Calming Fear when Seniors Hear Bad News

Dear Francy; My Aunt is in her late 70’s and her husband has recently died. She is so fearful, of the house, the news, her money, her health, being alone. I am finding it quite a challenge to be around her- she is so negative about her life and the fear is just eating her up. Ideas?

Yes, I know you are not living with her, but a daily call pattern could help her a great deal. If you lived with her you would set the tone for the day when you walked in the door to greet her each morning, instead do it with your phone calls. This is never an easy thing to do because it requires you to be strong and not fall into her pool of depression and fear. You simply make a plan before you call her each day. Call around 10ish your time, when you can take a five minute break from your daily job or life pattern. Have in mind what to say.

If mother was still with us, I would be concerned about all the repeated news about the Swine Flu. Mother lost relatives and her sister was sick with the Spanish Flu after the First World War, so this news would have chilled her to the bone. Being upbeat, informing but refocusing her onto other ideas, days events etc is the key.

As you walk into a care area, you always take a moment for a quick deep breath. That brings oxygen to your brain and pulls the focus into the now. It allows you to remove the thoughts you have had with other patients, family or personal thing before this moment in time. The same goes on the phone, just before you pick up that receiver you take a quick deep breath and there you are, stronger and ready for action.

Have in mind the day at hand. Here we are at the end of April, so we start to think May. May 1^st was always May Day and daisy chains and May Day baskets; Mother’s Day coming up and spring time. It’s horse races at the Derby, it’s Opening Day for Boating here in the Puget Sound. There are lots to talk about and lots of ideas to share with your senior at this time of year- that can divert them away from the constant worry about bad news.

Smiling goes a long way with care for seniors, even if it’s on the phone-people “feel” smiles. You’ll be very surprised at the tone of your voice when you smile, compared to when you don’t. You can begin by using your everyday cheery voice as you plow through the verbal garbage that might be thrown your way.

You say; “Good morning hope today is finding you well. How are you feeling today?” – Keep them on course, if they say that the flu has been on the news and people are dying, no problem- you stay calm. ” I know, I have been following that information. I am very sorry so many people are worried over it. Luckily we are safe here, I have gone over all of the surfaces with cleaner and that makes it safe for us today. But how are you feeling, have you had your breakfast and morning pills?”

Address the positive not the negative. Do a chore in the room, or ask them more personal health questions on the phone. Let them vent if you wish, but let them vent for a limited time. Then turn yourself back on again. “It is almost May Day…I remember filling up baskets of flowers and then sneaking around the neighborhood and making deliveries to neighbors, ringing the bell and running away so they only found the basket on the front porch when they came to the door. That was so much fun, did you ever do that?”

Encourage the TV to be turned onto a channel that is fitting for their days viewing; food, PBS, game shows. Or get them involved with a task for the day, bring them laundry to fold, or take them outside for a short walk or sunshine. Come up with a few ideas and ask them which they are going to do. Taking their mind off the fear and onto a task, chore, or new thought pattern should be the plan.

If they are fearful of living alone, then get a good alarm system for them. Or add a lifeline or cell phone service so they can call for help at any time. After a six month wait, suggest a new home to be around others of the same age that will keep them going and happy. If they have had years of caring for a spouse, suggest a transition to helping others in a local charity situation. Volunteering at a pet shelter, or food bank – keep your mind creative and see what suggestions hits the mark. You may have to take them to a senior center for the first time, but they will learn to have new friends and start to “refocus” on friends and activities.

Money is money, you cannot make it go away…so making sure they have a good firm grip on their money – you can introduce them to a 3^rd party person that could explain investments, income, bills and help make plans to cut the budget down. If the house has to be sold to give a better life without stress, then that thought pattern has to be planted and let it grow over time. Time to think things through is so important when you are dealing with anyone of maturity.

I always make sure I give attention to fears. “I’m sorry you feel so worried over that, but let’s work together to think of ways to make it easier for you.” That way they know you are listening to them, but just not falling into the fear pool with them. Asking professionals to come in and give advice is so helpful. A good family counselor can help with grief or a free grief support group can do the same thing. A few classes in changing insurance companies for car and health at the senior center will inform them of how costs can be cut and still have good coverage. There are always ways of handling fear.

*Bringing the fear out in the open to discuss but not give it power.

*You can bring in ideas to divert their thoughts of fear with ideas of current events and friends that can bring them companionship.

*You will be able to bring thinking and patience into play for them.

 

That’s why senior, family and spouse care givers are so valuable- they can change an ordinary life into a life of quality. I thank you for all you do for your senior. It can be a hard road and very lonely. Please do go to my website at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on the daily blog called Dear Francy for more tips, I have a click for on demand radio show that I do each week, and my special free service called Loving Memories serving you and your family to help find just the right care facility for your senior when those needs are required. If you are just starting to give care I have written a how to called Care Giving 101 Workbook that can really give you a lot of ideas of how to give care. I am also on Twitter @seniorcaretips

Thank you, francy

How to Clean when Flu Hits Town

by francy Dickinson                          www.seniorcaretips.com

Dear Francy; Dad is so fragile right now, just out of hospital – just getting his appetite back. He has cleaning girls and bath ladies and such in the house and I worry about the flu going around?

You should worry, anytime other people come into the home to clean or give care it is exposing the senior to germs. The recent flu outbreak can work around the country and usually it’s elderly and small children that are effected the most. So cleaning is what we do and we do it on an ongoing basis. I know it sounds boring but I am going to go over the different rules of keeping your home even cleaner than hospitals!

