Family Robbing the Old – Just when they need help!

by francy Dickinson                             www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy: I have two brothers and one has POA for my mother. I take care of her in her home and he makes sures she has funds for all that she needs. She has had a stroke and needs full time care and when I went to check her into the center, I found out my brother had taken most of my mother’s money and gotten a reverse mortgage on her home. I am in shock, but more than that, I need to care for mom. Help?

No, I am not a lawyer and your financial problem is legal in nature and you need to find a lawyer to help you. If you do not have personal funds to find one, call social services, senior division, in your area and ask them for help they’ll guide you to a legal center that can help you. The POA has to be rescinded right away and that can happen immediately. This sounds very serious and I would think the state may even enter into this and adjust her Power of Attorney to you and your other brother to share and then figure out the financial problems. You may be in for a surprise, very few areas actually prosecute family members for stealing money from parents. But if I were you, I would try hard to get the law to deal with this as if her funds were stolen by a stranger. She is now in need of care and no money to pay for it. She saved all of her life, had a home and both she and your dad understood it would provide for them in their later years. This is a horrible thing that has happened to your family. But you are not alone.

How can I say this nicely…OK, I cann’t – there are kids that want money and could care less if they steal it from their parents. It happens so often it is shocking. Sons and daughters that say they are into their church and caring for parents and then it turns out they are robbing the parents. What can you do?

Very little, money spent is gone. Gone and will not magically come back. So take these ideas and think on them before you are faced with siblings or others that have ruined your own seniors life.

• When you set up the Power of Attorney have more than one name on the bank and tell the bank that all parties have to agree for any expense over $500. That way the bank can take on some of the responsibility if money is just shifted from here to there, the red flags on the bank’s computer will at least come alive.
• Power of Attorney can be health, or financial, or both – decide what is called for in each case. The sibling over seeing health care should have the health care directive and the Power of Attorney for health issues and a second name that is like an aunt or brother of the senior has the back up.  The person paying her bills needs to have a family member as back up and the family needs to review the bills each month or at least each quarter, even if your parent has little money…it has to be overseen by family. That keeps it all in the open.
• Do not forget that siblings have spouses. Some times it’s the spouse that says she or he wants funds for all the time the family member spends on the senior. Or they want to do a loan or a charge card and have the parent pay for it because they give so much to the senior. You have no idea of what a spouse of your sibling is like with money so set up a review before you find out. This is a business not a family…your business is to give long term care to your parents, or aunts or other relatives and that means you set it up in the open with checks and balances.
• The Power of Attorney is a very important document and should not be done lightly. That is why you need to have it in place and have it checked on a regular basis. It can save the parent from harm. Many times dementia/Alzheimer’s can take the seniors ability to spend money away. They will buy from the TV, catalogs and give money to people who call on the phone. This has to be protected and it takes all of you to over see this situation.
• The family that has a lot of money can lose a lot of money. There has been a recent investment scam that has taken retirement funds from lots of families and really ruined their lives. There is little you can do about that sort of thing, but a sibling or a lawyer that is saying how they are going to oversee the investments for ageing folks with a nice retirement fund, they have to be watched and a report on a monthly basis has to be provided to review and I mean review. Every few months you need to call the bank or investment company and find out of all is in order. If you just let it all go and then a year later you find that someone has taken money you are out the money and the person who took it has probably taken from others. So keep on top of it.
• By far, the problem is in the senior that has a few hundred or a thousand or two in the bank and owns a home free and clear. They are the ones that have very little and the family just assumes they are OK. But that is when no one is looking and suddenly two charge cards have thousands of dollars charged on them and it was not your parents who did that charging. Or the house has a loan out that has not been paid…it is sad stuff, but happens all the time.
• Make sure you have the ability to check your parents funds. Just as you would not think twice of checking to see if you mom or dad were still driving safely by sitting in the drivers seat as they drive you to the grocery store. You need to check and see that mail is being delivered and they are opening it and checking on those bills. Once or twice a year you can do a credit check and get a report on their funds that would show if they had “secret” to you credit accounts taken out in their name. You also need to check on the automatic payments. One family found that the daughter had her mother paying her cable, phone, and light payment automatically out of her checking account each month.
• Start from today – tell you family you need to be more aware of your own finances and you want to also be on top of your parent’s so you would appreciate seeing the accounts once a month and making sure all is in order. If they get upset, there may be a reason, so talk to your parents and let them know, you want a back up check. This day and age anyone can steal funds, not just siblings, other family members, legal and investment people and strangers that steal identities. So, do not be embarrassed about this family open policy, it should be just another part of the care that you give to aging family members to keep them safe.

Thanks for all you are doing for your mother, keep up your care and your chin…you have to be tenacious over this situation but it will pay off with your mother’s care being covered, once you get to the bottom of it. Please do check out my website and see all the information I have for families that give care to seniors www.caregivingwithspirit.com

Thank you francy

Panic-Dad has a cold and not able to walk!

by francy Dickinson                       www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; Dad has had a cold for a week and today he is so weak he is unable to walk. He refuses to go to the hospital. I am unable to lift him and I have called a cousin that will take an over night flight to come and help me. What should I do?

OK, first Panic is not a word to use that does not get attached to calling his doctor for help and/or taking him into the ER. So remember, if you are that scared you need to be calm and take care of the situation with a call to a medical adviser and get him help.

Now, the options: One he has a mecial directive that says no hospital or resusitation. This is your honor to protect, but a cold never says I am dying to me- (it says; I’m sick, tired and weak – I need some meds to make me better. I may need some fluids and I may need some physical therapy to recover my legs)but I think that dying is low on the list of what will happen with a cold unless you ignor it and it goes into pneumonia. So, if I were in the house, I would call the doctor’s office. (who would probably just tell me to send him to ER)

I would take him to ER and they would give him fluids, check his vitals, and put him on a program to recover his legs again.  The least I would do is call the local Fire Department and have the medics check him out. I would not wait by the door for a relative, I would take action now. You are the care giver, your dad is too sick to make calls or decisions. So, use your intuition and react in a safe and appropriate way to give him care.

