fee at local shelters. Check them out with the larger dog food companies and call your shelter and ask them if they have a program for seniors. Our shelter has a person that will handle the adoption. She takes down the seniors needs and abilities and then she starts to look for a dog. When she finds one she calls and you can then go and visit. You will find this service really helpful. She will get a dog that may not be able to adopt into a younger family, it maybe older itself and has come from a senior that could no longer keep it. So the matching is important and all you have to do is some homework and get the ball going, there are so many people in the adopt a pet world that want to place animals to good homes. Allow those professional to suggest what’s best for the senior. Even though a life time of larger dogs has been enjoyed, it might be time for a small dog that takes up less room, less food and spends more quality time on the lap or sitting next to the senior.
You can also go online and actually look at the pet. Most shelters have pictures of all their pets and it’s really enjoyable to take a look. My mother wanted a very small dog and she loved schnauzers so it took us about six months to find one. We had to drive to a nearby town to adopt it, but it was a perfect match. She enjoyed that dog for over 10 years and the dog was older when we adopted it. About one year before mother moved in with us, she shared with me that I would have to take the dog to my home. She was having problems getting it outside on time and it was doing it’s business in the house. Her little dog stayed with me and visited her often and then was re-united when mother came to live with us. It was a nice trade off.
Do not worry about the animal when your mother is unable to care for it any longer.The shelter will simply help to re-adopt it out and/or you or one of your family may take it in for the few years it will have to live. Dogs and cats really do re-adjust to a new owner, just like us it takes them a while, but living in a loving home is what they need.
Now, what happens if the senior is unable to do all the running around that is required for a dog. Well, this is when an older cat walks in the door and takes over your seniors heart! Even if your senior has not been a cat person, this is the time to get a cat in the house and find out how enjoyable they can be for seniors. First, you do the same thing as you did with the dog adoption. You call or visit your local shelter and tell them what is needed, tell them about your family member and what their restrictions are and they can find a cat that will adapt to those restrictions.
Make up your mind that the cat will be an indoor cat, that’s older - those are the ones that have trouble with adoption. So the match is so much sweeter when the senior knows they have saved a pet, not just gained a pal. Hopefully the shelter has a senior program for reduced or free placement of cats and you can go online and look up cats just as easy as you can dogs. I like the Short haired American cats that do not have that long hair, so the house does not need to be cleaned so often. The shelter will tell you if a male or female is best for the senior and then take them home.
Make sure you have a good cat box. You can get cat boxes that clean on thier own, or you can buy “scoop” cat litter that has ordor reducers in the mix. Since the senior may not be able to clean the litter, you will have to have it set up to be cleaned every two or three days when you or another family member comes to visit. Put up a reminder in the kitchen to all visitors, asking them to please clean the litter box if they are visiting. Most folks find this just a task to do, so do not worry about handing it over to a visitor. Or, a younger person in the neighborhood would gladly do the cleaning for $5 a week. It is up to you how to handle it. But this is really the only issue that has to be discussed because unlike dogs – cat take care of their own needs.
The food is easy. You buy dry food designed for the indoor cat. You will find that it is wise to buy a container for the food at the get-go. In the pet stores you will find a tall plastic container on wheels with a good lid and you can pour the food into the container and the lid snaps down. This way if the container has to be on a porch you are not alerting rodents or others to eat the cat food out of the bag and the senior does not have to lift the big bag to fill the dish. They just scoop the food out of the rolling container into a container that is large enough to hold a few days of dry food and will fit into the cupboard. The feeding time is easy to do.
I like to buy the smaller cat food cans and give my cats 1/2 a can of food with some warm water every other day. This will keep the cat drinking plenty of water and that’s what they are to do if they are in doors all the time. Water does need to be fresh each day, but the senior can keep the water and the dry food dish up on a counter that is not used by food preparation. That way it’s easy for the senior to keep the water and food filled.
No other food can be given to a cat, no people food is allowed and the cat will adjust their own eating pattern to what their body needs.
A good bed is required and I always have a couple of those. Every room needs a place for a cat to sleep. You can find sheepskin type fabric at the pet store. It comes in a large roll. You just cut it in half and put the fabric on the back of the couch by a window or on a foot stool and the cat will find their way to curl up and enjoy it.
I like to get cats that live alone toys. Little balls and small mice like toys filled with catnip will keep them busy and the senior will enjoy their chasing the toys around the room. There are long feathered toys that he senior keeps by their chair and flips at the cat for the all important chase time.
The scratching post is a must. I would suggest the larger posts if you can afford it. If not, you’ll find a corrugated paper one that can be placed on the floor and sprinkled with catnip. I use catnip on my scratching post, all the time, to entice the cat to use the post, not my furniture and to play.
Furniture does not have to be ruined. Cats can be trained. I roll up a newspaper and when a cat starts to claw the furniture I hiss out loud and hit the newspaper roll on my chair arm. The noise will ward off the cat and the behavior is soon out of their routine. But you do need a place to scratch so do not forget those posts. Deterring sprays can be purchased too. But in all my years of cats and dogs, my furniture has never been a target, I simply stay on the cat until they understand that is not a good idea. A spray bottle of water can be used if the senior can not move around easily.
Cats will take about two weeks to settle into a pattern. You will never have to worry, if you just talk to them in a calm tone, and look at them when you are talking they will soon understand the kindness and respond. They will be on your lap or close to you…or they will just come and visit you when they want petting. Either way, it will adjust to the senior and the cats needs, I have never seen it fail.
A presence in a home of a pet is so important. A senior has had a life full of children, spouse, family, friends, work friends and neighbors. As they age the house becomes quieter and people pass in and out of their lives. Loneliness is a huge reason for unwanted illness and depression. Just to have a companion makes such a difference.
I have my cat sitting in front of my computer screen bathing herself as I write, so I know the quiet sweetness they give to people.
Remember, even though the senior may feel like they are too old to have another pet. No one is too old for love, too old for a cat to curl up on their lap or a dog to give them a hug. This is how a senior stays attached to life, they need interaction. Pets will help with that and finding one that is just right for your senior is a task I would hand over to the professionals at the pet adoption center. Maybe it will be a bird or a tank of fish – the senior can find things to care for and interact with that will add to their quality of life.