Keep it Clean- tips for you or your cleaning care or office staff:

• You will find solutions at your medical supply, beauty supply, pharmacy that are concentrated and used for cleaning surfaces. You buy these and then thin them down with water and put them into spray bottles- large or small- and they are there for you to use in your cleaning all the time. A small bottle should be by your desk to go over all the surfaces of the office like the keyboard, phone, printer and anywhere you rest your hands. Do not think you are the only one using the area, others may come by and expose it and you may pick up something from place A and move it yourself back to your place B.
• Washing solution that you can make at home is one tsp bleach with one gallon of water. This solution lasts only 24 hours. Never mix bleach with ammonia or other household cleaners such as glass cleaner, it makes a nasty gas that will sicken you.
• Bleach is what kills most germs, but some surfaces will be harmed by bleach so you can look for solutions that have other solutions and use those. I have a product called Amazing that I buy at the dollar store – it has bleach in it and I use it all over the house, all the time.
• You can also buy pop up – pre moistened- towels with bleach mixture on them. They’re easy to use and you can get them in large quantities at Walmart, Costco and other box stores. Use the towel for one area or room at a time and then throw it away. They are very easy to teach children to use in their own bathrooms and bedroom areas. I think kids need to know how not to spread germs at an early age.
• Get in a habit of using the pre moistened towels as you enter a shopping area and use a cart. Most stores have them for your use now, so go over the handle and area around the cart and throw them away. Have the small bottles of liquid cleaner in your purse, car and office desk, as well as by the side of your senior in their favorite chair. You can buy the bottles very cheap at the dollar store. Use them when you are out with kids and never eat or touch yourself without using this liquid antibacterial bottles of soap.
• Sneeze into your elbow area of your arm and do not touch your nose or eyes when you are out and about. Use a Kleenx if you need to stratch or rub those exposed areas. Many people use something like neosporin in their nose when they go out in the midst of a nasty outbreak of a bug. I have done this myself, but I have no information on the success of this action.
• Remember you want to use paper towels to do the cleaning and throw them away as you move from room to room or when they get damp. You need to dry the surface, it’s the moisture that things grow in. Regular towels can harbor the germs and move them around the house, so use paper towels to keep clean.
• Bath towels should be used and washed after someone sick has taken a shower. All towels in the bathroom are up for washing machine clean if the family is unwell and the surface of the bathroom needs to be cleaned.
• If you’re using the bleach mixture, then you need to wear rubber gloves as you clean to protect your hands. Buy rubber gloves in most grocery and large box stores. But buy just one box of  both the latex and non latex and try them out and see if you show any signs of allergies. Once you know the type of rubber gloves you use best, then you can buy a large amount of them at the medical supply center or Costco. You can have the doctor actually write a prescription for them to help with the cost and if nothing else, they can come off the taxes in the medical care section for the patient/or you, if you are claiming them as a dependant.
• If you have not cleaned heavily lately, do it now. I make it a task to do the surface of the care home/nursery in the evening when every one is going down to bed. That way the day’s germs are taken care of and in the morning we start fresh all over again.
• Wash hands before and after you put on gloves. The gloves protect you from germs but touching them will bring them back onto your hands. Do not think gloves mean that you are safe from germs, you are touching the germs with the gloves and taking off the gloves is something that is taught to you in nursing aid classes. If you have not taken one, ask a nurse at the doctor’s office to show you and she will walk you through it and you will have it down in no time.
• Washing hands is done all the time and you need to get used to it if you are a mom, care giver or just live alone. The world is full of more people, more people make more germs and you are in the middle of it.
• Check out soap contents before you buy. I’m allergic to aloe and they are putting that in lots of hand soaps, so I have to be careful not to buy those. They ask you to use antibacterial soaps out of the home and regular soaps in the home. But using any soap is better than none. So buy some soft soaps at the box store and just wash your hands on a regular basis or when ever you do a task with another person or when you move from a care giving room to another.

Proper Hand Washing Guide:

1. Make sure you have everything you need at the sink before you wash your hands. That would be your liquid soap, your paper towels and a trash can that is ready for you to drop the towel in to- without touching another surface. >> Use one of the paper towels to open the public bathroom door after your hands are washed clean.
2. Turn on warm water and keep the water running while washing your hands, this is not a time to worry about water consumption.
3. Rub palms together to make a lather. Scrub between your fingers and the entire surfaces of the hands and wrists remember under your nails. Scrub for 10-15 seconds.
4. Rinse hands thoroughly by pointing fingers down so the water does not run up your wrists
5. Dry hands well with paper towels that are clean and make sure they are dry, not moist. You can use hand lotion if available to prevent chapping.
6. If chapping occurs then talk to the pharmacist and ask them if they think it is the soap, the gloves or just the washing? He can recommend a good moisture cream that will help your skin.

I hope this information helps you through out the full year. Winter is not the only time for germs, they lay in wait all year long. Faucets, toilet handles, light switches, door bells, all kitchen surfaces, pens and scizzors in your kitchen office area, crayons and dog toys. The list is long. But if you and your family get used to cleaning up after dinner in the kitchen and call the clean up, surface clean up as well as dish clean up, it can really help to lower the sniffles.

If you give care and you’re sick, do not go into the senior area – get help to take over your place until you’re well. You can find face masks at the pharmacy and ask the pharmacist how to use them for full effectiveness.

Please go to my website and read more information on basic care giving. I also have fun radio shows that will give you good info at http://bit.ly/F9bwQ  and the informaiton on how to really give care well is in my workbook called Senior Care 101 Workbook, that you can find on the products page of the www.seniorcarewithspirit.comsite. Thanks, francy

Gay Seniors and Their Care Needs

by francy Dickinson                            www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; My brother is gay and has had two very long lasting relationships and now he is facing a terminal illness and he wants both of his former partners to participate in his care. It is way to complicated for me, but I have been asked to help him with this. Guidance?

OK, first take your mind off the Gay part and just see your brother with two x wives and how he might want them to be with him on and off during this time of his passing. See? That makes it easier for those that are not Gay to understand, it’s just past lovers that mean so much to the senior that they want them to be next to them during this time of transition.

Just as you would with an xWife club members, you should treat the two former partners with kindness and just ask them if either one has a problem being in the room or the home when the other is there to visit or spend time with them. It’s not a bad question, I ask that of many family members, lots of families have had disagreements and members do not get along and I try to give them time with the senior and space from the family that upsets them. I think that you will find his former partners are still caring towards him and would enjoy a routine visit.

How do you plan visits to a sick senior?