After that has been addressed; I want to assure you that many older seniors with different health challenges have problems with their legs and the slightest infection can take their energy down fast and that will keep them from walking. As they get fluids and meds and recover, they get their legs back again. So, do not immediately think he is off his feet for any permanent time period. It may just be a passing side effect of the body fighting an infection or other conditions in the body.

DO NOT ALLOW ANYONE TO STAY IN BED WITHOUT WALKING FOR MORE THAN A DAY! If someone is on doctor’s orders to be in bed and the doctor understands they are in the bed full time and can not get up – that is the exception. If they are simply unable to walk or stand without falling, they need to be treated by a physician and not you. They need to address what ever is bothering the senior that has produced this weakness.

Let’s go forward. Your dad has gotten some meds and has gotten his fluids and oxygen levels up. He has his sugar level in order, he has seen a doctor or nurse practitioner and he is back home. But he is still really unsteady and needs you to help him move around. You have a bad back or are very tiny and you are worried about caring for him in this state. Then you have to have him placed in a care center until he gets strong enough to meet the standards of your own home care. It maybe a week or a month in the care center but the doctor will write a prescription for it, just like a medication so the insurance can cover the cost. The care center will give him Physical Therapy to walk, monitor his vitals and get him strong again. If they can not do that, then he has moved into a new stage of care and you have to decide on the next step.

If the doctor or nurse has him back home and he is simply wobbly and can stand but not without you next to him, walk but not more than a few steps. This would mean that he has been examined and is on medication to take down his infection or handle his health challenge and he is on the mend. You will be asked to help him stand up and move him to the commode that will be placed in his room. You will have to help him up from the commode and get him back in his chair. An in-home nurse can be sent via the doctor to help you learn how to do the assisting so it will not harm you. Very small people, can handle larger bodies if they are taught how to move them.

He will have to do all the exercises that the Physical Therapy person has given to you. They usually have a sheet with the exercises printed on it. You and your Father will have to do those exercises a couple of times a day for his legs to get strong again. Older people lose muscle strength really fast and they need to re-gain it right away so it is not a permanent situation. Even if he is very ill with heart problems or cancer, he needs to move for as long as he can. So he will have to do the exercises that the professional PT person designs for him. You will have to assist him until he gets strong enough to be on his own.

If he falls on the ground – do not even try to pick him up. Call 911 and the fire department will come and lift him to his chair or bed and check him out. If they think he has injured his body they will transport him to the hospital. If you do not want him transported or given resuscitation you have to have a piece of paper posted on the wall that releases the medics from their duty of rescuing the patient and doing all they can to save him. This paper is called A Do Not Resuscitate Order/Agreement (or DNRO form). This is not his living will, it is a special piece of paper that has to be from his doctor. It would be signed by the patient, or his Power of Attorney and the primary doctor that you use for his care. It’s usually a green piece of paper and I posted mother’s in her bathroom door, so I could easily show it to a medic crew. If mother went into the hospital I took it with me in my hospital pack. (You will find my hospital emergency workbook package on the products page of my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com  it is a beauty and will really help you go step by step through Emergency Room visits.)

If your dad knows he is facing a life transition it is time to call Hospice. That is a terrific service that will come into your home and help you as well as your dad through the process of dying. It is used in the last six months of someones life and is paid for via medicare and all you have to do is ask your doctor or look up Hospice in the phone book. They will come and do an assessment of your dad and then give you an outline of all the things they can do for you. So you can be released from some of the stress and just be his daughter, instead of a care giver.

Remember, older people get weak. But they also recover. So be really clear on what your dad needs to do around the house for you to give care. I told mother she just had to walk, I could not lift her for any length of time. So, she was very good about walking after each of her little strokes and illnesses. She knew I could help her for a few days, but not on a permanent basis, so she responded with lots of exercise to keep her legs working.

Thank you for all you do for your dad, I hope you will go to my website and read about my Care-Givers Workbook 101, it has helped so many family members give top notch care to their seniors. Thanks francy

How much do I pay my brother to care for my dad?

by francy Dickinson              www.seniorcaretips.com

Dear Francy;  My family has been paying one of my brothers to care for our aging father.  The money is coming from my father’s account, so he
is actually paying it, but he has one of my siblings in charge of his money. As my father ages and needs more assistance -my brother is giving it more time and energy. We all agree he needs a raise in pay. Do you have any information concerning how folks typically compensate family members as care givers?

First there are a couple of things I want to share. Family, money and caregivers are hard to mix. So, when your family is talking about this, talk about it as a caregiver. That way it is a position instead of thinking about your actual brother. Because after all he might not want to continue to give care as things heat up in the future. That thought aside.

The caregivers that are in-home range in price from what a private person will pay to what a service will charge. Most services charge from $18- $30 per hour. That depends on the amount of skill that is required and such. The actual caregiver receives about $12 an hour from the service provider. The service comes into the house and does an assessment and then gives you a price and a health care plan.

The private person will pay from an average of $10-$12- up to $22 per hour. Once again this depends on what amount of skill is required. So, my example for your dad is that he has to have his house tended and food prepared and light assisting to walk and medication reminders and such. That is basic and light and can be from 2-6 hours a day without skill involved. I would say that would range from $10-$14 dollars per hour.

(Ballpark – light care would be $1,000-$1500 flat rate per month with 6 hours a day. With it going up from there as you add time and the medical and personal care to that listing.)

Example: Assisted Living Caregiver (neighbor) did three meals a day, prepared medication, and did some personal appointment calls for a gentleman (no housekeeping, yard work or medical required) /Two visits per day = 4 hours-6 days a wk. She would also take him back and forth to doctor & grocery visits. She received $275 a week with extra gas money & fee for driving

Now, when things start to get more extended in time and your brother is working 8-12 hours, or living-in the home with your dad….that is a higher amount and would be a flat fee basis that would include food and lodging for your brother and it would be around $350-$500 a week. Now, you are getting into the range that a care center would begin to charge. They run around $1800 to $3,000 for basic care for each month and your dad would live there full time. Additional charges would be added as needed if you are talking a lot of care with health issues and/or Alzheimer’s care. 