Thank you for lifting the care of your mother to a place that has more than three meals and a safe home, but a home filled with love. Please visit my web site www.seniorcarewithspirit.comand get more information on topics and remember that if you need to find a special home that will provide a more assisted living contact me. I have a FREE service that places seniors in care facilities of all kinds depending on the seniors needs. I take the worry and work out of a difficult decision.
Thank you, francy
Develop Your Psychic Abilities for Senior Caregiving
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parent’s home is so quiet when I visit. They have the TV on mute and just watch the screen, they rarely talk and visiting them is really kind of creepy. I think there’s something wrong but I cannot put my finger on it. Any suggestions.
Yes, you are doing a great job with your assisted living care. This is the type of thing we all need to do. Be alert to changes and even if the changes are not alarming, they signal different things.
I called our neurologist this morning and left him a message on a change in my husband’s behavior with Alzheimer’s. I want the doctor to know, so he can up his meds or make a change. The change in my husband, is light, but it caught my attention so I am reporting it. My husband is replacing his words, that means he is not remembering some of his speaking vocabulary. He is also saying “I’m sorry” all the time. That means that he’s upset at his behavior and that could be a depression issue. I just report these things and the doctor then takes the steps to change medication if he feels it’s important enough.
So, you found the house too quiet. This is really a normal thing with those that are hard of hearing. They do not like to wear their hearing aids at home. ( I know it does not make sense but they all do this behavior) They say all the noise is just too distracting for them. It’s like not wearing their glasses and then they stop reading.
I understand the TV on mute with the words running across the bottom of the screen. But I would ask them to have it on low, having background noise is what keeps our brains working well. Not hearing words will change their speaking pattern so get them to go a head and have the noise in the background.
Make sure you call each day once or twice and talk to both of your parents. Many times the woman talks and man starts to get quiet. Then make sure they have at least a once a week outing to be around others. The senior center will have something that will catch their interest, or their faith center. They do not have to go to church on Sunday and be around all those people, but they can go to church during the week to a class of 20 or less, or a functions like a dinner and just enjoy the event. Take them out shopping or out to a dinner (even if its at a burger joint) get them out of the house and chatting with you.
Another good thing is to have a local young person come in to do chores. You could have kids to do the lawn or light weeding and have your dad be in charge of watching over him. You could have a young teen girl clean the kitchen or bathrooms only and your mom would supervise. Remember to choose those young workers with care, you do not want to have your parent’s things taken or a friend of theirs come to the house to rob them. Always talk to the parents first and find out if they have done chores before and if the parents will oversee their time with your parents.
If there is no one to interact with, you will find seniors pulling away from life and finding comfort in their own silence. Your job is to think of a few ways to shake the comfort up and return your parents to a more mentally and emotionally active life. Visits to the local library is great too, even if they just read the magazines, it will give them a nice outing to think and talk over
Ask them to take a walk together everyday. That may be hard for one or the other, but together they can walk around their neighborhood, over to the mail or around the block. You simply ask each of them privately and tell them the other spouse needs the outing and exercise. They may not do it for their own good, but they will do it for their loved ones good.
If they can do it, add a pet to the home, or have your children come over when you visit to add spice to the mix. Even if they complain the kids are too loud, don’t take notice. Life is too loud, they have to get back in it to remember how busy and loud the real world is for us all.
There are also charities that need help. If your mother does sewing or handiwork of any kind there are charities that need throws and quilts. If she likes to bake - your local Ronald McDonald House (family housing for hospital support) or Fisher House (military family quarters) would love home baked cookies. So would the firemen at the local firehouse. If your dad does chores, ask him to go over and get him hooked into a charity that needs their door’s oiled and the faucet drip fixed. Or if he likes to play chess, cards or pool, the local veterans’ home will enjoy his visiting energy for those that can not leave their rooms. Charity and community service is to be done all of our lives, not stop at retirement.
Just keeping your ear and eyes open. Listening to your heart and knowing when there’s a change. Then respond with a thought of what that change is and how you could use your creativity to make the change for the good not the bad. One step back can be turned around to two steps forward if you trust your inner voice and act on your “psychic” or “intuition” of how to give care to your parents.
Good job on your part and I hope you will visit my website and read about the many tips and ideas I have there. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com Remember if your parents need more assisted living needs and have to move out of their home, call me. I have a FREE Senior Placement Service that will help you find just the right match for your seniors needs.
Thank you , francy
How To Take a Break from Senior Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I am simply too tired to face my dad this morning. I am sitting and doing computer stuff trying to ignore the morning things I have to do for him. I feel so down-
Ok, down is just what you need to feel. I remember starting to hate the sound of the door bell - that mother used to call me when she needed me downstairs. It’s a very, very normal way to feel. You give and give and one day, you feel like you have nothing left to give.
Think of ways to break the cycle. How about a week off? Did you know that you can take your elder care parent and put them in a care center for a week of care? Yes, this is just a great service and it needs your time to make a few calls and find a place close by. The money will come from him, some times the insurance or veteran’s plan pays – other times your dad will have to pay through his income. It is just a week and they have special rates.
They will take your dad and give him care all week, he will get out and around others and have a different view of the world. You will take a break and just sleep in, or go away to visit a friend or family member. You can even borrow a weekend beach cabin of a friend.
You can tell everyone you are away and just be quiet and sleep. Or you can go out with friends and reconnect. You can rent movies and do Yoga, or you can go out to eat and shop. A break is a break.
If you are working, you can just go home and be quiet at night instead of all the extra work. If you have children, you can make sure they are busy all that week with visits to friend’s houses or watching movies. If you have a spouse you can go out and spend some time together. What ever you want, you do so you can feel like you went on a cruise, not that you worked around the house or garden to get caught up. That is not on the plans for the week, you need change for your own good, not more work.
If you cannot do the care week with your dad, you can call a relative and ask them to come and visit and give you a break. If I get snowed under with things, I call my husband’s sister to come and visit and she has been very kind about coming up from Oregon and giving him some attention away from me. George has a few friends that come over to visit him and that removes me from the care for a few hours too.
Do not be afraid to ask for help! Everyone understands your tied down with the extra care of a parent that needs lots of attention. But do they need lots of attention? My husband will do what I call, take to his bed. He simply sleeps all day and then I have to make sure he has food and medications. I let him do this for a day, but then I push him to get up and do a chore for me (even though the chores are often not done, it is a reason to get up) and I have him sit in the living room. I ask him to make my tea or make me a peanut butter sandwich. He does and he stays busy and I can get my writing done. Some times you need to be creative with things for the senior to do. Even if they do not cook, making peanut butter sandwiches, or microwave leftovers or set the table or mow the lawn…can give them a feeling of being needed that will increase their Independence from you.