• Make sure the past is left at the door, they should be there for loving support and to talk about old times and funny things and just enjoy life, not bring up sad times.
• Timing is important. Usually a weak senior has a range of 10-25 minutes of energy to spend with someone that is just visiting and talking away-  it is very tiring for the senior.
• If the person is coming to stay for a day; they will know to settle in and keep busy and the time with the senior is not spent talking all the time, but letting life unfold as it would naturally. Watching TV or movie together, taking the senior out for a walk, having lunch, talk a little and leave the room for napping for both of them. One day a week, is the most they need to give, that means that they have lots of time for sharing and not so much time that they wear out and lose the special feeling of the moment.
• No matter who it is that comes to visit. Have rules on the door that fit the situation, Do not enter if you are sick, This is a Stress Free Happy Area, Everyone Crossing this Line is a Friend and will be Treated as One – what ever you want to post. Make it light and fun, but remind them you want loving in the room not distress.
• Inform those that stay longer than a 30 minute time period what the senior can or can not do. They may not understand the senior has to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes, or has a breathing machine on for 20 minutes and can not talk during that session. Remember they are not care givers, so inform them how to lightly help and be there for support.
• Life is life and seniors that are Gay need to be visited by their Gay adopted family members. You will have to just release all of your preset ideas and know who ever calls on the phone or shows up on the door step – is a friend and should be treated with kindness and hospitably while they’re visiting your brother.
• If the Gay lifestyle bothers you, that is OK…just slip out the door and come back to check on him when needed. You are not expected to change – you are just expected to allow your brother to be all he is around his actual straight family and his adopted Gay friends and family. It is all love to him, he is the one facing illness and transition, so he needs to work through all of his own feelings and ideas.
• Ask your brother if there is a special Chaplain that he would like to have over to talk to and pray with at this time. Many times those in the Gay community have special ministers that include not exclude the Gay community from their faith groups. So, make sure his needs are being met by using someone that is special to him, not just your own family minister.
• Loving your brother has probably not meant you were exposed to his friends and his Gay culture. He knows that and he does not want you to be uncomfortable, so he would not ask you to do anything that makes you upset. So it is your place to tell him, that you love him and want him to have those around him that support and love him. Let him know you will welcome his friends and loved ones into the home or care facility with open arms and he only has to guide you with the information of how to notify them of his needs.

I know that care giving is a very difficult thing to do for anyone, but giving to your brother is such a dear thing for you to do. Thank you for your time. Would you be kind enough to visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click for the on demand radio show to hear more about care giving tips and go to products page to check out my book Care Giving 101 Workbook, that has so many helpful tips for those that do not have a background in nursing and still want to give good care to family and friends.

Thanks, francy

PS I am on twitter too @seniorcaretips

“Change” the Word sends a Chill!

by francy Dickinson                           www.seniorcaretipswithspirit.com

Dear Francy: My mother is not coping well with any little change. It’s getting so bad, that I simply do things now without telling her. Can I help her through this?

Change, some of us will climb a steep mountain instead of facing change – I do understand but what I have been doing for a long time is trying to divert the senior’s thought pattern to the outcome of change, not the actual change itself.

Example:

• If you’re feeling that a doctor you are using is simply not working for you and you want to change. Then you put on your change hat and say; “Mom, I have found this great doctor that’s really close to us and has a wonderful referral list. I talked to a friend about him and he gives him five stars, I made an appointment and we can see how we like him.”  No mention of the other doctor, if she asks, you just say we need someone for a back up just in case. Keep it calm and keep it safe.
• You know your mom has to stop driving and you are trying to ease her into the idea and she kicking her way out of it. You then put on the change hat, “Mom I was thinking that when you decide to stop driving it would be fun to give your car to one of your grand daughters. Like Shelley, she is taking that bus to work everyday and it will be ages before she can save for a car, think how special it would be for her to drive your car and keep it in the family?”
• Your dad knows that he has to stick to his diabetic diet, but he is making the change a nightmare. Off comes the son/daughter hat and on goes the change hat, “Dad, I just bought a new cookbook on diabetic cooking and it features desserts. I’m going to make you a different dessert each week. I want to start with this great pie they have on the cover.” When you get to the house with pie in hand, make sure you leave with all the cookies, candy and goodies he has stashed away. Replace them with no sugar treats and remember carbs are like sugar, so the bread needs to be wheat instead of white. But make the change out well worth the fuss!
• Your senior is really unhappy in their retirement place. A change of living is going to take place and that is a worst change of all. Change hat ready? ” Mom, I walked through a care center right by my place the other day. It is such a close drive and we could have lunch together if you were over there. I love the way they do the colors in the rooms and their food was so nice, the people are so kind and I loved it. I want you to be happy again so we can spend more time together. Let’s go over and walk through together.”

See what I mea? Always talk about a cheery outcome, not the change. Make the change, yes…but make it with a feeling of positive movement instead of leaving something good behind. Think forward and dangle a carrot. If you want a young child to eat veggies, you always dangle a carrot, like dessert in front of him/her. So do it now. When you move we will have to get you some new pillows or a couple new comfortable robes or slippers, or go over and have lunch with her each Friday and see if you can get your siblings to join you. Those are the payoffs and that is how change is done without so much fuss.

If there is a lot of fuss. The truth is, you are the caregiver and you make the decisions. Making sure they are kind and just – the decisions are on you and you have to be the “mom” here and there with no guilt attached. Just as you said no to your kids- this is a – we will do this change – to your senior. It’s the hard part of giving care. Sometimes loving care does not make you popular.

Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and click on my new BlogTalk Radio Show icon www.blogtalkradio.com/seniorcarewithspirit  and have a listen to my radio shows. I cover, Senior Care Tips, Making the Most of Your Doctor Visits and Moving Mom out of the Family Home….it’s fun listening, I know you’ll enjoy it! The shows are on demand so you listen when ever you want to and you just click on the PLAY button…easy breezy-

Thanks for all you do for your mother…francy

Trees a way to calm and heal

by Francy Dickinson                              www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; I am going to share a little about my self today because trees came up again this weekend. We live in the northwest and our trees are deep green and tall, we have lots of Douglas Firs, cedar and pine so we have a green mantle around us all the time. You may have a small tree in your back yard or a park close by, take a walk – watch a tree – see what happens.

My people are Tree people:

In the middle of the summer of 1969 I was living in New York City, dancing with a ballet company. I had a curvature of the spine and as I danced professionally it effected the muscles. The pain would come and go, the muscles would act up now and then, but that summer – I was in very bad shape. I simply had to take a break and calm down the muscles and I flew back home for rest. I went from the busy high rise city to the quiet tree filled lanes of my home town.