As care is needed, I would always suggest an outside person to do your father’s baths, once or twice a week. It gives the son the release from the private bathing time. As well as the bath person reports to the person in the family that writes the checks and they are legally required to report any bruise or hot spot on the body so it can be cared for- immediately. That way you always have a back up to the care. This is not to be thought of as a negative, just a fair reality of life. Bed sores are not a pretty picture and are hard to treat, so this keeps everything in view to the whole family.

Now next you want your brother to know if he is going to give care, he needs to take a care-giving class. He may think this is stupid. But I assure you these classes are really important. I review everything on this subject in my Care-givers Workbook 101(ebook or printed)- I really spent a lot of time putting together all the tips for care givers that are not professional nurses – so the families could learn how-to tips. You can find the book on my website under Products    www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Next comes the thought pattern. Your brother is the caregiver and he needs to follow a care plan. You will find out how to build one in the workbook. This plan is so nice because then he has a daily outline of what the family expects him to do when caring for your dad. Makes it all very seamless and no hurt feelings – keeping this on a business type of relationship, so down the road if things get difficult you have the family in tact and another caregiver can just walk in the door and take it from there.

When your dad needs more care than your brother can give him, it’s time for a care facility or for advanced in-home care. That’s when I come in and talk to you about what is needed and then help you find a facility that works for your dad and the family. I also have the instructions of how to do this in the Care-givers Workbook 101.

The problem with care-giving is it starts out with time, energy and love and then it will start to move into difficult decisions and hard work. So, just be aware that if you keep your brother thinking that this is a floating situation that has to updated every few months. You will find he will take it all on a less personal basis. It is very kind of him to give his time and love to his dad…he could be doing other jobs that are less stressful. But on the other hand, your father is your primary focus and his well being has to be on top.

Thanks for sending your question, it was one that lots of folks wonder about. I do want to stress that many families go through really sad arguments about caring for their parents. This care giving is more than you think. There is nothing so sad as a family that separates because of hurt feelings on one side or the other – we have long lives and need our siblings to be there with us as we go down our life path. So, good luck on this and please do visit my website and get a copy of the workbook, I know it will help your brother.

Thank you, francy

Bad Day, Need Help – Note in bottle from Caregiver

Francy Dickinson                             www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy: I am having such a hard time, I have tried and tried to get my dad’s outlook more positive – but he is just stuck in mud since my mother’s passing. Help?

Yes, that is called the angry old man syndrome and it is a real effect of men that have been pampered and loved so much that when they lose that spouse they simply retreat in anger. It is certainly not directed at you, it is directed at the world.

So lets go over some tips for you to use:

• Exercise, even if he is really limited you must get him up and out the door. A walk a day with an older neighbor, a walk with the dog, a drop off at the Y and let him do a senior exercise program, or just you and he walking around the house every time he goes to the bathroom!
• Get him a good multi-senior vitamin supplement and add a few other things to it. B-12 is a biggie for brain function, and lots of folks are talking about Vitamin D for seniors so go and do some Google work and see what you can find to make his system work as well as it can.
• Reduce his sugar, if he’s diving into cookies and candy to relieve his depression. Change that get some puddings and Jello without sugar. He eats- the sugar gets a lift and then comes crashing down to depression or his current form, anger. So keep him on a more stable up and down with a lower sugar intake.
• Invite others in to visit him. Call some of his older friends and ask them to come over for a piece of pie and coffee and to visit your dad…if you have no one, then go to a local church and just talk to the minister and ask if he has seniors that like to do lay-work in the community and would visit him and play cards or take a walk.
• Have at least one event every month that he enjoys and looks forward to get out of the house. I give this one to your kids or grand kids to pick. The miniature train display at the historical museum, the WWII movie at the local theater, the Civil War re-enactment at the local park, the July 4th parade in a small local town. Just give this to the kids to figure out and they will enjoy the event along side of him.
• Try the penny jar routine. You put out two jars, one filled with pennies or beans…and every time he says a swear word or gets mad you –go over and put a penny in the empty jar. This is an amazing way to show someone they are repeating a negative task. You can say, dad you are swearing so much it bothers me, but he could care less – until he actually sees that empty jar filling up with pennies from his own actions. You will see a change, I promise, I have used this with myself and I have really been able to make a mental note on change.
• Doctors can prescribe meds if they know what is going on. Write a letter to his doctor and just tell him the changes your dad has made and see if the doctor feels meds can help. I believe in these meds, my husband has Alzheimer’s and one Zoloff pill a day keeps his confusion and anger away!
• Give him things to do. Make sure he is not sitting all day watching TV. If he is at his own home, write a list of honey do’s-just like your mother would have done. And press him to get one or two done before your next visit. If he is with you, you do the same. Make the chores easy and with no more than three steps to finish the task then he will feel he has a reason to keep going.
• Ask his advice. I would sit down with him once a week and tell him you have a choice on a few things this week. Should you go ahead and try to save money with these coupons that you see on the TV that everyone uses or should you just shop in the discount grocery store and not worry about the fuss. Ask him what he thinks. He may blow it off and think your conversation is not worthy, but do not take it personally, the information will go into his mind and he will make a comment on it at a later time. You are giving him the respect to ask his opinion and that is what he needs. Even if the conversation is not deep, it only has to be sincere. You can talk about politics or neighborhood problems, just talk.
• Make sure his surroundings are reflective of him. If he is in his own home, make sure your mothers things do not dominate his visual everyday. Move the furniture around in the living room to give his chair a better view of the window and the TV. Paint the room, use earth tones throw pillows. In small ways remove your mother’s feminine side and allow him to have a space that is his- instead of him living in a museum to his wife.
• After an incident that you two argue or you get your feelings hurt. Let time pass…maybe a few hours or a day and then go and sit down with him and say. You know dad I am trying hard to live my life with lots of people that need me, I count on you loving me and giving me support. No more arguments OK? No long boo hoo passages, just let him know, he is a part of your family team and you need him to support you- not fight against your every move.

Well I hope some of these things help bring your dad back to a place that he can find a good smile. I certainly appreciate your time with him, I know it is not a pleasant thing to be with a person that is angry at the world. Please do sign up for my newsletter and visit my web site for more information at www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. You are doing a very good job, just think creative, not negative when you’re giving him care.  