Men tend to push our buttons and need more care than women. So, do not fall for the I can not move, I need a treat moan. Tell them there are brownies on the top of the stove ready for him to cut and you would appreciate one with a glass of milk. Then you have to walk away. He will think it over and soon the lure of brownies will draw him into the kitchen and he will make an effort to care for you.
After all, you’re still his little girl. Don’t forget to act like one every once in a while, so you can keep him active and moving and doing things that help the family as a whole.
Thank you for all you do for your dad – I hope you can think up ideas for vacations of the mind as well as the body. For a day off here, a few hours there and a week of respite for you both. Please visit my website and review more tips for care www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Remember if you need to place your father in a care center I have a free service that will help you find just the right place for him. You can find the information on the website.
Thank you, francy
Senior is Ready for a Move, Yeah!
Dear Francy; Mother just told me she was ready to sell the house and move. She is on such a budget that she wants out. I live out of town and she wants me to do the house move. Now what?
OK, a couple of things to note. Do not say, no…just tell her you need to budget your time. You will give her every other weekend for the next two months and then the house will go up for sale. She has to get her name on a listing for a new home and tell them she will actually be ready to move in 90 days. Yes, the house may not be sold, but she will be tucked in her new place and on her way to her new life. Make the time frame larger if you like, but set a time frame.
Keep these ideas on your list:
* Have her pick out about six pieces of art work for the walls of her new place and the rest goes to he sorting piles. Have her pick out one box of books that she loves, the rest goes to the sorting pile. Have her decide if she really wants to do the hobby she always wanted, has she done anything on the hobby since she retired? If not…off it goes to the sorting pile.
TV-Antenna Change Over For Seniors
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I can not believe I have to pay so much for the box to get the new signals. No coupons are available and my mother is just glued to her game shows! I was thinking of going cable – got ideas?
There are so many ads for cable and Satellite to take care of the new TV signal problem. But really think it over, if your parents are in a place that they can adjust to more channels great. The problem is, they are probably in a rut and they love being there. They have their local shows that they watch in the morning, the talk shows, the news, the game shoes, a late afternoon re-run and then evening news. A special show each evening and the TV gets turned off and they start all over again the next day. The box maybe $40+ but it’s a one time fee.
Cable and Satellite are a monthly fee and your parents may not even watch the huge array of channels that are broadcast. So, talk it over with them, if they like life as it is - keep it simple - go for the converter box.
Now, if they love special movies, history, food channels, or the guys love the military and history channel and etc…then that’s another color all together. Then you know that a simple package with the local cable may be just the ticket to give them even more pleasure during the day.
Ask the cable company if they have special senior packages? If they are offering a year of reduced rates, ask them what they will be the second year? If they are $15 or so a month and then the fees and rental box that would be about $25 per month for the first year. The second year they could jump to $50 and your parents will be so into their new shows they will not want to give it up. So watch that budget!
My mother wanted her local baseball team and that was on cable only, then she loved the food channel and the old cowboy movies. Strange as it may seem, she just loved them. So, I was pleased to do the extended service for her. It was easy for us, I just added another DishTV Box to my billing and that was that.
By the way, if your parents are using a small TV, go shopping in the second hand shops. Since so many people are getting flat screens these days, they have the larger, older model TV’s for just a few dollars at many of the thrift shops. They work great and many are just a year or two old at below $50 a set. It will be just as nice for your folks to have a bigger screen for hardly any investment.
Also, remember if they have a big collection of video movies, keep that video recorder for them. It’s not the time to update them if they love their movie collection!
By the way, perfect gifts often come from the PBS channel in your area. They have terrific DVD’s of programs of all kinds - you can find them on their website. The thrift shop has loads of videos for sale at just a dollar or so a piece. So, shop around and see what would make them happy. Don’t forget to include the local library in your search for video and DVD’s for your parents viewing. They have a terrific collection, you just need to get the items back on time!
Thanks for being so kind over your mother’s viewing and keeping her happy and in the loop. Lots of seniors have still not figured out the airways are going to change in June and they will be so disappointed when it happens. Please do go to my website and visit all the information for giving care at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Tips for Senior’s Care Facility Room
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy: The care center has a room for mother that is very small. She will be there long term, now. What should I be taking?
Keep it very simple but very representative of her personality. Just because she’s in a smaller room, does not mean she has changed who she’s been for years.
- Ask the center what can be done with the walls. You will find all sorts of products to hang things now, without leaving a foot print when you want to leave the room. Go to the hardware store and find out what is available and how much weight it holds.
- Make sure each item is carefully picked for memory, family or friend importance and function.
- Just because each room has a bed and chair, does not mean you need to keep that chair in the room. You can add a chair that she has used for TV viewing at home. But, make sure the chair she uses has all the function that is needed. Easy to clean, easy to get in & out of, easy to move around. Do not take up the room area with a big chair. Remember one of her dinning room chairs can be tucked into the room for a visitor.
- Her clothes go into plastic bins. You or a family member keep the clothes bins ready for her. Here is what you do. You sort out underwear, socks, comfort day clothes and sleeping clothes. You make 2-4 plastic bins of these items. You take the first bin to the care center and then hold the others. Every month or two you switch the bins. So she gets a variety of her clothes on a minimum amount of space in her small room closet. You can do a special soak in Oxy Clean to really get her under things clean from the facility. Remove any clothes too stained to use again and re-pack the bin. This way she is in a flow of all of her clothes not just a few items.
- No jewelry of value can go to the care center with her. It will go missing. So, this is the time for her to put notes on her special jewelry and give it away or give it to you to hold until grand children are old enough to enjoy it. She will have her wedding ring on and that should be noted on the inventory for the care facility and a picture taken of it for insurance. But this is also the time for a few fun pieces of jewelry to be put into a zip lock, so if she has friends in, she can put on a big fake ring, or a necklace just for ”girl” fun.
- A small plastic 3-drawer unit that sits on top of the counter can be used by her sink. One drawer will have her tooth paste, floss, neosporin cream, eye drops and aspirin cream. The second drawer will have her lipstick, blush, face powder, tweezers, hearing aid case and extra batteries. Third drawer will have deodorant, talcum powder, small spray fragrance (simple like vanilla) All of this in a small space right by her sink. The drawer by the sink can now be free to hold her hair brush, her false teeth cleaning container and larger items. I like to always use Sonicare tooth brush and keep it plugged-in in a safe place.