Home was in Tacoma, Washington where my parents had a lovely turn of the century Queen Anne home in the North end. When I arrived I was shocked at the advancement of my father’s cancer. He had been fighting throat cancer for a few years with only radiation to help keep it at bay, in those days. He was now at home, no longer working, no longer walking well, no longer able to eat food- he had a feeding tube. Mother was working at the college as a cook and she got up very early to do the breakfast shift and came home in the afternoon. So she would put dad in the living room facing the large bay window and arrange all that he needed before she went off to work. He had a commode, water, pre-mixed food for him to administer through his feeding tube, Kleenex, and a book. She then hurried off to work and worried about him all through her working shift. Around 9am a nurse from the neighboring nursing home would arrive and let herself in and give him a morphine shot, she would check up on him and give him anything he needed and then leave. Mother knew the owner of the nursing home and as a neighbor, he sent one of his nursing staff over to help with daddy as a kindness. 

That was what greeted me on my arrival and the all too quiet house. A big house that had always been filled with noise from four daughters and now their grand children. But Dad was way to ill, no one was visiting Dad. He sat alone, quiet all day, unable to talk because of his throat cancer surgery. Dad was a man that was exceptionally bright and gifted as an artist. He made furniture and upholstered for a life long living, he had been one of the first home decorators in our city creating things all his life…now he just sat, quiet.

I took over the routine of caregiver, I was 19 that summer. I had to put aside the embarrassment of the commode and learned how to assist him out of his wing chair that he sat in all day long. I learned the recipe for his food mixture and knew how to clean out his trachea tube, it was not pleasant, but when you have someone you love that is sick – the details of care, simply go away and you concentrate on making them comfortable and giving them ways to find happiness – even if it’s in small moments.

It was a few days before we both settled into a routine and I soon would sit by him reading and writing letters to my NYC friends. I had the radio on some times, but most of the time it was quiet. Dad wrote notes all day…funny notes, sad notes, mad notes, help notes…it was an odd way of communicating. Just recently I found a box filled with his notes that mother had kept for over forty years – I have not read them, I just closed the top to the box and remembered how sad that time was for all of us.

I was feeding him one day when I first saw the trees. You see his eyes were that wonderful light grey-blue color that can reflect like a mirror. As I stood by his side holding up the feeder tube, he was looking outside as he always did and I saw the trees reflected in his eyes. I finished the feeding and cleaned the area and when I returned to sit back down I stared outside and saw the large trees across the street. Horse chestnut is what we called them, they were swaying in the wind and had a quite a rhythm going as I watched them. I looked over at Dad and he was still just involved with the trees. It was his meditation point. I asked him about it and he wrote a small note back to me, “I live with them, when I’m gone I will be with them.” He smiled and I excused myself to go and cry in the back yard.

I was there all that summer and into the fall as the tree’s leaves started to turn. It was the 19th of September that he passed that year. Every few years I drive by that house and look at the trees, they’re still beautiful, I think Dad is taking very good care of them.

I was forty when my sister found out she had cancer. It was a strange thing, she had called me on the phone and told me she was going to the doctor and there was something odd about her voice. I asked her if she wanted me to join her and we could have coffee afterwards, she said a reluctant OK and came and picked me up. After her appointment she returned to the reception area and sat next to me waiting for the doctor to instruct her on her next appointment and he came out and stood in front of us. In the middle of other patients he simply said; “You have cancer” and walked away. We bothjust sat there, not able to speak, not knowing what to do, not even feeling really- just like a scene in a movie we sat quietly together. Until I broke the silence and told her we needed to leave and we walked out the door to her car. I drove her home and we sat in her beautiful backyard and drank tea. No tears, no words- just shock. It was a horrible time for us both. She was alone with no one to care for her, I was married and worked with my husband. She needed someone to help her through the massive operation and home care…and the only person that could do it without paying for it, was me. It was the second time I gave care to someone who was terminal. It was such a sad time, she had so many needs and I had to learn so many skills to keep her comfortable. I tried so hard to make her laugh, I tried to think of funny things about the meds and the procedures and we tried to laugh all the time. But it got harder to laugh as you saw her go down in her body’s ability to function. One day I brought her a plate of crackers and cheese and put it on the table next to her. She was sitting in a favorite chair of hers and looking out the window into the back yard. I glanced at her eyes to give her a smile and there they were…the trees reflecting in her light grey-blue eyes that were so much like my father’s – all those years before. I asked her about the trees, “Do they make you feel good?” She smiled and told me that when she looked at the trees it was like they drew her in to them. She could just sit for a moment and they called to her and she instantly felt relaxed and had less pain. They made her feel comforted and left her feeling “not so alone”.

I remember going into the kitchen and crying again. The trees; they were pulling her in – that seemed to mean that we were all connected to each other. You hear about connection to all things on earth, but it’s a concept so hard to really grasp until you actually feel a kinship withsomething like a tree. My sister lasted from day of discovery of cancer to her death only five months. So much of her time in those months were in pain. There she sat, in the quiet watching the trees in her back yard, her face relaxed and eyes reflecting the leaves and branches. I came to understand the connection and respect it.

It was not until 2006 that I saw the trees reflected in my mother’s eyes. She had been living with me for a few years as I gave her full time care. She had had a series of little strokes. Her mind was still strong but her body just slowly failed her. I had taken two bedrooms in my home and given her one for her sleeping room and one for her sitting room. It was in that sitting room that mother would sit in her automatic lounger and stare out the window. Our home looks out into a ravine that was filled with Douglas firs. We see the upperparts of the trees so the view is wonderful. They’re filled with birds and the swinging of the branches in the breeze. Mother started to stare out the window about two months before she passed. She would forgo her favorite TV shows and her books and just stare out the window at the trees for hours at a time.

Mother’s eyes are like mine, green and yet the sea of green branches swinging in the wind reflected just as well in those eyes than it did in the grey-blue eyes of my dad and sister. I knew she was leaving me. I suppose it should have made me sad, angry or afraid that she was spending time with thetrees, but it didn’t. I knew she was finding calm and quiet thoughts with the trees. I knew she was sharing things that are hard to put into words and I just let her float there during the day. She passed just shy of her 100 birthday, but in her 100thyear. I was ready when it happened and both my husband and myself were by her side. The trees swooped down and took her away like in a book of fairy tales- off to be with Dad and my sister…

I use the trees myself now, I sit up on roof top deck and I just relax into the trees around me. It calms me and I feel it allows my mind to be more creative and at times I feel close to my family that has passed.