Thanks, francy

Where is my Pepto? Senior Care Tips

francy Dickinson                    www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy: My mother has asked me to buy her pepto, lip balm and other over the counter stuff on repeated occasions. What’s up, I can never find them when I go over to her place, is this early dementia?

Well before we have your mother diagnosed by a blonde, like me. I think we should start with something I can tell you- if she’s forgetting and losing things, then you schedule her for a memory test at her doctor’s office. Some primary physicians do it but most ask you to go to the neurologist. This is a good thing to do – they do the memory test and a year later they repeat it. That way the doctor has a base line and can see if her mind is changing in any alarming way.

How about something you and I can do to help her out right away? Ah, organize! I know you’re saying that your own home is not organized so why should you help your mom on this subject. Well, it’s always easier to clean in someone’s home. Less distraction.  Here are the steps to get the bathroom and the table by her TV chair in order:

Bathroom:

• Start with taking a large black trash bag in the room and open all the drawers and dump. There will be old hair brushes and rollers, and creams that have gone green with age. There will be hairpins and old make up and it will just go on and on. So, throw as much of the old stuff as you can. Anything that you have a question on, put it aside.
• Add a 7-10 size magified mirror that sticks on her bathroom mirror, so she can actually see without glasses. That way she can put on and take off makeup and do her facial hair work.
• Clean out the drawers with some soapy water and line them. You know, you buy the Rubbermaid liner that’s a plastic sheet in a roll and will be easy to clean and freshen up old drawers. Then you’ll get a few of the plastic trays for drawers-just like you use with silverware, only single size. Those are for her toothpaste and brush so they stay clean-sort of thing.
• Take a moment to re-think the drawers. You want to have a drawer for teeth cleaning and small first aid in one of the top drawer areas. You put in the tray liner and buy a new toothbrush ( I personally live for the Sonicare it’s so terrific) if she needs it. Then you put in this drawer the things she would reach for everyday. Maybe a new moisturizer (by the way get one with SPF she may not know how important that is these days) Then the neosporin, the anti-itch cortisone cream, any other cream she uses on a daily basis and her underarm deodorizer. You can slip in a few other things like a small band aid box and one of the newer liquid band aids and tell her how to use it. This means that she opens this drawer for her basics, teeth, deodorant, moisturizer and small cut and itch repair stuff.  Her morning routine in one drawer, or in one small basket if she does not have a drawer.
• On the other side of the bathroom sink – that top drawer is for her hair and her make up. Once again, use those individual trays. Three or four trays will hold her tweezers and small scissors, eye color, under eye concealer, mascara, blush and mineral makeup. The mineral makeup is new to older folks, so introduce her, it will not stick in her lines and help her look young and pretty everyday. Her lipsticks go in another tray and remember, only keep a couple -they turn bad- as does moisturizer and mascara. So if she’s not using a lot of makeup these days – do a replacement with new. In another tray is her comb and hair brush and a tube of hair gel. Show her how to just shampoo, moisturizer, towel dry and comb through her hair and then use the gel and run it through her hands into her hair for it to look tosseled, if she’s in a hurry. Lots of older gals get into not doing anything with their hair and this way she looks good everyday.
• Under the sink gets cleaned out next and everything goes. This is where you put the toilet paper stash, the basket with cleaning goods for the shower & those cleaning wipes with bleach. A small plastic tub for her throw away shavers, back up shampoo and her bar soaps that she can easily grab. The same type of tub for her “over the counter” med stuff. (Her prescription drugs should be on a high shelf in the kitchen away from moisture, not in the bathroom)
• Load up the plastic tub with the over the counter drugs: Get rid of all outdated stuff…just throw it. Buy new items and I know it sounds expensive but once you get this down it will be all in order for her. You should have Pepto, or generic, tussin cough syrup, Imodium pills for diarrhea, stool softeners for constipation, a cold pill that she can take with her meds, Vick’s, larger band aids,a new easy to read thermometer, alka seltzer & cough drops. Everything ready to use if she is unwell- or needs something in the middle of the night – she just grabs the basket.
• The rest of the shelves in the bathroom, if she has them, like a linen closet, should be cleaned out. Old towels are gifted to charity and old shampoo or other products or fancy gifts that were given to her for the last ten years – that no longer are used – go in the trash. The shelves should be empty…they only hold a couple of new towel sets that are new and feel fresh and fun to use. They hold a basket of wash clothes for her to use on her face. The toilet paper can go here and her cleaning products from under the sink if she has this extra space. The other basket that works well here is the one for her hands with moisturizers and her nail polish, cotton balls and remover. So If she does her nails she just takes the basket down and takes it with her. But all the old junk..the old curlers and curling irons, bottles of fragrance, bubble bath  and blow dryers that she never uses – they go out the door. You want the area to be clean and easy for her to see what she has and what she needs.

BY THE TV BASKET:

• This is a must for all seniors. You have this for their chair side-table at home or in a care center. If its a care center it’s a smaller basket, but the at home, needs to be on top of the table.
• In this basket you put a small magnifying glass, emery boards, a pen & letter opener, small paper scissors, a small glass-cleaner spray bottle, tums, lip balm, small hand cleaner, small hand moisturizer, tiny Swiss knife, Q Tips and a small pocket mirror. The basket has to be easy to grab and look through or a box with a top if she likes things tucked away.
• The point of this is to think of things she has to get up and go and get all day. Then she has to remember to put them away and they find their way down her seat cushions and on the floor before that happens, so this way, she stays organized and still has her things right at her finger tips.  I like to put a klenex box and salt and pepper by the chair too…so if she has carried her food in the living area, they can have the seasonings close at hand. My mother always wanted a small glass container with a lid to keep little sweet treats in and she kept a nice tile to protect her coffee or tea cup when it was at rest, on the table.
• I also love the over the chair arm and the slide in the mattress caddies. They work so well for the remote controls and the magazines and such and they make everything close.

Why all this fuss and work on your part? The easier it is for your mom to not walk around and get up all the time, the less falls you worry about. The cleaner the area the less visual clutter the mind has to sort through and can help anyone with light memory challenges. The easier her bathroom is to find things and know that it’s at an arms reach, means she does not tuck this here and there and then forget where? If she is having memory trouble just label the drawers for her in the bathroom.