- Above her bed is where all the action takes place. Have a white board for you to write messages to staff or visitors. Dietary notes, sleeping pill reminders, 20 minute visits please notes. etc.
- The space that she sees from her bed, directly across from the bed is the space for her bulletin board. Go to the box store and buy a cork board and then you use that to cover with material and ribbons in a crisscross pattern. That way you can put up pictures of the family, or from the grandchildren etc. Now remember to write names on the pictures so the staff can easily say to her. ”Oh, I see this is your husband Dick and that you were married for 48 years! He’s very handsome.” That is the response you want from the staff or visitors.
- Put a large print out of your name and phone number on the phone itself and add #9 or what ever has to be dialed to call out. Tape it to the phone, so she does not have to remember all the numbers. No cell phones can be used at the care facility, they go missing.
- Buy a basket with a handle and put all the things in it she needs on a daily basis. Her lip balm, her nail file, her eyeglass cleaner, her throat lozenges, small hand cleaner, hand lotion, mirror, eye shades, memo pad with pen, small scissors and little pocket calendar. This will be on her small bedside table and can be grabbed by staff and put out of the way in an emergency. Clean it out and re-stock it on each of your visits. Make sure she can reach it and lift it.
- Her eating tray-table drawer will have her eye glasses, her small radio/mp3 player and headphones and small Kleenex.
- If she is into art, bring one piece to hang in the room, if she loves figurines, bring a small shelf to hang and few little things that have little value - to display.
- Large print books and magazines, an easy to use remote control for the TV all make it easier for her to pass the time. Print out a small one page, large print page of 10 most used phone numbers and names and have it laminated with her name on the top.
Too many tips to put in one post…so go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and see more information. If you or anyone you know needs to place a loved one in a care center. Please
visit my site and contact me. I have a FREE Senior Care Placement Service. I started this so everyone can find good care with kindness for their family and friends.
Thank you, francy
New Care-Giving 101 Workbook by Dear Francy
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I just got your new updated Care-Giving 101 Workbook. I downloaded and printed it out and it’s been such a help. Thank you so much. It’s like you reached in my mind and came up with all my own Q& A’s – Great ideas on care and thanks for all of your Dear Francy Tips -
Thank you! I’m excited, I just felt I had to update the first printing with all of the information that has come from our Dear Francy questions.
I wrote the Workbook so any one giving care could go through the sections and find information that would hit their own hot buttons.
I use my own experiences with years of giving care to different people and places and found it fun to share stories with all of you. You will see pictures of family and friends as well as care ideas and workbook questions for you to review.
I have a large section on Alzheimer’s Care Tips and a good section on how to care for the care-giver. Boy is that important. Keeping the care giver strong and well so the senior can receive top notch care is vital!
I know you’ll find a lot of answers to your questions on care. If you are just starting or have been caring for a parent, family member, friend or spouse you will find information that will walk you through the bumps that can pop up.
Please go to my website and click on the Products Page and you’ll find the information on the New Care-Giving 101 Workbook. www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
I have done the workbook in a bound spiral workbook you can order by mail. Or if you want it right away you can order the E-Book version in PDF format. You will receive that through your email. All you have to do is decide on the format and then click the Paypal links and it’ll be out to you in no time.
Thanks for all of the nice words so many of you have sent to me…I am excited to have something new to offer all of you. I know you will find it helpful.
Blessings, francy
Say NO to MRSA and the ER!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My Dad is 78 with no major health challenge and yet he was in the ER three times in the last two months. Should I be worried?
YES – ER rooms and hospitals in general are ripe with bacteria and all other infections like staph and MRSA…everyone is exposed. If you walk in the door with a low immune system, infections out of range or exhaustion, you are open to all the bugs that float around the high care area. The goal of a care giver is to lessen the reason to go to the ER or hospital. If your dad is living alone, it’s time to go over to his place and have a talk with him about his health and his home. If he’s with you or in a care center then prevention is the key. You do not want to turn small symptoms into large problems. You have to learn how to put on your care giver antenna and be on a constant look out for small early clues to health problems.
One of our dear, male friends, in his mid fifties - ignored a skin condition and tried to self treat it without a doctor’s visit. It got infected, he then had to go to the ER and was exposed to MRSA. This is what we all have to avoid.
My mother was home from a four day stay in the hospital over a blocked bowel and I was worried about her home care. I asked the doctor for an in-home nurse to help me. You’re allowed the service from Medicare plans. The nurse that came to help us was simply the best. She had been an in-home nurse for years caring for seniors and knew all the tricks of her trade. The amazing thing was she was open to sharing information on care with me. Her twice weekly visits during that month, helped me in giving care to mother for years.
Her secret ? Stay away from the ER at all costs. Yes, major health issues have to be addressed and the ER is there for emergency. But it is not there for back up to ignoring symptoms and not visiting doctors. What she wanted was for me to keep mother on a calm line of care and not experience her health as up and downs – just center line calm.
Some ideas to toss around in your care of anyone, including yourself;
- Nasty as it seems to many new caregivers – older folks have problems with their bowels. So, instead of fighting those problems you learn to deal with them instead. Many side effects of medications like antibiotics can cause constipation or diarrhea. The tip is to discuss a stool softener with your senior’s doctor. This is taken each day to simply soften the stool to make it pass easier. The doctor will suggest the proper amount to be given and this is an over the counter pill that is inexpensive but very helpful. On the other side; the slightest sign of loose stool should be combated with Imodium (Loperamide) pills, designed to stop diarrhea. This has to be done soon so the senior does not get worn down and sick over the condition.
- The best thing to do is what I did – just talk it out. I sat down with mother and said; “Mom I know that your bowels are your business, but I have to know how you feel each day in order to help you keep on a even keel. So, everyday I’m going to ask you if you had a movement and if it was unusual in any way.” We just talked over how important keeping this function was to keeping her out of the hospital and she was willing to work with me. I always moved the conversation with her health into a team concept. Together we can figure this out and fix it. Both of us talked about this team issue and it worked for us.