My husband, Georgie is now fighting Alzheimer’s. If he has a day that is filled with confusion, I take him up to my deck and we just sit and watch the trees. He calms down and starts to hold my hand and I feel the Georgie inside of him coming to the top again. I guess we are all Tree People…we just take time to know it.

I encourage you to spend some quiet time with trees to find a calm and safe place to go when you are in need. I wish you well and hope you will visit my web site and see the other services I offer www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Thank you, francy

Senior Doesn’t Want to Leave the House

by francy dickinson                                     www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; Dad just does not want to go out of the house any more. He lives alone and is really just giving up. He is 82 has heart problems that make it hard for him to walk and he is just over with doing chores and getting out the front door. What do I do now?

Well, once again there are a variety of things you can do to decide what he needs to help him get to a happier place. The first thing could be he just is unable to care for the house like he used to and he is overwhelmed with worry. But let’s don’t jump to conclusions, lets go over the list for you to review;

• Tell his doctor of his emotional problems, it could very well be that his medications for his heart are starting to effect his emotions. That happens and you need to step in and get to the doctor with him and go over what pills he has and how they work for him, so you can help make a decision on this situation. If the doctor knows he could prescribe other meds and add a med to help your dad feel less stress and worry.
• If he really can not walk, then think about a power chair for his mobility
• Next, talk to your dad, see if you can find out what route he would like to take. Give him 3 options each time you speak to him. RE: 1/Dad we could have someone come in twice a week and clean up the house & fix your meals 2/we can come over on the weekends and make sure the grass is cut and the landscaping is in order or hire it done, 3/we can look into one of those nice assisted living places that would give you a great place to live with everything done for you and you could just relax and enjoy the company. Let it all sink in…talk about it a few times and let his mind run over the ideas.
• If you feel he is ready for a retirement, assisted living, or adult care home then it’s time for you to do some looking around. I have a company that does the research for people and then we help you find a place that is the right match for your dad.Loving Memories is a free service for senior facility placement that you can check out on my website.
• In home care, can be done by a company or a private person. You might already know someone who is trained in senior care, or you might have a tight budget. But remember this is how he can stay where he is in a comfortable way. In-home care is what is needed now that he is feeling down and unable to keep up with the home and its many daily chores as well as his problems getting around the house.
• Another avenue is to have a live-in. Many times you can find a young man/woman that would like a room and a place to stay while going to school or saving for a down payment on a home. You can ask around, ask at a faith center or the local college or seminary. This way the person gets a nice place to live and in exchange for doing light house keeping, the lawn mowing and making sure food is fixed at least a couple of nights a week. Plus, they will be there at night in case your dad needs someone. You will have to do a back ground check on the person to have them in the home with your dad, you can do that by going to google and typing in your area and a back ground check and it will guide you on that. Then you have to sit down and really go over the care chores that are required so you will have a list for them to review when you interview them. I would interview them at a local coffee house and then have them come over to your dad’s for safety and privacy issues.
• If you asked for my vote, it sounds like it is time for your dad to sell the house and make a move into a nice place that he can age and be cared for at the same time. A place that will provide companionship, good food and someone to keep an eye on him. His years of worry over the house and the chores are now behind him. If he is displaying this behavior now, it will only intensify in the coming months. I know the change is hard for everyone, but think on it and take some sort of action- this is never a fun time for any family member, but action to make your dad safe and less stressed is needed.

There is never a good answer to a problem that has a difficult situation attached to it. But the steps above will give you ideas to think on and maybe one will set a spark. Be sure to take him to the doctor, that might be a big reason he is having problems. He may even have more health issues than you are aware. When older folks that do not hear well, feel unwell or are tired go to the doctor’s office alone, they miss most of what the doctor says to them.With you going with him he will have fresh ears and eyes on his health and that might really make a difference in the type of care that he will now need.

Thanks for all you do for your dad, and please go to my website and read more about Loving Memories our Senior Care Facility Placement Service and my Senior Care 101 Workbook – www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Thanks, francy

Dear Francy Recipes – Easy Biscuits “Step by Step” to Temp Senior’s Taste Buds

This is what I know; older people were raised & lived with homemade food and the taste of that food. Buying biscuits or refrigerated biscuit dough in the store – does not give them the flavor that they have always enjoyed.

So, in this day and age when we all cook fast and easy for our families; we have to remember that the senior’s taste buds do not relate to that cooking. How can you make a decent meal for a senior and still have a fast and easy meal? You just add in a few things here and there that will make their taste buds happy. Good old fashioned biscuits are sure winner. Cheap, easy and so yummy. Now most cooks do not bake much anymore, but I’ve tried to bring you an easy recipe that anyone can make. If you are a wiz-bang baker, you just whip out “from scratch”. But let’s be real, this may be your first time at baking and I still say…you can do it!

I love Bisquick (get a coupon & more fast recipes on the Betty Crocker website) It’s a terrific product and very inexpensive to have on the shelf. It has already combined the flour with the baking soda and such to make the use of it easy and fast. You do not have to buy all those ingredients and have them sitting around going bad. You just use your Bisquick (or any other Quick Baking Mix) So, give this a try… just a try. Your first time round may be a little flat, but the second time will be a winner. Your senior, you and your family will be very pleased that you gave it a try. This is just a few minutes of your time and you will see how yummy it is when the biscuits are hot and served with sweet jams or homemade gravy….wow – I think I’m going to make some tonight for us!