Remember the majority of illness happens in the bathroom. If seniors feel sick to their stomachs or have problems with their bowels – in they go to the bathroom. To have it tidy and clean and easy to use, means it could help them in an emergency.

If her bathroom is really looking sad, you can perk it up with a new light fixture that uses the new low volt lights. Very easy for anyone to trade off light fixtures, just remember to turn off the light at the switch before you meddle with them. You can get a new faucet so the old one does not leak. You can bleach out the counter tops and make them bright and then shine them with a car wax. You can paint the room with one gallon of paint. And you can remove and replace the caulking around tubs and sinks with an easy to use acrylic caulk for tub and tile. The place will look fresh and fun for her to use again.

The Bathtub: You can have the old bathtub redone with a service that refurbishes porcelain and it makes her tub all new and pretty. You can add a great bathtub hand rail or special bath chair. The handheld shower is a very easy addition to any tub and you will only need Teflon tape and the hand held shower kit. The shower curtain should be see through so she has plenty of light when she’s in the tub. The toilet area should have a handle to help her up if she’s unwell.

As we all age, the bathroom is used more and more, so it needs to be easy to use and not have floor rugs that slip. If you want to get a new floor mat that sits in front of the sink that does not slip and is made of latex, great, otherwise rugs come out of the bathroom. Almost all bathrooms that have vinyl can be easily upgraded with the new 14″ vinyl tiles that stick on and look so great with grout lines printed right into the tile pattern. They are inexpensive and take off 10-20 years of age in the bathroom. (wish I could have something that took off years!)

Your mom will feel updated, upgraded and have less stress to remember where she put her lip balm, if you take a little time on this. Remember, people live in homes for years and years and the bathroom just gets more stuff in it, rarely does it get a good clean-out. So this is just the ticket for you both!

I did this with my mother and other seniors in care and they responded with so much excitement. I redid mom’s bathroom after my father passed – in a more feminine color with fancier towels. It really did make an emotional change for her. Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and get other tips on care giving and read the rest of my blogs on Alzheimer’s and dementia if you are worried about your mother’s memory.

Thanks, francy

Spend Your Saint Patrick’s Day with Seniors

by francy Dickinson               www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; My next door neighbor is in an adult care home and I’m thinking of him. He celebrates his Irish heritage very strongly and I miss his house draped in green lights for St Paddy’s Day. Should I go and visit him when he’s in the last stages of cancer and I’m not a family member?

YES!  Go, you will find him so happy to see you – especially when you walk in the door with something fun for St Patrick’s day.  My uncle was an Irish nut and celebrated his heritage all year long, but right around the day of green, I would bring him something special in the care center.  Never feel like you can not visit a senior. Visiting is for friends and family and very rarely do they close down the room to just a couple of family members.

• Adult Care Homes are really just like a family home. But the rooms are taken up with people that can no longer live on their own or do not want or need the feeling of a large care facility. He will have his own room so just go over and ask to see him. They may limit your stay to 15 or 20 minutes and I think that’s a reasonable time frame for all visits to seniors in care.
• I would look through your pictures and find one with you and he or take a new one of your family, the animals that he knows, you might even go and have everyone sit on his old home’s front steps. Something fun, something easy…it will give him a smile.
• There are door decorations and everything green you can imagine at the Dollar stores right now. But my favorite is the little dolls that play the music and dance. I got one for my Uncle and he put it in his walker and took it out to the dinning area to show the rest of the guys!
• There are foods that you can bring, cookies that have green icing and green health drinks! Just be who you are and go and visit and talk about your life. Do not talk about his cancer or passing unless he brings up the subject. What he wants is an escape from his normal daily routine and you are the perfect escape for him.
• If you are a guy…you can call the Adult Care Home ahead of time and ask if you could bring an O’douls beer to drink with your male senior friend. They have a very small alcohol base and it would be fun to buy a couple green glasses at the Dollar store and do a toast to Ireland.
• If you have some money in your pocket a wonderful gift is the “Over Ireland” DVD, or video that you can buy from PBS, you may be able to check it out of a library or find it cheaper – used on eBay. This is a fabulous fly over of Ireland and he would be thrilled to watch it often. Most Adult Care Homes have a main TV room with DVD and movie night, so the players will be available for your use.
• The next thing is the music. There are loads of CD and cassettes that have Irish music and that would be a fun way to leave him smiling.
• If your senior is in a larger facility then just make sure you call about the video/DVD player and the music player, you may have to pick up a cheap CD player and leave it for his use. Remember any time you do that, look at the thrift shops they often have older players available and the headphones are at the Dollar store.
• If it’s a lady, senior, you’re visiting they would love a shamrock plant. (I have one in my kitchen window all year long and we call the plant itself Uncle Bill, in honor of my uncle that was so proud to have been Irish.)
• There are loads of green throws that would also do as a nice little gift, they make so many in fleece these days that are inexpensive and would brighten their days.

Most of all…it is just the fact that you tell him – I miss your green lights…so he knows that he has made memories of his life as he faces his own passing. It is a good thing to do for people.

A friend of my husband who used to work for him, called him the other day. She had heard he had dementia and she wanted to tell him she cared. She had been in the travel business with him and had stayed in long after we had left the field. She was facing the end of her travel career in the next few months and she was thinking of my Georgie. She called and was very kind to remind him that he had taught her all she knew about travel and it had given her thirty plus years of income, travel, friends and a wonderful career. She wanted him to know she appreciated all the things he did for her.  That was very kind of her, she is a kind person, but she may not realize how much my husband needed those words. He is facing so many challenges with his Alzheimer’s and feels he’s getting so dumb and forgetful. – We all are trying to remind him of the many good things he accomplished in his life. So if your senior had dementia, remind them of good things in the past that is what they will remember – the past.

I appreciate your kindness towards your neigbhor and how happy he will be to see your smile. Please do go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com  and enjoy the rest of the information I have there for care givers. I would appreciate you remembering if you or a friend of yours has a senior that is in need of a placement into a residency or care facility- please think of me. I try very hard to review the seniors needs and find a place that’s a good fit.