- Many remember care of young children that repeatedly had ear infections or asthma attacks in the middle of the night. A frightening thing for any parent. Learning from those long nights of waiting in the ER parents soon found ways to avoid it. They would adjust their child’s food intake, add good rest time, immune system boosts and general preventative care . Soon, with those combinations and the doctor’s care ideas the ER room visits went down to a minimum or stopped. Senior care is very similar.
- Boost the immune system. Add a nutritional drink each day for anyone with a high stress situation or advanced years and health issues that might bring down the ability to fight small infections off.
- NOTE: Let the family know that visiting grand parents means everyone is feeling well and not bring germs into their home or room area. I put up a reminder sign on mother’s door, ” If you feel like you have a cold coming on – do not enter!”
- Do online research for extra Vitamin C – E and supplements like the wonderful Emergen-C drinks. Remember to give it to them in the morning so they do not disrupt their night-time sleep.
- Add 100% real- squeezed fruit drinks (individual size) that you can find in the refrigerator section of the market or health food store. Orange juice with pulp (not from concentrate) squeezed fresh – apple juice, carrot juice with celery and some of the anti oxidant drinks like blueberry etc. Buy them and serve them every other day to help build up the senior’s system so they’re able to fight off the bugs.
- Rest is not just naps while watching TV. I had mother start to take formal naps in the afternoon. After about a year of her telling me she never took naps – and yet each time I went into her room she was asleep in her chair. I put my foot down and told her a one hour nap in bed where she could really rest her body - was on the list. She adjusted so well to this she looked forward to her afternoon nap. She was then able to enjoy the rest of her evening and still get a good night’s sleep.
- Consistent food. If your dad is living on his own…is he really eating? They say they are, but are they? Does he still cook, if so what does he cook? Check out his refrigerator for left overs. Do you need to have a meals on wheels type of program in place? If he’s with you or in a care center, is he eating protein or just toast and desserts? Find out and adjust his intake of food to good food that keeps him strong. High in protein and veggies and low in fat and sugar.
- Is he keeping clean? Have you cleaned his home and gotten those germs off the counters and faucet in the kitchen and the bathroom? Is his area around his favorite TV chair clean and not harboring old food stuffs? Get it vacuumed & change the vacuum bag so you are dealing with clean all the way around. Use those pop-up bleach clothes to go over the surfaces that he touches each day.
- Give him hand sanitizer for his chair side table and remind him to use it. Yes, he will hate your pushy behavior…get over it. You’re a team and often one team member has to push the other to make the right actions to keep them well.
- If his resistance to casual flu and colds is really down – ask about how to boost his immune system on his next doctor’s visit. If you do not normally go with him to the doctor, now is the time to start. Tell the doctor you’re concerned and you would appreciate knowing more about flu shots, shingle and pneumonia preventative shots. Take the doctor’s input and then read about it on the net and then you can make an informed decision on which way to go with this. He may have other health issues that are causing the sag in his immune system and the doctor can do tests to make sure the senior’s system is not fighting against him.
- Shingles is a nasty way to find out you are under too much stress and your immune system is out of whack. The age for this condition is getting younger and younger…and no one wants the pain of shingles. Look it up on the net and find out what to look for in symptoms. That way if your father says he has a rash, you need to get on it right away and get him into the doctor. Let your dad know what to look for, so he can be prepared if anything appears different on his body.
- The in-home nurse shared with me weakness in seniors means they develop bad bathroom habits and that can lead to urinary infections. I know, this is another unpleasant thought – but this is reality for all of us as we age. So, remember, if the senior starts to display strange behavior or says things that seem out of character for the senior – take note. This infection often comes on without pain and is not noticed until the infection fills the system and the senior has to be hospitalized. Read about it on the net and understand what to look for so a doctor’s visit can be scheduled instead of a trip to the ER.
I know, there is so much to go over. I have written a good Care-Giving Workbook 101 to address lots of other care issues. You can find it on the Products page of my website. It’s available in spiral workbook style to mail to you or E-book PDF format emailed to you so you can read and print it on your own. I know you’ll find lots of tips in the material I’ve gathered. Please visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on Products.
Thanks for all you are doing for your dad- francy
Spend Your Saint Patrick’s Day with Seniors
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My next door neighbor is in an adult care home and I’m thinking of him. He celebrates his Irish heritage very strongly and I miss his house draped in green lights for St Paddy’s Day. Should I go and visit him when he’s in the last stages of cancer and I’m not a family member?
YES! Go, you will find him so happy to see you - especially when you walk in the door with something fun for St Patrick’s day. My uncle was an Irish nut and celebrated his heritage all year long, but right around the day of green, I would bring him something special in the care center. Never feel like you can not visit a senior. Visiting is for friends and family and very rarely do they close down the room to just a couple of family members.
- Adult Care Homes are really just like a family home. But the rooms are taken up with people that can no longer live on their own or do not want or need the feeling of a large care facility. He will have his own room so just go over and ask to see him. They may limit your stay to 15 or 20 minutes and I think that’s a reasonable time frame for all visits to seniors in care.
- I would look through your pictures and find one with you and he or take a new one of your family, the animals that he knows, you might even go and have everyone sit on his old home’s front steps. Something fun, something easy…it will give him a smile.
- There are door decorations and everything green you can imagine at the Dollar stores right now. But my favorite is the little dolls that play the music and dance. I got one for my Uncle and he put it in his walker and took it out to the dinning area to show the rest of the guys!
- There are foods that you can bring, cookies that have green icing and green health drinks! Just be who you are and go and visit and talk about your life. Do not talk about his cancer or passing unless he brings up the subject. What he wants is an escape from his normal daily routine and you are the perfect escape for him.
- If you are a guy…you can call the Adult Care Home ahead of time and ask if you could bring an O’douls beer to drink with your male senior friend. They have a very small alcohol base and it would be fun to buy a couple green glasses at the Dollar store and do a toast to Ireland.
- If you have some money in your pocket a wonderful gift is the “Over Ireland” DVD, or video that you can buy from PBS, you may be able to check it out of a library or find it cheaper - used on eBay. This is a fabulous fly over of Ireland and he would be thrilled to watch it often. Most Adult Care Homes have a main TV room with DVD and movie night, so the players will be available for your use.
- The next thing is the music. There are loads of CD and cassettes that have Irish music and that would be a fun way to leave him smiling.
- If your senior is in a larger facility then just make sure you call about the video/DVD player and the music player, you may have to pick up a cheap CD player and leave it for his use. Remember any time you do that, look at the thrift shops they often have older players available and the headphones are at the Dollar store.