Bisquick Biscuits

(Easy even for non-bakers this is a simple step by step recipe, just give it a try. Do this once a week and you will be a baker and your senior will be full and happy!)
2 1/4 cups Original Bisquick
2/3 cup milk
Heat oven to 450 degrees F.dough onto very clean & dry counter surface that is generously sprinkled with Bisquick. Knead about 10 times (Knead means you fold the dough ball over on top of itself and then push it down and out and repeat – so it has layers that rise when it bakes) Then use a rolling pin (or soup can without its label) to roll the dough to about 1/2-inch thick & 10-inch wide circle on the counter top. Cut the dough into small (2 1/2 inch) circles with a circle cutter or use a tuna can (opened on each end
and cleaned) for the cutter. Place the round dough on an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes until golden brown. Turn on the oven light and watch them – you do not want them to over bake, they will rise up and get a yummy light brown on top. Take them out of the oven and off the cookie sheet and open them up right away and put a pat of margarine or butter inside of them to melt. Serve two to your senior with a little dish of apple butter, or jam on the side with a spoon so they can have them hot, rich and sweet! Great topped with gravy too…and for a morning treat serve them with sausage gravy – or on their own next to an egg.

Stir ingredients until soft dough forms. Turn

 

.>>> You see it does not take a lot to have a senior feel like they are back home again. This reminder of old times, good food – can change a never want to eat senior, into a “Can we have biscuits again, tonight?” senior. Please go to my website and read about other ways to give good practical care to your senior www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Thanks for all you do and don’t forget…even guys can bake and girls that wear high heels can do anything! Francy

→PS: Seniors taste buds dull down and they need more flavor. Use a spicy blend of seasoning on top of the cooked food – like Mrs Dash

Senior Refuses to Eat Real Food – Getting Weak

by francy Dickinson                        www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; My dad is just not eating. He will make an occasional piece of toast and he will eat if I am in front of him and the meal is fresh. He refuses frozen food, left overs, and canned food and I am watching him get thin and weak in the body and emotionally. What can I do?

There are lots of things to review and many of them will take professionals to help you. Doctor, counselor, additional help with in-home care…let’s see what we have for you:

• Questions: Is he depressed and missing his wife and just not eating because of those memories? If you know this, a primary care physician can help with meds to bring his emotional level up and help him handle the grieving. If you do not know, then a trip to a family counselor to have him talk over his problems about his grief and his eating might be even more helpful – before he sees his doctor.
• Does he just have nothing in his life and his days are melding into weeks and months? That can really effect a person that has always had someone to keep him company and keep him busy. If so then you can take steps and get him into a senior center once a week. Have him volunteer once a week to use his talents. If he tinkers- then a Boys & Girls club with all the equipment and repairs that are needed all the time is good. Just use your creative thoughts on this and find a place that can fill his needs. Even if he does not like it, make him do it. If he will not go out to others have him come in to you. A day or two at your place on the weekend when he is surrounded by family and have him working on your yard, porch, paint, or fix the leaks in the faucets. You can think of things to do for him, he needs to be busy in his mind and helping you at the same time is “a feel good for him”. If he can not do it alone, you will just have to give him a gentle, but consistent push.
• Make sure your dad is included in a monthly family outing. That’s a trip to a movie, a museum, a community event like a street fair, a car trip to a larger city, or family birthday celebration. These are the things that give a life structure- when there’s an event on the calendar other than a doctor’s appointment!
• He likes your food, how about finding someone in the neighborhood that is older and will share dinners with him. You can pay them $20-$50 a week for food and they can send over a dinner to him each night. Perfect for a retired lady in the neighborhood, gives her food to cook and an extra income. Plus, he gets a visit, or a walk each evening. If nothing in the neighborhood, ask around to friends – you will find so many single ladies all alone that would love to be busy. This is not looking for love for your dad…we are talking good food here. He helps her she helps him, healthy business.
• Can he afford an assisted living?  This is where he has a place that is an apartment type of residence and they go out to the main hall for dining three times a day. They have other people there for companionship and many different events to keep them all busy. If he misses people and is retreating, this might be his answer. He could sell the house and leave those memories in place and then move into a new life. I know it means money, but that is why he has invested in a home all of these years, to give him security and care now that he is older.
• Could he afford an in-home care person? You just call a care service and ask them for an assessment and they will tell you what is needed and then you tell them what your budget is and together you come up with a care plan. A care giver will be in his home each day for a few hours that can make the meals and keep him up to date on meds and his exercise. You come and visit on the weekend or in between what you can afford to pay for care givers. You work less, your dad gets more care…it’s a nice fit. Plus, everyone is nicer to an outside of the family care giver. It is just the way of life. So, if he does not eat for you, he will eat for the care giver.
• Can you make a deal with a family member to come over once or twice a week and then you come over the same and he is covered most days? I know this is hard, but you know, your sibling, his sister, or a niece might do it, or a close family friend and they will just come and give him a couple of hours. Now, they will not be cleaning or doing chores, they will visit and do his food. But if money is really low, you need help, you need to ask the family to give time. Most of the family can commit to a day of a couple of hours. Do the math, two family members and you makes a good care plan.
• Can he come and spend weekends with you? Even if you both do not want to live together, you might find that the weekends of living together will give him good food, interaction and raise up his emotional level to help him through the week. You send home meals for the rest of the week. Buy good plastic covered dinner containers and as you cook just make one more portion, that way he has food that is not frozen and tastes like family cooked it!
• This all sounds great but your dad is a stubborn and does not respond to anything? Well, here is the truth, life is never perfect and he has to know that is the case. So if he feels this way and will not respond, then you get together with your husband or other siblings and go and sit down and have a talk with him. Circle around him and tell him, this is the way life is going to be. You can not sit here and do harm to yourself. You are not dying you are well and you are doing very bad job of taking care of yourself. We as a family are going to have to make some decisions on your care. If you want to help us, then here are three choices you can make, otherwise, we will have to make the decisions for you. If you need to have a third party with you then you  hire a Senior Care Consultant, that is what I do. I help them with family meetings and get the ball rolling. There is no anger or childish behavior during the meeting, this is all for your dad. You decide.

I hope that you have already gotten his power of attorney for health reasons. If you do, then the decisions that you need to make for your dad are all in your hands. If not, get that done. I have the information in earlier blogs and in my Senior Care 101 Workbook – http://tinyurl.com/d6a5e5  

I always try to put my mind into the senior that I am caring for at the time. Have they suffered a loss of a wife, child, job, health, strength, or are in dementia? Those things make their lives so much more complicated. Try to remember that when you are treating the body, that the mind and heart are all in the mix together. So proper medication, clean surroundings, good companionship, a few laughs, busy days, events on their calendar, and good food all go together to make a senior have a life that feels worth living.