Thank you and happy St Patty’s Day – f

Tips for Senior’s Care Facility Room

by francy Dickinson            www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy: The care center has a room for mother that is very small. She will be there long term, now. What should I be taking?

Keep it very simple but very representative of her personality. Just because she’s in a smaller room, does not mean she has changed who she’s been for years.

• Ask the center what can be done with the walls. You will find all sorts of products to hang things now, without leaving a foot print when you want to leave the room. Go to the hardware store and find out what is available and how much weight it holds. 
• Make sure each item is carefully picked for memory, family or friend importance and function.
• Just because each room has a bed and chair, does not mean you need to keep that chair in the room. You can add a chair that she has used for TV viewing at home. But, make sure the chair she uses has all the function that is needed. Easy to clean, easy to get in & out of, easy to move around. Do not take up the room area with a big chair. Remember one of her dinning room chairs can be tucked into the room for a visitor.
• Her clothes go into plastic bins. You or a family member keep the clothes bins ready for her. Here is what you do. You sort out underwear, socks, comfort day clothes and sleeping clothes. You make 2-4 plastic bins of these items. You take the first bin to the care center and then hold the others. Every month or two you switch the bins. So she gets a variety of her clothes on a minimum amount of space in her small room closet. You can do a special soak in Oxy Clean to really get her under things clean from the facility. Remove any clothes too stained to use again and re-pack the bin. This way she is in a flow of all of her clothes not just a few items.
• No jewelry of value can go to the care center with her. It will go missing. So, this is the time for her to put notes on her special jewelry and give it away or give it to you to hold until grand children are old enough to enjoy it. She will have her wedding ring on and that should be noted on the inventory for the care facility and a picture taken of it for insurance. But this is also the time for a few fun pieces of jewelry to be put into a zip lock, so if she has friends in, she can put on a big fake ring, or a necklace just for “girl” fun. 
•  A small plastic 3-drawer unit that sits on top of the counter can be used by her sink. One drawer will have her tooth paste, floss, neosporin cream, eye drops and aspirin cream. The second drawer will have her lipstick, blush, face powder, tweezers, hearing aid case and extra batteries. Third drawer will have deodorant, talcum powder, small spray fragrance (simple like vanilla) All of this in a small space right by her sink. The drawer by the sink can now be free to hold her hair brush, her false teeth cleaning container and larger items. I like to always use Sonicare tooth brush and keep it plugged-in in a safe place. 
• Above her bed is where all the action takes place. Have a white board for you to write messages to staff or visitors. Dietary notes, sleeping pill reminders, 20 minute visits please notes. etc.
• The space that she sees from her bed, directly across from the bed is the space for her bulletin board. Go to the box store and buy a cork board and then you use that to cover with material and ribbons in a crisscross pattern. That way you can put up pictures of the family, or from the grandchildren etc. Now remember to write names on the pictures so the staff can easily say to her. “Oh, I see this is your husband Dick and that you were married for 48 years! He’s very handsome.” That is the response you want from the staff or visitors.
• Put a large print out of your name and phone number on the phone itself and add #9 or what ever has to be dialed to call out. Tape it to the phone, so she does not have to remember all the numbers. No cell phones can be used at the care facility, they go missing.
• Buy a basket with a handle and put all the things in it she needs on a daily basis. Her lip balm, her nail file, her eyeglass cleaner, her throat lozenges, small hand cleaner, hand lotion, mirror, eye shades, memo pad with pen, small scissors and little pocket calendar. This will be on her small bedside table and can be grabbed by staff and put out of the way in an emergency. Clean it out and re-stock it on each of your visits. Make sure she can reach it and lift it.
• Her eating tray-table drawer will have her eye glasses, her small radio/mp3 player and headphones and small Kleenex.
• If she is into art, bring one piece to hang in the room, if she loves figurines, bring a small shelf to hang and few little things that have little value – to display.
• Large print books and magazines, an easy to use remote control for the TV all make it easier for her to pass the time. Print out a small one page, large print page of 10 most used phone numbers and names and have it laminated with her name on the top.

Too many tips to put in one post…so go to my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com and see more information. If you or anyone you know needs to place a loved one in a care center. Please
visit my site and contact me. I have a FREE Senior Care Placement Service. I started this so everyone can find good care with kindness for their family and friends.

Thank you, francy

Keep Seniors Clean!

by francy Dickinson             www.seniorcarewithspirit.com

Dear Francy; My parents are caring for each other in their own home, I go over every other day. The mess is driving me nuts, its like they do not even see it. I try to pick up here or there and they both get upset. Got tips?

Yep, I have tips. Remember when you were in your early teens and your room was a mess 24/7 and you mom would say – “Just because it’s Saturday you do not get to go out before you clean your room.” – Remember? Well, you’re becoming the mom, for them now and you get to make the clean-up rules. Life can not be dirty for seniors, they will get unwell, get depressed, take a fall over the piles of papers and have rodents infest their home with food stuffs piling up in garbage cans.

* If they have money – that does not mean wealth, just enough money for comfort. Then a twice a month maid service is best to start. Take your budget and call a few services and ask them how much time you would get for the money you have available. These places are bonded and their staff is not going to take things from the house, they are trained to clean fast – in & out. I always concentrate on the kitchen and the bathroom, those are places older people can not see well enough to keep clean. Then if the budget allows the living areas can be dusted and vacuumed. But you at least know that once or twice a month, the kitchen and bath have been well cleaned and the garbage taken out and the place will feel so good to your mother.

* If the cleaning service is too much, there is another way. You can find a gal in the neighborhood or your faith center that is either a retired lady or a young mother trying to stay home with her kids. Ask them if they are open to cleaning the house for your budget amount. You will find that they will do just as good a job, and do it for less. The problem, can you trust them with the safety of the house? Just remember, teenagers come with friends that can break and enter homes. They can see money or jewelry that is easy to take and they take it. So, if you stick to an older gal that respects things and is known by your parents or you, or a young mother that simply wants a few dollars for extra gas money…you should find them OK for the job. But, any time you have people in the home, you need to do a quick removal of anything big that could be taken. So, tell your mom the jewelry is going in the lock box at the bank. Your father’s watch is there too and when they go out to a fancy funtion (which I bet is very rare these days) you will retireive them.