- If it’s a lady, senior, you’re visiting they would love a shamrock plant. (I have one in my kitchen window all year long and we call the plant itself Uncle Bill, in honor of my uncle that was so proud to have been Irish.)
- There are loads of green throws that would also do as a nice little gift, they make so many in fleece these days that are inexpensive and would brighten their days.
Most of all…it is just the fact that you tell him – I miss your green lights…so he knows that he has made memories of his life as he faces his own passing. It is a good thing to do for people.
A friend of my husband who used to work for him, called him the other day. She had heard he had dementia and she wanted to tell him she cared. She had been in the travel business with him and had stayed in long after we had left the field. She was facing the end of her travel career in the next few months and she was thinking of my Georgie. She called and was very kind to remind him that he had taught her all she knew about travel and it had given her thirty plus years of income, travel, friends and a wonderful career. She wanted him to know she appreciated all the things he did for her. That was very kind of her, she is a kind person, but she may not realize how much my husband needed those words. He is facing so many challenges with his Alzheimer’s and feels he’s getting so dumb and forgetful. – We all are trying to remind him of the many good things he accomplished in his life. So if your senior had dementia, remind them of good things in the past that is what they will remember – the past.
I appreciate your kindness towards your neigbhor and how happy he will be to see your smile. Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and enjoy the rest of the information I have there for care givers. I would appreciate you remembering if you or a friend of yours has a senior that is in need of a placement into a residency or care facility- please think of me. I try very hard to review the seniors needs and find a place that’s a good fit.
Thank you and happy St Patty’s Day – f
Supplements are Duct Tape for Seniors in Care
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My mother is getting so weak that she does not even want to sit out with us and have dinner at the table. Should I push her to interact socially or should I just let her rest in her room and deliver the food?
BOTH – there will be days that seniors are weakened from a doctor’s visit or a cold and they should just take it easy. Your line in the sand is that your mother is there to live with the family, not get total careby the family. So she has to participate in the daily events of the home just like all the rest of you. But what the key is to your message “getting so weak” that is not a good sign. So, that takes you to make a change.
Weakness comes from inaction as well as health problems. Let’s review some ideas to get her up and out of her room again.
- Exercise is a must for anyone, especially an aging senior with health challenges. You’ll have to take over this routine for a while. I like to start with the “Sit and be Fit” TV show on your local PBS station, or you can get the video/DVD’s from the library, too. They are very simple exercises that you do from a chair. Tell your mom she is required to do the exercises if she wants to continue in your home. You are unable to move her around and so her mobility is a must. Do the first couple of days with her and she will be off and running. You may have to get the show on the TV but she will take it from there.
- Get her to walk the hall and around the house each time she goes to the bathroom. No walking across the hall and her thinking she has exercised. They do this at the care center, too. Go to the bathroom, drink a small glass of water and take a walk…over and over again. Then her legs and arms start to work again.
- Breathing too heavy. Then tell the doctor on the next visit and tell him she is low in energy and seems out of breath. He will put her on a breathing machine to exercise her lungs and give her some meds to make her breathing richer. Or, he will check for her oxygen level and see if she needs to use it a couple times a day. Breathing is a big deal. If doctor says her breathing needs some work, then go to the library again and get a meditation and breathing tape and have the research librarian help you. This will teach your mother to do a series of deep breathing exercises to re-oxygenate her brain and keep her calm at the same time.
- Weakness can also be in her diet. If she’s eating less she gets less minerals and supplements. Many seniors now take Vit D as a supplement along with a good female, senior supplement. Do a little research on the net and see what’s happening there. Google in “weakness in seniors” and see what comes up. Now the rule; when you work with the Internet you read and read and then buy at your local health food store or box store, not on the Internet. You do not want to fall for web based ads for over-night cures. Supplements are made by lots of companies and the major stores know which company is good to buy from - not the web. But the information you gain from study on the web is really valuable. Lots of seniors are being held together with their supplements just like duct tape. They make a huge difference in their overall health, energy and ability to fight off those nasty bugs.
- Taking a supplement drink. There are a few different ones out there like Boost that are in flavors. Try a few and get one she likes. The yogurt ads that tout intestinal care, should be ignored. Our nurse told us any yogurt helps your body and should be a good afternoon snack - especially when taking pills. But the fancy yogurts and yogurt shakes are very expensive and do very little for the money invested. Same goes with the newer vitamin and supplement juice drinks. They rarely have all the daily needs for the senior and they are expensive and often filled with sugar. Once again, a trip to your local health food store and use the knowledge of those that read and study nutritional supplements.
- Emotional problems can weaken anyone. Take note that feeling down and feeling weak are similar. So, make sure you keep a running conversation with your senior to find out of things are bothering them. Maybe the kids are making them tired and they do not want to mention it. You can adjust that, you can have times that are just you and the senior, without the kids. Or the kids can be on a once a day visit grandma’s room, not an open door policy.
- Remember in general, if there’s activity problems with the chemistry in the brain, depression or anxiousness can be a side effect. The doctor has so many meds to help these conditions that you need only to explain the situation and they will help you with an Rx that fits the bill. Mother had a depression and anger issue, I told the doctor and he gave her a med that worked like a charm. It did not make her tired or weird, just calmed her down and allowed her normal personality to come out again.
- Out of the house. Lots of seniors start to get house bound. Some times it’s too much to take them out, some times they are too tired to go out. So, you have to do a once a week we are out of hereroutine. If its just picking up the kids at school. How about if they sit in the car while you shop and then join you for lunch at a small cafe. Maybe it is one of those run to the bank, get gas, run to the cleaners, run to the post office days – seniors can sit and enjoy your energy and feel the sunshine on their face and the cold in their bones. Life needs to stay real, not get so protected that they start to retreat. The reward is a small fry at McDonalds or a dipped cone at Dairy Queen…the little fun times will enhance their life and become part of what they discuss at the dinner table.
- Laugh…seniors need to feel. They need belly laughs and sad times, they need to hear the news on TV and feel the late night comedy routines. They need to watch the grandkids play and watch the ducks in the pound, they need to be a part of life.
Care givers have to be creative. They do not have to be nurses, those care chores will be needed and learned along the way. But the creativity to handle the everyday bumps - that’s something that will make all the difference in a care situation. Good mother’s know the importance of re-directing energy in young children and good care givers do the same thing with their seniors. There is no perfection expected, just love and kindness.