You have been so good to your dad, like my mother, he does not even see you standing there. I know it’s frustrating when you’re trying to help him and he does not respond, but you just have to force yourself not to take it personally, he does love you. As a matter of fact; he is probably mad at the fact that you have to bother over him. My mother told the care givers that she just wanted to go and let me live my life – That made me feel so sad that she was that upset about having to “need care”. There is no way out as we go into advanced age and need help, we need help. And there you are – standing next to your dad giving him love, that is a very good thing.

I know you can be creative with all of this – you have already done so much for your dad. Keep it up- the times you spend with him right now, in the middle of all this care giving, will enrich the rest of your life. Thank you, francy

How to Keep Your Senior Safe on Their Own

by francy Dickinson                www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; Mom is 68 and living alone in Utah, I’m in California. She is well, doing fine, but how to do I know if she is fine- how can I care for her long distance?

My mother was on her own since she lost Dad- at 62. So my sisters and I started to check in with her on a daily basis from that time forward. Mother was strong and working until she was 70, she lived on her own until she was 95. But she needed to have assistance to be on her own all those years and it started out with the check-in phone calls. I think this is why she was so independent, because we all had our place in her life and did different things to keep her protected and engaged. So, let’s start at the top and just talk about the check-in calls.

Very few children understand that older people need to have a rutter to keep going in the right direction in their life. They do not need to have someone driving them crazy and telling them what to do, just someone checking in with them and keeping them on point. I think the best place to start is if you do not want to be checking in with your parents or senior friend or family member on a daily basis.

If you are someone that is really busy and does not want to be tied down to check in calls each day…then hire it done. Because some one has to do it.  If you live out of town or within driving distance you still need to have someone do a daily check in with your parent that is over 65. Now I am talking about a parent in good health, or bad – who lives alone. Find a person to do the check-in. You can find a senior neighbor, or a young mother who could use a little gas money while they try to stay at home to raise their children. You could use a care service if your senior needs a little more than a phone call. Find your check-in person in your seniors own neighborhood, or at the local church. Make sure it’s a person that is safe and would not harm your senior or steal from them. Then ask them to call each day, or stop by and take in their mail. That way the person is able to see how your senior is doing and report if there is anything out of order, or different about the senior.

Now, YOU…you can take 5 minutes out of your morning to check in with your parent or senior. You simply make a daily time to call. You can set up your watch to remind you and you call and make it short. This is not your usual chit chat call that you make a couple of times a week, this is a check in call and you have specific questions to ask the senior and then you hang up and get back to work.

Senior Check-In call:

• Set a time each morning that is good for you both. Some seniors are early risers and some have sleeping problems and do not wake up until after 9:30AM so find out their pattern and work with their needs, not yours. What ever time it is – set it in your life like clock work. Set your watch or cell phone to a daily alarm to remind you where ever you are to call the senior. If you’re out of town, then check out the Magic Jack that is only $20 a year to call via your computer. Its easy to use and a terrific help with long distance calling.
• When you call you are first going to listen for their voice tone. That is why you need to call when you know they are up and starting their day. Their tone should be strong, if it is weak or sounds like it comes from the back of their throat, there could be problems. Emotional problems are often first noticed with a strange lower than normal voice pitch. So just listen, how do they speak, they may take a few moments to warm up, but they should be alert in their speech patterns. If you hear slurring or mumbling or they sound strange, they you are alerted that something is going on that needs to be checked out by a person in their town (or you) that can drop by and see your parent and make sure everything is A-OK
• Ask them the same questions each day; “Hi, mother, how is your morning?”  – “Have you eaten, yet? – what did you have” – “Did you take your meds this morning? If not, do it now while we are talking” – What’s your plan for today?” – “Good, well I have to get back to work, good to hear you’re busy and feeling well I’ll talk to you later.” That is it.
• You want to know if they are up and moving, if they are sick, is it like a small cold or flu and they need some extra over the counter supplies to help them through it – or do they feel sick or weak in the morning and that may mean a doctor visit to schedule. Do they complain about a lot of pain? Then always ask them, “What number is your pain if you have 0 for none and 5 for going to the doctor?”
• Do they remember the day? Remember they have an appointment they have been talking about for the last week? Do they have something in their day to do and already planned? Emotional health is someone with a plan, small or large- a plan for the day. Are they going out to work in the garden or do chores around the house, meeting friends for cards or lunch, watching a special show on news or their favorite morning TV shows? Something that shows they are keeping a life  in order and not  just sitting with nothing to do.
• Are they physical? Are they doing a morning stretch and exercise, from a walk to a exercise with the TV’s  “Sit and Stretch” lady on PBS? Make sure you encourage them to MOVE…get up walk around and keep those legs working.
• Are they eating? Make sure their breakfast is something that is healthy. Are they eating donuts or just a piece of toast, or fixing a good cereal with a fruit topping each day? Do they hate to cook? Then they should have a yogurt or an energy drink to start their day.  Common sense is what you are calling about and you need to nudge them into the common sense side of life in your morning calls.
• Do they follow through with tasks? Did they say they were going to take out the garbage yesterday and now, today they are saying they are going to take it out again. This could show they are not following through with simple tasks. It may be a sign of loneliness, depression, or early dementia. These are the things you are looking for each day. Not that you can wave a wand and change their life, but if they have someone to talk to and to check-in with, they are more likely to finish tasks.
• Are they going out? You can take note of where they’re going and just know that if they are going out you will want to make a quick call that afternoon or evening and check that they got back home safely, or ask them to call you back when they get in the door.
• Do they have a cell phone on them at all times? Having a phone by their bed or chair does not help them if they get in trouble with a fall or sickness. A cell phone in their breast pocket so they can hear it, or around their neck in a holder or lanyard is what they need to do each day. If they fall or get in trouble, help is just a phone call away. I like cell phones but if they need one, then get them a medical alert system, either way…they need to know they have a way to call for help.
• Are they bored and just want to talk? You have to get this taken care of right off the bat. The morning check-in means you just check in…as you learn to listen to their daily needs it will get shorter and shorter. You have to set the rules here, let them know you care about them, but you are at work and a quick call is all the time you can give them. If they need you for a problem to call you during the day – otherwise your chat calls are for after work.
• Do they hate to have you call and resent it? Then sit down with them and tell them you are so busy that you do not have time to do an in person check in each day. So you need to do it on the phone each morning. You look forward to hearing their voice and knowing they are well and doing fun things for the day. Make it about you, not about them. Parents and seniors always respond better to doing things for others, then doing them for their own good.
• What if they need you and you are at work or out of town? That is when you need to have a back up to your calls. A relative that you can call, a next door neighbor, a person that you have pre-set as a drop in back up to check on your senior – in person. I will tell you that a neighbor is usually the best bet. You will find other seniors in the area, a close friend or faith center friend, a card playing friend and so on that will drop by and make sure your parent is OK. If they are not they go to the doctor or the ER.