* The best way to deal with the current mess in the living areas is to tackle it while they are out. Much less fuss. Rule one, nothing gets thrown out. You simply put all the newspapers and magazines in a container for the recycle and place it in the garage. It has to be in the garage, not in the house. So, if your dad wants to walk all the way out to the garage to get the recycle, he will think twice about it. Then you dust and move the furniture for a good vacuum. You may want to bring your vacum over so it has plenty of suction. Then you make sure you add something, like flowers on the table tops – just stop by the grocery store and get a mixed flower bouquet and put it in little glass containers on a couple of the tables in the living area. That will perk it up and make it all look and feel good.

* If you see they have pill bottles all over the place, that has to change. Bring them into the kitchen and divide them up with your mother’s in one basket and your dad’s in another. Then see if they have daily pill sorters. If not, you need to run out and get one for each of them and put their name on each one with finger nail polish. Most drug stores will use different colors for couples so they can keep their pill bottles separate. If this has not happened use a rubber band on all of your dad’s pill bottles. That way they can easily see the difference between them. This way; pills are sorted and arranged for taking twice to four times a day – once a week. This means the actually pill bottles stay in the baskets in the kitchen up on a safe shelf (away from the sink – where the steam can get to them) You then can sort the pills once a week on one of your visits and they can have their daily pill box right next to their chairs in their living area.

* Wash – the clothing thing is hard for older people that get unwell. Some times they have an accident and they have soiled things and that is embarrasing. But, that is even more important to make sure the dirty clothes are in containers, not on the floor. This is important to keep the spread of germs down to nothing in their home. So, you will have to make a space for their dirty clothes in their bedroom and the bath. I got a very large garbage can with a swinging lid that was cylindracal and put in the bathroom. I lined it with a very light plastic bag, so all I had to do was pull out the plastic bag a couple of times a week and keep those things going in the washer while I was doing other things around mother’s home. I had to buy a timer…so when I left and the drier was still going  -I would set the timer and put it by her chair. She would then go and get her clothes and do the folding and the process meant we both shared a little of the work and it made it easier for my mother to live on her own a few years longer.

* I understand that papers and tools and gadgets have a place in the living area – when that is the only room someone spends their time. So, what I did for mother was buy a couple of baskets that were easy to pick up and empty, or take out to the work area to retrun tools or sort through papers. It make it easy for mother and I am sure it will make it easy for your parents. You will see that they will throw things in the basket and forget them. So, your cleaning them out, will not be a big deal on your visits.

* Walking around and spraying the channel changers, the wall switches, the oven handles, the telephones and cell phones and gettting those germs down to a minimum is just part of your visit once a week. As you get older, its a little like younger children, hands get dirty and germs start to migrate all over the place. This way, you have it under control. Let them be bothered, let them complain, just keep poking around and getting little things done here and there and you will find they will give in and relax and start to understand they raised a clean freak!

* Each season, do something that moves them toward a cleaner place. You might want to add an air cleaner to the living room or bedroom. That makes a huge difference for allergies and lung problems. You might want to add a water filter on their sink or just a little one for their daily water intake. Then the spring means you clean up their bedroom and get under the bed and change the mattrass and the fall means you clean the filter to the heater.

It does take you being creative but if you have a schedule, they will follow it and understand. So, instead of feeling bad, you simply have to take a mother stance and say, “we do this because I say“.

I know that you do not want to walk all over your parents, but this is an important time. If they are both unwell, they need you to keep them in their home. If they need you, they need to follow your lead and keep their surroundings clean and clear. They have to be able to walk and use their walkers, so that means no throw rugs or garbage on the floor. They have to be able to shower on unsteady legs. That means a good shower seat that they sit on outside of the tub and then move over into the tub and use a hand held shower. If you need to buy and put one in, you can do this on any current shower head. Get the hardware to expain the process and use low flow water heads to save on their water bill.

*Take things down from the tall cupboards in the kitchen and keep the used items close and easy to reach. Clean out the bathroom and get it up to date with new products and new towels. Make the house a place they enjoy and see as updated and fun, not as a place to protect against change. It will take your mind to think of ways to ease them out of old behaviors into to new ones. But you can do it.  Keep a smile, keep yourself up and happy on your visits. Everytime a fuss is made, you just say, “I am doing this to keep you both safe in your own home, and this is what I need to do”.  Being a strong daughter or son is not pleasant, but it is simply how the world changes when we age. Using love and creativity is the key. Making them laugh over newspapers that are two years old, making them not even know you have slipped a laundry in the wash and cleaned up the refrigerator when you put away the groceries you bought. That is how it is done, sneaky, but with lots of love.

Thank you for all you are doing to keep your parents safe and tucked into their home for a few more years. Please go to my website and enjoy other ideas that may be of help for you and if you get to a place that you need an advanced care center for your parents, let me know. I have a free service to help you with that too. www.seniorcarewithspririt.com

Thanks, francy

I Feel So Old – Elder Care Tips

by francy Dickinson

Dear Francy; My mother has lived with us since my father died two years ago, lately all I hear from her is how old she feels. How can I help her see her beauty through the wrinkles?

I don’t know why people think that getting older means you stop being who you have always been. You are just older, that’s all. But then you talk to people and they will tell you (even in their late fifties) that they are getting old.

My mother was in her late nineties when she said; “francy, some times I walk past a mirror and I catch my reflection and I wonder who that old woman is? Then I remember, its me!” Seeing yourself in a mirror is never fun when you age, but keeping up with beauty routines, exercise and fun activities make it easier to keep your self image high.

When I married my husband, almost 30 years ago, I asked him to please use a simple moisturizer each day. At the time he was OK with the idea, but did not want to share it with anyone that he was putting on “Oil of Olay” every morning after his shave. You should see him now, he is in his 70’s and looks like he is in his early 60’s. I am so proud of him. When he is around other friends his age, they all ask him what his secret is and always laughs and says…a younger wife!