Thanks to you and your family for opening your home up to your mother. Please go to my website and enjoy more care tips www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and take a look at our new radio talk show about senior issues.
Thanks, francy
Mom, Wife, Daughter, Friend Burn Out!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; I have a teen with CP and a husband with early Alzheimer’s. I wish I could say that I’m giving them all I have, but lately, I’m angry at the way my life is today and I cannot get out of this hole.
Good because trying to be a goodie two shoes in the middle of chaos is pointless. Being tired is one thing, being pulled in fifteen directions at once is another. There are days when you think that going to the bathroom is selfish and days when trying to get out of bed is almost impossible. If you are exhausted, you have to face it and get help, if you have even mild depression that has carried on for more than a couple of weeks, you need help. Let’s talk about some tips for you, the care giver.
- Depression does not mean you have to be all teary eyed and thinking down, down, down. It can mean you are anxious, get upset easily, are disorganized, feel inadequate, short tempered, use your nasty voice too many times a day, get headaches or muscle aches, or need a nap, just to carry on a conversation. Maybe you have not talked to a friend in weeks, dress down on a daily basis, do not do your hair or lipstick or nails. Do you get the picture, are you in there somewhere?
- Before you go to the doctor, write down some of your feelings so you’re able to verbalize at the appointment. Let the doctor know how you are feeling - overwhelmed and need a little help of something light that can give you a lift from stress. This is what he does, he will come up with a med for you to try. I say try, because if it does not work, go back and get another one, there are lots of options. Work with your doctor to find the right one. Also ask him to make it a generic so it is not to expensive for you to take.
- If you need no meds then just make sure you are not doing the old - glass of wine with dinner and one before bed routine. Or the slight use of weed here or there. That is called self-medication and you have to know that it is NOT OK to do to yourself when you are under so much pressure. Go to the doctor and get some meds if you’re in need of relief and stay away from any drinking or drugs that are not prescribed. You need to be well for your own body and your family.
- If you need rest desperatly that means a minimum of two days of doing nothing. It will take at least that long for your body to rest and get your mind back into a state of quiet. So, you have to schedule someone to come into your home and be there for the family, or go to a friend or family member for a long weekend and ask for a room alone to sleep. I know that many times these actions alone seem too much, but you have to force yourself to be well. You need to be the center of strength in order for the wheel to work. So, take time to plan your rest time in the next week and get it done. Then we will go from there.
- Resting is hard to do. The rule is five full hours of sleep heals and regenerates your body and mind. If you get less, you need to nap during the day or evening. If you can not sleep, you can talk to the doctor and get pills to make that happen. But you can not take pills if you need to be on the alert of your husband doing odd things at night. To relieve that worry, get door alarms for the house, they can be very inexpensive and you put them on the top of the door and set them at night and they buzz if he opens your bedroom door or the outside doors. Then you can relax and know you will be alerted and you explain it to your family so they understand to respond to that noise not just ignore it.
- If you work. Then come home from work and start dinner and then while it is cooking you take a nap. You set your alarm for 20-30 minutes and you go into your room and nap and the alarm should be by your side. Now this means you use the slow cooker or the microwave or oven. You can not leave food cooking on top of the stove. But this is a great way to refresh. You may feel groggy after the nap, but that fades fast and you get a resurgence in energy for the rest of your night.
- Before you go to bed each night do a house check and pick up. If your kids are older, they do the same thing. Check the door locks and set the door alarms. Pick up the kitchen and living room area and turn off all the lights. That way when you’re ready for sleep you have a cleaned home around you to rest your mind.
- Twice a week is laundry time. You do wash for you and your husband at the beginning of the week and the family and kitchen at the end of the week. The kids do the folding for their laundry and I would have them do it in the kitchen after dinner. They take turns folding for all of the family laundry and then they distribute it. You then only have your wash to fold and it makes a difference when you share chores.
- Put up a wall calendar in the kitchen and have all the things that are going on -on that calendar. I have one that’s dry erase for three months at a time. I have my husbands Dr. appointments and my dates and the family dates. Each day I ask my husband to read the day and tell me what is happening for today and tomorrow. That way we are both in the loop. Now, many times he forgets the events right after he reads them because he has Alzheimer’s just like your husband. But we are both on the same day and that counts for me. If the day is going to be nuts, I make sure I have a slow cooker going. If the day is going to be over the top, that is the stop by and get burgers day. The rest of the time I plan my dinner and know how much time it will take. Eating well is hard to do when you are tired, but it has to be on the top of your list for all of your family’s health to stay strong.
- Once a week, I do my meds for my husband. I have a great 2tdy/7dy med dispenser and I do it up and have it all behind me each week. If your son takes meds he will have his, too. I have mine with supplements that keep me going. Get one and use it – it will help relieve that pressure of med taking.
- Drop off your husband and your son at some sort of exercise or enjoyment place for one afternoon or morning a week. Your husband can go to the gym and do some walking or to a center that has cards and enjoy being with the guys. If he has friends to play poker, great they often understand his memory is bad but they love him enough to make him a part of their life. Or he can play pool, bowl or do golf. This is where you need to ask his family and friends to help you. You and he need a break. Be strong about this, it means your health! Your son can take a class in karate, art, or swimming…think of things they can do to leave you alone. Then do something for yourself in the time frame!
- Time, you can spend time running around or make a plan and give yourself more YOU time. A plan means you drive around and get all the chores done in one day, not do them each day. It means that you have your husband walk around the grocery store after dinner one night when the store is quiet and you can think and he can push the cart! When you force yourself to look at a day planner before you go to bed at night, your life will be on a more even keel than just facing each day with all the bumps and no caution signs!
- Buy yourself some new clothes for around the house. You need to wear clothes that are comfortable and yet stylish. You do not need to gain 50 pounds in sweats. You need to feel fresh and clean and comfortable, but stylish. Never go out of your morning bathroom without lipstick, it is mental and emotional must. It just says; “I am alive and ready for today!”
- One more tip—-I have so many more. Get a support group, or a hobby group online. You will have such a kick to get all your gal pals on Facebook and just write a little note to them each day. You will see that they’ll do the same and once a day you get to read their lives unfold. No it will not be as fancy as the teens that spend their life online in social sites. But it will be a way for you to reach out and express your good or bad day or tell a joke on yourself or just read about your buds and get a laugh. No long telephone call, no lunch out, but little daily lines of life…can make a huge difference in your inner peace.