Living alone is a long line of days that are empty. It takes a while for anyone to adjust to life on their own again. If you parent is just newly widowed then it is part of your love to them, to check in each day and know that you need to suggest things to the parent to keep them a float. “Mom how about making that good soup you like to make this week and we can all come over on Thursday and have a quick dinner with you. We can not stay, just a drop by, have soup, hug you and off night, but it would be nice to give Joyce a night off from cooking and to see you at the same time- OK?” Give them something to do, something to look forward to, the transition to being alone is really difficult and a caring friend or relative can make a huge difference.

I have so much more on giving care in my Care-Givers Workbook 101, please come and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and check out the book in both printed and eBook format to easily download. Thanks for all you do for your mom…francy

Family Robbing the Old – Just when they need help!

by francy Dickinson                             www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy: I have two brothers and one has POA for my mother. I take care of her in her home and he makes sures she has funds for all that she needs. She has had a stroke and needs full time care and when I went to check her into the center, I found out my brother had taken most of my mother’s money and gotten a reverse mortgage on her home. I am in shock, but more than that, I need to care for mom. Help?

No, I am not a lawyer and your financial problem is legal in nature and you need to find a lawyer to help you. If you do not have personal funds to find one, call social services, senior division, in your area and ask them for help they’ll guide you to a legal center that can help you. The POA has to be rescinded right away and that can happen immediately. This sounds very serious and I would think the state may even enter into this and adjust her Power of Attorney to you and your other brother to share and then figure out the financial problems. You may be in for a surprise, very few areas actually prosecute family members for stealing money from parents. But if I were you, I would try hard to get the law to deal with this as if her funds were stolen by a stranger. She is now in need of care and no money to pay for it. She saved all of her life, had a home and both she and your dad understood it would provide for them in their later years. This is a horrible thing that has happened to your family. But you are not alone.

How can I say this nicely…OK, I cann’t – there are kids that want money and could care less if they steal it from their parents. It happens so often it is shocking. Sons and daughters that say they are into their church and caring for parents and then it turns out they are robbing the parents. What can you do?

Very little, money spent is gone. Gone and will not magically come back. So take these ideas and think on them before you are faced with siblings or others that have ruined your own seniors life.

• When you set up the Power of Attorney have more than one name on the bank and tell the bank that all parties have to agree for any expense over $500. That way the bank can take on some of the responsibility if money is just shifted from here to there, the red flags on the bank’s computer will at least come alive.
• Power of Attorney can be health, or financial, or both – decide what is called for in each case. The sibling over seeing health care should have the health care directive and the Power of Attorney for health issues and a second name that is like an aunt or brother of the senior has the back up.  The person paying her bills needs to have a family member as back up and the family needs to review the bills each month or at least each quarter, even if your parent has little money…it has to be overseen by family. That keeps it all in the open.
• Do not forget that siblings have spouses. Some times it’s the spouse that says she or he wants funds for all the time the family member spends on the senior. Or they want to do a loan or a charge card and have the parent pay for it because they give so much to the senior. You have no idea of what a spouse of your sibling is like with money so set up a review before you find out. This is a business not a family…your business is to give long term care to your parents, or aunts or other relatives and that means you set it up in the open with checks and balances.
• The Power of Attorney is a very important document and should not be done lightly. That is why you need to have it in place and have it checked on a regular basis. It can save the parent from harm. Many times dementia/Alzheimer’s can take the seniors ability to spend money away. They will buy from the TV, catalogs and give money to people who call on the phone. This has to be protected and it takes all of you to over see this situation.
• The family that has a lot of money can lose a lot of money. There has been a recent investment scam that has taken retirement funds from lots of families and really ruined their lives. There is little you can do about that sort of thing, but a sibling or a lawyer that is saying how they are going to oversee the investments for ageing folks with a nice retirement fund, they have to be watched and a report on a monthly basis has to be provided to review and I mean review. Every few months you need to call the bank or investment company and find out of all is in order. If you just let it all go and then a year later you find that someone has taken money you are out the money and the person who took it has probably taken from others. So keep on top of it.
• By far, the problem is in the senior that has a few hundred or a thousand or two in the bank and owns a home free and clear. They are the ones that have very little and the family just assumes they are OK. But that is when no one is looking and suddenly two charge cards have thousands of dollars charged on them and it was not your parents who did that charging. Or the house has a loan out that has not been paid…it is sad stuff, but happens all the time.
• Make sure you have the ability to check your parents funds. Just as you would not think twice of checking to see if you mom or dad were still driving safely by sitting in the drivers seat as they drive you to the grocery store. You need to check and see that mail is being delivered and they are opening it and checking on those bills. Once or twice a year you can do a credit check and get a report on their funds that would show if they had “secret” to you credit accounts taken out in their name. You also need to check on the automatic payments. One family found that the daughter had her mother paying her cable, phone, and light payment automatically out of her checking account each month.
• Start from today – tell you family you need to be more aware of your own finances and you want to also be on top of your parent’s so you would appreciate seeing the accounts once a month and making sure all is in order. If they get upset, there may be a reason, so talk to your parents and let them know, you want a back up check. This day and age anyone can steal funds, not just siblings, other family members, legal and investment people and strangers that steal identities. So, do not be embarrassed about this family open policy, it should be just another part of the care that you give to aging family members to keep them safe.

Thanks for all you are doing for your mother, keep up your care and your chin…you have to be tenacious over this situation but it will pay off with your mother’s care being covered, once you get to the bottom of it. Please do check out my website and see all the information I have for families that give care to seniors www.caregivingwithspirit.com

Thank you francy