Moisturizer is a must, even if someone is around the house and make sure it has the “SPF” in the moisturizer. You can even use the glow moisterizers to give an older face a little color. Clean skin + moisturizer + lip stick = FEELING GOOD.

My mother watched all of her friends age and pass away before her. She took note of lots of things that they did to rush their own passing. One of the things she would talk about is that the minute they let their hair go all grey they would age in their personality. She saw it over and over again. That does not mean she thought harsh black, brown or red hair was the answer to youth. But some sort of light coloring of the hair would give their skin and their personality a boost. Mother kept color on her hair until her passing at 100 years.

Nails, I did mother’s nails a week before she passed. They were so pretty while she laid in bed and felt so horrid. Her family members would come to visit the little lady and see her unwell, but those lovely nails flashing on the bed clothes. Some times, you have to endulge yourself in little ways to get big rewards. If a monthly visit to the nail shop to have a mani and pedi done gives a person a smile and a feeling that they are still involved in the world…then tell her to “go girl” enjoy!

If someone has always loved clothes make sure their bed wear is fun and colorful. Just because you are stuck in a smaller world at home or in a care center, no one has to stop being the fun young girl inside. I had my mother change every morning into a daily house coat that was pretty and she even wore a necklace down the front. It made her feel dressed, even though it was designed for comfort and ease if she needed help. She would dress when we went out to doctor’s appointments. My motto is no pajama bottoms when you go to Walmart…dress, even if it is a simple outfit and easy shoes, it is dressing and making the person feel good.

Something new; I made sure that my family knew when my mother needed a lift. I would tell my niece that grandma was in need of a new pair of slippers, I would tell my nephew that she needed a petite size 10, house coat, that had a front zipper, in a pastel color. I let them know what she needed and made it easy for them to buy it. They would visit and she would get a little gift and both of them felt good about it. When people say, ” If you need anything let me know”. That means that you have to let them know.

Places to go, if your mom is inside and always by your side…time to find a senior group close by and introduce her to other seniors. Losing a spouse is very hard to go through and many times it takes strangers to bring out the words that she needs to say. She would not want to hurt you by talking about your Dad and his passing, but another older gal at a card table or exercise class would understand.

Funny how old means different things to us all. Maybe old means no one has told your mother how much they love her and how cute she looks, like your Dad used to do on a daily basis. You might try to make sure you joke with her about how smart, cute and sweet she is as often as you can so she can get that loving input that small talk can give all of us.

Thank you for caring so much about your mom. I started this process of working with those that give care to seniors because I felt so alone when I was doing it for my own mother. I hope I can be here for you with other questions and please go and visit my website www.seniorcarewithspirit.com. Blessings, francy

NO SLIP/SLIDDING FOR SENIORS

Dear Francy: My Aunt has fallen twice, that I know of, around her home. She’s unstable and refused to use a cane. What can we do to keep her safe and in her home?

 

First you have to make sure she has an emergency cell phone to wear around her neck. She needs to know how to use the phone and the best thing to do is get a family cell package for you and add her cell onto it. Make sure you train her how to use the phone; repeat the basics many times so she can just press one button for 911 or another to call you for help. If that is not available, have her sign up for an “alert” service. You will find your local hospital usually has one and/or there are many companies nationwide. Ask the alert company where they are located and how they contact you when she presses the button for help? You want it to be very easy for her to use. If she falls she may be unable to move around to get her usual phone. (Important for anyone living alone: put a phone in the bathroom with the emergency numbers programmed into it. Lots of falls and heart problems occur in the bathroom area, so it is best to have that covered. )

Then do a walk around her home. Remove all scatter rugs and if she has large Oriental style rugs, use carpet-double sided tape and make sure the rugs are secure and can not be moved or caught by a heel. Check all the tables in the area, if they are unsteady remove them. Table top walking is the first step when people get unstable in their walk. They hold on to whatever surfaces they “think” are sturdy places to grab. But a table can come down on top of someone so easily, so make everything that she might use as a crutch is strong.

Move her furniture so there are easy pathways through the house and to the bathroom. You might want to introduce a night chamber pot system. You can buy or rent them and they are very strong and work in their bedroom at night and then the chamber pot is cleaned and kept out and placed over the toilet during the day. (This would require someone to check up on her daily.) You can purchase hand rails for the wall in the bathroom, on the bathtub and by her bed. All of these things give her a steady place to reach out and find assistance to steady herself. Get a few plug-in night lights and put them in areas that she might walk in the dark. Have a flashlight by her bed; if the power goes she will still be safe.

Make sure her glasses are up to date; vision can cause distortion when walking. Ask her about dizziness, lots of medications can add a slight dizzy side effect. They will feel this when they go from a flat, lay-down to a sit up or a sitting up to a standing. If they take it step by step and let the inner ear adjust, the dizziness will not interfere with their balance. Dizziness can also be from high blood pressure, so talk to her carefully and see what changes make a difference; she may have to take the issue to the doctor.

Finally, a cane is used to assist a person when they have pain in their legs, like a bad knee or hip. If someone is truly unsteady, a walker is really what is used to keep them balanced. If they feel weak or unsteady a cane can do little…but a walker can really help them. Plus, the new walkers provide a place to carry things around and you can even get them with seats to rest.  If you try to carry coffee and use a cane, you’re in trouble. So, its best to get a walker…ask her to come and look them over and buy it on the spot. Once you leave her alone, she will venture out and use the walker in private. So make sure you have the walker set for her height and have her walk through doorways and around the house to make sure the path is free and clear.

I was very open and firm with mother about this issue, because she did not want to use a cane nor a walker. I told her that if she was unable to walk around her home without falling, that meant she would not be able to continue living where she wanted to live. I was firm on that point and she used her cane right away and of course it made a difference. But about a month later she complained about not being able to carry things around with her. So, I went out and got her a walker. She used it “at home only” at first. After a while, it went where ever we went. Mother was very careful and never broke a bone, but falling is what eventually forced her out of her home. So, this is a point to be open and honest about.  

Please visit my home page for more information on senior care-giving and do leave me a question you may have and I will do my best to answer – Thank you, francy

www.seniorcarewithspirit.com