I know you’re in the middle of a nasty time. And I’m there with you. I think often that I will get in the car, all on my own, and just drive. I never have figured out where I would drive, but I just know I could just step on the gas and go, go, go. But I don’t; I pick myself up and go at it again. That’s what pioneer women did and we are daughters of those women and in our own ways fighting family health challenges is still in it’s pioneer days.
Blessings on you for all you do- would you go and visit my web site for other ideas and tips for care givers – www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Thanks, francy
Mom and Dad are a Mess!
by francy Dickinson www.seniorcarewithspirit.com
Dear Francy; My parents live on their own in their home of 35 yrs. They have now succeeded in making that home a haven for every newspaper printed in the last five years, mail, books, everything in and around the house. They live amount stacks of boxes and stuff. It’s a mess and every time I try to clean it up they have a fit. What can I do?
CLEAN. You know there comes a time in life when someone makes a decision to be child-like in their thinking. If they do that, they have opened the door to be treated like a child, with love and consistent attention. I don’t think I have to remind you, of your own childhood days of bedrooms so messy you could not walk without stepping on clothes. Your mother would tell you to clean or not to come out until you did…remember that part? Well, the shoe is now offically on the other foot and you get to do the same to your parents.
Do not waste your time telling me your parents resent your obvious cleaning frenzy. I understand that part, they want to live in peace in their own home- it is their home and you are just their daughter. When did you get so bossy and they have even called you on your arrival back home to tell you what a nasty overbearing girl you are and they are re-thinking their will. – Sound familiar?
Well, if they are living in a home with so much junk that it causes a fire, health and bodily harm hazard – they better re-think their will, they will be needed it sooner than they think. So put that talk away, put their threats away and get over there with a shovel and get the place cleaned out. But before you do so, let’s talk about what it is really saying about them:
- When you are feeling tired and unable to jump up and return a coffee cup to the kitchen to be cleaned or pick up the newspapers after you have read them – what does that say? Do they have a heart problem that is slowing them down? Do they get dizzy if they move from the sitting position to the standing position or bending over? Could the dizziness be a side effect of a medication?
- If the mess has become a hazard in all the rooms, does it say that they have stopped thinking about clean? If that is so, do they bath regularly or wash their hands during the day or when they prepare food?
- If the room is so overwhelming that they sleep on a messy couch or in a Lazy-boy chair instead of in their own bed – is that because their bed is piled high with clothes that need to be cleaned, or are clean and not put away? Does that not tell you that things have started to get out of gear in their interaction with each others care?
- Do they think that people coming in to their home are guests and should be quiet about garbage dropped here and there? Because they have the right to be messy in their own home? Does this say that they are not thinking properly about their home ownership, should you check to see if they are paying their bills – or just letting the world go by without attention?
- Could the laziness of cleaning and caring for their own selves be related to depression or other medical reasons?
It is so easy to just think a good clean will change things. But if they have become hoarders and feel safer when they have things surrounding them, there is a problem. If they feel that one is one but a dozen shows that they can afford things and have things that others would like to have and that makes them better than other people out in the world. Or it may make them feel they are not getting older and losing power. Do all of those stacks of things bring them a feeling of safety? No one can take safety away if they have their stacks of stuff! They have issues.
It may be one or both of them. One may have started to hoard or stack things and the other allowed it out of love and fear of angering a person they love. And soon the other submits to the hoarding or inactivity in cleaning. It becomes a way of life that they joke about and think is really no one else’s business but their own.
WRONG. Hazards are hazards. A fire is a fire, a health issues of rodents and bugs infesting a home is not a joke. The idea that any open wound no matter how small could get infected when there is dirty kitchen counters where meats have been prepared and old food from dirty dishes builds up without cleaning is nasty. That is not a joke, nor does it say…I can do this because I own this house. Well guess what? They do not get that luxury. They can cause a fire to their own home and a neighbors, the repair men could trip on the things on the floor and they would have hurt someone else and gotten a law suit to boot. The rodents and bugs go from their house to the neighbors. The smallest infection, cold, flu etc. could be deadly with germs on every table, phone receiver, or faucet handle around. Dirt and germs, old newspapers and things thrown around are a danger. If your parents are unwilling to change those things than you have a job to do.
First, you tell their doctor. If you go to the doctor with them, go and tell him in person. If you do not - then write it down on paper in a letter and fax it. On the top of the letter, “ask it to be noted into their chart”. that is like telling a doctor that abuse is taking place, he has to respond to this information. Tell the doctor what is going on and better still take a couple of pictures with your cell phone so he can see what is happening. He might be able to diagnose depression and with a simple change of medication and it could remove all the stress they are under and make this problem something simple to solve. But he will have to take note and mention it during their next appointment. There is something about a doctor telling a senior person to do something. Not their daughter, but a doctor and it goes in and is acted on easier.
If not - you go to other family members and tell them you want to talk to your parents and help them clean up their home. You feel it is a sign of them losing their Independence and you may have to take legal action to have a judge determine their mental health.
If you have brothers and sisters, it will take a family intervention to talk to your parents and tell them if they want to live on their own. They will have to not only clean up the mess (which you will help them with) but they will have to have someone come in at least twice a month to keep the house clean.
There is no love lost when older people start to have problems that manifest into a home filled with things of no value that are being kept in strange ways. That is a sign of something. It is not to be ignored anymore than a sign of diabetes or cancer is to be ignored. They may have dementia, depression, leg pain, back pain, dizziness, breathing problems, which may signal Alzheimer’s or heart problems or some other real condition that could be treated.
The whole world acts odd when they age. This is gone beyond odd. This is dangerous and you have to face up to it and get it taken care of for their own good. Now, if they threaten you with financial rebuff and take you out of their will. So be it. Or would you rather stay in that will and find out they were both suffering for years with a condition that could have been treated?
Cleaning up the house is the easy part. But to clean it up and think it will stay that way is foolish. There are reasons behind the clutter - emotional, physical, mental. You have to find those reasons out and then get those issues into the light of day with a doctor, counselor or family members and then clean out the house.
I am sorry that caring for your parents can be so uncomfortable, but life is rarely a breeze through. If this is what you are faced it, do not ignore it, it will only get worse. It is your turn to start to make decisions that can help both of them find ways to handle this b